Cakesmashing.

harper0813

My fiance is very interested in a "classic" wedding and "classic", to him, means smashing cake in my face. I have told him that I do not want this. At all. My hair and makeup will be professionally done and I would like to look nice and not feel sticky the rest of the night. He says that he has always dreamed of smashing cake in his bride's face at his wedding. I say that I will feel humiliated and will definitely have an emotional reaction. I have tried to negotiate by offering to have a piece of cake wrapped up togo so he can smash cake in my face after the wedding but no, he wants to do it during the wedding. We both think that we're not respecting each other's wishes, but I find cakesmashing downright rude. What can I do to get the GD point through? Thank you, ladies, as always! No paragraphs because I am posting from my phone

TheVirginians

Pie

LDubHawksFan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cakesmashing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e97e3764-668b-4837-86ad-ead7028100a6Post:13fe0ea9-622e-4715-8717-e25b5c2bec67">Cakesmashing.</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance is very interested in a "classic" wedding and "classic", to him, means smashing cake in my face. I have told him that I do not want this. At all. My hair and makeup will be professionally done and I would like to look nice and not feel sticky the rest of the night. He says that he has always dreamed of smashing cake in his bride's face at his wedding. I say that I will feel humiliated and will definitely have an emotional reaction. I have tried to negotiate by offering to have a piece of cake wrapped up togo so he can smash cake in my face after the wedding but no, he wants to do it during the wedding. We both think that we're not respecting each other's wishes, but I find cakesmashing downright rude. What can I do to get the GD point through? Thank you, ladies, as always! No paragraphs because I am posting from my phone
Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]

Cut a really small piece! 

GypsySoul01

I don't think that cake smashing is at all "classic." To me, it is tacky. I would be extremely pissed if FI ruined my make-up by smashing cake in my face. I would tell him you will be happy to concede on another point for the wedding where you might have a difference of opinion but this is absolutely not an option for you and that you would find it humiliating. Maybe ask him if he really wants to start your marraige by embarassing you in public? Not to be dramatic but maybe that will make sense to him.

SlothGoals

Explain to him that by not respecting his wishes you will be disappointing a small part of his wedding day vision. However, by not respecting your wishes he will be publicly humiliating you and will most likely make you cry in front of friends and family. That sort of thing won't be forgotten easily and it's a really schitty way to start married life.

QueerFemme

I'm sorry, but your Fiance always "dreamed" of smashing a cake in his bride's face?  Does anyone else think that is crazy weird?

I would ask him to tell you why smashing the cake is so important to him, and what he is going to get out of doing that to you.  I have no judgment about people who agree to this either. It's not a big deal if that's what they want to do, but I knew I didn't want this, and my partner didn't either. We fed each other a bite of cake and went about our business. 

mlg78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cakesmashing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e97e3764-668b-4837-86ad-ead7028100a6Post:7049fd70-6ce6-474b-a184-44c9a42250ef">Re: Cakesmashing.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry, but your Fiance always "dreamed" of smashing a cake in his bride's face?  Does anyone else think that is crazy weird? I would ask him to tell you why smashing the cake is so important to him, and what he is going to get out of doing that to you.  I have no judgment about people who agree to this either. It's not a big deal if that's what they want to do, but I knew I didn't want this, and my partner didn't either. We fed each other a bite of cake and went about our business. 
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

<div>Agreed!  Are you marrying a 12 year old?  There is nothing pleasant about cake smashing...especially on one's wedding day.  </div><div>
</div><div>After reading this thread I just reconfirmed with my fiance that he won't be smashing cake in my face.  He replied, "Uh, no. I'm a little too mature for that."</div>

beardownbchs

If it really is THAT important to him, maybe let him smash just a little bit around your lips? So then all youll have to fix is your lipstick?

But I agree with PPs, you really shouldn't have to do this if you don't want to. 

banana468

I don't understand why a full-on assault is somehow a classic wedding.   It's classicly awful.

Why not tell him that if he assaults you then you get to knee him in the junk?


Seriously, as a compromise, what about a little dab of frosting on the nose?

I'd tell him that if he did anything other than that then his wedding night would be spent pretending he was a single teenager.

misssunshine17

I think a little teasing can be funny, but otherwise, it's just gross to smash it all over each other and not at all romantic. I would say you're skipping the cake cutting if he threatens to smash cake in your face. 

1mobags

Or how about it's supposed to symbolize how when you can not feed yourself your groom will...... Smashing is disrespectful.

gailpete

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cakesmashing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e97e3764-668b-4837-86ad-ead7028100a6Post:2b9582e7-0f0e-4e06-bae0-d55b1a6e0a86">Re: Cakesmashing.</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't understand why a full-on assault is somehow a classic wedding.   It's classicly awful. Why not tell him that if he assaults you then you get to knee him in the junk? Seriously, as a compromise, what about a little dab of frosting on the nose? I'd tell him that if he did anything other than that then his wedding night would be spent pretending he was a single teenager.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.  Tell him your dream of starting a marriage is not physical violence, but if he insists, you get to give him a swift kick in the junk in return.

Peledreamsofrain

I am not personally a fan of the,act itself, but won't tell people they are forbidden from doing it if they want. What I DO forbid is my life partner engaging in an activity that humilates me, costs me money, and potentially makes me cry in public, all after I've asked him not too. Cake smashing should only be done if both parties are ok with it, otherwise it turns into something nasty against someone that you are supposed to love and cherish. If your FI thinks all of the above is aok to do, you need to have a deep conversation with him, and with yourself.

vanityink

Yeah, I told my FI that if he smashed cake in my face it would be point #1 in our divorce proceedings. 

Honestly, if he continued to insist, I would refuse to cut the cake at all and say if that's a deal breaker than he should be marrying someone else. But that's how strongly I personally feel about it. 

I say you have to see if you feel as strongly against it as he is for it, and if you do, put your foot down. Being that disrespectful to me is entirely a deal breaker to me.

jenajjthr

My H did this with his first wife.  Then again she wanted to do it as well and made bibs for them.  He wanted to do it to me when we got married.  All I could think of was my first H who literally smeared cake around my whole face.  I was humiliated and hurt that my H who just vowed a little bit ago to love, honor, and cherish me, disrespected me in front of friends and family. 

I let H know that by no means we were doing this "tradition"  He was disappointed, but loved me enough to respect my wishes.  As much as it sucks for the person being told no, the "No" always win. 

AddieCake

I agree you need to tell him how humiliated you would feel having that done to you.

lauralaur

I think H thought about it at our wedding, especially since the crowd was kind of calling for it. But, I stood there and literally quoted the price of my dress to him over and over until he decided not to.

H's cousin flat out told her H that if he did it at their wedding, because he really wanted to, that the frosting would make her break out and if she was broken out on her wedding day because he was being a jerk she would be piiiiissed.

Sometimes guys have an easier time grasping the more logical arguments.

If he's this hell-bent on it, I'd sure as heck make sure he goes first so he can experience an angry bride shoving cake in his face.

LuckyGirl1713

Honestly I would tell him that if he plans on doing this then you will not be doing the cake cutting at all. 

misssunshine17

Print out these responses and show him. 

EK2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cakesmashing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e97e3764-668b-4837-86ad-ead7028100a6Post:13fe0ea9-622e-4715-8717-e25b5c2bec67">Cakesmashing.</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance is very interested in a "classic" wedding and "classic", to him, means smashing cake in my face. I have told him that I do not want this. At all. My hair and makeup will be professionally done and I would like to look nice and not feel sticky the rest of the night. He says that he has always dreamed of smashing cake in his bride's face at his wedding. I say that I will feel humiliated and will definitely have an emotional reaction. I have tried to negotiate by offering to have a piece of cake wrapped up togo so he can smash cake in my face after the wedding but no, he wants to do it during the wedding. We both think that we're not respecting each other's wishes, but I find cakesmashing downright rude. What can I do to get the GD point through? Thank you, ladies, as always! No paragraphs because I am posting from my phone
Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]

<div>Hey, take a look! Dear Abby seems to think that the tradition is SPECIFICALLY that the bride smashes the cake in the groom's face! And that instead of getting smashed in the face herself, all she has to do is lovingly clean up the groom's face!: </div><div>
</div><div><a href="http://www.azcentral.com/arizonarepublic/arizonaliving/articles/20110626abby0626-cake-smashing.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.azcentral.com/arizonarepublic/arizonaliving/articles/20110626abby0626-cake-smashing.html</a></div><div>
</div><div>... This synopsis also makes it clear that it's still a pretty demeaning tradition, but it isn't even <em>traditional </em>to ruin's the bride's hair and makeup.</div><div>
</div><div>Everyone else has given some really great ideas and you should listen to them, though. :)</div>

pokey730

If you do not want cake smashed in your face, he should respect your wishes. I also find it weird that he's "always dreamed of this".

FI and I are on the same page about not doing it. Sure, it's kind of funny when you're a guest at the wedding, but I prefer not to taint the actual symbolism of feeding eachother cake.

FI was married before, and he smashed cake in his ex wife's face(she wanted to do this), and after he did it, one particularly rude bridesmaid came up and grabbed a piece of cake and smashed it in FI's face, totally unprovoked, just because he did what his bride asked him to do. FI was furious and told me if it hadn't been a woman and in front of his family, there probably would have been a fight. Just a precautionary tale of cake smashing gone awry. Not saying anything even close to this would happen, but it can turn what's supposed to be a nice tradition, into a nasty incident.

AnitaH08

I've had to have this conversation with my FI already, too. To deter him from doing it, I told him how much my dress cost, and about how much hair and makeup are going to cost. Being a reasonable guy, he said no when I asked him if he really wanted to be responsible for wasting that much money.

Summer2011Bride

Well in general I don't find cake smashing an abomination or horridly disrespectful like some people do IF both parties are interested in doing it and want to.

BUT if you don't want it, then I do think he's being disrespectful to completely disregard what you want. You're the one who will have to fix hair/makeup/whatever, not him. I also find it odd that that's the one thing he's been fixated on about your wedding all these years. Really? Cake smashing? Honestly I am all up for compromising for most situations in a marriage, but this seems silly. Maybe the compromise is you can smash it on his face and he can't on yours.

gailpete

If he wants this because it is "classic"- ask him to ask his grandparents if Grandpa shoved cake in Grandma's face and if not, what she would have thought if he had.  I'm guessing Grandma would be appalled that her grandson thought this was a acceptable way to treat his new wife.

bridalmarch

You've told him your side. If that's not enough for him and if he insists on embarrassing you and disrespecting you on your wedding day, I'd inform him that he will be cutting the cake alone and he can shove it in his own face. 

K27Lynn

What is his definition of "smashing" cake in your face?

Does he want to full on shove it in your face getting frosting and crumbs everywhere?
Or a playful little nudge where frosting ends up on your nose? The first one is over the top but the second one is more acceptable. Plus it's hard to avoid getting frosting on you when someone else is feeding you unless the piece is very small.

But If you want neither then thats what you should get.

Jen4948

I'd tell him that you have always dreamed of NOT getting smashed in the face with anything on your wedding day.

There's nothing "classic" about it and it sounds immature.

Brittywest05

I'm opposite all of these ladies, my FI had very few requests when it came to our wedding and a playful dab of frosting on the face is something I'm willing to let him have. Not my thing, I HATE cake, so much that they are even making me my own dessert. But my FI knows that he feeds me first so if he goes above the playful smash and smears cake all over my face then I fully plan on returning the favor.

harper0813

Thanks for the tips, ladies - some of your posts made me laugh, so I appreciate it.

Here's to hoping I don't have to knee him in no-no area.

ETA: I should have specified in my OP that I find cake-smashing rude when it's not wanted by the receiver... not rude in general. My fiancé keeps using this "wedding I've always dreamed of" line and it's very odd. He's used it for the Macarena, too.

[Deleted User]

We just fed our cake on forks because neither of us wanted the smash and potential mess.  My parents lovingly places a little frosting on each other's noses.  I was at one wedding where the groom smashed it all over the bride and managed to get it all over her shoulder.  It was a mess.

lovesclimbing

I'm actually the opposite of most of you. I wanted to smash the cake and DH didn't want to. I asked his reasoning and he said it was because his beard and mustache would be difficult to clean. I did try to persuade him once but since he was set in not doing it I agreed and on our wedding day, despite hollers from the guests of "smash it!", I respected his wishes and didn't. That is how your FI should be responding. Once he hears your reasoning and that it's logical, he should respect your wishes. If he simply can't do that and keeps insisting, I suggest premarital counseling to talk through this. in hindsight, I am glad that we didn't smash it because I realize now I would have wiped my foundation and other makeup off and am glad that didn't happen especially since I had a couple acne scars on my chin that would have been uncovered