Suddenly divorcing guests invitation etiquette...

kristinhertzog

In the past month, two separate guests out of 41 total guests have decided to separate from their spouses. In both situations the invitations were addressed to the husband and wife. In one situation only the husband rsvp'd but he has asked to bring a date. In the other situation both husband and wife rsvp'd, but now the wife wants to bring a different date instead. Our wedding is small and friends and family only. We don't know either of the people that the guests wanted to bring as dates. However we are friends with the spouses, so this poses a really awkward situation. Therefore, we asked them to not bring dates. My question is, am I out of line for refusing the extra guests?

Calypso1977

normally i would say you are not out of line.

however, for some people, attending a big social event alone, just coming out of a marriage, might be really hard and they might enjoy having a safety net wtih them.  and clearly you have the money in your budget since you had a total of 4 people in the headcount to begin with.

kristinhertzog

it's not a budget issue but more of an attempt to avoid creating hard feelings. Neither couple is officially divorced and in the one situation the spouse doesn't know a divorce is coming yet. Photos and videos of the wedding will be up on Facebook and I don't want hurt feelings or anger to be created when the not-yet-divorced spouses see them. Or worse to be used in divorce proceedings (i.e. accusations of cheating, etc). I would be okay if they wanted to bring a family member or friend, but I kind of worry about what if the separation gets called off or there's a reconciliation. Does that make sense?

Calypso1977

if that person is parading someone around before theyve even told their spouse their leaving, then that's pretty bad (and stupid on their part) for the reasons you state in that it could be used against them in the divorce.  but that's really their problem, not yours.

many people do often date others before the divorce is final - this is in part because some divorces take YEARS and then in many situations, the marriage is over long before papers are even filed.  sounds like in one of your cases, the person probably cheated, but i they want to get busted, that's on them, not you, and the spouse shouldnt blame you or your wedding.

Maggie0829

I do not think you are out of line.  In fact I think your guests in this situation are out of line.  The invitations were addressed to specific people not "Mr and Mrs. Whatnot or Mrs Whatnot and guest just in case of a possible separation from Mr. Whatnot."

Even if they weren't separating but one person of the couple couldn't make it because of another reason they shouldn't be able to brings some random person just becasue.  KWIM?

I think you should politely tell them that you are sorry but that you will not be able to accomodate any additional guests.  And then leave it at that.  And repeat if necessary.

s-aries8990

Are you allowing other guests +1's (truly single guests bringing "dates" - not GFs/BFs)?

If you ARE then I would say allow them to bring guests because it's not fair to them that just because they are getting a divorce they don't have that extra courtesy, if you AREN'T, then I think you're ok refusing the extra people.

But, as Calypso said, divorce is tough and it's nice to allow these individuals to provide a safety net.

Feelings will be hurt even if your wedding event didn't exist - it's the nature of divorce. Don't worry about how your wedding will come "into play" for divorce proceedings. It's nunya so do your best not to put yourself into the middle of these situations.

Jager1219

What Maggie said.  Invitations are nontransferrable.

Jen4948

Well, I can understand that divorce makes things uncomfortable, but at the same time, they should not be asking to bring new dates because they don't plan to accompany each other (especially if one doesn't even know that their spouse is divorcing them).

So I agree with Maggie.  Tell them that you cannot accommodate dates for them at your wedding.

kristinhertzog

Thanks all for the responses, the other single/ unmarried guests are all coming alone (their choice) so the separated guests won't be the only singles by any means. I'm just hoping to avoid stepping on anyone's toes.

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_suddenly-divorcing-guests-invitation-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0242bd0-d6c4-4976-8a5c-295e6714dc71Post:d4514f1b-8f7e-4ad1-b157-6d42e1bbc54e">Re: Suddenly divorcing guests invitation etiquette...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks all for the responses, the other single/ unmarried guests are all coming alone (their choice) so the separated guests won't be the only singles by any means.<strong> I'm just hoping to avoid stepping on anyone's toes.</strong>
Posted by kristinhertzog[/QUOTE]

They're stepping on YOUR toes by asking you to increase your guest list after the invitations went out. It's their divorce and their problem.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_suddenly-divorcing-guests-invitation-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0242bd0-d6c4-4976-8a5c-295e6714dc71Post:e57839a6-cb3b-4fbf-8c98-9e649e56478f">Re: Suddenly divorcing guests invitation etiquette...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Suddenly divorcing guests invitation etiquette... : They're stepping on YOUR toes by asking you to increase your guest list after the invitations went out. It's their divorce and their problem.
Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

100% this.

mlg78

What Maggie said!  She's a such a wise one!

And shame on these so-called "friends" for putting you in such a difficult predicament!  I'd hate to be in your shoes.

kristinhertzog

I appreciate it ladies! I understand these things happen but I was just kind of 1. shocked and 2. completely at a loss for what was the best way to handle the situation.

cbrown828

I completely agree with Maggie. You don't know what kind of drama might come to your wedding day by allow these not-yet-divorced people to bring whoever they are seeing at the moment. Also, keep in mind that if they are newly separated, these new relationships could be rebounds and may not last until the wedding. Your guest list is what it is. In this case, I say stick to it.

kristinhertzog

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_suddenly-divorcing-guests-invitation-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0242bd0-d6c4-4976-8a5c-295e6714dc71Post:5dd8b51f-74f0-4a84-b91b-db8219ea228a">Re: Suddenly divorcing guests invitation etiquette...</a>:
[QUOTE]I completely agree with Maggie. You don't know what kind of drama might come to your wedding day by allow these not-yet-divorced people to bring whoever they are seeing at the moment. Also, keep in mind that if they are newly separated, these new relationships could be rebounds and may not last until the wedding. Your guest list is what it is. In this case, I say stick to it.
Posted by cbrown828[/QUOTE]
 This was pretty much how I was feeling. Thank you!!

[Deleted User]

I mean, you kind of are. I understand that it's your wedding, but  to refuse someone's date to a wedding will cause more trouble than it's worth. I'd delve out the extra cash to pay for these guests. This really does not have to be an awkward situation for you or your husband. These are grown adults, their little divorce/dating/hook up situation is none of your business. Don't let this stress you out, you already have enough on your plate already with just planning the wedding. Hope everything works out!

Envy789

I completely agree with maggie. The guest list is as is! It will mostly likely, bring more drama and awkwardness in allowing these people to bring dates. Especially if the dates don't know a thing that's going on.