How to talk to FMIL without hurt feelings?

michaeloswifey

We are having an adults only wedding/reception (with the exception of a young brother and sister who are in the wedding party) and my FMIL wants to invite her friends special needs son, who is 8 years old. I'm not quite sure what his condition is called, but his brain stopped maturing years ago and he acts out, loudly and physically, if he wants something and doesn't get it. He is usually a great kid, and we love having him over to our home to visit. If we were having children at our recption I would have absolutly no problem having him there. But we're not, due to budget restraints. In fact we've cut the guest list so much, we hadn't even planned on inviting the mother (the guest list is 99% family now) FMIL has offered to pay the extra amount to include him, but that's not even the point.

I'm a bit upset that she thinks he should get special treatment. I have many close young cousins that have been in my life forever and I feel that it's not okay to invite a child we have only known for a few years and not have our actual family attend. Am I being bridezilla about this? I don't feel like he should be an exception to the children rule because we are simply not that close, but my FMIL loves him and wants him there. FI agrees with me, but doesn't want to hurt his mom's feelings and isn't sure what to say to her. I know you guys will be honest with your opinions... so I need your help!

Beverly8

First, who is paying for your wedding? If your FMIL is paying, then she does have a right to say who is invited.  If you and FI are paying for it, then you have all the right to say who is invited.  I would just simply tell FMIL that there are no children invited to the reception what so ever and the only exception is to those included in the wedding party.  It is nice that she has offered to pay for the child ( This makes me think you are paying for the wedding ), but if you are paying, at the end of the day it is up to you and I am sure if you explain that to FMIL she would understand.

Good Luck

kmmssg

I'm a big supporter of no kid weddings.  Could FMIL be coming from the POV that if her friend is invited she must bring her son because she has no one else to care for him?

I do think your FI needs to tell his mom that while you both understand her desire to invite her friend, you have made the no kid policy clear to everyone else and to invite her friend's son could offend others who are complying. 

FI needs to step up to the plate here and not just "agree with you but not want to hurt her feelings."  Time to step up.

michaeloswifey

We are indeed covering the costs (with a LOT of help from my parents). I appreciate your opinion!!

Kate61487

ditto Beverly, you need to just sit down with her and explain that there are no children, period.  It's good that your FI is on your side, but he needs to be able to express himself to his mother - being silently on your side isn't really any help.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-talk-to-fmil-without-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cddab525-64cf-405d-bd9c-07a2ffbfc588Post:540b8f66-13d6-4c10-959a-3bb96e2ec060">How to talk to FMIL without hurt feelings?</a>:
[QUOTE]We are having an adults only wedding/reception (with the exception of a young brother and sister who are in the wedding party) <strong>and my FMIL wants to invite her friends special needs son, who is 8 years old.</strong> I'm not quite sure what his condition is called, but his brain stopped maturing years ago and he acts out, loudly and physically, if he wants something and doesn't get it. He is usually a great kid, and we love having him over to our home to visit. If we were having children at our recption I would have absolutly no problem having him there. But we're not, due to budget restraints. In fact we've cut the guest list so much, we hadn't even planned on inviting the mother (the guest list is 99% family now) <strong>FMIL has offered to pay the extra amount to include him, but that's not even the point. I'm a bit upset that she thinks he should get special treatment.</strong> I have many close young cousins that have been in my life forever and I feel that it's not okay to invite a child we have only known for a few years and not have our actual family attend. <strong>Am I being bridezilla about this?</strong> I don't feel like he should be an exception to the children rule because we are simply not that close, but my FMIL loves him and wants him there. FI agrees with me, but doesn't want to hurt his mom's feelings and isn't sure what to say to her. I know you guys will be honest with your opinions... so I need your help!
Posted by michaeloswifey[/QUOTE]
Does the friend have someone who can watch the child while she's at the wedding or will she not be able (or want) to attend if she can't bring him? <div>If FMIL is offering to pay for him, I don't know why you are still upset. At the end of the day even though you think he shouldn't be getting "special treatment" he is a special needs child so you can't really apply the same rules you are applying to your cousins. </div><div>
</div><div>I wouldn't say brideszilla, but I think it's very inconsiderate if the friend doesn't want to leave the child of have anyone who will watch him. </div><div>Have you asked FMIL if there was any reason the chid needed to be invited?</div><div>
</div><div>ETA:I guess it really depends on how much you want the friend there if childcare is the issue.</div>

michaeloswifey

Unfortunatly we had cut the mother from the guest list, we are only having those that are closest to us. So it's not because she has to worry about leaving him with someone else (though her family does care for him often)

She wants to invite him beacuse she's sort of "adopted" him into her life and he is very special to her. But FI do not share that same relationship with their family.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-talk-to-fmil-without-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cddab525-64cf-405d-bd9c-07a2ffbfc588Post:87faa17d-0f18-43b8-ae86-6e4454ab9c17">Re: How to talk to FMIL without hurt feelings?</a>:
[QUOTE]Unfortunatly we had cut the mother from the guest list, we are only having those that are closest to us. So it's not because she has to worry about leaving him with someone else (though her family does care for him often) She wants to invite him beacuse she's sort of "adopted" him into her life and he is very special to her. But FI do not share that same relationship with their family.
Posted by michaeloswifey[/QUOTE]
This changes things for me completely. <div>If you aren't inviting the mother, don't invite the child. That's just rude to the mother.</div><div>
</div><div>Your FI needs to back you up on this for sure.</div>

cbvcru67

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-talk-to-fmil-without-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cddab525-64cf-405d-bd9c-07a2ffbfc588Post:69e4f82b-dd3e-464d-ae44-cfa62c999dfc">Re: How to talk to FMIL without hurt feelings?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to How to talk to FMIL without hurt feelings? : Does the friend have someone who can watch the child while she's at the wedding or will she not be able (or want) to attend if she can't bring him? <strong> If FMIL is offering to pay for him, I don't know why you are still upset.</strong> At the end of the day even though you think he shouldn't be getting "special treatment" he is a special needs child so you can't really apply the same rules you are applying to your cousins.  I wouldn't say brideszilla, but I think it's very inconsiderate if the friend doesn't want to leave the child of have anyone who will watch him.  Have you asked FMIL if there was any reason the chid needed to be invited? ETA:I guess it really depends on how much you want the friend there if childcare is the issue.
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]


Personally, I don't agree with this statement at all.  Op and her Fi and her parents have already put a good deal of money into this wedding to host FMILs other guests (along with their own).  The guest list is already tight.  Offering to pony up for this particular guest and NOT help with the general costs of the rest of the wedding is neither fair, nor right in my opinion.  I think FMIL is being childish and trying to force the couple to accommodate this child and I agree that your FI needs to gently remind his mother that no children are being invited to this wedding, even this particular child.   

Loopyseven

So you're not inviting the child's mother, but MIL wants to invite the special needs child?  Who will watch him?  Or does she want  you to add two people?  Either way, no children is no children and you are absolutely a-okay to tell her that you've talked about it but you are standing firm on your no children stance.  As you said it's not fair to the family who were not invited to bring their children if your MIL is allowed to bring this random kid (he's random to you...)

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-talk-to-fmil-without-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cddab525-64cf-405d-bd9c-07a2ffbfc588Post:518ea946-6f5b-4898-ad7e-63f7974e8e1d">Re: How to talk to FMIL without hurt feelings?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to talk to FMIL without hurt feelings? : Personally, I don't agree with this statement at all.  Op and her Fi and her parents have already put a good deal of money into this wedding to host FMILs other guests (along with their own).  The guest list is already tight.  Offering to pony up for this particular guest and NOT help with the general costs of the rest of the wedding is neither fair, nor right in my opinion.  I think FMIL is being childish and trying to force the couple to accommodate this child and I agree that your FI needs to gently remind his mother that no children are being invited to this wedding, even this particular child.   
Posted by cbvcru67[/QUOTE]
Because she said that she wasn't inviting him due to budget contraints. If FMIL was paying-that eliminates the budget constraint. <div>However, now that I realize my reading fail. I completely changed my opinion.</div>

LauraChristin

I think for them to attend FMIL needs to pay for both the mother and the son to attend. If you had to cut your cousins due to budget reasons and not space reasons I don't think it's relevant. It's not like FMIL is going to pay for two of your cousins to attend if this mom and son don't attend, right? So it's not like the mother and son are taking spots from your cousins. I would leave the cousins argument out of it when you discuss with FMIL.  With all that said, I assume you are having a child-free wedding for a reason and if you'd like to stick with that you are welcome to of course. Be prepared that FMIL may be upset about it.

Sidenote: If you go the route of allowing them to attend, I don't think your guests who couldn't bring their children would be upset to see this child there. It would be clear to me that there was a special circumstance.

cbvcru67

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-talk-to-fmil-without-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cddab525-64cf-405d-bd9c-07a2ffbfc588Post:9d1af4b3-295f-45f2-a691-3af832952e36">Re: How to talk to FMIL without hurt feelings?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to talk to FMIL without hurt feelings? : Because she said that she wasn't inviting him due to budget contraints. If FMIL was paying-that eliminates the budget constraint.  However, now that I realize my reading fail. I completely changed my opinion.
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

I get what you're saying - the addition of extra money should relieve the budget constraint.  I personally don't really agree with letting his mother invite above and beyond what she was allotted because now she wants to pay. I think she can contribute to the whole, or not contribute.  I'm not trying to argue with you, I just personally don't feel that way.

You see a lot of posts on these boards about people who aren't contributing to the wedding being allowed to invite X number of guests, and then at that point, they offer to contribute their own money to invite more of their own guests.  I feel like if the OP and her FI and her parents are covering the wedding, what has been offered should be good enough.  It doesn't seem right to me for a set of parents to contribute money for their own guests ONLY when the inlaws and the B+G  are covering everyone's guests.  Am I explaining that clearly?  I feel like I might be talking in circles.    It's like, what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine at the same time.

ETA: Obviously if the child's mother isn't invited, this is a non-issue.  Don't invite the child. 

LesaAdams

Oh man what a nighmare. 

I would gently but clearly set boundaries with her now. 

It is your wedding. You are not having children present and that is that. 

I can't believe she would even consider doing this to you! But you should let her know that you would not to hurt your other youngsters by not letting them attend while he does. Sheeesh-I feel for ya girl. Sticky situation.

divinemsbee

Yeah, I've heard the advice on here before that if you're not having kids you don't have to justify that decision, and I think this is a perfect example. If you start justifying it with things like "we're trying to trim the budget" it gets in people's heads that they can just pay to get what they want. I think if you don't want kids, and you're a little worried about the behavior of this kid in these social circumstances, then you just blanket-ly say "no kids." You don't need a reason for anyone who hasn't contributed to the whole of the wedding. I realize this response it getting terribly close to "it's your day" and I'm normally very against that line of thinking, but, well, it's your money and your guestlist. I realize saying "we're not having kids as guests, end of story" could make one sound a little mean, but parents, even parents of special needs children, even parents with children that exclusively breasteed, know that they are adults and their children are children, and there are going to be places where children aren't welcome or can't be accommodated. 

meganb1977

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-talk-to-fmil-without-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cddab525-64cf-405d-bd9c-07a2ffbfc588Post:538e4936-ad2a-47b4-bef0-542728d2391b">Re: How to talk to FMIL without hurt feelings?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I've heard the advice on here before that if you're not having kids you don't have to justify that decision, and I think this is a perfect example. <strong>If you start justifying it with things like "we're trying to trim the budget" it gets in people's heads that they can just pay to get what they want.</strong> I think if you don't want kids, and you're a little worried about the behavior of this kid in these social circumstances, then you just blanket-ly say "no kids." You don't need a reason for anyone who hasn't contributed to the whole of the wedding. I realize this response it getting terribly close to "it's your day" and I'm normally very against that line of thinking, but, well, it's your money and your guestlist. I realize saying "we're not having kids as guests, end of story" could make one sound a little mean, but parents, even parents of special needs children, even parents with children that exclusively breasteed, know that they are adults and their children are children, and there are going to be places where children aren't welcome or can't be accommodated. 
Posted by divinemsbee[/QUOTE]

Ditto this. You and your fiance should present a united front to gently remind his mother that although you understand how close she is with the boy and appreciate that she offered assistance, you are not planning to invite any children -- at least, not outside the wedding party, which you have already chosen.  And it wouldn't be right to make any exceptions.  Good luck and I'm sure it will blow over once you clear this up with her.

FutureMrsPaulG

If you are not inviting the child's mother, then the child should not be invited, even if FMIL has "adopted" him as you mentioned.  It seems rude to only include a child but not the mother.  Would his mom even be comfortable letting him attend a wedding without her?  I sure wouldn't want my 8 year at a wedding without me irregardless if he was special needs or not.

Graciously thank your FMIL for her offer but again tell her that you are only having kids that are in the wedding party.  Get your FI to back you up and try to stand firm.  So sorry you have to deal with such an uncomfortable situation.  

StephanieM22

You are not being bridezilla ish. You and your FI need to sit down with his mother and explain that the only kids invited are in the wedding party. Stress that those kids have been picked if you think she would try putting him in the wedding party. Your FI needs to back you up in this though so it looks like a joint decision not just yours.