had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing

Nickivegan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:cb968e96-a2cf-4452-8f07-321fc210e2be">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing : *rolls eyes* yeah cause typos really make my opinion invalid.  No one ever said people who get married in a JOP aren't MARRIED.  Just that it's not the same thing as having a wedding.  It's a choice- just like it's a perfectly valid choice to choose to do both. You all need to get over yourselves.  It's kinda distrubing the groupthink around here actually. Just because the opinion is popular among regulars here, doesn't mean you're all right. ~Katy
Posted by chickcasa[/QUOTE]


As far as etiquette is concerned, we are right.
So is OPs mom.

chickcasa

Actually last I checked, you all jump down the throats of people who don't agree with you, and then when they continue to disagree with you accuse them of being trolls.  You very quickly jump to calling people trolls if they say anything other than "oh you must be right" 

~Katy

chickcasa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:949d3c91-9632-4439-a033-b6695bbebbf8">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing : Typos don't make your opinion invalid.  Not being able spell doesn't make it invalid either.  What makes your opinion invalid is that it doesn't matter the circumstances, a PPD after already being married is against etiquette.  That's what makes the regulars around here right - we are following etiquette.  It's not group think, it's right.  Is it group think to think that murder is wrong?  No, murder is against the law.  So for a group of people to think murder is wrong isn't group think, it's the rules.  Deal with it.
Posted by Holly4212011[/QUOTE]

<div>I see, on theknot boards in generally, a lot of "this is right, this is not" without any proof making your opinion of good vs bad etiquette true.</div><div>
</div><div>Until you have reasoning or proof of ANY kind, all you have is a strong opinion.</div><div>
</div><div>~Katy</div>

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:3d2e2229-0836-4e4b-a4b7-97f3fdd2a709">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually last I checked, you all jump down the throats of people who don't agree with you, and then when they continue to disagree with you accuse them of being trolls.  You very quickly jump to calling people trolls if they say anything other than "oh you must be right"  ~Katy
Posted by chickcasa[/QUOTE]


A troll is anyone who joins a forum for the sole purpose of creating drama.

It's not us who are the trolls.

chickcasa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:c39e3c08-46d4-41f5-a8f6-94c0988b1d94">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing : Emily Post - you're welcome.   <a href="http://www.emilypost.com/" rel="nofollow">http://www.emilypost.com/</a>
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]
 <div>
</div><div>Ya know it's funny, I actually quoted the Emily Post website directly in another thread and was told they aren't the authority anymore and this my opinion taken directly from that site is still bad etiquette.</div><div>
</div><div>~Katy</div>

chickcasa

Also you can't just give the website URL and not point specifically to where it covers having a wedding after a separate JOP ceremony. 

~Katy

chickcasa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:430e0a21-25f6-42d8-990b-ff68688bb6fb">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing : Also Miss Manners.  The late Amy Vanderbilt would never have heard of anyone doing such a thing as a re-do wedding.  She wouldn't have believed that anyone would behave in such way as this.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

<div>Times, and etiquete, regarding many things wedding related have changed since Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt died.  </div><div>
</div><div>Yes, etiquette changes.  In fact it specifically says that on the Emily Post website, and it's said in at least one place "while ____ was at one time unheard of, now it is commonplace."</div><div>
</div><div>~Katy</div>

Nickivegan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:3ecc250d-96ff-453d-8844-4abcda23032f">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing : Times, and etiquete, regarding many things wedding related have changed since Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt died.   Yes, etiquette changes.  In fact it specifically says that on the Emily Post website, and it's said in at least one place "while ____ was at one time unheard of, now it is commonplace." ~Katy
Posted by chickcasa[/QUOTE]


When something is commonplace does not automatically make it less tacky, rude or offensive.

Simply Fated

HEY! Lay off of chickcasa! She gave me a great idea on how I'm going to pay my cellphone and oil bills this year. I'm going to register for it! I'm not engaged, but luckily my birthday is in April. Birthday cash registries are okay, right?

dragonwagon

Okay, chickcasa, you and OP win. You can have as many PPD's as it takes to make you feel like you got it all perfect. I mean, if you're going to have more than 1 wedding, why stop at two. Have one as often as you like. Because apparently ettiquette died with Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt.

dragonwagon

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:59e83863-f8b2-4c6c-ab93-faa4ceceab7e">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing : When something is commonplace does not automatically make it less tacky, rude or offensive.
Posted by Nickivegan[/QUOTE]

This. A rule we have in nursing...common =/= normal/acceptable.

mollyehren

Seriously you had the opportunity to have a wedding earlier. When your dealing with planning an event for 25 people I could plan that in well under a week.  While lymphoblastic leukemia is not a good thing not treating it for a week won't kill you either. If people chose not to go that is their choice but it shows where their priorities are. You could do a reception alone if all you want is a party.

Also not saying your lying but that form of cancer is far and away mostly seem in very young children and men over 70.

dragonwagon

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:df1bd0da-6572-456b-8a49-fc8999671dad">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]Also not saying your lying but that form of cancer is far and away mostly seem in very young children and men over 70.
Posted by mollyehren[/QUOTE]

LOL.

Google fail, OP.

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE]i guess i dont understand the difference between a vow renewal, blessing and a wedding. you can call a horse a duck, but it is still a horse
Posted by reallers[/QUOTE]

<div>Exactly the point.   A wedding, whether it occurs in a park, during a formal Catholic mass, in a courthouse with a JOP, in Vegas with Elvis, or skydiving from a plane, <strong>takes a not married couple and makes them married.  </strong>If it does that, it's a wedding, no matter the trappings.<strong>  </strong> Neigh. Saying it wasn't what you ideally wanted doesn't make it not a "real".  Still Neigh.</div><div>
</div><div>A blessing or convalidation differs because it is a <strong>religious seal of approval </strong>of an <strong>already existing marriage</strong>.  Quack.</div><div>
</div><div>A vow renewal is different because it is a <strong>public affirmation</strong> by the couple of an <strong>already existing marriage</strong>.  Moo.</div><div>
</div><div>(Disclaimer: You brought the animal analogies into it, I'm just playing along.)  You can have a party - just don't dress the cow up in a saddle and ask everyone to pretend it's a horsie.</div><div>
</div><div>Oh, and re: cancer?  If my mom told me cancer meant I didn't deserve a wedding, she sure as blazes would not be invited to any subsequent events.  Ever.</div>

chattychiqa

What a shitstorm. I don't understand getting so worked up over the alleged PPD. I wouldn't do it but it doesn't mean it needs to be a source of offense.

KatoNorway

For what it's worth, you can have lymphoblastic leukemia at a young adult age. Yes, it's more prevalent in children & older people, but this does not make OP an automatic lier. (OP may have been diagnosed as a child or just ask my recently diagnosed 22 year old friend how ALL has affected him.)

OP- What about a compromise? Are you completely against a vow renewal? Wait until your 5th or 10th anniversary, skip the "wedding" related things, and have a nice party afterwards. You can still wear an awesome dress (cocktail dresses are perfect for vow renewals.) Personally, if you were my friend, I would go and enjoy the celebration- but obviously, I can't speak for your friends and family. You know them best.

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:f9ad9643-63e5-4761-8ce4-cab63963e54c">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]You people are crazy. Almost ALL of my military friends had a JOP and later had their "big" wedding.  It's common.  Wether you all like it or not. Just because you have one opinion, and a strong opinion, doesn't make your opinion fact. To many of us getting marrie and having a wedding are 2 separate things.  To me, getting married is the legal act, that involves signing a peice of paper.  A wedding on the other hand, as the definition says is "the act of marrying or the celebration of marriage"  JOP ceremonies don't necesarilly come with a celebration.   To the OP- if this is what you want to do and most of your family wants you to do it, then forget the bunch of random strangers who know nothing about you or your situation and would probably about DIE if they were ever IN your situation.  You family wants to come celebrate with you, so give them what they want! ~Katy
Posted by chickcasa[/QUOTE]<div>Funny, the military spouses that i'm friends with did not JOP and have a big wedding later. In fact, most of them look down on that. Some of them moved up their wedding if needed, others waited if that's what it took, but nobody had a PPD. Some did do a very gorgeous, simple vow renewal, but not a PPD. Also, your advice to the OP is terrible. Nobody, except her mom, is going to tell her to her face its a bad idea. Most will just go, side eye it, and then talk about it later. But these internet strangers will tell her the truth. 

</div>

LetsHikeToday

I'm with ggirl here. I'm a military wife and most of my H's friends either got married at the JOP and left it at that or waited until after deployments. Just because some people in the military do JOP and then have their "second wedding" doesn't mean that most military members do it... Or accept it as an excuse.

kara811

I just wish OP came to the military board first, we never get crazies anymore... 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

We might have moved past this, but listen. You had your reasons for getting legally married when you did. I'm sure if the military asks, "are you married?"  for the purposes of benefits, you'd have no problem saying, "Yes, I'm as married as anyone else." Because guess what? You are as married as anyone else here. You can't be a little married. Or married only in one capacity. So the re-do wedding is just a needless dog and pony show. And your family already mentioned how ridiculous they think it is. They don't want to waste their own money on a party for two people who are married and pretending whatever they're doing has some sort of meaning. Because it doesn't.

KellyBrian2013

FTR, chickcasa also is hellbent on hardcore defending honeymoon and cash registries because, and I quote, "Not everyone "just knows" that money will be appreciated, and not everyone would appreciate money as much as a gift. Where on earth people get the idea that "well our COURSE everyone knows people would love money".

Anyone who doesn't believe that people are intelligent enough to realize that money is an appreciated gift automatically invalidates their opinion to me. Seriously.

Also, OP (assuming it isn't MUD, though I'm pretty sure it is) - just.don't.do.it.

My "cousin" had a PPD 2 years after their JOP wedding (where she secretly married her Marine husband). And despite them coming clean about 6 months after the JOP AND being sure to call their PPD a "vow renewal" on the invites, I still side-eyed her vow renewal hardcore. Because it looks like a huge gift-grab and attention seeking act, and nothing more. You're already married - congratulations! And if you want to have a simple celebration since you couldn't, you know, due to the cancer and all, go right ahead... just don't call it a wedding, don't have a bridal party (since you aren't a bride, seeing as you're already married), don't have the big giant white dres... just have a party with friends and family.

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:d37fb2f3-57a3-4707-be3e-13111867e851">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing : ::nodding along:: Especially the bolded part. Because when it comes down to it, that's exactly what you're looking to gain: attention you feel you didn't receive because you CHOSE to go to the JOP.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]



No rachers remember she was totally forced to do the JOP and is now clearly being punished.

froggatt.clare

Wow.  I just read that entire thread.  Thanks for the Tuesday morning dramz!

If this is real
OP - I am so sorry about your cancer.  It is a terrible disease and I'm glad you were able to fight through it.  Having your husband by your side must have been a great support for you.  But - he was your husband then.  How do you think he feels for you to not call your JOP wedding 'the real thing'?  He stood by your side during the entire process, probably held your hair back while you puked and whatnot, and you're telling a bunch of interweb strangers, basically, that he isn't your 'real' husband?  That your wedding wasn't 'real'?

Katy, the OP defender -
No one was mean to the OP until she came back and tried to argue her point.  The etiquette board is for etiquette.  Rules of politeness.  They are not arbitrary or wishy washy.  OP is already married.  Her word choices were offensive to those who had JOP weddings.  PPs were trying to prevent her from an etiquette breach, and gave her options for celebrating her union without using the term 'wedding', since that already occurred.

staceycaine

This was fun to read. I killed about 20 minutes at work. Keep going.

chickcasa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:bfe92ffb-b562-4b07-8818-f474eb8e17d9">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing : No offense, but you're not exactly a bastion of good etiquette with your honeymoon registry. Katy, you give bad advice.  Consistently.  Please stop doing it on the etiquette board, because you're wrong.  Kthankshaveagreatday.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't give bad advice, I give different advice.  You don't have to agree with it.</div><div>
~Katy</div>

chickcasa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:d37fb2f3-57a3-4707-be3e-13111867e851">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing : ::nodding along:: Especially the bolded part. Because when it comes down to it, that's exactly what you're looking to gain: attention you feel you didn't receive because you CHOSE to go to the JOP.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

<div>So what you are all saying is people don't deserve to be treated as though they JUST GOT MARRIED (have showers, get we4dding presents) when they have a JOP wedding, they just get to BE married but don't get the right to get wedding gifts or any other special treatment you all CLEARLY must deserve because you're doing some elaborate wedding first?</div><div>
</div><div>It makes no sense.  I don't see why it offends you so much, I mean really what is the differenc?  You're celebrating a persons marriage, regardless of if it's the day of the legal marriage or not.  </div><div>
</div><div>What about people who have their weddings in places where they won't be able to be legally married, and thus do a separate JOP?  Is that also a horrible thing that means they deserve NO common celebration and respect for their joyous occasion?</div><div>
</div><div>~Katy</div>

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:83d805a7-f529-431f-8202-860c7fcbf8c2">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing : I don't give bad advice, I give different advice.  You don't have to agree with it. ~Katy
Posted by chickcasa[/QUOTE]<div>Except when you are on the etiquette board, it is bad advice. 

</div>

caitlin.cave

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:4d167e18-d9e2-4588-ab70-ad401847686a">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing : So what you are all saying is people don't deserve to be treated as though they JUST GOT MARRIED (have showers, get we4dding presents) when they have a JOP wedding, they just get to BE married but don't get the right to get wedding gifts or any other special treatment you all CLEARLY must deserve because you're doing some elaborate wedding first? It makes no sense.  I don't see why it offends you so much, I mean really what is the differenc?  You're celebrating a persons marriage, regardless of if it's the day of the legal marriage or not.   What about people who have their weddings in places where they won't be able to be legally married, and thus do a separate JOP?  Is that also a horrible thing that means they deserve NO common celebration and respect for their joyous occasion? ~Katy
Posted by chickcasa[/QUOTE]

I usually just creep around and don't post anything, but this is an issue I feel strongly about  too.

You CAN be treated like you just got married when you have a JOP wedding, but only when you <em>did</em> just get married.  Not 6 months or a year or whatever after the fact.

Celebrating a couple's marriage can be done without having a wedding.  As PPs have said, nobody is telling her she can't go to her church and have an ordained minister bless their union if she feels it's important to get the religious aspect; in fact, this was encouraged.  Getting "married" again is not encouraged because to get married, by definition, you have to go in single and come out not single.  OP and her husband cannot go in single, because they are already married.

She and her husband chose to get married when and how they did.  Nobody made them do it.  Now it's time to deal with the consequence of that, which is that it maybe didn't have as much excitement and ceremony as she wanted.  Here's the thing though: at the end of that day at the JOP, she still got married to the man she's decided to spend her life with.  Isn't that enough?

angel=ange

At the end of the day, everybody has different values and different priorities. My Fiance and I are from different countries.. In order for us to be together in the US as soon as possible (we have already spent years apart) we will be having a courthouse ceremony as soon as our visa is approved. The visa doesn't allow us time to plan for a big wedding and there is no way to predict when the visa will be in our hands. My friends and family back in England all want the opportunity to celebrate our union (trimmings and all). So we will be having a celebration later on. I will wear a white dress I will have a "bachelorette" party and I will be surrounded by all the people who WANT to be there. I can understand why some people wouldn't agree with this and call me "tacky" and "attention grabbing". But if that is the case I don't really see why any bride who has a big extravagant wedding isn't called "attention grabbing". If any of my friends judge me for the "bad ettiquete" and decide to Veto our celebration I will understand.The main reason for doing the second day is because we want to celebrate with the people most important to us... Hopefully this sentiment will be more important to THEM than some opinion on ettiquete. Everybody who is important to us knows of our plans and many of them have even encouraged me to have a THIRD celebration in my howmtown. Basically my thought on it is that it's your day, the only people whose opinions count are you and your loved ones. Etiquette may be the be all and end all to a lot of people but times have changed.

This is not an attack on the ladies in this forum... And I do not wish to cause any offense... After all this IS an ettiquete forum.. As I said, everybody has their own situations and opinions.

OP: I do hope the cancer stays in remission and that you and your Husband have a long and happy life together. Celebrate your love and allow the people important to you to celebrate with you. What you label the day as isn't really important.. If ettiquete is important to you, call it a Vow Renewal... I think people will understand you wanting to share a day with them and celebrate your health