What about MY plus one?

mlashley

My sister who I have always been close to is getting married soon, and when she sent out the invites she addressed it only to me, not to my long time (3 years) live-in, soon to be FH(we are getting officially engaged after he finishes Basic Training for the Air Force). She lives out of state, but every time she is up she seems to be cool with him, though I know her FH is not a huge fan. I casually mentioned, the not getting an invite and she did not respond... so what's the deal?
Me and FH are getting married in a year (approx.) how would she feel if I didn't invite her man?

danieliza1127

Are you sure it wasn't just a case of her assuming that you know he's invited?  I've actually read people giving that advice here, not to put the other person's name because you should just know they're invited.  I would make sure it wasn't something like that first, but if she really is not inviting him, we'd be having a serious talk because that's not okay at all.

squirrly

Does she know you're planning to get engaged?  I'd have another talk with her.  If she refuses to invite him, you'll have to decide whether it's more important to you to make a stand, or to be at her wedding. 

Personally, I'd make a stand and not attend. 

eastunder1

That sucks.  And is terribly rude.  He's not just some random fling, he LIVES with you.  I would ask her about it.  Yeah, you don't question a bride about her guest list blah blah blah... its your sister.   I'm assuming the two of you are close and talk about htings. Ask her.   She may not realize what a tremendous blunder she has made.  Some  idiot may have told her she didn't have to invite hi m since you aren't engaged or married.   Talk to her about it.  

If my family did something so blatantly rude to us as a couple and stuck to it, I wouldn't attend the wedding.  Me and my FI are a unit and he comes before the family. 

mlashley

When I asked her about it she made it clear it was just me, she just did not give me a reason as to why he was not included. And yes she knows about our plans I went to visit her and my mother and we all went shopping for wedding stuff together.

salt78

How long ago did you ask her about it? I'm hoping she made a mistake because if she meant to do this, it's incredibly rude.

If I were in this situation and was told by a family member that NO my FI couldn't attend, I wouldn't be attending either.

lyndausvi

My DH comes first.   I reallly do not think I would attend the wedding if he was not invited.  Even if it was my sister's wedding.   Is your mom involved in the planning?  If she is can you talk to her about the situation?

BecW2be

WTF? I'd give her a copy of a wedding etiquette book, with a pretty ribbon marking the page about +1s. Then on the ribbon in paint pen, write your RSVP: No thank you.

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c56e3d83-ad8e-4073-8b44-c408029825d2Post:7c1c7ba2-19d2-4039-8f24-127c74aec5e0">Re: What about MY plus one?</a>:
[QUOTE]When I asked her about it she made it clear it was just me, she just did not give me a reason as to why he was not included. And yes she knows about our plans I went to visit her and my mother and we all went shopping for wedding stuff together.
Posted by mlashley[/QUOTE]

Ask her again and get a straight answer out of her. That's horseshit.

mocha beans

Yeah, I'd be not going then.  Any explanation she could come up with would piss me off if FI wasn't invited, I'd be more pissed if there was no explanation at all.

squirrly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c56e3d83-ad8e-4073-8b44-c408029825d2Post:7c1c7ba2-19d2-4039-8f24-127c74aec5e0">Re: What about MY plus one?</a>:
[QUOTE]When I asked her about it she made it clear it was just me, she just did not give me a reason as to why he was not included. And yes she knows about our plans I went to visit her and my mother and we all went shopping for wedding stuff together.
Posted by mlashley[/QUOTE]

Yeah. . . I'd tell her we come together or not at all.  Her choice. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Even if you aren't engaged, a thre-year relationship is certainly grounds to need to invite someone's significant other. She's definitely breaking the "rules" of etiquette here.

I don't know that I'd go so far as to not attend if she refuses to invite him, since she IS your sister, but definitely make it known that this is not okay. Involve your parents if need be.

I don't know why someone would NOT invite their potential future brother-in-law to their wedding. It's just weird.

Night_Sprite

You and almost FI are a social unit now.  I'd tell her to shove it.

mocha beans

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c56e3d83-ad8e-4073-8b44-c408029825d2Post:7f595f8e-d72b-427a-8d1e-888537fe767c">Re: What about MY plus one?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What about MY plus one? : Ask her again and get a straight answer out of her. That's horseshit.
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

Especially since he's going to be her brother in law.  Way to make for some hard feelings in the family for a long time.

megk8oz

Wait, so he's not invited at all?

At first I was just going to say "FI and I have been living together for over a year (the weddding's in less than a month) and we still occassionally get stuff addressed to only one of us (A recent wedding invite in his family came addressed to Mr. Meg's FI, but then the RSVP card made it clear that they knew he'd be bringing me), but it's common knowledge we're a packaged deal at this point. Just call her to clarify if a seat was being held for him".

But now it sounds like they really meant "only you". Which is not cool. I know that there are certain lines people can draw when it comes to plus 1s (Not everybody agrees with this, but I'm sorry, the random cousin who's single that I'm only inviting out of obligation is NOT being given a date) but you're her sister and she's very much so aware of the situation, so you should have been given one.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Yes, it's now clear to me that she's purposely excluding him, it's not just a mistake.

It's usually very rude for people to respond on the response card with uninvited guests, but in this case, SHE'S being rude, so I'd write him in if talking to her gets you no where. And you might have to use the "we're a social unit; if he doesn't go I don't go" threat to get her to comply, though that would be a last resort for me.

Anon I. Mouse

Does she have some sort of extreme budgetary concerns? Is it an incredibly small wedding?

I have to say, if someone invited me to a wedding and did not invite my FI, I would decline the invitiation - sister or not. I imagine FI would do the same. We both love our families, however we also see ourselves as our own family unit.

I suspect your sister is being passive-aggressive about her feelings about your partner, more so evidenced by her refusal to provide reason for not inviting him.

While neither FI or I like our respective sister's boyfriends much at all we still invited them. Sure we could of reasoned not to invite them due to very small guest list and small budget but at the end of the day we are not going to use our wedding to make a statement on our view of their relationship, or have our sisters feel in a tight spot because we did not want to invite their partners.

LarissaAnn

I love my sister to death (and she'd never do this), but seriously if she invited me to anything without my H, I'd refuse to go.

MissLeahM

Personally, I would go to the recemony but not the reception since she has made it clear that he isn't invited. That way you can make a stand but also it ensures that you don't regret your decision later on.

megk8oz

I would say if any of my siblings didn't invite FI I wouldn't go. But honestly, my mother would never stand for something so rude from one of her kids, I gaurantee if she found out, she'd find a way to get the invitation out of the mail before it reached my house, bring it back to said sibling, berate them for being so rude, and then essentially not leave them alone until I got my "plus 1". My mom's awesome like that.

I normally don't condone this, but I'd RSVP for the both of you. She has to respond to that if she isn't planning on including him. If she doesn't respond to that, I'd say you're in the clear to bring him.

If she responds, demand an explanation. Then proceed to explain that you 2 are a social unit, if he's not invited, you're not going.

And then after all of that, if she really does not back down on the issue, I would not only skip her wedding (For that reason), and then when it comes time to mail your own invites, I would let her know that she's not getting a "plus 1".

Ok, the last part might be a bit petty ... but I'm in a really biotchy mood today and lack the tolerance for this kinda BS.

squirrly

You said her FI doesn't like your bf.  Any clue why?  I mean, if they've previously been in fistfights, then maybe this makes sense.  Otherwise - no.  And really, if my sister didn't invite FI to any social function, much less her wedding, I don't think we'd be speaking anymore.

ScarletGem

Yeah, she's seriously in the wrong here.  And tough as it would be, I also would muster the cajones to not attend her wedding because of this behavior. 

I don't agree that you should just RSVP for both of you, though; if she already told you that your BF isn't invited, then your'e being passive-aggressive by RSVPing for him anyway.  You need to work this out with her like the adults you are.  Could you take her out for a drink and talk to her (calmly) about this?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c56e3d83-ad8e-4073-8b44-c408029825d2Post:ec0faa60-7882-4f6f-ae43-69f2d22a68ab">Re: What about MY plus one?</a>:
[QUOTE]You said her FI doesn't like your bf.  Any clue why?  I mean, if they've previously been in fistfights, then maybe this makes sense.  Otherwise - no.  And really, if my sister didn't invite FI to any social function, much less her wedding, I don't think we'd be speaking anymore.
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

If I were the OP I wouldn't really care why, since not liking someone's BF doesn't mean you get a free pass to not invite them.

(I know you're not implying that.)

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c56e3d83-ad8e-4073-8b44-c408029825d2Post:82830981-8d02-4c06-8432-677dcc4b8431">Re: What about MY plus one?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What about MY plus one? : If I were the OP I wouldn't really care why, since not liking someone's BF doesn't mean you get a free pass to not invite them. (I know you're not implying that.)
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

Ditto this. I totally hate my older sister's boyfriend (Actually, my whole family thinks he's a tool ... which he is). But they have a kid together and live together on and off, so guess what? My sister got a plus 1. They apparently started having issues again recently, so he will not be attending, but the point is he got invited to my wedding, in spite of my feelings for him, and if he was attending, I'd suck it up and thank him for coming. As it is, until we give the final head count to the venue (Which is in like 2 weeks), I'm actually still willing to include him if they change their minds about him coming.

mlashley

My sister's FH does not like him because in high school my sister went on like 4 dates with my FH (high school people! A million years ago! And not even a real relationship!)

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c56e3d83-ad8e-4073-8b44-c408029825d2Post:7ad26731-0506-4818-adb9-8bc55bc5bae8">Re: What about MY plus one?</a>:
[QUOTE]My sister's FH does not like him because in high school my sister went on like 4 dates with my FH (high school people! A million years ago! And not even a real relationship!)
Posted by mlashley[/QUOTE]

are you serious?  Your FBIL is jealous.  Even more of a reason not to attend.   Are you in the wedding?  If so then I would most likely go to the ceremony, but not the reception.    If they are getting married in a church, I would still bring your BF.... but I'm mean like that.

megk8oz

Ok, if that's really the reason, your FBIL clearly has insecurity issues that he needs to work on. Is your sister aware that this is an issue?

I mean, she must know what the problem is, but is she aware that him having this kind of a problem is an issue? Idk, I'd personally think the guy has super jealousy problems and that he's not emotionally healthy enough to get married now.

squirrly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c56e3d83-ad8e-4073-8b44-c408029825d2Post:7ad26731-0506-4818-adb9-8bc55bc5bae8">Re: What about MY plus one?</a>:
[QUOTE]My sister's FH does not like him because in high school my sister went on like 4 dates with my FH (high school people! A million years ago! And not even a real relationship!)
Posted by mlashley[/QUOTE]

You need to have a heart-to-heart with your sister.  She needs to understand she is potentially ruining Thanksgiving, Christmas, and every other family function for the rest of time by allowing her FI to hold a HS grudge over 4 dates. 

Talk to your parents, too.

And then stand up for yourself and your FI.  I would never allow my family to ignore my FI or exclude him.  We come together.  Period.  No exceptions.

mlashley

Their wedding is in another state, and I am supposed to be the MOH. I don't want to be rude in return (two wrongs don't make a right  ), but it does just seem so stupid...

mocha beans

Yeah, that's a pretty BS reason.  Even if high school was a year or two ago, if you're gonna get married, you ought to be mature enough to not hold a grudge against someone for going on a few dates with your fiancee.  Especially if that person is going to be your brother in law.

LarissaAnn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c56e3d83-ad8e-4073-8b44-c408029825d2Post:7ad26731-0506-4818-adb9-8bc55bc5bae8">Re: What about MY plus one?</a>:
[QUOTE]My sister's FH does not like him because in high school my sister went on like 4 dates with my FH (high school people! A million years ago! And not even a real relationship!)
Posted by mlashley[/QUOTE]

<div>Sorry, but that's a pathetic reason, and if I were your sister, I'd tell my FI to get the hell over it already.  Then again, if I had a FI that irrationally and idiotically jealous, I wouldn't be having a wedding.</div>