Wedding Etiquette Forum

The friendly to him ex.

Ok so j's ex called in Nov. wanting her old wedding ring back. He had already sold it as they have been divorced for around 6 years( they do not have kids together). In Feb. She called the week after we got engaged to inform him she was getting remarried. She calls is mother on a regular basis. We ran into her once in town when we were first together, and he didn't introduce me at all, then later when I told him that was rude he called and told her, and she said she didn't care who I was anyway. We have been together for three years now, and have had little contact with her until Nov. Now she is everywhere. It is two weeks till our wedding and she called to tell him she is pregnant and ask about our wedding. I'm very unhappy about this. I feel his mom may have told her that I want a baby but I may not be able to have one, and it's like she's rubbing my nose in it. I don't see why she is suddenly calling everyone. She caused the breakup. Things ended very badly. She has a new husband and a baby on the way. Am I being childish for wanting her to go away? As far as i see they have no reasons to talk. I don't question him, I know he is faithful, but as they say I don't trust her. I'm already having problems with my soon to be SIL, how do I handle this? Am I wrong for thinking it is wrong?

Re: The friendly to him ex.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friendly-him-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:eff401de-86f3-493d-ad54-8a7769be4504Post:7cf480c2-3153-4ed4-ab95-52ddda561a62">The friendly to him ex.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok so j's ex called in Nov. wanting her old wedding ring back. He had already sold it as they have been divorced for around 6 years( they do not have kids together). In Feb. She called the week after we got engaged to inform him she was getting remarried. She calls is mother on a regular basis. We ran into her once in town when we were first together, and he didn't introduce me at all, then later when I told him that was rude he called and told her, and she said she didn't care who I was anyway. We have been together for three years now, and have had little contact with her untill Nov. Now she is everywhere. It is two weeks till our wedding and she called to tell him she is pregnant and ask about our wedding. I'm very unhappy about this. I feel his mom may have told her that I want a baby but I may not be able to have one, and it's like she's rubbing my nose in it. I don't see why she is suddenly calling everyone. She caused the breakup. Things ended very badly. She has a new husband and a baby on the way. Am I being childish for wanting her to go away? As far as i see they have no reasons to talk. I don't question him, I know he is faithfull, but as they say I don't trust her. I'm already having problems with my soon to be SIL, how do I handle this? Am I wrong for thinking it is wrong?
    Posted by ierland[/QUOTE]

    If she's friends with his whole family it sounds like you're going to have to get over it because you'll probably never be completely rid of her.

    If he is not on a friendship basis with her, meaning things that you two do sometimes includes her, then I see no reason why he's communicating with her at all as that doesn't seem appropriate and you should be upset.  I have a couple ex's that I'm still friends with, but I don't talk to them behind my FI's back, and if they're hanging out, so is FI.

    If your FMIL and FSIL are both fanning the flames here by relaying information that shouldn't be shared to parties on both sides when your wedding is just a few weeks away, and your FI is doing nothing about it, it sounds like you've got a family nightmare in your future.

    Married in Vegas - June 2011


  • edited September 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friendly-him-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:eff401de-86f3-493d-ad54-8a7769be4504Post:7cf480c2-3153-4ed4-ab95-52ddda561a62">The friendly to him ex.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok so j's ex called in Nov. wanting her old wedding ring back. He had already sold it as they have been divorced for around 6 years( they do not have kids together). In Feb. She called the week after we got engaged to inform him she was getting remarried. She calls is mother on a regular basis. We ran into her once in town when we were first together, and he didn't introduce me at all, then later when I told him that was rude <strong>he called and told her</strong>, and she said she didn't care who I was anyway. We have been together for three years now, and have had little contact with her untill Nov. Now she is everywhere. It is two weeks till our wedding and she called to tell him she is pregnant and ask about our wedding. I'm very unhappy about this. I feel his mom may have told her that I want a baby but I may not be able to have one, and it's like she's rubbing my nose in it. I don't see why she is suddenly calling everyone. She caused the breakup. Things ended very badly. She has a new husband and a baby on the way. Am I being childish for wanting her to go away? As far as i see they have no reasons to talk. I don't question him, I know he is faithfull, but as they say I don't trust her. I'm already having problems with my soon to be SIL, how do I handle this? Am I wrong for thinking it is wrong?
    Posted by ierland[/QUOTE]
    <p>Why did he respond to your concerns about him not introducing the two of you by calling <em>her</em>? That seems a little odd, if I'm reading it correctly.</p><p> </p><p>In any case, if you are uncomfortable with his relationship with her, you need to talk to him about it and he needs to be the one to lay the ground rules with her. </p><p> </p><p>I am a big believer in staying friends with long-term exes, but at the same time, I don't think this should be at the expense of the couple/s involved. I don't see her keeping in contact with his parents or with him as 'wrong', but I do feel that it is your FI that is making the choice to speak to her etc, and thus if you have concerns, it is him who you need to direct them to. It seems as though your intuition in this situation is suggesting that something is really up- if that is the case, you need to talk to your FI about it. </p>
  • ierlandierland member
    10 Comments
    edited September 2010
    My to be SIL is strange and likes to start stuff, most of which is based on stuff his first wife did but ends up directed at me. But my soon to be MIL is wonderful. She has helped me more with the wedding than my own mother. So I would think her involvement is unintentional. I have ex's that I have stayed friends with but we are friends and ended on good terms. They broke up in a flaming pile of whole family drama, and have had little contact until I came around. Which is part of why I'm so confused. I've never been married before so I'm sure there are things here that I'm just not going to understand. I'm just unsure of how to get over it or approach it maturely.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friendly-him-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:eff401de-86f3-493d-ad54-8a7769be4504Post:5c527742-3a6a-4fca-a573-9138bc358db8">Re: The friendly to him ex.</a>:
    [QUOTE]My to be SIL is strange and likes to start stuff, most of which is based on stuff his first wife did but ends up directed at me. But my soon to be MIL is wonderful. She has helped me more with the wedding than my own mother. So I would think her involvement is unintentional. I have ex's that I have stayed friends with but we are friends and ended on good terms. They broke up in a flaming pile of whole family drama, and have had little contact untill I came around. Which is part of why I'm so confused. I've never been married befor so I'm sure there are things here that I'm just not going to understand. I'm just unsure of how to get over it or approuch it maturely.
    Posted by ierland[/QUOTE]
    <p> </p><p>Start by talking to your FI. He needs to understand that you're uncomfortable with this situation. </p>
  • I agree with PPs... talk to your FI first and make sure he understands how you feel. If you've been relatively complacent about it up until now, he might think you're OK with this. Be sure he knows you're not.
  • You really should be able to talk to your fiance about your feelings and concerns.  It sounds like she is moved on from him and not trying to get him back or anything, but if their contact bothers you then I think you should speak up.  He might not even know you are upset!
    image
  • I would talk to him.  I have known many girls who have moved on and gotten married or in long-term relationships themselves, but still get bothered by their ex moving on.  Guys can be clueless, and he might totally not know that it bothers you.  If it really is that your FMIL or FSIL are relaying this info to her, then your FI is going to have to talk to them about it too. 

    If your problems with your FSIL are because of this girl and things she did in the past, then hopefully by just being faithful and treating your FI with the respect and dignity she thinks he deserves then hopefully in time she will come around.
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
  • you have all the right to want her to go away. who cares what an ex is doing. you live your own life with your man, and she should worry about hers. it must be really annoying that the mom still talks to her, she should of stopped talking to her 6 years ago. and if shes still calling him after 6 years of being divorced, id be extremely pissed too, pick up everytime and tell her hes not there. theres no need for conversation between them two.
    Married 10/09/11
    Miss Claire born 5/29/13
    Our Happy Little Family
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