2 showers, same day. need advice please!

Calypso1977

i have officially received an invitation to the shower of a good friend for June 4.  i am not in her wedding.  it is also rumored that the shower for BIL's fiance will also be June 4, although at 5 weeks out i still havent received the official invite.  i am in this wedding.

the friends shower is local, the other is 2 hours away.  i honestly dont want to go to either (i loathe showers), but of the two id rather go to my friends because i wont have the drive (and entire day off wasted with travel, etc.), and i'm closer to the friend than BIL's fiance.

however, i know that family guilt will be in full force, especially since im a BM (total courtesy ask).  i personally could care less abotu the guilt, i try not to let it rule my decisions, but they will take it out on my H if i dont go.  i was hoping i could argue that i received the other invite first, but i did have a heads up that the other one "might" be the same weekend. 

the other thing is that i also have to miss the wedding of another good friend (not the one with the shower June 4) so that i can be in and attend BIL's wedding.  that was a no brainer that family shoudl come first, when choosing between 2 weddings.

what would you do?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Who told you the rumor? Is there a way you can convey it's not a good day for you and maybe they can change it, since you're a BM? If it works for everyone else, oh well, you don't HAVE to be at FSIL's shower.

cengle

I would go to the local friend's shower, since you got that official invitation first. I would pretend I didn't hear the rumor about BIL's FI's shower.

I would still buy a gift for the 2nd shower though, just to try to keep some of the peace.

mica178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-showers-same-day-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c3df911b-c301-4f67-b19a-4d29c9396636Post:6e593e31-939d-4a26-b92f-9995692a7c4a">Re: 2 showers, same day. need advice please!</a>:
[QUOTE]I would go to the local friend's shower, since you got that official invitation first. I would pretend I didn't hear the rumor about BIL's FI's shower. I would still buy a gift for the 2nd shower though, just to try to keep some of the peace.
Posted by cengle[/QUOTE]

That seems like a great compromise to me too.

sarah0725

Yeah, they should be asking you whether you're free for the shower, since you're a BM and all. I'd RSVP to the friend's shower right away, and then if the other one turns out to be on the same day, tell them that you're sorry but you have a previous commitment that day.

Also, that must be a popular day for parties, because my shower is that day and I was also invited to a PhD graduation party that I'll have to turn down as a result.

Calypso1977

the bride's mother told me about 6 weeks ago that tehy were looking at that date as well as June 11 - i was technically free at the time, but i did stress to her that i have a very busy shedule with work committments, etc. (im often on call weekends) and i needed as much advance notice as possible.  the bride herself told me she thought that it might be the 4th, but that there was some problem with the host location?  so, pretty reliable info, but still nothing concrete apparently.

i woudl absolutely send a gift.  in fact i have already purchased gifts for both.

mespence47

I did something for the sake of my FI not getting yelled at and now I am horribly regretting it.  Please do what is right for YOU!

mari0225

I agree with the others on going to the friends shower, get BIL FI a nice gift and let them know you're sorry you couldn't attend the shower.

Maggie0829

I would go to your friends shower that you received an official invite for.  If there isn't a set date for the other shower (even though you are a BM, I am suprised they aren't including you in on the planning) I wouldn't worry about attending that one if it is on the same date.  I would still send a present and when you RSVP just apologize that you can't go because you have another obligation.  It is still suprising that you aren't involved with the shower in which you are a BM...weird.

scottswife1106

I would go to the friend's shower. You got that invitation first.

My motto is: Rumors don't count.

sarah0725

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-showers-same-day-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c3df911b-c301-4f67-b19a-4d29c9396636Post:24c7271e-4a70-4025-9ce1-7f71907228c0">Re: 2 showers, same day. need advice please!</a>:
[QUOTE]the bride's mother told me about 6 weeks ago that tehy were looking at that date as well as June 11 - i was technically free at the time, but i did stress to her that i have a very busy shedule with work committments, etc. (im often on call weekends) and i needed as much advance notice as possible.  the bride herself told me she thought that it might be the 4th, but that there was some problem with the host location?  so, pretty reliable info, but still nothing concrete apparently. i woudl absolutely send a gift.  in fact i have already purchased gifts for both.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

I think you're in the clear then. This close to the event, they should be nailing things down in stone to make sure all the important people are present. If they're not doing that, they snooze, they lose.

As a comparison, my sister (host) talked to the moms and the one other gal in the WP weeks ago to find out when they were all free, and she's planning on sending out invitations in two days. If she hadn't done that, we would have no recourse to complain about people's schedules.

tenofcups4me

I'd call your BIL or his mother (your FMIL?) or the bride's mother and find out for sure what day the shower is. If it's the same day, personally I would go to FSIL's shower over the friends because I think it's a lot more important in the long run that you be at that one. 

GeauxTigers17

I would go to the friend's shower. You got that invitation first, so it's OK to say you have a prior engagement for FSIL's. It's not your fault that you received two invitations on the same day, and you don't even have a guarantee that FSIL's will be that day.

bmoruzzi

I would call the bride's mom and see what the date is first.  They should have decided by now.  Then, depending on what she says, go to your friend's shower.  I think you'll be in trouble going to your friend's shower if it turns out they're both on the same day and they had told you already that this might be a possibility. 

Calypso1977

haha, i love whoever voted "skip both".  that's the one id vote for.  i hate these damn things!!

cengle

Well, you *could* have a case of the stomach flu that day. No one will want you around then!

KateG528

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-showers-same-day-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c3df911b-c301-4f67-b19a-4d29c9396636Post:cc5d9752-5272-4902-8360-6ec19a7f1a3f">Re: 2 showers, same day. need advice please!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd call your BIL or his mother (your FMIL?) or the bride's mother and find out for sure what day the shower is. If it's the same day, personally I would go to FSIL's shower over the friends because I think it's a lot more important in the long run that you be at that one. 
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I dont necessarily agree with this. FSIL is no more important than your close friend is.  Your friend should know that you will be there for her especially since she asked you first. You cant let your inlaws dictate your life to the point that you blow off good friends (not that you would, but just saying) I disagree with this. </div>

Calypso1977

cengle, is it bad that i thought abotu that???  i just know how crappy it is when you buy food/plan for X number and then Y show.  its too rude.  and i'm a terrible liar.

tenofcups4me

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-showers-same-day-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c3df911b-c301-4f67-b19a-4d29c9396636Post:3e2a46d8-7933-4ef8-bda4-6fb42f6577d8">Re: 2 showers, same day. need advice please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 2 showers, same day. need advice please! : I dont necessarily agree with this. FSIL is no more important than your close friend is.  Your friend should know that you will be there for her especially since she asked you first. You cant let your inlaws dictate your life to the point that you blow off good friends (not that you would, but just saying) I disagree with this. 
Posted by KateG528[/QUOTE]

That's your perogative. To ME, family trumps friends. Especially close family like a BIL and FSIL and even more so when someone is in the process of establshing family relationships with effects that could live on for years. I know that any one of my friends would understand that OF COURSE I would go to a family event. But different people have different family relationships.

sarah0725

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-showers-same-day-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c3df911b-c301-4f67-b19a-4d29c9396636Post:124afca0-a4bf-4a68-805b-86f4816a2050">Re: 2 showers, same day. need advice please!</a>:
[QUOTE]cengle, is it bad that i thought abotu that???  i just know how crappy it is when you buy food/plan for X number and then Y show.  its too rude.  and i'm a terrible liar.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

Maybe you should just tell them that you're PLANNING on having a stomach virus. ;)

Judith233

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-showers-same-day-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c3df911b-c301-4f67-b19a-4d29c9396636Post:6e593e31-939d-4a26-b92f-9995692a7c4a">Re: 2 showers, same day. need advice please!</a>:
[QUOTE]I would go to the local friend's shower, since you got that official invitation first. I would pretend I didn't hear the rumor about BIL's FI's shower. I would still buy a gift for the 2nd shower though, just to try to keep some of the peace.
Posted by cengle[/QUOTE]

This

MissKate2011

I completely disagree with the majority.
I think it will mean much more for your FSIL for you to attend her shower then to attend the shower of your friend.  IMHO family always trumps friends.

1- How do you know that the invitation to be a BM was a courtesy ask?  Maybe she asked you because she wants the two of you to become closer.  You said yourself that you're not that close and it's not uncommon.

2- You said that Hs family will be upset and take it out on him.  Why would you not care about hurting your in laws?

3- The shower host asked if you were free that day and at the time you were so they made the decision to host the shower that date based on your answer.  To change your mind now because you haven't received a "formal" invitation is rude.

Possibly someone other than the wedding party is hosting the shower because the bachelorette party is being hosted by the wedding party and they don't want to overburnden them with expenses. 

I don't see how missing another friends wedding because it's on the same date has any relevance to the question.

ajroark

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-showers-same-day-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c3df911b-c301-4f67-b19a-4d29c9396636Post:c3313571-6a36-4f17-b462-abc8bae5b696">2 showers, same day. need advice please!</a>:
[QUOTE]i have officially received an invitation to the shower of a good friend for June 4.  i am not in her wedding.  it is also rumored that the shower for BIL's fiance will also be June 4, although at 5 weeks out i still havent received the official invite.  i am in this wedding. the friends shower is local, the other is 2 hours away. <strong> i honestly dont want to go to either (i loathe showers),</strong> but of the two id rather go to my friends because i wont have the drive (and entire day off wasted with travel, etc.), and i'm closer to the friend than BIL's fiance. however, i know that family guilt will be in full force, especially since im a BM (total courtesy ask).  i personally could care less abotu the guilt, i try not to let it rule my decisions, but they will take it out on my H if i dont go.  i was hoping i could argue that i received the other invite first, but i did have a heads up that the other one "might" be the same weekend.  the other thing is that i also have to miss the wedding of another good friend (not the one with the shower June 4) so that i can be in and attend BIL's wedding.  that was a no brainer that family shoudl come first, when choosing between 2 weddings. what would you do?
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

If you don't want to go to either, why would you? There is no requirement to attend a shower if you receive an invitation. Stick to your guns!

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-showers-same-day-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c3df911b-c301-4f67-b19a-4d29c9396636Post:757f0ad8-6f3d-4192-8166-91194bd52270">Re: 2 showers, same day. need advice please!</a>:
[QUOTE]I completely disagree with the majority. I think it will mean much more for your FSIL for you to attend her shower then to attend the shower of your friend.  IMHO family always trumps friends. 1- How do you know that the invitation to be a BM was a courtesy ask?  Maybe she asked you because she wants the two of you to become closer.  You said yourself that you're not that close and it's not uncommon. 2- You said that Hs family will be upset and take it out on him.  Why would you not care about hurting your in laws?<strong> 3- The shower host asked if you were free that day and at the time you were so they made the decision to host the shower that date based on your answer.  To change your mind now because you haven't received a "formal" invitation is rude.</strong> Possibly someone other than the wedding party is hosting the shower because the bachelorette party is being hosted by the wedding party and they don't want to overburnden them with expenses.  I don't see how missing another friends wedding because it's on the same date has any relevance to the question.
Posted by MissKate2011[/QUOTE]

I'm kind of with MissKate on this one.  I originally voted to go to the friend's, but that was before I read that you had been asked for your availability for the date.  They asked if you were free the 4th and 11th and you said yes - so FSIL's shower is actually the previous commitment, even if you haven't gotten the formal invite yet.  I'd call FSIL or MIL and ask which date it is; and if it is indeed the 4th I'd say you need to turn down the friend's shower, because you did already commit your availability to the other one. 

If you don't want to go to either that's your choice - but I think picking your friend over your FSIL, when you did in fact know about FSIL's first is not cool

Mrs.B6302007

I would go to the one that I had an invite in hand for. 

ootmother2

I'm going against the majority also.

This women will be part of your family and you've been honored by being asked to be in her wedding party.

Aside from that, as I recall, she was accomodating about your preference in dresses, didn't you object to strapless, or some style that didn't suit you and she was quite nice about it.

There was previous mention of the dates as you said above.

Adults don't always get to do what they just feel like doing, we have obligations as well and family obligations come first, IMO

GeauxTigers17

Those of you who say family trumps - would your answer change if OP had already RSVP'd for the first shower when she found out the date of FSIL's shower? 

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-showers-same-day-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c3df911b-c301-4f67-b19a-4d29c9396636Post:fe012ab3-7b1e-4918-bce6-cf5c042ed202">Re: 2 showers, same day. need advice please!</a>:
[QUOTE]Those of you who say family trumps - would your answer change if OP had already RSVP'd for the first shower when she found out the date of FSIL's shower? 
Posted by GeauxTigers17[/QUOTE]

That's irrelevant.  She hasn't accepted either one yet.

But to answer your question, yes, I would call the friend and explain that a family conflict had turned up and I had to decline.

Don't dismiss the importance of OP forming a relationship with a new family member, that will be around for a long time.

GeauxTigers17

It mattered to me, because I don't see why OP should turn down a friend's shower on the chance she *might* be invited to another one on the same day. If she can call the family and get it confirmed, great, but if they still haven't decided, I say tough luck. OP will have plenty of time to develop a relationship with FSIL -  I think that's putting a whole lot of emphasis on a 2-3 hour event, and I can't imagine any reasonable person not understanding if OP can't confirm the date of FSIL's shower, she RSVP's to the other one. 

But then, I'm missing my cousin's engagement party because I had already committed to something else when I got the invitation. It was just always drilled into my head that you don't change an RSVP unless you're dead or close to it, but I have a super strict southern mama.

MissKate2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-showers-same-day-need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c3df911b-c301-4f67-b19a-4d29c9396636Post:c6fc9350-bbf6-4779-b005-9fd7fbdeec5f">Re: 2 showers, same day. need advice please!</a>:
[QUOTE]It mattered to me, because I don't see why OP should turn down a friend's shower on the chance she *might* be invited to another one on the same day. If she can call the family and get it confirmed, great, but if they still haven't decided, I say tough luck. OP will have plenty of time to develop a relationship with FSIL -  I think that's putting a whole lot of emphasis on a 2-3 hour event, and I can't imagine any reasonable person not understanding if OP can't confirm the date of FSIL's shower, she RSVP's to the other one.  But then, I'm missing my cousin's engagement party because I had already committed to something else when I got the invitation. It was just always drilled into my head that you don't change an RSVP unless you're dead or close to it, but I have a super strict southern mama.
Posted by GeauxTigers17[/QUOTE]

IMO she RSVP'd when she told the shower host that those dates worked for her.  It doesn't sound like she's put too much of an effort to contact them to confirm which date was chosen.  Maybe they thought that someone else passed along the message or maybe the shower host is unorganized... not the fault of the bride to be who I'm sure would love to see her FSIL attend her shower.

On another note: Shower invitations are only supposed to be sent 4 weeks prior to the event so she's still within the time frame that's considered proper ettiquette.

Summer2011Bride

I'd go to your friends. If they give you grief, say, "I'm really sorry, but I received and RSVP'd to the other invitation first. At the time I received it, the date for BIL's fiance's shower was not set definitively" (even if that last part is a white lie, it's OK).