What to do when the Mother in Law wants to pick your bridesmaids???

futureautry

I have 9 bridesmaids, I feel its too many but the girls I have I can't live without.  I have my 2 sisters, my niece, my fiance's sister, my 3 bestfriends since KG and my two bestfriends from college.  I also have 3 honorary bridesmaids.  This numbers has been the same since I got engaged.  Last night my future mother in law suggests to my fiance that his cousin should be a bridesmaid.  Well I barely know this girl, so my suggestion was for her to be and honorary.  Well apparently that is not good enough for my future husband or my future mother in law.  One of my honorarys is my own cousin.  But yet they want his cousin that I have no connection with to be a bridesmaid.  I would rather her be an honorary.  The only arguement they have is that she is the only cousin, but what about my cousin?  Help ladies!!

temerityjane

"Honorary bridesmaids." And that's not GOOD ENOUGH for your future husband or his mother? Imagine that.

Meg1979

IMO, I think you should pick your bridesmaids.  Can they do something else in your wedding, like a reading?  Is he particularly close to any of these girls?

louisvillebride21

You absolutely can't live without them? Huh, didn't realize BM were that vital. And honorary BM? That's...special. I would just tell MIL "Look, I'm being dumb and have already invited every female I've ever known to be a BM, I can't possibly take anymore." But that's just me.

brookelynpaisley

First reaction to your post title: kick her in the vag

louisvillebride21

For real advice, turn it back on your FI and tell him that if they want her in the WP so much, she can be on his side.

arbolita

Please tell me, what is the difference between a bridesmaid and an honorary bridesmaid?

shellydiane820

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-law-wants-pick-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ea1ba81a-54a2-4c57-8b61-8dc835c90d6bPost:483f47ec-2015-4a25-a65d-c9073a8b3233">Re: What to do when the Mother in Law wants to pick your bridesmaids???</a>:
[QUOTE]Please tell me, what is the difference between a bridesmaid and an honorary bridesmaid?
Posted by arbolita[/QUOTE]

I was just wondering that.

LesPaul

Nine is too many.  And what is the difference between 'honorary' and 'real' bridesmaid?  You really don't have to invite everyone you have ever known to be in your WP.  Really.

brookelynpaisley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-law-wants-pick-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ea1ba81a-54a2-4c57-8b61-8dc835c90d6bPost:0fb529ae-9d66-48db-9edd-a810205f083c">What to do when the Mother in Law wants to pick your bridesmaids???</a>:
[QUOTE]I have <strong>9 bridesmaids</strong>, I feel its too many but the girls I have I can't live without.  I have my 2 sisters, my niece, my fiance's sister, my 3 bestfriends since KG and my two bestfriends from college.  I also have 3 <strong>honorary bridesmaids</strong>.  This numbers has been the same since I got engaged.  Last night my future mother in law suggests to my fiance that his cousin should be a bridesmaid.  Well I barely know this girl, so my suggestion was for her to be and honorary.  Well apparently that is <strong>not good enough for my future husband or my future mother in law</strong>.  One of my honorarys is my own cousin.  But yet they want his cousin that I have no connection with to be a bridesmaid.  I would rather her be an honorary.  The only arguement they have is that she is the only cousin, but what about my cousin?  Help ladies!!
Posted by futureautry[/QUOTE]

Good lord. Trainwreck in the making. Is anyone NOT in your wedding?

Simply Fated

I feel really bad for this cousin whose aunt is, like, forcing her into her cousin's bridal party.
Has anyone asked her how she feels about it? I think your fiance should step in and ask her to be on his side, if he wants her to be a part of it.


I'm not sure what an honorary bridesmaid is, either, but it sounds like it's the place where left over girls get tossed.

acmj11

NO to Honorary Bridesmaids!!  I have never heard of anyone really having honorary bridesmaids.  If someone asked me to be one though, I would be offended.  It's kind of like saying, "Oh, sooo close!  Sorry you didn't make my WP cut, but if it makes you feel better you were next in line!"

M&R7111

I don't know what an honorary bridesmaid is.

I'm not sure I would care who my FMIL insisted was in my bridal party, but if my FI wanted his cousin included in the wedding, I would have no problem adding another girl to the group.  You have 9 already, what's one more?  You mentioned that you aren't close with her, but myabe your FI is?

I have a situation similar to this, though.  I only have brothers that I would like to include in the wedding.  FI doesn't feel he should put them on his side; he has a twin brother, cousins, and about 8 frat brothers already. (kinda pissed he won't ask them, but that's just me)  So they will be standing with me on my side.  Maybe if you don't want the cousin in your party, your FI can ask her to stand up on his side if he really wants to include her.

jnic0319

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-law-wants-pick-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ea1ba81a-54a2-4c57-8b61-8dc835c90d6bPost:0fb529ae-9d66-48db-9edd-a810205f083c">What to do when the Mother in Law wants to pick your bridesmaids???</a>:
[QUOTE]I have 9 bridesmaids, I feel its too many but the girls I have I can't live without.  I have my 2 sisters, my niece, my fiance's sister, my 3 bestfriends since KG and my two bestfriends from college. <strong> I also have 3 honorary bridesmaids.</strong>  This numbers has been the same since I got engaged.  Last night my future mother in law suggests to my fiance that his cousin should be a bridesmaid.  Well I barely know this girl, so my suggestion was for her to be and honorary.  Well apparently that is not good enough for my future husband or my future mother in law.  One of my honorarys is my own cousin.  But yet they want his cousin that I have no connection with to be a bridesmaid.  I would rather her be an honorary.  The only arguement they have is that she is the only cousin, but what about my cousin?  Help ladies!!
Posted by futureautry[/QUOTE]

I'm confused.  What is an honorary bridesmaid???

ThePinkSuperhero

Honestly, you already have 9, which is already about 6 too many.  What's one more?

damaless

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-law-wants-pick-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ea1ba81a-54a2-4c57-8b61-8dc835c90d6bPost:ebb544ab-afd5-495c-92e7-a58bab96354e">Re: What to do when the Mother in Law wants to pick your bridesmaids???</a>:
[QUOTE]NO to Honorary Bridesmaids!!  I have never heard of anyone really having honorary bridesmaids.  If someone asked me to be one though, I would be offended.  It's kind of like saying, "Oh, sooo close!  Sorry you didn't make my WP cut, but if it makes you feel better you were next in line!"
Posted by acmj11[/QUOTE]

<div>I get that the concept is unnecessary -- you can make sure the people in your life know they are important to you in some way other than being in the wedding party.  But why would being an honorary bridesmaid be more offensive to you than not being in the wedding party at all?  It seems like if someone felt that they should have been asked to be in the WP, they would be offended whether they were just left out of it altogether or if they were asked to be an honorary bridesmaid.  If someone DIDN'T have that expectation though, that means they wouldn't be offended by not being in the WP, so why would they be offended at being an honorary bridesmaid?</div>

brookelynpaisley

Are you coming back, OP? We have questions.

jnic0319

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-law-wants-pick-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ea1ba81a-54a2-4c57-8b61-8dc835c90d6bPost:13fbfbb4-55b2-4023-bf13-1da2aec0eb79">Re: What to do when the Mother in Law wants to pick your bridesmaids???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What to do when the Mother in Law wants to pick your bridesmaids??? : I get that the concept is unnecessary -- you can make sure the people in your life know they are important to you in some way other than being in the wedding party.  But why would being an honorary bridesmaid be more offensive to you than not being in the wedding party at all?  It seems like if someone felt that they should have been asked to be in the WP, they would be offended whether they were just left out of it altogether or if they were asked to be an honorary bridesmaid.  If someone DIDN'T have that expectation though, that means they wouldn't be offended by not being in the WP, so why would they be offended at being an honorary bridesmaid?
Posted by damaless[/QUOTE]

The last girl I knew who tried to pull the "honorary bridesmaid" card, made the "honorarys" buy a dress and participate in the shower, but then made one make sure she was on time, the other sing at her wedding, etc.  It was like she picked them to avoid paying vendors for these tasks but made them buy a dress.  I hope that's not what OP is planning on.

mica178

"Honorary bridesmaid" sounds about as lame as guestbook attendant.

I always love Brooke's first reaction to posts. 

acmj11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-law-wants-pick-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ea1ba81a-54a2-4c57-8b61-8dc835c90d6bPost:13fbfbb4-55b2-4023-bf13-1da2aec0eb79">Re: What to do when the Mother in Law wants to pick your bridesmaids???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What to do when the Mother in Law wants to pick your bridesmaids??? : I get that the concept is unnecessary -- you can make sure the people in your life know they are important to you in some way other than being in the wedding party.  But why would being an honorary bridesmaid be more offensive to you than not being in the wedding party at all?  It seems like if someone felt that they should have been asked to be in the WP, they would be offended whether they were just left out of it altogether or if they were asked to be an honorary bridesmaid.  If someone DIDN'T have that expectation though, that means they wouldn't be offended by not being in the WP, so why would they be offended at being an honorary bridesmaid?
Posted by damaless[/QUOTE]

Because you're either a bridesmaid and your in the wedding party or you're not.  Seeing as how most of the pps on this board are asking, "What's an honorary bridesmaid?"  I don't think many people would feel honored to be asked to be one.  I'd rather be honored by someone asking me to do a reading.  This is personal opinion.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-law-wants-pick-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ea1ba81a-54a2-4c57-8b61-8dc835c90d6bPost:13fbfbb4-55b2-4023-bf13-1da2aec0eb79">Re: What to do when the Mother in Law wants to pick your bridesmaids???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What to do when the Mother in Law wants to pick your bridesmaids??? : I get that the concept is unnecessary -- you can make sure the people in your life know they are important to you in some way other than being in the wedding party.  But why would being an honorary bridesmaid be more offensive to you than not being in the wedding party at all?  It seems like if someone felt that they should have been asked to be in the WP, they would be offended whether they were just left out of it altogether or if they were asked to be an honorary bridesmaid.  If someone DIDN'T have that expectation though, that means they wouldn't be offended by not being in the WP, so why would they be offended at being an honorary bridesmaid?
Posted by damaless[/QUOTE]

Having... levels or layers of groups... and grouping their friends and family by importance is more offensive than inviting me as a guest. Being a guest and witnessing their ceremony and having fun at their reception is more than enough of an honor.
But being told, "I love you, but not enough as other people and I'm going to not only tell you that, but publicise this fact," is offensive.

M&R7111

According to Wikipedia:

"A junior bridesmaid is a girl who is clearly too young to be marriageable, but who is included as an honorary bridesmaid."

I guess bridesmaids are suppose to be old enough to be marriageable? 

jamiefour

So for real what is an honorary BM.  I have never heard of this. 

jnic0319

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-law-wants-pick-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ea1ba81a-54a2-4c57-8b61-8dc835c90d6bPost:c204ce0b-6b41-4358-b380-7844cecf3499">Re: What to do when the Mother in Law wants to pick your bridesmaids???</a>:
[QUOTE]According to Wikipedia: "A junior bridesmaid is a girl who is clearly too young to be marriageable, but who is included as an honorary bridesmaid ." I guess bridesmaids are suppose to be old enough to be marriageable? 
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]

haha well there goes my 2 MOH's (my 18 and 16 year old sisters).  Oops guess I broke that rule. *shrugs*

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-law-wants-pick-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ea1ba81a-54a2-4c57-8b61-8dc835c90d6bPost:c204ce0b-6b41-4358-b380-7844cecf3499">Re: What to do when the Mother in Law wants to pick your bridesmaids???</a>:
[QUOTE]According to Wikipedia: "A junior bridesmaid is a girl who is clearly too young to be marriageable, but who is included as an honorary bridesmaid ." I guess bridesmaids are suppose to be old enough to be marriageable? 
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]
Well, considering any age is pretty much marriagable with parental consent in most states, I don't take that definition too seriously.

And I love how wiki is so... precise. "clearly too young" WTF does that mean? 19 years old, but looks like 12? Justin Bieber will always have to be a junior groomsmen...

brookelynpaisley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-law-wants-pick-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ea1ba81a-54a2-4c57-8b61-8dc835c90d6bPost:13fbfbb4-55b2-4023-bf13-1da2aec0eb79">Re: What to do when the Mother in Law wants to pick your bridesmaids???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What to do when the Mother in Law wants to pick your bridesmaids??? : I get that the concept is unnecessary -- you can make sure the people in your life know they are important to you in some way other than being in the wedding party.  But why would being an honorary bridesmaid be more offensive to you than not being in the wedding party at all?  It seems like if someone felt that they should have been asked to be in the WP, they would be offended whether they were just left out of it altogether or if they were asked to be an honorary bridesmaid.  If someone DIDN'T have that expectation though, that means they wouldn't be offended by not being in the WP, so why would they be offended at being an honorary bridesmaid?
Posted by damaless[/QUOTE]

Because you're emphasizing that they're not as good as the girls you've chosen as full-on bridesmaids. It's like you want them to be props. Why not just a regular bridesmaid? I'd be inclined to think that anyone who would have an honorary bridesmaid (who isn't, like, 13 years old) would probably be a nightmare of a bridezilla and those honorary bridesmaids are better off as guests.

acmj11

No one can find the real definition because it's not real.

pooh8402

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-law-wants-pick-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ea1ba81a-54a2-4c57-8b61-8dc835c90d6bPost:f50cb02f-e63a-4c7a-9ee2-402b766de2d6">Re: What to do when the Mother in Law wants to pick your bridesmaids???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What to do when the Mother in Law wants to pick your bridesmaids??? : Well, considering any age is pretty much marriagable with parental consent in most states, I don't take that definition too seriously. And I love how wiki is so... precise. "clearly too young" WTF does that mean? 19 years old, but looks like 12? Justin Bieber will always have to be a junior groomsmen...
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]
*snorts* hahaha

but seriously. where's the OP? we need these questions answered.

futureautry

I hear that yes i have too many but i was in the other girls weddings too and on top of that have sisters and a niece old enough to be a BM.  THe other issue is that I have a cousin too who is an honorary. My fiance's cousin wasn't even mentioned to be in the wedding until last night per MIL. They dont seem to care that Im not having my own cousin to be a BM.  I just don't know what to do. Ex them all and keep my MOH?

M&R7111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-law-wants-pick-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ea1ba81a-54a2-4c57-8b61-8dc835c90d6bPost:b0bb9238-ff87-4182-a586-abb59c0e8665">Re: What to do when the Mother in Law wants to pick your bridesmaids???</a>:
[QUOTE]No one can find the real definition because it's not real.
Posted by acmj11[/QUOTE]

So I'm trying to find more stuff on this "honorary bridesmaid" online and I came across a wedding board where someone was asking "What should a honorary bridesmaid wear?"

A person suggested she try asking this question the TheKnot because "...<em>they have wonderful information about all things wedding related! You might find a tip or suggestion there that answers your question.</em>"

I'm sure she'd get may tips and suggestions to that answer! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" />

But yeah, I am finiding honorary bridesmaids mentioned a lot on many wedding-planning sites.  i guess in some areas (where, I don't know) it's normal? 

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-law-wants-pick-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ea1ba81a-54a2-4c57-8b61-8dc835c90d6bPost:fda8cfdf-707d-4be2-815e-841a0f20d87d">Re: What to do when the Mother in Law wants to pick your bridesmaids???</a>:
[QUOTE]I hear that yes i have too many but i was in the other girls weddings too and on top of that have sisters and a niece old enough to be a BM.  THe other issue is that I have a cousin too who is an honorary. My fiance's cousin wasn't even mentioned to be in the wedding until last night per MIL. They dont seem to care that Im not having my own cousin to be a BM.  I just don't know what to do. Ex them all and keep my MOH?
Posted by futureautry[/QUOTE]

We're still not sure what an honorary bridesmaid is, hun.