Can I not allow a guest to bring a specific date?

jmhayes07

A friend of mine asked me if she could bring her boyfriend to the wedding, her married boyfriend that is. There has been a lot of fall out within our friends and her family about her dating this guy (or being his mistress). So everyone knows who he is and she has chosen to debut him at my wedding. I stated that I didn't want the drama, but she insists that this is her date, why should anyone care. Can I tell her not to bring this guy or do I have to not invite her? I'm really not comfortable knowingly hosting cheaters at my wedding. 

SlothGoals

If she is in a relationship with him he needs to be invited regardless of how you feel about her choice in partner. 

bunni727

That's kind of tough. If it was a suuuppper close friend, I would likely invite her with a plus 1, but not put his name on the envelope.

Since all SOs must be invited together, you'd also have to invite his wife if you invited him by name, and I have a feeling that could get awkward.

OwningAHome1981

You can't tell people who they can and cannot bring. If you grant them the right to have a plus 1, it is up to them to decide who it is. And if this guy is her boyfriend, he really needs to be invited. If she is single and he is a just a friend who would be her date, well then that is a different story. If you decide you don't want him there, be prepared for her not to come as well.

It's a crappy situation but ultimately you can't tell people who they can bring for their date.

lilphillips14

I would just put "and guest" on the envelope, then cross your fingers and hope they break it off before your wedding?

Though maybe ask her for his address so you can invite his wife as well? No, don't do that, but I might ask anyway just to make a point. Then again, sarcasm is my second language.

AJuliaNJ

I would put "and guest". I don't really consider him a boyfriend if he's already married.

SlothGoals

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-i-not-allow-a-guest-to-bring-a-specific-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f01a5a0d-e1c3-4158-866b-d848032369ccPost:e859dbd0-a994-4bf1-b78f-5288a47e22c2">Re: Can I not allow a guest to bring a specific date?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would put "and guest". I don't really consider him a boyfriend if he's already married.
Posted by AndreaJulia[/QUOTE]

<div>Unfortunately it doesn't matter that you don't consider him a boyfriend; it matters that the friend considers him her boyfriend.</div>

Maggie0829

Is she really the mistress or is he separated from his wife and just going through a lengthy divorce process which in reality makes him married but it isn't like he is really cheating since he and his wife are getting divorced?

And even if she is the mistress and he is still "happily" married to his wife, it really isn't any of your business.  She considers him her boyfriend so he should be invited.  Even if you just put "and guest" on the invite it will not stop her from bringing him and you dictating who she is or is not allowed to bring is rude.

AddieCake

They obviously consider themselves a couple, so he should be invited. Also, since you didn't indicate this info in your OP, is he married, living at home with his wife AS husband and wife and having a secret fling with your friend?  I doubt it, or they would not be going out in public like this. So just b/c he is married, he could be separated, have an agreement with his wife, etc. I just feel that unless you know he is CHEATING, this is not your business. 

STARMOON44

I think you should consider if you really want her there at all. Whether or not she brings him, she considers herself to be part of a social unit with a man who already has one of those.

beardownbchs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-i-not-allow-a-guest-to-bring-a-specific-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f01a5a0d-e1c3-4158-866b-d848032369ccPost:4650a9fc-b1c9-4993-be8d-e36f5163ff3d">Can I not allow a guest to bring a specific date?</a>:
[QUOTE]A friend of mine asked me if she could bring her boyfriend to the wedding, her married boyfriend that is. There has been a lot of fall out within our friends and her family about her dating this guy (or being his mistress). So everyone knows who he is and she has chosen to debut him at my wedding. I stated that I didn't want the drama, but she insists that this is her date, why should anyone care. Can I tell her not to bring this guy or do I have to not invite her? <strong>I'm really not comfortable knowingly hosting cheaters at my wedding. 
</strong>Posted by jmhayes07[/QUOTE]

I agree with Lia on the bolded. My dad is a known cheater and he'll be at my wedding. Other people's decisions and morals are theirs and, to put it bluntly, none of your business.

If your friend considers him her boyfriend, he needs to be on her invitation. Unless, of course, the wife is invited. Then put him on her invitation. :)

ETA: I'm dumb and put the wrong PP's name. :(  Too many gorgeous ladies with beautiful wedding pics!  Aaaaand edited again because I can't spell. I need a nap.

beardownbchs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-i-not-allow-a-guest-to-bring-a-specific-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f01a5a0d-e1c3-4158-866b-d848032369ccPost:dbb61f22-09f0-40b1-a7c6-d2063f045c61">Re: Can I not allow a guest to bring a specific date?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can I not allow a guest to bring a specific date? : So you're not afraid he'll jinx the whole thing?
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

Hahaha no. I'm even letting his cheating ass walk me down the aisle! Hopefully my FI will use my dad as a great example of what NOT to do as a husband. My dad is 0 for 4 when it comes to successful marriages.

jmhayes07

He goes home to his unknowing wife and small children every night, he's not in the process of getting a divorce. I can't say that I am in a position to judge her choices or think it will jinx my marriage. But her parents are invited and they have had many vocal arguments about this and are under the impression they are no longer together. Also, this is the first time she wants to take him out in public, I didn't know if that was the best timing. It just seems like a time bomb in the making and I wanted to try to avoid that. 

OwningAHome1981

It's not your call though. Don't want the drama, don't invite her, that's all I can say. B/c unfortunately if someone is in a legit relationship (boyf/girlf, fiance, spouse) then they have to be invited with that person.

OwningAHome1981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-i-not-allow-a-guest-to-bring-a-specific-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f01a5a0d-e1c3-4158-866b-d848032369ccPost:b0e2c615-bd91-4106-8bd6-b60cbba573da">Re: Can I not allow a guest to bring a specific date?</a>:
[QUOTE]Owning a Home - How can you be in a legit romantic relationship with someone who is married?  Once again, the Knot rules on who "must" be invited, as opposed to tradional rules of spouse, fiance, or (maybe) live-in or long-term create an absurd result.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

One can still be married and have a girlfriend or boyfriend. Of course, it's wrong to do that but people do it, so it's certainly possible. It doesn't seem like the guy in question is just a friend, so therefore he will need to be invited.

And I am not one to follow the rules of "knot" etiquette as I don't agree with most of it, but it feels absolutely horrible to be invited to a wedding without a date. I know from personal experience.

Jessa617

If your friend has already been invited, which I assume she is since she asked if she could bring her boyfriend, you cannot UN-invite her. If she considers this man her boyfriend and they are in a relationship, that's not really up to you to decide whether it's a valid relationship or not. Everyone with an SO (regardless of the situation) should be invited together. If this girl knows her parents are going to be at the wedding and she doesn't want them to know she is still dating this guy, she may end up going by herself. Even if she does bring him and her parents find out, it's not really your concern. Hopefully they will be respectful enough not to cause any drama and save it for after the wedding.

So to answer your question- No you can't dictate who an invited guest brings if they are in a relationship.

BreanaThompson

I wouldn't invite them together. You guys are focused on not being rude to the friend, but what about the wife and kids? Of course your friend probably wouldn't come without him anyway. So maybe it's better to not just invite her at all. I certainally wouldn't want to encourage your friend or accept and support a relationship with someone who is married to someone else like that. Especially since you said he is living at home with the wife and kids. 

I will say that may be rude to the friend, but she is dating someone who isn't available to date since he isn't single in the first place. And while I wouldn't recommend inviting the wife, if you follow etiquette then you should invite the wife if your inviting him since they are a social unit themselves which on the forum is always emphased that you need to invite social units together. Well boyfriend is a social unit with his wife.

OwningAHome1981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-i-not-allow-a-guest-to-bring-a-specific-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f01a5a0d-e1c3-4158-866b-d848032369ccPost:c4711369-f6e3-41f1-b9f1-9b411cb3a817">Re: Can I not allow a guest to bring a specific date?</a>:
[QUOTE]Owning, I was responding to your use of "legit" to describe a relationship where one must invite the partner.   I assumed that the legit was short for legimate, and accordingly, asked how one can have a  legitimate romantic relationship if one is married.  People may be unhappy with wedding planning/invites for a number of reasons.  They may want to bring a child.  They may have wanted to be a bridesmaid.  These things happen.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

If this guy is a boyfriend, he really needs to be invited- whether he is married or not.

Jessa617

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-i-not-allow-a-guest-to-bring-a-specific-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f01a5a0d-e1c3-4158-866b-d848032369ccPost:c4711369-f6e3-41f1-b9f1-9b411cb3a817">Re: Can I not allow a guest to bring a specific date?</a>:
[QUOTE]Owning, I was responding to your use of "legit" to describe a relationship where one must invite the partner.   I assumed that the legit was short for legimate, and accordingly, asked how one can have a  legitimate romantic relationship if one is married.  People may be unhappy with wedding planning/invites for a number of reasons.  They may want to bring a child.  They may have wanted to be a bridesmaid.  These things happen.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

It's not really up to you or anyone to decide what is legit or what is not. It's up to the couple themselves. Morally you can disagree with it, but if they have a relationship and consider themselves together, then that's what it is.

Simply Fated

If you don't allow this guest to bring the guy she wants, she might choose not to attend. Are you okay with that?

Honestly, no one should care. It's never wise to throw stones.

ZiggyZos

And it only took NYU two hours to show up in a thread dealing with an "other woman". Shocking.

beardownbchs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-i-not-allow-a-guest-to-bring-a-specific-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f01a5a0d-e1c3-4158-866b-d848032369ccPost:c2bbdd84-e873-41bb-bad5-0f09ea4cc5ed">Re: Can I not allow a guest to bring a specific date?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't invite them together. You guys are focused on not being rude to the friend, but what about the wife and kids? Of course your friend probably wouldn't come without him anyway. So maybe it's better to not just invite her at all.<strong> I certainally wouldn't want to encourage your friend or accept and support a relationship with someone who is married to someone else like that. </strong>Especially since you said he is living at home with the wife and kids.  I will say that may be rude to the friend, but she is dating someone who isn't available to date since he isn't single in the first place. And while I wouldn't recommend inviting the wife, <strong>if you follow etiquette then you should invite the wife if your inviting him since they are a social unit themselves which on the forum is always emphased that you need to invite social units together. Well boyfriend is a social unit with his wife.
</strong>Posted by BreanaThompson[/QUOTE]

To the bolded - that isn't up to you. A good friend of mine is involved with a married man. I've told her I don't like it, but I'm not going to decide for her whether she should be bringing him out in social situations.

This is the same as someone saying, "I don't like that my overweight cousin wears belly shirts so I won't invite her." These things are not up to you.

ETA: To the second bolded, neither half of the married social unit would be invited normally. The boyfriend is invited because of the friend. This is one instance where I think that etiquette rule does not apply.

libby2483

Here's my two cents.

I think whether or not you have to invite him depends on a couple of things.  I think that if he is separated/in the process of divorcing his wife, and your friend considers him a boyfriend, you should invite him.  Basically, if it is clear that him and his wife are no longer together/a social unit for whatever reason, you should invite him.  

However, if he is cheating on his wife and she doesn't know it, you are under no obligation to invite him.  In this case, the man is a social unit with his wife, not your friend.

Edit: If you do not invite him, though, be prepared for your friend to decline.  Only you know if this is something that will hurt your friendship with her, and you have to decide if the action will be worth the consequences that might ensue.

OwningAHome1981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-i-not-allow-a-guest-to-bring-a-specific-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f01a5a0d-e1c3-4158-866b-d848032369ccPost:81d689dd-d11c-4ba6-bebf-543bd3d73b81">Re: Can I not allow a guest to bring a specific date?</a>:
[QUOTE] A while back here,<strong> I researched the major wedding books and "must" invites did NOT include every BF/GF, only spouse, fiance or [sometimes] live-in or long-term partner</strong>.   NOT every BF/GF.   Yes, that is the Knot rule.  It is not the universal etiquette rule. 
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

Maybe so but you can't pick and choose which couples can come together and which can't just b/c you may not like someone else's SO. I am not a knot etiquette conosseur by any means, I am doing a lot of things for my wedding that apparently go against "knot etiquette" (don't care) BUT I do think if the person is someone's SO, they really should be invited. Of course you don't HAVE to, but it is the right thing to do and if you were that guest how would you feel if you weren't invited with your boyfriend just b/c the bride or groom didn't like him?

winelover123

I'm going to disagree with the majority in this thread. If the BF is cheating on his wife and is not in the process of a separation/divorce and is not in some sort of open relationship (or has any understanding with his wife about extra-marital affairs), I don't think you are obligated to invite him as he already has a SO - his wife. He is already involved in a social unit.

However, are you sure that your friend's BF is not starting the process of a separation/divorce or has an understanding with his wife? You need to take her (ETA: meaning your friend) at her word for that one. Also, your friend very well may decline and your friendship may be hurt. If you do decide to tell her that her BF is not invited, I don't think I'd tell her, "I'm really not comfortable knowingly hosting cheaters at my wedding." That's just like a slap in the face for your friend.

vanityink

I admit I'd probably go "Sure, what's his home address so I can invite him and his family" but I'm snarky like that.

mandi195

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-i-not-allow-a-guest-to-bring-a-specific-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f01a5a0d-e1c3-4158-866b-d848032369ccPost:8e392eb4-38d8-45a7-b234-cb898f3e4f89">Re: Can I not allow a guest to bring a specific date?</a>:
[QUOTE]I admit I'd probably go "Sure, what's his home address so I can invite him and his family" but I'm snarky like that.
Posted by jessicadall[/QUOTE]
This... Only I'd say "I'd be happy to invite him, what's his address?" And then send the invite to Mr. & Mrs. Cheating Asshat

Amyzen83

I'm sorry, I know I'm going to get flogged here, but I honestly do not count cheating couples legitimate couples if one of them is married to someone else, because I believe it's morally wrong.
 
However, if I were in your position, I would invite neither of them to avoid unnessesary drama, it already looks like your other friends have put her on their S--- list anyway.

lyndausvi

::shrugs::

I invited my MIL's married-BF of 20+ to my wedding.      He couldn't make it because of work and our wedding was OOT.  (MIL and him spent weekends in Atlantic City all the time, so because it was OOT was not the issue).   He sent a nice card with a  fat envelope instead.  

If you are inviting the rest of your friends a plus one, then you need to give her one also.   Just say "and guest".   You don't have to invite the wife because he is not actually personally invited, he is just the guest of an invitee, different rules apply.  If you are not giving everyone a plus one use then I guess you don't have to give one.

I would be surprised if someone who is still with their wife and kids would actually go to the wedding.   MIL's BF and wife must have and an understanding of some sort because they were seen in public often.    BF has attended a lot of family events with MIL. She didn't attend social events on his side though. Strange? yep. Worked for them for 20+ years, who am I to judge?
 

MobKaz

A friend of mine asked me if she could bring her boyfriend to the wedding, her married boyfriend that is. There has been a lot of fall out within our friends and her family about her dating this guy (or being his mistress). So everyone knows who he is and she has chosen to debut him at my wedding. I stated that I didn't want the drama, but she insists that this is her date, why should anyone care. Can I tell her not to bring this guy or do I have to not invite her? I'm really not comfortable knowingly hosting cheaters at my wedding. 

He goes home to his unknowing wife and small children every night, he's not in the process of getting a divorce. I can't say that I am in a position to judge her choices or think it will jinx my marriage. But her parents are invited and they have had many vocal arguments about this and are under the impression they are no longer together. Also, this is the first time she wants to take him out in public, I didn't know if that was the best timing. It just seems like a time bomb in the making and I wanted to try to avoid that. 
This "friend" is aware that her relationship with this man creates arguments and drama.  Knowing this, she insists on bringing him to your wedding, knowing full well that people will and do care.  She is inconsiderate, thoughtless, and selfish.  Not how I would define a friend.
In my mind your obligation is to be a proper host to ALL your guests.  Inviting this ONE friend and her "date" will compromise the comfort of all other guests.  In this case, I think you need to show consideration to the majority of your guests.  

erinlin25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-i-not-allow-a-guest-to-bring-a-specific-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f01a5a0d-e1c3-4158-866b-d848032369ccPost:b38c18a5-3dc7-40e3-8fb9-1e2bdcf97b8d">Re: Can I not allow a guest to bring a specific date?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>He goes home to his unknowing wife and small children every night,</strong> he's not in the process of getting a divorce. I can't say that I am in a position to judge her choices or think it will jinx my marriage.<strong> But her parents are invited </strong>and they have had many vocal arguments about this and are under the impression they are no longer together. Also, this is the first time she wants to take him out in public, I didn't know if that was the best timing. It just seems like a time bomb in the making and I wanted to try to avoid that. 
Posted by jmhayes07[/QUOTE]

This is a disaster waiting to happen.  I could be wrong, but since he is married and not in process of a separation or divorce I think it would be absolutely sh1tty of your friend and HIM to flaunt this at your wedding in front of her parents.  I don't see how he can be someone's boyfriend while he someone elses husband.  This would not be OK with me either.  Does he know his in-laws will be there!? And yet he would have the balls to show up with his girlfriend NOT his wife?  I agree it is not appropriate but I can also see where you technically should not dictate who your friend can and cannot bring.  However, I would think your "friend" would know this is not an appropriate time to show off her new "boyfriend!?"