Can we break etiquette on this?

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-break-etiquette-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda26097-3e0a-4986-84fd-5ca8aa29d7d5Post:ef61d369-a961-420d-9409-aa3e5e25a16c">Re: Can we break etiquette on this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can we break etiquette on this? : Just to clear things up - we never abused the dog and never will.  The dog is treated very well, has a bed in every room, sleeps in our room at night, gets treats, gets pets and head-rubs, and is getting better at going outside by himself for longer periods of time.  It USE to be abused and lived in many different homes before FI adopted it, which is why it is untrainable.  He's about 7 years old. But it has taken up my life and I can't wait until he's gone.  Until then, I'm nice to it.  He's curled up next to me right now and I'm petting his head when i'm not typing. So I'm not abusing the dog, I just wish him gone.
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]

Oh, thanks for the clarification. You don't abuse your dog, you just wish it dead. Thanks for clearing that up for us.

My advice still stands. Just invite the 20 year old GF, say thanks for coming and move on with your life.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Can you? Not really. Can you ask about his intentioned to bring her and infer it might be uncomfortable for all involved? Sure.

Come on, you should know by now that we never say "SURE special snowflake! In your super unique circumstances, do what you want!"

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Your FI sounds like a peach on so many levels.

Simply Fated

All drama aside...

Your fiance wants this guy there, right? If you don't invite him with his girlfriend, he might turn down the invitation. So if you don't invite the girl, your fiance doesn't get his friend there.

So far the only reason you've given for not inviting this girl is her age and as long as it's legal, it's none of your business.

Rosie109

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-break-etiquette-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda26097-3e0a-4986-84fd-5ca8aa29d7d5Post:19641312-f068-4b53-b72a-906489bac2f2">Re: Can we break etiquette on this?</a>:
[QUOTE]All drama aside... Your fiance wants this guy there, right? If you don't invite him with his girlfriend, he might turn down the invitation. So if you don't invite the girl, your fiance doesn't get his friend there. So far the only reason you've given for not inviting this girl is her age and as long as it's legal, <strong>it's none of your business.</strong>
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes.</div>

doctabroccoli

*Peeks in*

There is waaaaaaaaay too much drama with this girl.

*Ducks back out*

mahoganieyes

I like the 21 and up statement!

Pesapenny

This is an easy answer- give him a plus one, and be a big girl about who he chooses to bring, and just deal with it.

I think people are having a hard time empathizing with you because you appear to have no empathy, and are selfish, or at least that is the image you present to this board.

M&R7111

I know it's none of my business who he dates - and again - I don't care if she comes.

But FI won't back down on sending the invite w/o her on it or a plus one.

He's part of the wedding planning too - so I'm looking for advice on how to go about this since I'm not the only one sending out invites.

And telling FI "But it says on TK..." won't work

Meg1979

Then don't do it.  If you FI is freaking out about it, don't invite her.  It's not appropriate or mature, but it seems like you are leaning one way about it.  I don't know that we are going to be able to convince you otherwise.

krayzeechick05

Why don't he just call him (sinces he's part of the wedding planning too, he can man up to this) and explain that he does not want her there because he wants a drama free day.  Explain he wants everyone to be comfortable and he feels it would be to awkward for both the new gf and aunt (along with children) to be at the same event.  But! What you do for one you must do for the other, his aunt shouldn't be allowed to bring anyone either.

aleighk1

You're really over thinking this. If neither of you wants her there, don't invite her.

aurianna

You gotta tell him what a wedding reception is: It's being the hosts of a party to thank those who came to your wedding.
As hosts you need to make your guests feel welcome.
If he is living with this girl, then they are somewhat serious so they are a social unit. Tell him it is incredibly rude to split up a social unit.
Pick a random couple on his side where he's really only friends with one of them and say, "Ok. If we're not inviting Miss Jailbait, then we aren't inviting Mrs. Random either." Immediately follow up with a "you can't do that. If he is to be one our guests, than we are to be proper hosts and invite his whole social unit. If you are not prepared to be a good host to him, then we can't invite him either."

He could argue that having the 20 year old there might make the ex-wife feel unwelcome, but I'm hoping adults can act like adults. Whether Miss Jailbait is there or not, it doesn't change the fact that this guy is dating her. So she might as well come to the wedding. Living in denial isn't going to help.
If the divorce was as peaceful as you initially posted, she'll get over it. Seat them as far apart as you can and hope for the best.

mkrupar

I also kind of don't think it's fair you're going to let Aunt bring her SO, but won't let Unclue bring his SO just because she's a 19/20 year old girl. If that's not judgy, I don't know what is.

If you're not going to invite her I think it's on your FI to explain to his Uncle why.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-break-etiquette-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda26097-3e0a-4986-84fd-5ca8aa29d7d5Post:7e74fac5-00b3-4478-95c4-87c60b42cc56">Re: Can we break etiquette on this?</a>:
[QUOTE]I know it's none of my business who he dates - and again - I don't care if she comes. But FI won't back down on sending the invite w/o her on it or a plus one. He's part of the wedding planning too - so I'm looking for advice on how to go about this since I'm not the only one sending out invites. <strong>And telling FI "But it says on TK..." won't work</strong>
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]


"Etiquette and common courtesy dictate..." Ask him how he would feel if he wasn't invited to your cousin's wedding.

Birdie1483

So your FI's poor dog has been through multiple homes, some abusive, and now he has problems. And you can't wait to get rid of him? That's like telling a foster child "I'm sorry your parents were crack addicts and molested you and you jumped around from dysfucntional home to dysfunctional home, but you're not my ideal blue eyed blonde haired child so I can't wait until you're gone."

As for your OP, I don't care. No matter what you do, it'll probably be a bad decision.

mkrupar

Thanks Salt. I knew there was a definition in there somewhere. :-)

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-break-etiquette-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda26097-3e0a-4986-84fd-5ca8aa29d7d5Post:ba4a7f7d-c0b3-4624-b0b2-1a0f2031a2be">Re: Can we break etiquette on this?</a>:
[QUOTE]::pees all over this thread::
Posted by mandysmear[/QUOTE]

OK, that made me laugh. That's all I thought when I saw this thread.

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-break-etiquette-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda26097-3e0a-4986-84fd-5ca8aa29d7d5Post:09f304c6-8fb0-4258-8a96-2845b2a5b394">Re: Can we break etiquette on this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks Salt. I knew there was a definition in there somewhere. :-)
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

By the way, if I seemed short in my response, it wasn't directed at you. It was directed at the girl who called her jailbait. And really in general, I'm just kind of pissed off that the OP is back in the first place.  :)

aurianna

I was using nicknames to be cute. Didn't know diction was on trial here too. :P

And for the record, I love my own dog, but if I just inherited someone else's dog, and that dog, who I didn't have a bond of any sort with, peed everywhere and ruined all my stuff, I know I'd be pretty ticked and wouldn't want it around either. Of course she doesn't want her fiance to be sad when the dog finally does die/run away. But she can hardly be blamed for not liking this dog.

If she pets it, doesn't abuse it, tolerates it and doesn't force her FI to get rid of it with some sort of ultimatum, I'm not sure what the problem is. She's crazy because she doesn't like a destructive animal? I didn't read that entire thread (maybe I will later if I get time). But it just seems like everyone is being pretty brutal.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-break-etiquette-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda26097-3e0a-4986-84fd-5ca8aa29d7d5Post:524adcb7-6732-4caa-be1e-d29ba997fc37">Re: Can we break etiquette on this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can we break etiquette on this? : By the way, if I seemed short in my response, it wasn't directed at you. It was directed at the girl who called her jailbait. And really in general, I'm just kind of pissed off that the OP is back in the first place.  :)
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

Oh I totally know it wasn't directed at me. I'm kind of pissed she's back too. And I was trying to point out to Aurianna that her definition of jailbait was flawed, but you did it in a much more succinct way.

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-break-etiquette-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda26097-3e0a-4986-84fd-5ca8aa29d7d5Post:bca63ef5-69ed-4a2c-876d-a7cad7a526f8">Re: Can we break etiquette on this?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was using nicknames to be cute. Didn't know diction was on trial here too. :P And for the record, I love my own dog, but if I just inherited someone else's dog, and that dog, who I didn't have a bond of any sort with, peed everywhere and ruined all my stuff, I know I'd be pretty ticked and wouldn't want it around either. Of course she doesn't want her fiance to be sad when the dog finally does die/run away. But she can hardly be blamed for not liking this dog. If she pets it, doesn't abuse it, tolerates it and doesn't force her FI to get rid of it with some sort of ultimatum, I'm not sure what the problem is. She's crazy because she doesn't like a destructive animal? I didn't read that entire thread (maybe I will later if I get time). But it just seems like everyone is being pretty brutal.
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

It's one thing to not like a destructive animal. It's quite enough to post about how you wish it would get a disease and die so that you don't have to deal with it anymore.

In other words...yeah you have no idea what is actually going on here.

kellyjellybelly

No she's crazy because she wants a living thing to die.  So her life will be easier.  I'm sure there are plenty of people who don't care for their SO's pets.  Heck, my H can't stand one of our cats.  But he would never want it to get a disease and die.  

And yeah, maybe you want to actually know what you're talking about before you go off on everyone.  It's not like 1 person came to this conclusion.

Birdie1483

Aurianna, people seem "brutal" to you because you didn't read the entire thread. I would stop commenting on stuff you don't know what you're talking about.

shortee426

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-break-etiquette-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda26097-3e0a-4986-84fd-5ca8aa29d7d5Post:bca63ef5-69ed-4a2c-876d-a7cad7a526f8">Re: Can we break etiquette on this?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was using nicknames to be cute. Didn't know diction was on trial here too. :P And for the record, I love my own dog, but if I just inherited someone else's dog, and that dog, who I didn't have a bond of any sort with, peed everywhere and ruined all my stuff, I know I'd be pretty ticked and wouldn't want it around either. Of course she doesn't want her fiance to be sad when the dog finally does die/run away. But she can hardly be blamed for not liking this dog. If she pets it, doesn't abuse it, tolerates it and doesn't force her FI to get rid of it with some sort of ultimatum, I'm not sure what the problem is. She's crazy because she doesn't like a destructive animal? I didn't read that entire thread (maybe I will later if I get time). But it just seems like everyone is being pretty brutal.
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

Or you know, she could try training the dog.  Believe it or not, it IS possible even though the dog is 7.  Will it take some work?  Yes.  But isn't that part of being a dog owner?

BTW, when I first got my dog he peed all over my apartment.  I didn't wish him dead.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-break-etiquette-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda26097-3e0a-4986-84fd-5ca8aa29d7d5Post:bca63ef5-69ed-4a2c-876d-a7cad7a526f8">Re: Can we break etiquette on this?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was using nicknames to be cute. Didn't know diction was on trial here too. :P And for the record, I love my own dog, but if I just inherited someone else's dog, and that dog, who I didn't have a bond of any sort with, peed everywhere and ruined all my stuff, I know I'd be pretty ticked and wouldn't want it around either. Of course she doesn't want her fiance to be sad when the dog finally does die/run away. But she can hardly be blamed for not liking this dog. If she pets it, doesn't abuse it, tolerates it and doesn't force her FI to get rid of it with some sort of ultimatum, I'm not sure what the problem is. She's crazy because she doesn't like a destructive animal? I didn't read that entire thread (maybe I will later if I get time). But it just seems like everyone is being pretty brutal.
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

If you haven't read the whole thread, why comment on it? In my book wishing someone else's dog was dead is pretty bad thinking. I get it, dogs pee in the house, they do it because they're sick, the do it because they're mad at you, they do it because they like it, and a whole lot of other reasons. That does not give someone the right to wish an animal dead.

When her FI rescued that dog it was his responsibility to train it and take care of it. And now that OP is living with him, it's her responsibility as well.

It's the same as if her FI had a child and she wished it dead because she didn't want to change it's dirty diapers anymore. She chooses to be with FI, dog and all.  (that example may be a bit extreme, if anyone has a better one, by all means).

Edited: typo

Birdie1483

My dog threw up on me in bed at 5:30am this past Sunday morning. I still love him like none other and let him back into bed after I changed the sheets.

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-break-etiquette-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda26097-3e0a-4986-84fd-5ca8aa29d7d5Post:24465d49-0484-453e-83b5-d9337ee81256">Re: Can we break etiquette on this?</a>:
[QUOTE]I still love him like none other and let him back into bed after I changed the sheets.
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

Of course you do! How could you not love that little sweetie in the Santa beard??

Seriously it breaks my heart to think of the OP sitting there petting (tolerating) the dog when she just really, really hates him so much and the dog thinks that she loves him.

ekelly83

Maybe the girlfriend would like to take care of the dog...That would solve both problems.

Sorry, just stepped into it all...I think you should let him bring the guest of his choice.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-break-etiquette-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda26097-3e0a-4986-84fd-5ca8aa29d7d5Post:36f2a510-d173-4cd1-9ef2-26b0250f2066">Re: Can we break etiquette on this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can we break etiquette on this? : Of course you do! How could you not love that little sweetie in the Santa beard?? Seriously it breaks my heart to think of the OP sitting there petting (tolerating) the dog when she just really, really hates him so much and the dog thinks that she loves him.
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

This. Just because OP is sitting there petting the dog doesn't make her a good person. We all know deep down she wishes the dog were dead.