Bride believes reception = fancy drunk fest???

mandi195

Ok, not so much etiquette, but I don't know if I'm nuts or not. The bride in this situation, who is marrying my brother, has little intention on her wedding day to do anything other than get married, eat, and get sh!tfaced drunk. Am I way out of line for reminding her that she may not want to get wasted, since she a) will want to remember the day, b) probably doesn't want the entire family to see her drunk c) it's not a kegger...
Example, I asked her why she wanted to be smashed on the night of her wedding, and she responded "Because it's a party? And I'm 25. That's what we do?"
Am I way out of line, or old (I'm only 29!), or boring for thinking this is totally immature and ridiculous. I understand wanting to have a blast with your friends/family, but setting out to get wasted intentionally sounds pathetic to me... thoughts?

StephBeanWed61502

For some people in some circles, a wedding does indeed equal a "fancy drunk fest." Unless you somehow happen to be the legal guardian of the bride, I am afraid you have less than zero say in what she does or doesn't drink at her own wedding. She gets to choose when and where to be shitfaced, and I am completely certain that you will get nowhere fast by sharing your thoughts on this subject. She is an adult woman who is marrying your brother, not some naughty child in need of a scolding from her older, "wiser" sister in law. You don't have to agree with her, approve of her, or even like her, but if you want to have a decent relationship with her and your brother, you do need to keep your thoughts to yourself. ETA: I am with you in that I, personally, also would not want to be wasted at my wedding. That said, I don't think my drinking habits are anyone else's business, and I don't try to make anyone else's habits my business, KWIM?

SJM7538

What does your brother think of this and why is he not the one discussing this with her?

yoshijo

It's her choice not yours. It is nice of you to want her to have a great wedding and remember her day but she is an adult and can make her own choices.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to Re:Bride believes reception fancy drunk fest???:[QUOTE]What does your brother think of this and why is he not the one discussing this with her? Posted by SJM7538[/QUOTE]

This is irrelevant. The OP has NO BUSINESS asking her brother about this because she has no business sticking her nose into her brother's relationship.

mandi195

For the record, I'm not scolding her, telling her not to, etc... I was just curious if anyone else thinks it's odd/immature/strange to set out with the intent to get "smashed" as she put it, on your wedding day. Maybe it's just me, but I don't enjoy being that kind of drunk, especially in front of my family!

Steph, I'm not worried about what may/may not happen if I were to say anything. My brother and I are literally best friends, and I know me speaking my mind would never cause a rift there. Also, I love his soon-to-be wife to pieces, I was just very shocked by the "LET'S GET WASTED!!" mentality.

SJM, I'm sure he isn't aware as of yet. While they're young and do go out, drink, and have fun; he would be very upset if she was "smashed" in front of our grandparents, etc. I'm sure if/when he realizes her intent, there will be a conversation about it; one which I will NOT be a part of by any means.

mandi195

And also, I would argue that I do have some wiggle room on whether or not it is my business, if my brother would be hurt/upset/embarrassed by such behavior... if it were me I'd want to know before catastrophy struck...

crash2729

I got pretty toasted at my wedding. However, I didn't go in thinking I was going to get shiiiiit-faced either. It was my choice, just like it's your FSIL's choice. It's really not your business to be telling her how much she should drink or why she should or shouldn't drink.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bride-believes-reception-fancy-drunk-fest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7a63c1-6f59-43e2-856f-7eb76aa0240aPost:cba0b1c6-af00-4dd0-8cd8-6f6d24a5126f">Re: Bride believes reception = fancy drunk fest???</a>:
[QUOTE]And also, I would argue that I do have some wiggle room on whether or not it is my business, if my brother would be hurt/upset/embarrassed by such behavior... if it were me I'd want to know before catastrophy struck...
Posted by mandi195[/QUOTE]

Do you think your brother and her haven't talked about it? I would find that hard to believe...and no..still not your business.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bride-believes-reception-fancy-drunk-fest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7a63c1-6f59-43e2-856f-7eb76aa0240aPost:cba0b1c6-af00-4dd0-8cd8-6f6d24a5126f">Re: Bride believes reception = fancy drunk fest???</a>:
[QUOTE]And also, I would argue that I do have some wiggle room on whether or not it is my business, if my brother would be hurt/upset/embarrassed by such behavior... if it were me I'd want to know before catastrophy struck...
Posted by mandi195[/QUOTE]

I don't think you have any wiggle room at all. If your brother is such a delicate little flower who needs his sister to protect him from all the harsh realities of the world, he has no business getting married. Presumably he's met his FI before and knows what she's like. He knows what he's signing up for.

mandi195

I agree I shouldn't tell her how much/what/when to drink; which is why I'm not. I simply asked her why she wanted to be smashed, and the response was basically "isn't that what people my age do when they go out?"
Maybe I'm different. I had a child already by that age, and never was the type to go out with the intent of getting wasted. Like I said in the OP, I only asked her why she wanted to get wasted... I never told her not to, or what to do. I was just shocked that anyone would intend in advance to get so drunk they can't see straight... especially at their wedding. I have no intention of scolding her/telling her what to do, as some have assumed in their responses.

mandi195

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bride-believes-reception-fancy-drunk-fest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7a63c1-6f59-43e2-856f-7eb76aa0240aPost:ccf4d899-1f9d-473a-85f2-92ffac196722">Re: Bride believes reception = fancy drunk fest???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bride believes reception = fancy drunk fest??? : I don't think you have any wiggle room at all. If your brother is such a delicate little flower who needs his sister to protect him from all the harsh realities of the world, he has no business getting married. Presumably he's met his FI before and knows what she's like. He knows what he's signing up for.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

True. And I've "met his FI before", knowing her for 5 years, being by her side as a close friend while he (my brother) was deployed overseas, and going out with them a handful of times/year know her pretty well... Since they are planning an extremely elegant, very expensive, classy wedding and reception, I was shocked that she'd go from that to "LETS GET SHITFACED!" and again, I have no intention of telling her what to do, I was simply asking, if you'd read again, if I was out of line for THINKING that was nuts?

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to Re:Bride believes reception fancy drunk fest???:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bride believes reception fancy drunk fest???:And also, I would argue that I do have some wiggle room on whether or not it is my business, if my brother would be hurt/upset/embarrassed by such behavior... if it were me I'd want to know before catastrophy struck...Posted by mandi195Do you think your brother and her haven't talked about it? I would find that hard to believe...and no..still not your business. Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

I totally agree with Crash.

I have a younger brother too. We are great friends. That doesn't make his girlfriend's drinking habits my business, it just doesn't. Your brother's bride's behavior at their wedding has NOTHING to do with you. Seriously. Not a single thing. If you can't see that, then I think you are probably overly involved in your brother's life in an unhealthy way.

And I am sorry, but you are completely delusional if you think that tattling on her to your brother about her intention to drink at their wedding won't impact your relationship with you FSIL and your brother. It will.

NOLAbridealmost

I am fairly confident that every single person at my wedding reception, myself included, got pretty smashed.

That said, no one was sloppy (passing out, falling over, throwing up, etc.).  I'd find that pretty ridiculous.

mandi195

Who said anything about tattling... I stated numerous times I have ZERO intent of saying anything to her/them about this, however it wouldn't be totally out of line for me to mention to m brother, who has worked his ass off to plan/pay for this wedding, that she plans to be smashed in front of his family, coworkers, etc. I know my brother, and I know he would NOT be ok with this. However, again, not going to say anything. I really wish somone, anyone, could have answered the original question... egads.

StephBeanWed61502

Also, you didn't just ask if you were out of line for thinking the bride is "nuts," you also asked if it would be out of line for you to "remind her" of all of the reasons you have concluded she shouldn't get drunk at her own wedding. We are telling you, unequivocally, that it WOULD be out of line for you to talk to her about this. If that's not what you want to hear, don't ask the question in the first place.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bride-believes-reception-fancy-drunk-fest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7a63c1-6f59-43e2-856f-7eb76aa0240aPost:6b422163-662e-4c94-b1af-88d1948fb7fe">Re:Bride believes reception fancy drunk fest???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Bride believes reception fancy drunk fest???: I totally agree with Crash. I have a younger brother too. We are great friends. That doesn't make his girlfriend's drinking habits my business, it just doesn't. Your brother's bride's behavior at their wedding has NOTHING to do with you. Seriously. Not a single thing. If you can't see that, then I think you are probably overly involved in your brother's life in an unhealthy way. And I am sorry, but you are completely delusional if you think that tattling on her to your brother about her intention to drink at their wedding won't impact your relationship with you FSIL and your brother. It will.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

Exactly.
You can have your opinions, do I think it's weird to get so drunk you are falling down at your wedding? Yes.
Would I EVER say anything to anyone (regardless of relation) who wanted to? Not a chance in helll.

mandi195

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bride-believes-reception-fancy-drunk-fest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7a63c1-6f59-43e2-856f-7eb76aa0240aPost:e096e6fc-506f-4423-810b-b736274ed422">Re: Bride believes reception = fancy drunk fest???</a>:
[QUOTE]I am fairly confident that every single person at my wedding reception, myself included, got pretty smashed. =) That said, no one was sloppy (passing out, falling over, throwing up, etc.).  I'd find that pretty ridiculous.
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the response. I'm all for drinking and having a good time if one desires, but that second part, about falling over, etc... THAT is the type of drunk she is WANTING to achieve, on purpose, and thinks it's cute/funny/normal. I just wanted to know if I was a jerk for thinking (not saying anything to her) that that is crazy/immature/pathetic...?

mandi195

Steph - Calm down. it's not a matter of what I want to hear or don't want to hear... I get that it would be out of line to say something, I should have worded it "am I out of line for WANTING to remind her..." As I said, likely a dozen times now, I have no intention to say anything. I was, AGAIN, asking if anyone else finds it "nuts" that this is something one would do on purpose, especially on their wedding day. We're talking falling over, tripping over ourselves, knocking over tables, drunk...
Crash - I agree with your last post 100%, and that's exactly where I'm at in this... I think it's crazy, but am not going to say anything.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to Re:Bride believes reception fancy drunk fest???:[QUOTE]Steph Calm down. it's not a matter of what I want to hear or don't want to hear... I get that it would be out of line to say something, I should have worded it "am I out of line for WANTING to remind her..." As I said, likely a dozen times now, I have no intention to say anything. I was, AGAIN, asking if anyone else finds it "nuts" that this is something one would do on purpose, especially on their wedding day. We're talking falling over, tripping over ourselves, knocking over tables, drunk... Crash I agree with your last post 100, and that's exactly where I'm at in this... I think it's crazy, but am not going to say anything. Posted by mandi195[/QUOTE]

Don't worry sweetheart, I am calm. I just hate when people ask questions and then throw shitfits when we answer them. You may not have intended to ask the question that you ended up asking, but its incredibly unfair of you to get pissy at us because you didn't communicate what you were thinking correctly.

And one other thing. Are you absolutely sure that by "smashed" she means sloppy, falling down drunk? My friends and I use smashed interchangeably with drunk, and it doesn't necessarily mean wasted, blackout drunk when we say it. I am wondering if this whole issue is really just a communication error.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bride-believes-reception-fancy-drunk-fest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7a63c1-6f59-43e2-856f-7eb76aa0240aPost:37065944-771d-4a21-8877-ef35174eaf3e">Bride believes reception = fancy drunk fest???</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, not so much etiquette, but I don't know if I'm nuts or not. The bride in this situation, who is marrying my brother, has little intention on her wedding day to do anything other than get married, eat, and get sh!tfaced drunk. <strong>Am I way out of line for reminding her that she may not want to get wasted, since she a) will want to remember the day, b) probably doesn't want the entire family to see her drunk c) it's not a kegger...</strong> <strong>Example, I asked her why she wanted to be smashed on the night of her wedding, and she responded "Because it's a party? And I'm 25. That's what we do?"</strong> Am I way out of line, or old (I'm only 29!), or boring for thinking this is totally immature and ridiculous. I understand wanting to have a blast with your friends/family, but setting out to get wasted intentionally sounds pathetic to me... thoughts?
Posted by mandi195[/QUOTE]

Is this your definition of not wanting to say anything...or..not saying anything?

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to Re:Bride believes reception fancy drunk fest???:[QUOTE]In Response to Bride believes reception fancy drunk fest???:Ok, not so much etiquette, but I don't know if I'm nuts or not. The bride in this situation, who is marrying my brother, has little intention on her wedding day to do anything other than get married, eat, and get sh!tfaced drunk. Am I way out of line for reminding her that she may not want to get wasted, since she a will want to remember the day, b probably doesn't want the entire family to see her drunk c it's not a kegger... Example, I asked her why she wanted to be smashed on the night of her wedding, and she responded "Because it's a party? And I'm 25. That's what we do?" Am I way out of line, or old I'm only 29!, or boring for thinking this is totally immature and ridiculous. I understand wanting to have a blast with your friends/family, but setting out to get wasted intentionally sounds pathetic to me... thoughts?Posted by mandi195Is this your definition of not wanting to say anything...or..not saying anything? Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

Color me Team Crash today.

Also, what is with the backpedaling around here lately? The newb in "the dirty hipsters sent me a lame thank you note" thread pulled the same "that's NOT what I ASKED, of COURSE I know not to be an interfering wench even though my OP made it sound like I was asking if it was okay to be an interfering wench" nonsense.

mandi195

When it came up, I asked, while laughing, why she wanted to get smashed... she answerd as stated above, and I said, "well, alright then!" and that was the end of the conversation.
Steph - I'm not pissy, or backpedling. And yes, by smashed she fully meant fall over drunk... at least, that's what I interpreted when she said "If I haven't fallen down and ruined my dress by 10:30, something's wrong, and you need to get me more shots." So, you're right, maybe I'm reading too much into it and she just meant she wanted to drink and have a good time, without all of that "sloppy" nonsense.

Look, I get what you ladies are saying, and the thing that makes me laugh sitting here is I agree with you. If my OP made it sound like I was going to run out and b!tch at her, or whine to my brother, or whatever, then that's on me for having piss poor communication when typing on here. My bad. However, since I did clarify that I have no intention of saying anything, can we at least all agree that intentionall fall on your face drunk is never classy, regardless of who/where you are?

MegenQ

As much as I would like to get drunk and forget all the madness that the wedding has created, I do still want to remember the wedding. Ultimately you have no say in what she does on her wedding day. But look at it this way, if she does get completely sh*t faced it would be a good story to tell. I know that my family still talks about the cousin who got drunk. She was suppose to be taking pictures, but they were really hitting every bar in town ( little town in Wisconsin so that would be close to 5 bars) and then they came back to the reception. The Groom was past out in the limo and the bride had thrown up on her dress. Both were dragged into the reception and spent the whole time in the bridal suite. Neither of them can remember the wedding, much less the reception. But I guess a wedding that you can't remember is even better when they got divorced.

mandi195

Thank you Stage. That is exactly what I was asking, and I apprecaite the simple, honest answer.
Megen - We're a Wisconsin bunch, too, so I understand the intense drinking in these parts. Thanks for the good story!

mandi195

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bride-believes-reception-fancy-drunk-fest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7a63c1-6f59-43e2-856f-7eb76aa0240aPost:420314c4-e4ec-44aa-a2a7-99a84e6c7a33">Re: Bride believes reception = fancy drunk fest???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bride believes reception = fancy drunk fest??? : Same.  Hell, my own mom started drinking lemondrop martinis as soon as the cocktail hour started.  One guy had to be helped to his car (not driving) after taking a nap on the bar. OP sounds very judgmental.  Being a parent doesn't make you automatically 'mature,' btw.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

I never said being a parent makes one automatically mature, btw. Judgmental? Hi pot! I'm kettle! Nice to meet you! :)
I only mentioned being a parent at that age to show that I was in a different phase of my life, so therefore, didn't know if it was "normal" for people that age to have that mentality, as I had children younger than that age. egads.

StephBeanWed61502

This comment is admittedly unnecessary but Mandi, the continued use of "egads" is making me a wee bit crazy. Are you trying to be British, or just pretentious?

mandi195

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bride-believes-reception-fancy-drunk-fest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7a63c1-6f59-43e2-856f-7eb76aa0240aPost:047397b1-29ca-4d71-8b7c-fcedb5624300">Re: Bride believes reception = fancy drunk fest???</a>:
[QUOTE]Exactly, different people have different priorities in their lives, regardless of age.  She doesn't have the responsibility of being a parent and wants to party.  Who cares?  It's none of your business.  Why you would even consider  saying anything to your brother is beyond me.  How would that go? You: Hi brother, did you know that your FI is planning on getting smashed and probably embarrassing you?  You might want to tell her not to do that. How in the hell is your brother supposed to respond to that?  Other than to tell you to mind your own business?
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]
I never considered saying anything to my brother about this.. read the thread please.

mandi195

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bride-believes-reception-fancy-drunk-fest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7a63c1-6f59-43e2-856f-7eb76aa0240aPost:b7bed3ad-470a-4512-a499-3059d9043ed7">Re:Bride believes reception fancy drunk fest???</a>:
[QUOTE]This comment is admittedly unnecessary but Mandi, the continued use of "egads" is making me a wee bit crazy. Are you trying to be British, or just pretentious?
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

Sorry. "egads" became a replacement at the office for curse words. It kind of stuck, and comes out often when I'm frustrated or having a smh moment.

StephBeanWed61502

Egad! If you never even considered it, why did you feel the need to defend your "right" to do it when it was brought up by going on about how he's your "best friend" and "has a right to know"?

mandi195

Wasn't defending my "right" to do anything. Was, however (right, wrong, or indifferent) stating that if it were my wedding and my FI planned on acting like an asshat, I'd want to know. That's all.