NWR. FI wants an abortion...

Legu

Sorry, this probably isn't the right board to be posting this on, but it seems to be the one with the best overall advicegivers, so I'm posting here anyway. I found out about a month ago now that I'm pregnant. My FI sits me down last night and tells me that he thinks we should get an abortion, because we can't really afford a baby, and he doesn't think either of us could cope with the stress of our jobs and a new baby. Wtf?? I don't want an abortion. I don't really know what I'm looking for, here, btw... Just, had to write it down and actually see the ridiculousness of it. I have no idea what to do...

tpender13

Wow. I don't know what to say... that's awful, and I'm so sorry!

Does he seem really set on this? Do you think that he was just bringing it up to discuss options?

mica178

If you don't want an abortion, then the answer is to figure a way to make continuing the pregnancy work.  It can be done.  Is there family near by that could help you?

baystateapple

Wow.  I am really sorry that you're going through this situation.

You two need to get on the same page.  Whether you both want to keep the baby or you both don't, you can't have a marriage if one of you is pacifying the other.  This isn't a decision of how many people to have at your wedding or whether or not to have an open bar.  This is a life-changing decision and whatever your choice, it is going to have a major impact on your lives together (I'm sure you don't need me to tell you this).

I'd say find a counselor to talk to and see if you both can't get on the same page.  How far along are you?  You may not even be able to get an abortion at this point, depending on whether or not you're still in the first trimester.  Talk to your doctor, talk to a counselor, talk to your FI.  And listen to your own conscience as well.  Best of luck, I hope you are all right.

Stackeye210

Well seeing as how I'm pro-choice, you choose what you want to do.   You own your decision and you don't be sorry for it either.  If not having an abortion is what you want to do, well then you tell your FI to step up or step out.  Odds are you'll be calling his bluff.  Sure, maybe the timing isn't right, but that baby is a blessing and it took the two of you to create it. 

I hope he's just freaking out and sees very quickly how ridiculous of a request he has put on you. 

I'm sorry that you are dealing with that, I'm sure you're scared of being pregnant yourself and to feel alone in it on top of things has got to be brutal. 

Be yourself, make decisions for yourself.  Sometimes life isn't easy.  I had a baby the very first time I had sex with my husband.  So yea, we did things in reverse, it was effing stressful, but we were both committed to the life we created and we grew up.  I'll be the first to say it's probably the hardest thing you'll ever go through, but having a baby after you're married will be JUST as stressful.  If he wants to make it work, you guys will make it work.  I hope he steps up when/if you tell him an abortion is a NO GO. 

Best wishes.  Keep us updated please. 

jessicabessica

I'm sorry, that sounds like a terrible conversation to have to have.  Do you think your FI would otherwise want a baby now, if the finances worked out, or is he giving these excuses when he might mean something else?  

If it's really the finances and job issue, I think you can sit down and look at your finances and figure out how you will make it work.  I don't have kids, but from what I understand, there are very few people, if any, who wait until the stars align for jobs and finances before TTC.  You make it work.  If he's stressed about how it will change things, maybe a little counseling might help.

I have to go to work, so likely a P&R, but I'm sure others will chime in.  And congratulations on your pregnancy

LaBellaVita23

I am so sorry you are in this position.  How are your finances?  Are they really that fragile or was this just a convenient excuse?  Are your jobs truly that stressful or is this just another excuse? 

But honestly, if you don't want to get one, I wouldn't get one but know this may mean that it may end your relationship with your fiance.  I don't think I would ever be able to forgive my husband if he forced me into an abortion of our child.  Not to mention my own guilt I would feel.  Unfortuately, this may be one of those situations where there is no win-win.  If you keep the baby, it may end your relationship since he doesn't want it.  If you abort it, it may end the relationship as well due to the emotional implications.

But of course this is a deeply personal decision and you need to do what's best for you.  Good luck.

Lizzieyounce

I don't know you well enough to advise you, but I will be praying for you and your FI.

J&K10910

Does he know about your past miscarriage?  I mean, it seems awfully a-hole-like of him to suggest an abortion knowing you've miscarried in the past. 

sarabellam

Go back and re-read what Stackeye wrote. Then read it again. I can't write any better advice than that. I'm sorry that you are in this position, and I hope the 2 of you can work things out for the best.

ECOlson

First of all, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this!  I absolutely cannot imagine what you're going through.

When you say you don't want abortion, is it because you don't believe in abortion or because you want to keep and raise the child?  The reason I'm asking is because there's always adoption.  If you and your FI really don't have the resources to raise a child and absolutely could not find a way to make it work, adoption is another solution.  However, it's only a solution if you were okay with giving up your child, which (for me) would probably be even harder than deciding to have an abortion. 

Either way, I think you guys could really benefit from seeing a counselor, or talking to a neutral third party like a pastor (just NOT a family member).  Having someone to hear both of your sides and look at your finances with you will be really beneficial.  It's really important that the two of you be on the same page, because like a PP said, this is not some silly wedding decision that won't really mean much in the long run, this is your LIFE and it will be forever impacted by the decisions you make. 

Good luck, and remember to do what's best for YOU.

tpender13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-fi-wants-an-abortion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c51637f6-a10c-4e65-a2f1-461f6212fff2Post:649b1c64-3397-429c-ae2a-7c31cbd512a9">Re: NWR. FI wants an abortion...</a>:
[QUOTE]Does he know about your past miscarriage?  I mean, it seems awfully a-hole-like of him to suggest an abortion knowing you've miscarried in the past. 
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

Where does she talk about having a miscarriage? Or do you know the OP, IRL or otherwise?

Habs2Hart

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-fi-wants-an-abortion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c51637f6-a10c-4e65-a2f1-461f6212fff2Post:5cbf0849-66ed-46cb-9144-180321e01a03">Re: NWR. FI wants an abortion...</a>:
[QUOTE]Well seeing as how I'm pro-choice, you choose what you want to do.   You own your decision and you don't be sorry for it either.  If not having an abortion is what you want to do, well then you tell your FI to step up or step out.  Odds are you'll be calling his bluff.  Sure, maybe the timing isn't right, but that baby is a blessing and it took the two of you to create it.  I hope he's just freaking out and sees very quickly how ridiculous of a request he has put on you.  I'm sorry that you are dealing with that, I'm sure you're scared of being pregnant yourself and to feel alone in it on top of things has got to be brutal.  Be yourself, make decisions for yourself.  Sometimes life isn't easy.  I had a baby the very first time I had sex with my husband.  So yea, we did things in reverse, it was effing stressful, but we were both committed to the life we created and we grew up.  I'll be the first to say it's probably the hardest thing you'll ever go through, but having a baby after you're married will be JUST as stressful.  If he wants to make it work, you guys will make it work.  I hope he steps up when/if you tell him an abortion is a NO GO.  Best wishes.  Keep us updated please. 
Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

This.  A million times over.  Give him some time, give you some time to think about everything, to mull it over and to come to terms with what either choice will bring you in the long term. 

Good luck and hugs.  You aren't alone. 

brilibby4

I'm so sorry!  You have received some great advice so far.  I really think the first step is to sit down and have a serious conversation with your fiance.  I can understand being stressed about finances because that would also be my fiance's concern if I were to get pregnant right now.  For us it would just mean making some lifestyle changes.  Maybe this is the answer for you as well?  First, we would definitely scale down our wedding because I wouldn't want to spend tons of money on a party when it could be helping us prepare for the baby.  Have you considered this?  I would discuss all your options openly when you sit down with your fiance.  Instead of instantly saying no to the abortion, explain to him why its not an option for you.  Discuss some options to help you two prepare financially and lessen your job stress.  I hope everything works out for you!

saacjw

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this whole thing. I can't imagine how hard that must be.

I second the councilor thing. A third party really might help you figure out things. If it really is the finance thing- seriously, you can make it work. It might not be easy, but there are amazing ways to cut back on child-related expenses that I would have never even though of if I hadn't had a friend who is the most frugal person ever. The other thing with the councilor is that they would help you figure out if this is really a "worried about finances" thing or a "worried about a lot of other things" thing. 

Legu

See... I didn't even know what I wanted from this post, yet you ladies still manage to deliver, thank you. So to drop some background... We stopped planning the wedding, pretty much. We'll still [depending] get married but it'll be a small intimate affair, family an best buds and a "reception" dinner at a resteraunt rather than big party etc. It's not 'till late 2014 anyways. Financially, we're not well off, but we don't struggle. Having a baby would add strain, obviously, but we'd cope, same as anyone else. We both work as joint managers of a pub for a well know chain in the UK, so yes, work is stressful, but it doesn't need to be the massive panic he's making out. I'm only 7 weeks along, so technically an abortion is a viable option for a few weeks yet... I just really don't want one. I don't have a problem with them, there are all kinds of reasons for people to get them, but... Not for me. I think that's everything...

ski2play

Legu

Follow your head and your heart.  The choice you make over this will follow you for the rest of your life.  Good thoughts to you and your FI.

Habs2Hart

If you don't want an abortion, you need to be clear.  He cannot force it on you.  If he's really freaked out, he may leave, and you have to be ready for that.  Some people cannot handle that responsibility. 

Talking to a third party (who is removed from the situation) like a counsellor is a really good idea and hopefully will help you both discuss it and come to terms with what may happen. 

Good luck.  You seem pretty clear on what you want.  I hope everything goes well for you. 

Legu

Wow... Loads more people posted in the time it took me to add my reply. Yes, I did post on chit chat a little while ago, so that's where the miscarriage info came from. Yes he does know about it, which is why I'm so shocked he's suggesting this now. Yes, he's the more "logical" of the two of us, but... I just don't see how he thinks we couldn't make this work. As a PP said, if this isn't the "right" time, when the heck is?

bonge

I looked after a baby & myself for 418 a month. All formula & diapers, food for me, i even smoked etc. Babies are expensive but they don't have to be super expensive if you know how to shop right. What is the mat leave policy for your job? How is daycare there?

He is probably struggling & maybe panicing a bit cause he isn't quite ready but don't let him force you into something you don't want to do. You will hate him & resent him forever. At the same time you can't expect him to just conform to your way of thinking at drop of a hat as well. He should be responsible but he may not be. 

Give it a few days to blow over then tell him how you feel. Go from there, but don't do it yet as you are freshly hurt. 

Legu

We've always said "children one day", it is very much an "earlier than expected" situation... To which my reply was something like "so you want to kill our baby because it came along at the wrong time"... He didn't really know what to say to that

Calypso1977

ive heard alot of people say that if you wait until the "right time" to have a baby then it will never happen.  when you think about it, given the major changes that a baby brings, is there ever really a "right time" or "ideal time"?

when i look around at the folks i know personally who have had "surprises", every one of them says that they can't imagine life without that child. 

i hope you follow through with the pregancy, and i genuinely hope that you have your partner by your side.  but if he chooses another path, you will be ok. 

good luck!

Tina3104

I too am sorry you are in this position. What it all comes down to is an excuse can always be found to not have children now. If you do have the baby, you need to be prepared to be a single mother, which is also financially stressful. If you both aren't wanting the baby, keep it, and stay together, you may be a single mother anyway as he may be resentful.

I hope you make a decision that is right for you. Whatever you do, though, I agree you guys should go to counseling.

Good Luck.

StephBeanWed61502

Legu, how does your FI cope with change generally?  My FI has a really hard time with sudden change (and occasionally says epic-ly stupid things in response to sudden, unexpected change), and I could imagine him having exactly this reaction if I were to have an unplanned pregnancy.  With any change - even good change - his initial reaction tends to be to want to preserve the status quo, and it takes him a while to come around to the idea that different =/= worse.  It wouldn't mean he wouldn't want to be a dad - he does - it would be more indicative of his complete and utter shock and lack of preparedness, KWIM?  I suspect this could be the case for your FI as well.

Give him some time to adjust, and consider having a few sessions with a counselor for the two of you to get some help processing this enormous change in your life.

(And I know it doesn't feel like a happy occasion right now, but congratulations on your pregnancy - this may not have been when you wanted it to happen, but it sounds like this baby is something that you want, and that should be celebrated, at least a little, yes?)

chelseamb11

I don't have much to add other than prayers I will be sending your way.
I agree on maybe seeing a counselor, but in the end, please don't let him force you to do something you don't want to do.  It could create a ton of resentment down the road and put a major rift in your relationship.

Blue & White

If you found out a month ago, you don't have a ton of time to decide on an abortion, but if you don't want one, you shouldn't get one.  Even if you want an abortion, there's a pretty huge psychological toll the procedure (and loss of hormones) can take on the body.

I would definitely talk to FI again.  This is kinda a big deal.

And I'd take care of the baby before I took care of the wedding.  If you have to put your wedding plans or plans to buy a house or whatever on hold for your child, you can do that.

As for how expensive a baby is?  I've seen it done on 40k a year, 20k a year, 100k+ a year - it just depends on the lifestyle you want for you and your baby.

midgetthemighty

I'm sorry Legu. You need to follow your head and your heart. Don't let him pressure you into something you truly don't want to do. Sounds like a discussion after the inital shock of the surprise is in order. I wish you the best of luck with this. *hugs*

AEUserSN2012

TK is hiding all the other responses, so I can't see what has already been said, but I had to respond to this. This is an AE because I don't want to share my story publicly.

I got pregnant when I was 22. I had very little money, although I lived at home and have great parents who would have been more than supportive. My boyfriend at the time had a full time job and made decent money. We could have gotten by, but he said a baby would bankrupt us, and ruin our lives. He told me he would leave me if I didn't have an abortion. I didn't know what I wanted, but I felt like I couldn't do it on my own, so I felt like I didn't have a choice. I had the abortion and several years later, I still regret it, because I did it for the wrong reason.

Please do not have an abortion purely because he wants you to. You will likely regret it if it isn't what you really want. I was, and still am, very pro-choice, but it has to be YOUR choice. Do not do something like this for another person. You can find a way to get by if it's really what you want to do.

For the record, the boyfriend regretted it later as well. He told me the realization of what we were doing didn't really hit him until we were there, doing it. He told me he was sorry he'd asked me to do that. I realize now that he was scared, like I was, and he handled it wrong.

Please feel free to PM if you want to talk further. I know what you're going through and I truly feel for you, because it's a situation I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Legu

See, you're all coming out with the same sort of things that I'm thinking, so I guess at least that validates that I'm not "crazy for thinkin I could bring a child into the world etc etc". That's not quite what I mean but you get the gist, I think? We've gone through changes before, moved from one end of the country to the other, and so on... He pretty much takes it in his stride. I understand the shock reaction, but... I told him as soon as I found out, two or three weeks ago now... Had he brought it up that night, I may well have gone with shock and panic... But a coupla weeks on? That's not like him... If he has something to say, he says it. This makes me believe that he has genuinely thought it over... I don't know if I flat out refuse abortion if he'll stay or not... I'd like to think so, but he's not used to me putting my foot down [I'm extremely laid back]. I don't know if the stress of the baby could ruin us...? On the other hand, if he "forces" or guilts me into having the abortion, I don't think I could stay with him... It's all very confusing.

SB1512

Ultimately it's your decision, but as others have mentioned, you should be prepared for the possiblilty that he may end up leaving at some point.  Whether it is immedietly when you say you will not have an abortion or later down the road because he stuck around for a bit and then ended up resenting you and the baby will only be known with time.  Or the flip side is that he just needs to get used to the idea of a very very big change and over the course of the pregnancy will get used to the idea and get excited about it.  But as others have said, it's your body, and the decision does lie with you.  Do not let yourself get forced into an abortion if that truly is not what you want.

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-fi-wants-an-abortion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c51637f6-a10c-4e65-a2f1-461f6212fff2Post:f9b8cd29-4186-48fd-9b36-97b4d97d7de8">Re:NWR. FI wants an abortion...</a>:
[QUOTE]See, you're all coming out with the same sort of things that I'm thinking, so I guess at least that validates that I'm not "crazy for thinkin I could bring a child into the world etc etc". That's not quite what I mean but you get the gist, I think? We've gone through changes before, moved from one end of the country to the other, and so on... He pretty much takes it in his stride. I understand the shock reaction, but... I told him as soon as I found out, two or three weeks ago now... Had he brought it up that night, I may well have gone with shock and panic... But a coupla weeks on? That's not like him... If he has something to say, he says it. This makes me believe that he has genuinely thought it over... I don't know if I flat out refuse abortion if he'll stay or not... I'd like to think so, but he's not used to me putting my foot down [I'm extremely laid back]. I don't know if the stress of the baby could ruin us...? <strong>On the other hand, if he "forces" or guilts me into having the abortion, I don't think I could stay with him...</strong> It's all very confusing.
Posted by Legu[/QUOTE]

I am glad you are realizing the bolded.  If he in any way bullies you into it (or anything for that matter) or leaves you because you did it, this could be very eye-opening as to his intentions going into your marriage.