Separate ceremony and reception guest lists

gurrlballa10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_separate-ceremony-and-reception-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e01d7af1-e598-4329-97f4-435c92ca3e04Post:da139854-9291-4860-af89-d888fe82e7fd">Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]I like the way you are doing your ceremony. To me the ceremony is the most important part of your wedding, and should be shared with those that you know will def. bless your union.   I say it’s your day do as yo wish.  Most guest would rather go straight to the party anyway. Also, what you are doing is nothing new, people go to the JOP every day and then throw a reception later.
Posted by Giamahogany[/QUOTE]


Oh goodie!  The ceremony is the most important part of the day.  Which means, if you tell 100 people that they weren't good enough to see the most important part, but here, bring us a gift and come party...well, then you're pretty rude.  And unless that JOP wedding is a truly private ceremony, then the people who do it, are being rude too. 

You should probably lurk more...considering this is the Etiquette board and the whole "it's your day" doesn't exactly fly here.

LiLe422

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_separate-ceremony-and-reception-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e01d7af1-e598-4329-97f4-435c92ca3e04Post:da139854-9291-4860-af89-d888fe82e7fd">Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]I like the way you are doing your ceremony. To me the ceremony is the most important part of your wedding, and should be shared with those that you know will def. bless your union.   <strong>I say it’s your day do as yo wish.</strong>  Most guest would rather go straight to the party anyway. Also, what you are doing is nothing new, <strong>people go to the JOP every day and then throw a reception later.</strong>
Posted by Giamahogany[/QUOTE]

Bad bad bad advice.

But thats not what shes doing.  She is proposing a tiered reception.  Not a private JOP  ceremony followed by a party.

Calypso1977

i really dont get any of these posts.

the whole poitn of a wedding is the ceremony.  thats what makes you married.  that's what people want to see. 

sure, teh parties are great, but that isnt what its all about.

MoxieMickie

With this plan, you will likely spend a lot of time explaining to 100 people that they're not one of your 60 closest people, that your immediate family comprises 60 well, 40 but your aunts were more important than the other 100 and that your FI couldn't bear the thought of them watching him get married. Worse, you may get a lot of smiles as people fume behind your back. Personally, I would go for the 60 person reception. I would think that would be more comfortable for your FI than to have 160 people coming up to talk to him at the reception.

HockeyFan4

OP sit and talk with your FI.  My H was really nervous.  He is pretty shy and very private...but he knew I came from a big family and we had a lot of friends.  He voiced his concerns to me, but said he would do it anyway. Once we sat with our officiant and ran through the ceremony it was like a weight lifted off of him.  He realized that he wasn't going to have to do a bunch of public speaking, and that the ceremony was only going to be about 20-30 minutes.

[Deleted User]

I think the only time you can get away with just having immediate family at just the wedding & more people at the reception is if the ceremony is at a different location then the reception and the ceremony site won't accomodate the number of people you want to invite. If both are at the same location, then I think you almost have to invite everyone to both. I do understand where you're coming from but I read this somewhere, if your guest isn't important enough to you to invite them to the ceremony, why would you invite them to the reception?

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_separate-ceremony-and-reception-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e01d7af1-e598-4329-97f4-435c92ca3e04Post:4820bba7-76d5-45e3-abd5-1ddc332fbd2c">Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the only time you can get away with just having immediate family at just the wedding & more people at the reception is if <strong>the ceremony is at a different location then the reception and the ceremony site won't accomodate the number of people you want to invite.</strong> If both are at the same location, then I think you almost have to invite everyone to both. I do understand where you're coming from but I read this somewhere, <strong>if your guest isn't important enough to you to invite them to the ceremony, why would you invite them to the reception?
</strong>Posted by Erikan73[/QUOTE]

No, that is not the way you can get away with being rude.

A lot of brides do not get married where their reception is being held.  And if you have a guest list of 200 but the place that you want to get married only holds 50 you either cut your guest list for everything down to 50 or you find a different place to get married.

And to answer your last question...most likely to be gift grabby.

daubachsgirl23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_separate-ceremony-and-reception-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e01d7af1-e598-4329-97f4-435c92ca3e04Post:4820bba7-76d5-45e3-abd5-1ddc332fbd2c">Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the only time you can get away with just having immediate family at just the wedding & more people at the reception is if the ceremony is at a different location then the reception and the ceremony site won't accomodate the number of people you want to invite. If both are at the same location, then I think you almost have to invite everyone to both. I do understand where you're coming from but I read this somewhere, if your guest isn't important enough to you to invite them to the ceremony, why would you invite them to the reception?
Posted by Erikan73[/QUOTE]

No, this is not a situation in which you can "get away with" having a tiered reception.  Plenty of people have ceremonies and receptions at different places.  Your ceremony site must accomodate all of your guests, or you need to look for a different venue.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I would just have a wedding with those 60 people and maybe a handful of friends.

We had our ceremony in a chapel that could accomodate 140 people. We had 66 people there, plus us, the officiant, and the string trio. And the coordinator and assistants probably hanging out somewhere in the back as well. Honestly? Walking up the aisle and looking back at all the faces looking at me, it might as well have been 150 people. I don't know if it was all the people, or the size of the venue, or what. But even though 66 seem "small," it felt as big as any other traditional wedding! So if you really need to invite about 160 people, just do it. And perhaps get a therapist for your FI so he can work out his agoraphobia.

willywally5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_separate-ceremony-and-reception-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e01d7af1-e598-4329-97f4-435c92ca3e04Post:7e209ebb-658d-40cc-9e88-dd4dca946643">Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists : PPs have given great suggestions.  I just have to quibble with anyone's immediate family being 26 people.  I think people misunderstand what that word means - it's just your parents and siblings.  Possibly grandparents.  But it isn't 26 people.
Posted by amyb140[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>JUST siblings/SO's and our parents totaled 21 people at H & my wedding, without any of their kids (another 20.) And all of our grandparents were deceased. </div><div>
</div><div>OP, once you start with the aunts, etc. you really can't call it a 'private family' ceremony. If not keeping it truly immediate family makes you 'sad', then a private ceremony isn't for you. Either keep it to the 60 or invite everyone to the whole shebang.</div>

lauralaur

OP, H and I were invited to a wedding once of good friends of ours, however, we were not invited to the ceremony, only the reception. The ceremony was in up-state New York, only 20 or so people, and was followed by a small, formal reception. Then the reception we were invited to was a week later. I have to tell you, I was hurt. Especially since the bride made a comment to me about how they were so excited to/could not wait to celebrate with everyone. Well what the hell then? If it was so important to her to celebrate with us why couldn't we witness the actual event? Try as I might, I could not wrap my head around that. I was so excited that we were invited to another wedding the same day as the reception and could not attend.

LondonLisa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_separate-ceremony-and-reception-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e01d7af1-e598-4329-97f4-435c92ca3e04Post:3091ff4e-9cba-41cc-b2b2-cc1387a783e4">Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists : I didn't even make the cut for dinner!   I'm only invited to the "dance part" -- cocktails and possibly dessert, and dancing.   Apparently this is quite common in the UK (where I live, and where the couple and most of the guests are from), but I'm still pretty offended.  And?  There was a registry card with the invitation (and they got my husband's name wrong, and it's 3 weeks past the RSVP date).   So yeah, offended all around here.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

Hi,
I'm a longtime lurker, but I felt I had to post to this (hope you ladies and gents don't mind me jumping in!). I live in the UK too and this trend drives me up the wall! I've never had it happen to me, but I have been at weddings where this has occured. OP, Please don't do this. I know it must be hard when you have such a large family, but 60 people is a perfectly normal wedding. When I have seen it, it is terribly awkward and you can't help but feel for the people that walk in and realise that they are there 1/2 way through. Most look completely dejected, as if they weren't chosen as one of the popular kids in school.  I was always taught that you should treat a wedding as you would a hosted a dinner party in your house thanking your friends. You seem like a nice person, and you would never think to invite some people just for the dessert portion having hosted others for a full meal, would you? This is exactly the same.

Avion- I hate that the registry information is included in the invites, too! I have seen it a few times. I hope this trend hasn't jumped the pond over to the States/Canada, too! 

lcatterton

Clearly this sparks a large debate among you knotties.

I'll try to cover all the points that were made...

Firstly, I guess is the fact that we have a large immediate family. There's no getting around it. My fiance's immediate family consists of 2 remarried parents, 3 siblings, 2 of which have SO's, 4 nieces/nephews, 6 stepsiblings, 2 of which have SO's, 4 stepnieces/nephews and then my fiance. I have 4 people in my immediate family, myself included. So, based on a few suggestions I could have a "private" ceremony if we just included the immediate families... However, according to others 29 people is still too many..

Next, I have why my fiance wants a smaller ceremony and this is in fact due to his anxiety of being the center of attention. In my opinion, the reception and ceremony are a bit different. He is totally comfortable sitting in a room with a large number of people, eating, drinking, having fun. Yes, he will still get a lot of attention at the reception, however, having people come up and talk to him or having people watching him during the first dance, cake cutting, etc is a little different than being watched under complete silence recite his vows. At least, it's different to me and it's different to him. If you still think it's the same, I'm not going to change your mind.

We were originally going to do the parents/grandparents (46) as I said previously, but I decided I wanted more and fiance and I compromised... I don't think he'd be too thrilled if I asked to invite more people to the ceremony. I definitely don't think he'll want 160 there. However, I can't imagine not celebrating with many of these people and I know my mother (who is helping pay) feels the same way. So, for me 60 people for both is out of the question and yet for fiance 160 people for the ceremony is too many.

Oh, and to the poster who asked how I'd explain it... It's very easy. We had a "family only" ceremony. But, I'm sure there will be something "wrong" with this.

I could probably sway fiance to everyone come to both, but is that really how I want to start my marriage? Forcing my fiance to do something he is totally not comfortable with?

I guess due to the large number of people that we have in our family, we're not allowed to do what we want. But, it'd be acceptable if our total number of parents/gparents/siblings/aunts/uncles/cousins was 20? Am I right? So, if I were dealt a smaller family it'd be okay, but with the way my family is I can't have a family only ceremony. Doesn't seem quite fair.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_separate-ceremony-and-reception-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e01d7af1-e598-4329-97f4-435c92ca3e04Post:4638aca8-4922-44d6-8cbc-feb6752aade4">Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]Clearly this sparks a large debate among you knotties. I'll try to cover all the points that were made... Firstly, I guess is the fact that we have a large immediate family. There's no getting around it. My fiance's immediate family consists of 2 remarried parents, 3 siblings, 2 of which have SO's, 4 nieces/nephews, 6 stepsiblings, 2 of which have SO's, 4 stepnieces/nephews and then my fiance. I have 4 people in my immediate family, myself included. So, based on a few suggestions I could have a "private" ceremony if we just included the immediate families... However, according to others 29 people is still too many.. Next, I have why my fiance wants a smaller ceremony and this is in fact due to his anxiety of being the center of attention. In my opinion, the reception and ceremony are a bit different. He is totally comfortable sitting in a room with a large number of people, eating, drinking, having fun. Yes, he will still get a lot of attention at the reception, however, having people come up and talk to him or having people watching him during the first dance, cake cutting, etc is a little different than being watched under complete silence recite his vows. At least, it's different to me and it's different to him. If you still think it's the same, I'm not going to change your mind. We were originally going to do the parents/grandparents (46) as I said previously, but I decided I wanted more and fiance and I compromised... I don't think he'd be too thrilled if I asked to invite more people to the ceremony. I definitely don't think he'll want 160 there. However, I can't imagine not celebrating with many of these people and I know my mother (who is helping pay) feels the same way. So, for me 60 people for both is out of the question and yet for fiance 160 people for the ceremony is too many. Oh, and to the poster who asked how I'd explain it... It's very easy. We had a "family only" ceremony. But, I'm sure there will be something "wrong" with this. I could probably sway fiance to everyone come to both, but is that really how I want to start my marriage? Forcing my fiance to do something he is totally not comfortable with? I guess due to the large number of people that we have in our family, we're not allowed to do what we want. But, it'd be acceptable if our total number of parents/gparents/siblings/aunts/uncles/cousins was 20? Am I right? So, if I were dealt a smaller family it'd be okay, but with the way my family is I can't have a family only ceremony. Doesn't seem quite fair.
Posted by lcatterton[/QUOTE]

Don't listen to those who say that over 20 is too many to have at your ceremony.  As long as you keep it to the list you noted above then that is your immediate family and is perfectly fine to have all of them at your ceremony.  But that should really be it for what you want to do to be ok.

Have your intimate ceremony with your 29 immediate family members and then have your larger reception with all of your other family and friends.

Etiquette wise, what I stated above is perfectly acceptable.  Now whether or not some of your family or friends feel slighted by what you decided to do, that can't be controlled but the main thing is to keep your ceremony to your immediate family only by doing that then the rest of your guests will be more likely to understand your decision.

lcatterton

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_separate-ceremony-and-reception-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e01d7af1-e598-4329-97f4-435c92ca3e04Post:67fba9e1-7dff-4ef3-a412-7099abd2c5cf">Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists : Don't listen to those who say that over 20 is too many to have at your ceremony.  As long as you keep it to the list you noted above then that is your immediate family and is perfectly fine to have all of them at your ceremony.  But that should really be it for what you want to do to be ok. Have your intimate ceremony with your 29 immediate family members and then have your larger reception with all of your other family and friends. Etiquette wise, what I stated above is perfectly acceptable.  Now whether or not some of your family or friends feel slighted by what you decided to do, that can't be controlled but the main thing is to keep your ceremony to your immediate family only by doing that then the rest of your guests will be more likely to understand your decision.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

So, what you are saying is that I should have a ceremony where my fiance has his 25 family members there for him along with his 2 groomsmen and I get to have my 2bridesmaids and my 2 parents (my MOH is my sister, which is the only other immediate family member that I have). Wouldn't that be quite the bummer for me?

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_separate-ceremony-and-reception-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e01d7af1-e598-4329-97f4-435c92ca3e04Post:4638aca8-4922-44d6-8cbc-feb6752aade4">Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]Clearly this sparks a large debate among you knotties. I'll try to cover all the points that were made... Firstly, I guess is the fact that we have a large immediate family. There's no getting around it. My fiance's immediate family consists of 2 remarried parents, 3 siblings, 2 of which have SO's, 4 nieces/nephews, 6 stepsiblings, 2 of which have SO's, 4 stepnieces/nephews and then my fiance. I have 4 people in my immediate family, myself included. So, based on a few suggestions I could have a "private" ceremony if we just included the immediate families... However, according to others 29 people is still too many.. Next, I have why my fiance wants a smaller ceremony and this is in fact due to his anxiety of being the center of attention. In my opinion, the reception and ceremony are a bit different. He is totally comfortable sitting in a room with a large number of people, eating, drinking, having fun. Yes, he will still get a lot of attention at the reception, however, having people come up and talk to him or having people watching him during the first dance, cake cutting, etc is a little different than being watched under complete silence recite his vows. At least, it's different to me and it's different to him. If you still think it's the same, I'm not going to change your mind. We were originally going to do the parents/grandparents (46) as I said previously, but I decided I wanted more and fiance and I compromised... I don't think he'd be too thrilled if I asked to invite more people to the ceremony. I definitely don't think he'll want 160 there. However, I can't imagine not celebrating with many of these people and I know my mother (who is helping pay) feels the same way. So, for me 60 people for both is out of the question and yet for fiance 160 people for the ceremony is too many. Oh, and to the poster who asked how I'd explain it... It's very easy. We had a "family only" ceremony. But, I'm sure there will be something "wrong" with this. I could probably sway fiance to everyone come to both, but is that really how I want to start my marriage? Forcing my fiance to do something he is totally not comfortable with? I guess due to the large number of people that we have in our family, we're not allowed to do what we want.<strong> But, it'd be acceptable if our total number of parents/gparents/siblings/aunts/uncles/cousins was 20? Am I right?</strong> So, if I were dealt a smaller family it'd be okay, but with the way my family is I can't have a family only ceremony. Doesn't seem quite fair.
Posted by lcatterton[/QUOTE]

Incorrect.

Immediately family is parents, siblings, and grandparents. Aunts, uncles, and cousins are NOT immediate family.

lcatterton

Okay, I think I understand now. Aunts/uncles/cousins are what push me over the etiquette line rather than numbers being the deciding factor. Why? Why is it okay to invite my grandmother, but not my aunt? What makes the difference? Why does etiquette dictate that inviting aunts/uncles/cousins makes it a non-private ceremony? I'm not arguing the fact, I'm just curious as to why it is such.

And, what I care about is having my family (which to ME means everyone; being very close to my aunts/uncles as well) be there for me when I marry my best friend, but not people that we hardly talk to.

And, I'm not looking to disregard etiquette, otherwise I would not have posted the question, I would have ignored your opinions instead of asking for them. I'm strongly doubting that my guest's feelings will be hurt, but I'm sure you disagree.

MartinAston

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_separate-ceremony-and-reception-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e01d7af1-e598-4329-97f4-435c92ca3e04Post:4d7015ff-eeb3-44c1-931f-14fd7cb9452a">Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists : So, what you are saying is that I should have a ceremony where my fiance has his 25 family members there for him along with his 2 groomsmen and I get to have my 2bridesmaids and my 2 parents (my MOH is my sister, which is the only other immediate family member that I have). Wouldn't that be quite the bummer for me?
Posted by lcatterton[/QUOTE]

I agree with what maggie said. So you got the short end of the stick when it comes to numbers.  I don't think you should just start adding people to appease yourself and not feel short changed.  If anything MAYBE the aunt who is throwing a shower.  But if you start going down that road you'll be back at your 60 number.  Plus, aren't these people going to become your family anyhow so they are there for both of you as a couple and not just him.  Don't just start adding numbers because it's not balanced.  My wedding isn't. I have a larger family than my fiance and we're not adding on numbers.  One suggestion I would say (because I'm doing the private ceremony) is to record it and email it to everyone so they can all feel included.  My ceremony is parents and we each have a sibling.  I've been asked my my closest cousin and friends if they could come, but I put my foot down because then it wouldn't be private.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_separate-ceremony-and-reception-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e01d7af1-e598-4329-97f4-435c92ca3e04Post:eb110ecb-46f4-41d0-b4a8-598991e9dc42">Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, I think I understand now. Aunts/uncles/cousins are what push me over the etiquette line rather than numbers being the deciding factor. Why? Why is it okay to invite my grandmother, but not my aunt? What makes the difference? Why does etiquette dictate that inviting aunts/uncles/cousins makes it a non-private ceremony? I'm not arguing the fact, I'm just curious as to why it is such. And, what I care about is having my family (which to ME means everyone; being very close to my aunts/uncles as well) be there for me when I marry my best friend, <strong>but not people that we hardly talk to</strong>. And, I'm not looking to disregard etiquette, otherwise I would not have posted the question, I would have ignored your opinions instead of asking for them. I'm strongly doubting that my guest's feelings will be hurt, but I'm sure you disagree.
Posted by lcatterton[/QUOTE]

Because if you want a truly intimate/private ceremony but a large reception, etiquette dictates that only immediate family memebers should be invited.  This keeps things small and private like you are trying to do but when you start inviting aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins etc things stop being intimate and start getting pretty large. 

Does it suck that his immediate family is large and yours isn't so you don't get to have as much family present?  Yes.  But it isn't his fault that he has a large immediate family like it isn't your fault that you have a small immediate family.  Stop worrying about the numbers because they do not matter.

If what is most important to you is family witnessing your ceremony then just have a family only wedding and reception.

ETA:  about the bolded part, then you wouldn't be inviting those individuals to either the ceremony or reception so I don't get why you included that.

lcatterton

Clearly no one understands WHY etiquette dictates this... Which since I understand the rules now is the answer I'm looking for. I doubt I'm going to get that answer, because I'm sure no one knows why it came to be this way. That's just the way it is.

Thank you for all of the advice everyone. I greatly appreciate your time, honesty, and expertise on the subject.

lcatterton

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_separate-ceremony-and-reception-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e01d7af1-e598-4329-97f4-435c92ca3e04Post:82b2a224-018f-4a7a-bb4b-c8d29d0ade26">Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists : Because if you want a truly intimate/private ceremony but a large reception, etiquette dictates that only immediate family memebers should be invited.  This keeps things small and private like you are trying to do but when you start inviting aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins etc things stop being intimate and start getting pretty large.  Does it suck that his immediate family is large and yours isn't so you don't get to have as much family present?  Yes.  But it isn't his fault that he has a large immediate family like it isn't your fault that you have a small immediate family.  Stop worrying about the numbers because they do not matter. If what is most important to you is family witnessing your ceremony then just have a family only wedding and reception. <strong>ETA:  about the bolded part, then you wouldn't be inviting those individuals to either the ceremony or reception so I don't get why you included that.
</strong>Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

Actually there are people on the reception list that we hardly talk to (great aunts/uncles). Some I've never even met (my parent's friends) since my Mother is helping pay, I'm allowing her to invite some people that I wouldn't if it were just my money.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_separate-ceremony-and-reception-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e01d7af1-e598-4329-97f4-435c92ca3e04Post:79f90500-cef2-41b7-afa3-7bf567da7aa7">Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists : Actually there are people on the reception list that we hardly talk to (great aunts/uncles). <strong>Some I've never even met (my parent's friends) since my Mother is helping pay</strong>, I'm allowing her to invite some people that I wouldn't if it were just my money.
Posted by lcatterton[/QUOTE]

If you're inviting these people simply because your mother is paying, you certainly are going to offend some of your guests. "Why did So-And-So make the Top 60 when Bride has never met her, but we've been friends for 10 years and I only got a reception invite?!"

As for "why are grandparents okay but not aunts and uncles" - some would argue that they aren't.

Clearly you are going to do what you want to do. Do so knowing that the only non-rude options are:

1) Keep it to immediate family (siblings, parents, & possibly grandparents) only for the ceremony & have the original 160 at the reception.

2) Keep it to the 60 you originally wanted at the ceremony for both the ceremony AND reception.

3) Invite the original 160 reception list to both the ceremony AND reception.

LondonLisa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_separate-ceremony-and-reception-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e01d7af1-e598-4329-97f4-435c92ca3e04Post:9d30e04c-403e-4b42-92e8-86ef751c8003">Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]Clearly no one understands WHY etiquette dictates this... Which since I understand the rules now is the answer I'm looking for. I doubt I'm going to get that answer, because I'm sure no one knows why it came to be this way. That's just the way it is. Thank you for all of the advice everyone. I greatly appreciate your time, honesty, and expertise on the subject.
Posted by lcatterton[/QUOTE]

The reason why this is an etiquette rule is because many people who show up at the reception who were not invited to the ceremony will feel slighted. When you have over a third, almost a half, of the guest list invited to the ceremony, they will be talking about it at the reception. Those not there will feel b-listed.

The reason that this sometimes works with truly private ceremonies, is they are usually only about 10 people and then a large party.  I even think 20 people for a private ceremony is pushing it.  How would you feel if you bought a gift and dressed up to go to a party, only to find that 1/2 of the guests had an "extra-special party" before you got there? I understand that you say family-only, but once you bring in aunts and cousins, that is going into extended family territory. Why would a great-aunt be less welcome than an aunt? They are both family. And I say this as someone who is very close with my cousins/ aunts etc.

Why don't you just have a 60 person wedding (as a ceremony and reception are 1 event)? Maybe in a year you could have an anniversary party and invite all the great uncles your mother would like to include then? Have you talked to your mother about your fiance's anxiety? I'm sure she would understand that you want an small wedding because of this.

I'm sorry that the situation is hard to negotiate between the needs of your fiance and your large families, but your reception is a thank you to your guests for coming to the ceremony and it is one event. You cannot split it into 2 guest lists without hurting a lot of feelings and offending people.

I really hope it works out for you.

pearlaqua

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_separate-ceremony-and-reception-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e01d7af1-e598-4329-97f4-435c92ca3e04Post:7e209ebb-658d-40cc-9e88-dd4dca946643">Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists : PPs have given great suggestions.  I just have to quibble with anyone's immediate family being 26 people.  I think people misunderstand what that word means - it's just your parents and siblings.  Possibly grandparents.  But it isn't 26 people.
Posted by amyb140[/QUOTE]

That's totally possible. When my parents got married, this group was 25 without counting spouses.  Add in spouses and this group was 40.   I'm not counting children of siblings in the number yet, either.  It's rare, but not unheard of.

ceceibson

We initially considered a destination-type wedding with just our immediate families.  For us, that number is 27, not including us.

We have 12 children and grandchildren.  He has 4 siblings with spouses, I have 3 siblings with spouses.  My mother is our only living parent.

So 27, jsut through our siblings and not counting all of their children [some of whom have children of their own].

In the end, we had a wedding and reception for 180 at a resort town 1 1/2 hours from here, where we have a second home.

I was the one who was panicked about saying my vows in front of a crowd that big.  In the end, I didn't even notice them.  The only person I saw was my FI, now DH.

willywally5

Basically what you guys want to do is have your cake and eat it, too. And be assured you are following proper etiquette while doing so. But it just isn't going to work that way. 

These are the only ways you can do this and be OK etiquette-wise:

1) Have the 60 or so people who you planned on inviting to the ceremony be your only guests for the wedding/reception. 

2) Have the IMMEDIATE FAMILY ONLY (no cousins or aunts; just all the parents, grandparents, sibs and their SO's/kids) at the ceremony. Then it would be acceptable to invite the 100-plus crew to the reception.  

3) Have the whole proposed guest list (the 100-plus people) be invited to both the ceremony and reception. 

YOU want all these people seeing you marry; your FI doesn't. Oh well. You need to get on the same page about it and come to some sort of compromise. It seems like you are hung up on the even numbers and these aunts being there when clearly he'd rather just have as few people as possible witness the actual marriage. So, remember, sometimes BOTH people have to give in a bit to compromise.  

To get your ideal way, with your aunts/cousins, etc at the ceremony, your FI is going to have to suck it up and be OK with being in front of that many people. 

For him to have his ideal way, you have to suck it up and not have your aunts/cousins present for the ceremony but will be able to celebrate with them at the reception. 

Both of you can give in a bit and have the 60ish guest list for everything and call it good. 

Anything else violates etiquette, is rude to your guests and will get big side-eyes and rude remarks when you're not looking. Guaranteed. Tiered receptions are NOT cool. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Etiquette has some pretty black and white rules. Sorry, but no, it doesn't take into account that you're "really close" with your aunts and uncles. For example, I'm not that close to my aunt. I like her, but we live in separate states and always have. Some people aren't very close to their siblings, but are really close to their friends from college, and would rather have those people at a private ceremony. But for most people, those you grew up with every single day are your parents and your siblings, so socially, it makes sense to have that as the cut-off. When you say, "well, my 2nd cousin is like a sister to me," not everyone can relate to that. And if you also include your 5 best friends from college, then, no matter if you talk to them every single day, other people aren't going to understand why they were included when your coworkers aren't (who, in fairness, you also talk to everyday).

lcatterton

So, in case you are interested in an update, I spoke with my fiance and he is willing to compromise further to allow 160 people to come to the ceremony!!! He still has concerns with standing in front of that many people, but understands that it will be for a very short amount of time. His exact words were "You know my feelings, but its more important to make things easier for you." (He doesn't really care too much about etiquette.. Hehe.) Gosh, I love that man!

willywally5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_separate-ceremony-and-reception-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e01d7af1-e598-4329-97f4-435c92ca3e04Post:d60af8b1-2c77-403c-aa67-5de9a6db4760">Re: Separate ceremony and reception guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]So, in case you are interested in an update, I spoke with my fiance and he is willing to compromise further to allow 160 people to come to the ceremony!!! He still has concerns with standing in front of that many people, but understands that it will be for a very short amount of time. His exact words were "You know my feelings, but its more important to make things easier for you." (He doesn't really care too much about etiquette.. Hehe.) Gosh, I love that man!
Posted by lcatterton[/QUOTE]

<div>He sounds like a good guy. Glad you got it worked out. AND, he probably won't even notice when things get rolling whether there are 60 or 600 people. Good luck!</div>

lcatterton

Willy, thanks for responding to me even though this thread DIED!!! Haha.