Wedding Etiquette Forum

NWR. FI wants an abortion...

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Re: NWR. FI wants an abortion...

  • It is definitely all very confusing.  And it's so scary! 

    When I got pregnant, my H (bf at the time) his response was, "I didn't know it was that easy".  And then literally sat there all awkwardly silent for at least 15 minutes.  I could understand his reaction b/c we had only been dating 6 months and that was literally the first time we had sex, so it was a shock.  I can imagine it hurts much deeper to not have him share the excitement when you guys are very committed to one another and are planning a wedding. 

    Since I've been married we've tried to pull the trigger on having more kids probably 5 times, and each time we back out and set a date further in the future.  If we wouldn't have had our daughter by accident, we wouldn't have any kids at all yet, that's a given.  I always say that I wish I would just accidentally get knocked up again b/c it's so much easier than deciding to have a baby. 

    ISH IS SCARY.  I think you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel.  Let him know you don't want an abortion and that while this is scary for the both of you he needs to imagine how it would feel to be in your shoes at the moment.  You're going through all these changes and he's essentially making you do it alone, and that's not fair.  Let him know that you're in things for the long haul, and while maybe not the right time, it is the time in yoru lives where you're going to be parents.  If he feels he'll resent your decision he needs to speak up, but let him know you'd like him to think otherwise and get used to the idea, even excited. 

    Babies are stress, babies are money, but they're also amazing little things that add so much to your life.  You should be happy right now and you and your FI should be becoming a team right now, not drawing lines in the sand. 

    Fuuck I feel so bad for you right now. 
  • Man, Stacks, I think we all knew that Mr. Stacks was awesome, but I appreciate him so much more now knowing that he stepped up to the plate and manned up so early on in the relationship.  You have a keeper.
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  • Okay, I'm going to ditto Stacks again.  She says it all perfectly.  I hope your Fl takes a page out of Stack's H's book.

    I just want to hug you right now. 
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  • I think TK ate my original post, so I'm going to type it out again. Sorry if it pops up twice. This is an AE because I don't want to share my story publicly.

    I got pregnant when I was 22. I didn't have a lot of money, although I did live at home at the time, and I have great parents who would have been very supportive, if I'd told them. My boyfriend at the time had a good job and made decent money. We could have gotten by. When I told him I was pregnant, he freaked out and told me that a baby would ruin our lives and that we couldn't afford it. He said he would leave if I didn't have an abortion. I felt like I couldn't do it on my own, so I felt like I didn't have a choice. I had the abortion, and I regret it to this day.

    Please don't have an abortion for him. If it's not what you want to do, you'll likely end up regretting it. I was, and still am, very pro-choice... but it has to be YOUR choice. No one else should be able to make this decision for you, so please don't let him. There are ways to get by if you decide you really want to have the baby.

    For the record, the boyfriend later regretted it as well. He said he didn't fully realize what we were doing until we were there, doing it. He said he was sorry for asking me to do that. I realize now that he was scared and he handled everything wrong.

    Please PM me if you want to talk further. I know what you're going through and I truly feel for you. I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone.
  • I agree with Stacks. It is really scary to start talking about trying to have a baby. It's so easy to see all the ways you are not prepared for a child. Like others have said, there is no perfect time to have a baby. Period. 

    I hope you will be able to make the decision to do what you want with or without your FI's support. My heart aches for you. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-fi-wants-an-abortion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c51637f6-a10c-4e65-a2f1-461f6212fff2Post:c3b29309-eaff-4bb7-b304-defad769ec41">Re: NWR. FI wants an abortion...</a>:
    [QUOTE]ive heard alot of people say that if you wait until the "right time" to have a baby then it will never happen.  when you think about it, given the major changes that a baby brings, is there ever really a "right time" or "ideal time"? Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I say this to my fiance all the time.  I know that he would ideally feel most comfortable waiting until we are very financially stable and living in the home of our dreams in order to have kids, but that may never happen.  </div><div>
    </div><div>I personally would not have an abortion, and I think that if your fiance isn't willing to stand by you through this than he isn't the one for you.  You certainly didn't go and get pregnant all by yourself without his help...</div><div>
    </div><div>

    </div>
  • I really don't have anything to add advice-wise but I just wanted to say I'm sorry that you're having to go through this right now and that T&P are headed your way.
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  • I have no advice whatsoever, Stacks has already said anything I could possibly come up with and far more eloquently.

    What I do have to say is that I hope your FI comes around and becomes excited to bring your baby into the world with you.  I wish you all the best for a happy, healthy pregnancy.
  • All I'd have to add, since the AE has great advice - she said to please not have an abortion just because your FI wants you to.  That is an excellent point.  If you do this for the wrong reasons, you may end up resenting him for a very long time, if not the rest of your life.  And that would definitely take a toll on your relationship.

    It makes me sad when people say babies would "ruin" your life.  I mean, I can see that it would complicate things, make your plans change, and create challenges - but "ruining your life" - I dunno, that just seems a little over the top.

    Whatever you decide, make sure it's the right choice for you.  I am sorry that you guys are finding yourself in this situation and that you have to make this choice.  I wish you the best.
    panther
  • I know people who have had abortions and regretted, had abortions and years later still feel it was the best decision they ever made. I also know people who have gone through with unexpected pregnancies that are very happy with their decision ... and others that years later still resent their children. There really is no cut and dry, one-size-fits-all decision in this scenario.

    The very bottom line for me is: it's your body, so you get the final say on this. Your FI can decide what to do with your decision after you make it (Stay, leave, whatever) ... but he doesn't get to tell you whether or not you go through with this pregnancy.

    Best wishes <3

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
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  • It sounds like you want to have this baby. It sounds like you do not want to have an abortion. I think you have your decision there. I think you would be wreck if you were guilted into an abortion, and you wouldn't be able to stay with your FI, and then you'd be single and not have your baby. You have to explain this to your FI. Tell him that you cannot abort this baby and tell him you either need to find a way to work it out together or go your separate ways. Get a 3rd party in there, even just to reassure him that it CAN be done.

    I had a pregnancy scare with FI a few years ago. We were in no place to have a baby. I had a positive test but I miscarried before I was forced into a decision. H and I discussed this a few months before we got married- what if I accidentally got pregnant again. This time we wouldn't abort just because it's a couple years too soon. It seems like that's the situation you're in. It's a little early. But not outrageously so. No one is ever ready for a kid. You just make the best of the situation.
  • Oh! And because it seems you want this baby- CONGRATULATIONS! You're going to have a baby! That is wonderful news and whatever turmoil you have to go through, you will have a happy baby with a mother who loves him or her. That's not so bad :)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-fi-wants-an-abortion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c51637f6-a10c-4e65-a2f1-461f6212fff2Post:50bb8bc2-2e09-4379-bddd-2f4d1e9b82a1">Re: NWR. FI wants an abortion...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh! And because it seems you want this baby- CONGRATULATIONS! You're going to have a baby! That is wonderful news and whatever turmoil you have to go through, you will have a happy baby with a mother who loves him or her. That's not so bad :)
    Posted by Natrasha[/QUOTE]

    That is the best thing for a baby - a loving family.

    I will add to the congratulations and encourage you to follow your heart - you will make the right decision. 
    Anniversary
  • "The very bottom line for me is: it's your body, so you get the final say on this. Your FI can decide what to do with your decision after you make it (Stay, leave, whatever) ... but he doesn't get to tell you whether or not you go through with this pregnancy."

    I Agree 100%.  You have to do what you feel is right for YOU.  I am sorry for what you are going through, if I could give you a hug I would.  Be strong, and stick to your guns.  Everything happens for a reason.  GL :)
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-fi-wants-an-abortion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c51637f6-a10c-4e65-a2f1-461f6212fff2Post:4dc07971-f698-4767-b3f0-1c0a47b4d745">Re: NWR. FI wants an abortion...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am so sorry you are in this position.  How are your finances?  Are they really that fragile or was this just a convenient excuse?  Are your jobs truly that stressful or is this just another excuse?  But honestly, if you don't want to get one, I wouldn't get one but know this may mean that it may end your relationship with your fiance.  I don't think I would ever be able to forgive my husband if he forced me into an abortion of our child.  Not to mention my own guilt I would feel.  Unfortuately, this may be one of those situations where there is no win-win.  If you keep the baby, it may end your relationship since he doesn't want it.  If you abort it, it may end the relationship as well due to the emotional implications. But of course this is a deeply personal decision and you need to do what's best for you.  Good luck.
    Posted by LaBellaVita23[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this.

    OP, in the end, it is your choice. This might really impact your relationship, though, if he doesn't want a child right now. You might end up raising the child entirely on your own. But he needs to understand that it is your decision in the end. What he decides to do after YOU decide about the baby is then his decision.
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    grrr i would love to see all 48 responses. Stupid tk, cant see all the great advice you got or how you feel now. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-fi-wants-an-abortion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c51637f6-a10c-4e65-a2f1-461f6212fff2Post:c04d5a07-b263-49c2-a190-f6f269a4b34b">Re:NWR. FI wants an abortion...</a>:
    [QUOTE]We've always said "children one day", it is very much an "earlier than expected" situation... To which my reply was something like "so you want to kill our baby because it came along at the wrong time"... He didn't really know what to say to that
    Posted by Legu[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>yeah, i bet he didn't have a response to that! i'm glad you said that to him! It sounds like he's partly in shock/scared about so rapidly starting a family even before you tie the knot, but finances? really? money and job issues the lamest excuse to 'we shouldn't have a child' ever. loads of people make it work with likely less than what you guys have. </div><div>
    </div><div>my FI and i have discussed and agreed in the opinion of 'if it happens, well then it's time to pony up and be parents, but we won't 'pull the goalie'" so to speak so we might never actually TRY to get pregnant </div><div>so if this is something that you feel is similar with how you guys felt, and you can imagine being a mom, then it's the perfect time! </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-fi-wants-an-abortion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c51637f6-a10c-4e65-a2f1-461f6212fff2Post:40883723-ff98-440f-845c-b05b5c8ff9ff">Re: NWR. FI wants an abortion...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't have much to add other than prayers I will be sending your way. I agree on maybe seeing a counselor, but in the end, please don't let him force you to do something you don't want to do.  It could create a ton of resentment down the road and put a major rift in your relationship.
    Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]

    Prayers your way also.  I agree with this post the most.
    No one wll be able to tell you what is best for you except for you.
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