actual real life wedding related etiquette question

thesuninherhead

Bad etiquette situation that I need your advice on!: I have the worst memory in the world and can't recall if I gifted a distant friend for her wedding which I was invited to last year but couldn't attend. I did go to her bach party and I did gift her for that- and I think I may have brought with me a card with gift voucher for her wedding, but I never received a thank-you so now I wonder if I did actually do that at all, or if I just intended to do so but didn't end up bringing the card, thinking I'd get her something and send it (her wedding was around the same time as mine and thus I was somewhat busy and frazzled at the time). I am seeing her for tomorrow the first time since the wedding, and don't know if I should bring a gift or not.... 

 

Should I, a) presume the lack of thank-you card means I didn't give her a gift, and bring a gift with us for her apologising for the lengthly delay (maybe something bigger thus the lack of posting it?), hoping that I didn't already give her a gift or that if I did, she doesn't say anything, b) call her and clarify if I did give her anything (hello, awkward situation!), or c) forget about it. Or d) something else that I haven't brainstormed yet. Suggestions?

 

thesuninherhead

*ignore the bizarre spelling of forgotten above. Crazy typing fingers- I just had an energy drink and now my hands can't keep up with my brain.

Sapphire1002

Before you do anything, do you remember where she was registered? Do you think the store would have record of you purchasing item(s) off her registery? What about a bank statement that would show a purchase from the store.  I'd figure this out first, then go from there.  GL!

thesuninherhead

No registry- we don't do those here very frequently! Otherwise, that would be much easier. She actually had a wishing well wedding (complete with lovely poem insert in invite about how they've been living in sin!) so although I wouldn't have given her $- just feels wrong to me- I would have given her a card with a giftvoucher in it if I did give her something... and that was what I was intending on doing, but I can't remember now if I did it or not!

jnic0319

Was it over a year ago or just under a year?  My friends wedding was 1 year ago this week, I got the thank you two days ago.  Maybe she thinks since she has a year to write the thank you she can push it 'till the last minute???

melg26

so if you did send her a gift, you would have mailed it, right? if so, you could play and cool and just tell her that you were worried about it even making it to her house and just confirm that she did receive it. ask her something like, "i had a hard time remembering your address when i was mailing your wedding gift. i think i got it right, did my gift make it to your house?"

regardless of whether your friend says yes or no, just act concerned about whether she got it or not (sometimes packages get lost, incorrect postage is bought, etc.). saying something like, "okay i was just worried about whether or not you had gotten it" will help verify whether she did get a gift from you, without you having to feel silly asking her flat out if you even sent her something.

danieliza1127

I would probably just let it go at this point.

amysmomma

Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't see what the big deal is.  If you got her a gift, good.. if not, big deal?  Also, you weren't able to attend the wedding so I'm sure a gift wasn't even expected...

I wouldn't ask her about it, because if she did receive it and hadn't wrote the thank yous yet she may feel like a butthead... or she'll think SHEs the one who didn't remember your gift... and she'll still feel like a butthead...

I don't know, I'm rambling... I just think you're putting too much thought into the whole thing. 

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_actual-real-life-wedding-related-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e2e56001-769e-4b63-85d4-03504223b6d6Post:683a0b69-c1ad-4efc-a878-2da13788c271">Re: actual real life wedding related etiquette question</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't see what the big deal is.  If you got her a gift, good.. if not, big deal?  Also, you weren't able to attend the wedding so I'm sure a gift wasn't even expected... I wouldn't ask her about it, because if she did receive it and hadn't wrote the thank yous yet she may feel like a butthead... or she'll think SHEs the one who didn't remember your gift... and she'll still feel like a butthead... I don't know, I'm rambling... I just think you're putting too much thought into the whole thing.  :)
Posted by amysmomma[/QUOTE]

Yeah exactly.

thesuninherhead

She attended our wedding and brought a great gift, so thus I felt pretty guilty on realisation that I may not have sent her anything... also, my limited etiquette knowledge made me think it's pretty rude to receive an invite and not send a gift?

Knowing me, I am over-thinking it! 

mysticl

Still waiting for a thank you from a wedding I went to almost 2 years ago.  Don't assume no thank you means you didn't give a gift.  It could mean she didn't send a TY.  Just let it go and move on.

tenofcups4me

I'd probably just tell her what you told us (minus the part about the thank you note!), confess that you were a total space around that time, and you just can't remember if you gave her a gift or not. Followed up, of course, by telling her you'd love to give her something now if you hadn't actually already given her a gift. In other words, just ask her.

squirrly

I would probably err on the side of truth - just ask her. 

"I can't remember if I sent your wedding gift or not.  It was close to ours & I was so frazzled then!"

If she says yes and that she sent a TY, just say that you probably misplaced it in the wedding mail.  I'd guess she'd be understanding - she just got married too!

Goldlie11

I went to a wedding a couple of years ago.  I gave a check.  The bride and groom cashed the check, but I never got a thank you card.  It turns out, they never sent any to any of the guests (over 100 people).  Some brides are just like that.  I personally would let it go.  It could get embarrassing.  

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Honestly? If it was a gift voucher, SHE might not remember exactly who gave her what at this point. I think bringing it up might put her on the spot. It's awkward when someone says, "did I get you a gift?" You don't want to say, "No, you cheap bastard," and you don't want to say, "Oh, I can't remember" because it implies they didn't give a memorable gift. So I'd steer clear of that.

But on the off chance she does remember and you show up with something, that would be odd, too. I'd let it go. 

I might be hurt if my immediately family didn't buy a wedding gift, but I fully expect a lot of my friends won't. No biggie.

blackfire5th

Can you look back over your bank records and see if anything might match up?

TheCranberry

How close are you to this friend and how do you think she'll respond if you ask her?  If she's pretty low key and understanding, just ask her if you got her a gift and let her know you forgot whether you did or not.  She'll tell you and you'll both laugh about it. 

If you think she'll be offended (offended either that you forgot whether you gave her a gift or offended that you haven't gotten her a gift yet) or it will be an awkward conversation then just let it go. 

jenellsrevenge

For all you know the thank you note could have been sent and now be lost somewhere in the mail...happens all the time!

pooh8402

I'd let it go. it's been a year. she probably doesn't remember either.

katiewhompus

I would let it go too. I don't remember who gave me most of my gifts except for a few specific physical gifts (like our lamp, or coffee maker) and couldn't tell you if someone gave me a check or not. It would be really weird if one of my friends called and asked if they gave me a gift or not.