When are you too old for babies?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_old-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2c75aa7-9c3a-495d-8d1a-5ea9b271a573Post:5a6410d0-05d3-4e1d-9418-96de753d8b3b">Re: When are you too old for babies?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: When are you too old for babies? : Oh please. Isn't that why anyone ever has children?
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

<div>YES, thank you. BTW, do you have children, Ten?</div><div>
</div><div>Numbers - yes, you have a good point. I knew your mother had passed - I'm very sorry. My mother's mother passed away when my mom was 31 - when my grandmother was 54. (My mom's father had left when she was 7 and she never saw him after that.) My mom and her MIL bonded over that because both of my grandmother's parents passed away when my grandma was around 30. Trust me, it was very hard when my mom turned 54 for me! She'll be 56 this year, and I still muse over what it will be like when my parents pass away. None of my grandparents are still living. My dad's mom died when I was 20 and she was the last. (And BTW, my dad's parents were 35 and 41 when he was born, in 1956 - which was old at the time!)</div>

Ginabean2011

I think this is a personal decision for the couple to make. I like that women have more options these days and don't have to stress about time limitations quite so much. I mean, I'm 28 and I know I won't be ready for babies for a few years yet. I like to know that having a baby in my early 40's is not out of the question. I do not judge older moms because I "get" it and I think that could be me some day most definitely.

[Deleted User]

if you have to ask...

christyran1228

I struggled badly financially as a young parent and was always stressed out about money.  Now, I'm probably in much better shape physically than I was then anyway, but I definitely am more stable financially ... so our house would be a lot less stressful than I remember, so there's always a trade-off.

Unless you're a very wealthy 20-something. Then, nevermind.  lol

tenofcups4me

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_old-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2c75aa7-9c3a-495d-8d1a-5ea9b271a573Post:a41a3750-5552-4ac5-a32f-e892cad35bce">Re: When are you too old for babies?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: When are you too old for babies? : YES, thank you. BTW, do you have children, Ten?
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

I don't, but I wish I did. So far, it hasn't worked out for me. My first marriage was very brief and since I've been with DH, I've had 2 miscarriages. At my age now, it's unlikely but not impossible that I'll have a child.

I guess that's why I have great empathy for someone who chooses to have kids in their 40s if it's possible for them. My ideal would have been around 30 or so, but I wasn't married or even seriously involved with someone at that point.

leilahaustin

Personally, once you hit late 40s and on...you should think about not having children.  I see my parents with their grandkids and they are wiped out!  They love them to death and use up loads of energy, but they can not do all the things they did with me and my brothers at a younger age.

Many of my mothers friends decided to have kids at a later age and they def can't handle it.  They let their kids do whatever they want!  They have no energy and want to relax.  Once you have kids you cant relax!!!! 

One of my friends just had to bury her father who was in his 70's.  She was only 23.  He got very sick and because of his age the doctors could not do much for him.  Very sad.  At her wedding, she did not have her father there.   

So as I said, personally, I think late 40's is a little to late to have kids.  Have them young so you can enjoy them when their babies on!

aMrsin09

Sucrets is right, the risks go up after the age of 35 and after the age of 39 the risks increase by 10% each year.

While I'm physically able to have kids at 43, I don't thin the risk factor would be worth it.

abbalish

I have such mixed feelings on all of this.  I want kids in theory (mainly so when I am old I am not alone) but I am just not ready.  H and I just celebrated our one year anniversary two weeks ago and I am so enjoying life with just the two of us.  We are able to go out for nice dinners without needing a babysitter, and we are able to jet off to Vegas or Mexico if we want to.  In the coming year alone, we're visiting Chicago twice, the beach in Delaware, New Orleans, Denver, Toronto, Florida, Mexico...and probably Vegas again.  I absolutely love that we are able to do that.

For a while I'd been thinking we'd revisit the kids thing in another year or so, but actually just tonight at dinner I told H maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing to wait another 3 years or so.  I am just not ready to change our lifestyle yet.  I do think there's a chance that we might never feel ready, and that's something that I'll have to figure out if I'm OK with or not.

However, H is 6.5 years older than I am so it's a little more pressing for him since he says he wouldn't want to be an "old" first time dad.  But I don't think having a kid at 32/39 would be so terrible.

I will say that, my parents had me when my mom was 32 and my dad was 40.  Even though my dad's a bit older than most of my peers' fathers it was never really an issue.  He stayed in good shape and was able to play with me, carry me around, etc.  He's almost 70 now but still in good health, for the most part.  I think having parents who weren't super young when they had me makes me feel more OK about waiting for a bit.  My sisters, as well, were 34 and 36 when they had their first kids.  So that helps too.

Wow...holy novel.  I guess I didn't really answer the question, but this has been on my mind a lot lately.

topchef33

I think by 35 I wouldn't want any more kids. FI would be 41 at that point and I don't think he wants kids too late.

JessAndTrav

This may seem extreme, but I am annoyed by women who are days away from menopause and TTC, and that's only because it puts the mother and the baby at such a high risk for complications during the pregnancy and childbirth.

Take the Duggars for example, and their newest baby, Josie. If it weren't for the skilled doctors and modern medicine, there is no way she would have survived. I know that similar complications can arise with any pregnancy, but older women are known to be at a higher risk, and when it comes to the life of you and your baby, I just don't get it.

But I don't mind older adults adopting or using surrogacy. I think that adoption is a better route, personally, but I've never been in a position (to my knowledge) where I had to deal with the heartache of being unable to have children.

carrieoz_76

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_old-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2c75aa7-9c3a-495d-8d1a-5ea9b271a573Post:5a6410d0-05d3-4e1d-9418-96de753d8b3b">Re: When are you too old for babies?</a>:<div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">I think having kids at that age is just selfish - youre only doing it for your selfish desire to procreate,
</span>[QUOTE]In Response to Re: When are you too old for babies? : Oh please. Isn't that why anyone ever has children?
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]
This.</div><div>
</div><div>I ask my friends, who are loving, good parents, why they wanted kids, and it usually boils down to ... it seemed like a good idea, and because I wanted one.  The same reasons someone 15 yrs their elder would have.  People want kids for selfish reasons, for the most part, not because they want to contribute a Gandhi to the world - although that'd be nice.</div><div>
</div><div>I support people who are financially and emotionally capable of caring for children having them, whether they're 50 or 25.  Period.</div>

playtntsbpg30

I'm a little late here but wanted to share.
My mom was 37 when she had me. There is a 7 yr age gap between my twin brothers and myself. I am the baby of 7 children. if my oldest sister were alive (she was still born) she'd be 44 yrs old in July. The next, my brother is 41, who also has a 23 yr , 21 and 18 yr old sons.(crazy brother 39) my sister who is more like my mother is 38, she has a 16 and 14 yr old..  then my twin brothers are 32 (soon 33).... Then me. I just turned 26.

I for the longest time said I didn't want children since I saw my best friend go through a very hard time having her first son, at the age of 18. The pregnancy, labor/delivery was just very bad and I was there every step of the way and it scared the effing daylights out of me. Since then I always said I didn't want children by birth (I'd adopt).. Then when I met ex fi, I was all for having kids when we got married.

NOW- I am scared I won't be able to have a child before age 35. I would love to have a baby before age 30 since I am not in the best of health/shape so's it is and will only get worse as I get older.
As for being in 40's and having a baby I really think that is too old. More power to them if they are healthy and are on top of doctor visits and do everything possible to continue to be healthy. It's still a scary thing.
My dad was 40 when I was born. He was always the oldest father in my age group, as for my mom, she was always called "grandma' everyone thought she was my grandma and my sister was my mom even though she is only 11 yrs older then me.
Til this day people thing my sister is my mom. And some also think I'm older then her.

 I also agree, chances of complications go up at age 35 and older. I would definitely go for trying to have a child before 40. Unless one would want to adopt a child.

aprovencher21

Where were are all of you rational people when this discussion happened on the SB board about a month ago??!!  I said the same thing and got reamed for saying I'd like to have my children in my late 20s to mid 30s.  When I discussed the health reasons I go accused of calling them all old brides and that they were all going to have "downsie" babies (yes one of the regular posters used that term).  They also had an issue with me backing it up with scientific evidence....apparently that's snooty. 

Sorry getting flamed for being rational on a topic I've put a lot of thought into pisses me off.  Anyways, my FI and I really want to at least have our first child before I'm 30.....ideally maybe we could fit 2 in before 30.  We want 4 or 5 kids so I think it would be difficult to achieve that if I waited till my mid 30s. 

riverjib

I didn't read too many responses either. My gut reaction is this is not the best idea from a medical perspective. We only hear about the "miracle babies" that people have over the age of 50. Nobody talks about those that suffer a multitude of conditions.

Aside from that, assuming no complications with the child, I did notice people talking about parents dying while the kids are just graduating college and starting their lives. I'm more worried about a child growing up not only concerned about his/her parents' mortalities, but feeling obligated to take care of them. I see it enough in kids whose parents are ailing (due to other long-term problems like cardiac disease and cancer), and adding 20-30 years on to the parents' ages practically guarantees that the kid will deal with some degree of this waaaaay too young. My grandparents had my mom (an "oops," which was another issue in their time) when they were nearly fifty, and their failing health consumed her when she was in her twenties, newly married, with two babies.

Still, it's not irresponsible or even unfair for them to try. If they are determined to have a child, that kid will hopefully be raised in the best possible situation, age aside. They're likely to be really grateful for the chance to have a baby, and HOPEFULLY not overly permissive, since they've probably learned from the blunders of the most well-meaning parents. That's idealistic, I know, but the flip side of the argument rests with the wisdom of parents who are thrilled to take on the role at the expense of "relaxing" when they retire, and smart enough to teach their child better than most of us can without the benefit of life experience.

Personally, I wish I could have had kids younger. I would have been a lot more fun. I'll have mine in my mid-30's, and while (genetically) it seems possible to have them much later, I want to see my grandkids begin their adult lives, too.

cukimerrydoll

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_old-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2c75aa7-9c3a-495d-8d1a-5ea9b271a573Post:d776e454-0197-4766-9841-a6e9d14d48bc">Re: When are you too old for babies?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think anything over 40 is pushing it but mainly for the health risks and likelihood of complications during the pregnancy.

Personally I couldn't imagine having a kid past 35 because of how much energy they require and I just don't think I'd have it in me.  More power to the women that do!
Posted by emarston1[/QUOTE]
I agree with this.  Yes, I'd probably be more financially stable, but I wouldn't have the energy level I have now, nor would I have the chance to really play with my grandkids.

I'm really lucky that my parents had me young.  After seeing how a lot of my cousins aren't growing up with my deceased grandparents, I cherish those memories even more, and I would love the opportunity to see that side of the relationship someday.  If I have my own kids too late (35ish, we'll say), and they do the same, I'll be in my 90s when they graduate high school.  My grandma (we were basically best friends) was 65, and I want that kind of experience.

Kind of weird reasoning... but now I'm seeing how excited FILs are getting at the idea of grandkids, and seeing my dad with my youngest cousins (2 and 4) makes me want to have kids young so they can be really great grandparents.

I also got to meet 1/2 my great-grandparents.  So, I have a sense of history that I deeply cherish that I may not have otherwise had.