check out what she wrote on my reply card!! what do to???

jennifer15522

So I got this reply card back for my wedding. A little background--my fiancee and I are having an intimate wedding of 90 family members and very close friends on a motor yacht, so no dates unless you are married or engaged and I let all my guests know this and they are cool with it. They all know each other very well and no ones a stranger if they were to come as single. This reply  is one of my moms good friends who has had an off-on boyfriend of less than 1 year that I have never met. She just sent this card back...no phone call or anything. I mean for a grown woman, come on. We could have talked to her about it. Her daugher is supposted to be one of my bridesmaids. I'm seriously contemplating not having her in the wedding party anymore. It will just be wierd. What does everyone think of this and has anyone had this happen to them before?

wadingmoose

I wouldn't drop the daughter from the wedding party for something her mother did. 

i have no idea what to suggest about the boyfriend but it would appear she's offended that she was invited by herself.

louisvillebride21

Don't jump to kicking out her daughter. That's childish. Just call her and explain that you don't have the space for dates and you made the cut off at engaged and married. Tell her you hope she can still make it, but understands if she cant.

karenwjackm

Louisville has it right.  And as long as she'll know others there, don't feel obligated to give in to her.  A phone call is a nice (yet difficult if you shy from confrontation) way to explain it to her.

LauraT25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_check-out-she-wrote-reply-card?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0483b2d-037e-4f84-82bb-9805db305f13Post:231c3512-d8b2-4569-a609-910f06f743eb">check out what she wrote on my reply card!! what do to???</a>:
[QUOTE]So I got this reply card back for my wedding. A little background--my fiancee and I are having an intimate wedding of 90 family members and very close friends on a motor yacht, so no dates unless you are married or engaged and<strong> I let all my guests know this and they are cool with it</strong>. They all know each other very well and no ones a stranger if they were to come as single. This reply  is one of my moms good friends who has had an off-on boyfriend of less than 1 year that I have never met. She just sent this card back...no phone call or anything. I mean for a grown woman, come on. We could have talked to her about it. Her daugher is supposted to be one of my bridesmaids. I'm seriously contemplating not having her in the wedding party anymore. It will just be wierd. What does everyone think of this and has anyone had this happen to them before?
Posted by jennifer15522[/QUOTE]

That doesn't appear to be the case.

I think it would be really immature to drop the bridesmaid, and I don't see why it would be 'awkward' to keep her - certainly not more awkward than kicking her out, anyway.

It is pretty rude for this woman to write that on the card, but you have to decide whether to let her bring the boyfriend or not, and then give her a call, or have your mom call her, with the news.

shoegal715

What a bitch. (Her - not you.) 

I would call her and act fake nice and say you cannot accommodate him, but you still hope she can come. But just make sure you are keeping with the policy of no dates for everyone else. 

cococabanagrl

I agree with ShoeGal. Call and explain. But, you cant change it for just one person.

ljewel422

Ugh, if it was me, I'd revoke her invite but I'm a spiteful little beeyotch.

Or, you can just call her and tell her that you're very sorry, but no one was invited with a guest unless they were engaged or married.

Celles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_check-out-she-wrote-reply-card?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0483b2d-037e-4f84-82bb-9805db305f13Post:ba7df800-54f7-472a-890a-9d69ee7eb920">Re: check out what she wrote on my reply card!! what do to???</a>:
[QUOTE]Ugh, if it was me, I'd revoke her invite but I'm a spiteful little beeyotch. Or, you can just call her and tell her that you're very sorry, but no one was invited with a guest unless they were engaged or married.
Posted by ljewel422[/QUOTE]

Seriously?  You'd revoke the daughter's bridesmaid status because the mother sent back a rude response card?

Edit: I misread that!  I see now that you're revoking the mother's invite.  Sorry for misunderstanding.

Shawnee11507

What is wrong with this lady? Who does that?!? I would've called you or asked around if I was wondering about my bf being invited, not mail you that crap. I would take it as a "no" and tell her daughter I was sad when I got her mom's response card and she apparently declined- b/c she didn't check either box.

Her daughter must be a friend of yours if she is a BM, no? Why would you kick her out just b/c of that reply by her mom?

ljewel422

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_check-out-she-wrote-reply-card?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0483b2d-037e-4f84-82bb-9805db305f13Post:ca1f5c82-d2b3-45be-b0e4-d9e608cda362">Re: check out what she wrote on my reply card!! what do to???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: check out what she wrote on my reply card!! what do to??? : Seriously?  You'd revoke the daughter's bridesmaid status because the mother sent back a rude response card? Edit: I misread that!  I see now that you're revoking the mother's invite.  Sorry for misunderstanding.
Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]

Oh yeah. I would never revoke the bridesmaid's status just because her mom was a moron.

hugz415

I had a similar thing happen.  One of my mom's close friends is still legally married to her husband but they are not really together anymore.  They were sharing a house as roommates while they were waiting for the housing market to turn around.  Both were dating other people. Weird, I know.  My mom's friend wrote my mom a NASTY email when she found out we didn't invite her estranged husband.  She sent her RSVP back with regrets.  I let my mom handle it.  Its her friend and her childish behaviour.  If she is willing to have a chat with her friend that is probably the best route.

As for the BM, if she is a good friend then don't let her mother's poor manners effect your friendship.

Simply Fated

The way she handled this is not ok. She needs a phone call so you canlet her know that unfortunately you can not accomdate the extra person due to the capacity of the venue (or what ever).
Or you can bite the bullet and let it go... Honestly, I'd be more inclined to let it go if she had handled the situation better and called you, insetad of sending back the RSVP card like that. It was really immature of her.

Inviting only fiances and spouses can be a slippery slope, since you can't always be sure who is in a stable, long term relationship based on actual status anymore.

tldh

Mom's friend = Mom's problem to deal with.

Don't drag this woman's daughter into it.  I'd be mortified if my mom ever did anything like this.

NuggetBrain

If your mom is paying for any part of this, and since it's her good friend, I'd think it would be okay to have her deal with it.  But for Godssake, don't kick the daughter out because the mom is crazy.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I'm going to take the other path. That was the eipitome of passive-aggressive beyotch for her to write that on the card. But I have to vehementally disagree about not inviting a person's boyfriend. If someone is in a relationship, they should absolutely be invited with their partner. I understand budget and space constraints, really. But this woman is a close friend of the family and has a boyfriend. If I had been invited to a wedding without FI before we were engaged just because we were "only dating" I would have declined.

LauraT25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_check-out-she-wrote-reply-card?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0483b2d-037e-4f84-82bb-9805db305f13Post:82b3f4cc-a9a8-4b87-b9e5-b152143a5355">Re: check out what she wrote on my reply card!! what do to???</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to take the other path. That was the eipitome of passive-aggressive beyotch for her to write that on the card. But I have to vehementally disagree about not inviting a person's boyfriend. If someone is in a relationship, they should absolutely be invited with their partner. I understand budget and space constraints, really. But this woman is a close friend of the family and has a boyfriend . If I had been invited to a wedding without FI before we were engaged just because we were "only dating" I would have declined.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

I agree.

K Byte

She said it was an on-again/off-again relationship of less than a year, though. If they're not living together, I don't think she was in the wrong to just invite her single. (If they are living together then I obviously retract that statement.)

JanoBean75

I sort of agree with Mery, but if this boyfriend is on again/off again, I'd probably not invite him either. Maybe they were off when the invitations were mailed. If I could choose between Mr. Off Again and another friend of mine (not a boyfriend of a friend of my mom's), I'd go with my own friend.

CLSchramm

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_check-out-she-wrote-reply-card?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0483b2d-037e-4f84-82bb-9805db305f13Post:b83fe182-bdec-4786-968a-5ad65e84ee3e">Re: check out what she wrote on my reply card!! what do to???</a>:
[QUOTE]She said it was an on-again/off-again relationship of less than a year, though. If they're not living together, I don't think she was in the wrong to just invite her single. (If they are living together then I obviously retract that statement.)
Posted by K Byte[/QUOTE]

I second this. We have several friends who are in these kinds of relationships: you might invite the sig. other only to have them break up the week the invites go out. If there's truly a limited space, and she said there was, you have to draw the line somewhere. Why should she have to reserve a place for a person that may or may not be welcome by the time the wedding rolls around?

banana468

I'm going to agree with msmery.

It's not for you to judge the relationship.  DH and I were serious when we were together for under a year.  The older couples I know were serious in even less time.

She was passive-aggressive and rude.  But you're no less rude if you decide that her daughter is no longer a BM because of her actions.

And despite her rudeness, you were rude not to invite her SO.  Don't judge the length of people's relationships to decide what is or isn't valid.  Invite adults in relationships with their SOs.  Learn from your mistake, be the bigger person and apologize.

Audrey&Austin

I don't see why you would revoke the daughter as a BM. Call, or have your mom call, and let her know that you cannot accomodate her boyfriend. If you let her bring her boyfriend, and since you say your guests are all close and know each other, your guests would be upset that she brought her on-again-off-again and they couldn't bring their SO. If she wont come without him, so be it. Her loss.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

If they're known to be on-again off-again, I'd probably invite her with a plus one, just in case they were on-again come wedding time. (Actually that IS what I'm doing.) I'm a believer in thinking about who I want to invite, making them feel comfortable (by inviting their dates), and figuring out how to pay for that amount. Sure, I could invite, say, a coworker if I didn't give my brother a plus one, but I'd rather make my nearest and dearest happy.

I know you don't *have* to give everyone a plus one, but I disagree with the overwhelming view on this board that you can just pick a line and draw it. Like Banana said, some people become serious much faster than others. And living together isn't always that line. I think if someone can claim they have a "boyfriend" and has introduced that person as such, they can be considered a couple/social unit.

LauraT25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_check-out-she-wrote-reply-card?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0483b2d-037e-4f84-82bb-9805db305f13Post:2e8de5ac-fd76-467e-88ad-8b304b2dac2e">Re: check out what she wrote on my reply card!! what do to???</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't see why you would revoke the daughter as a BM. Call, or have your mom call, and let her know that you cannot accomodate her boyfriend. If you let her bring her boyfriend, and since you say your guests are all close and know each other<strong>, your guests would be upset that she brought her on-again-off-again and they couldn't bring their SO</strong>. If she wont come without him, so be it. Her loss.
Posted by Audrey&Austin[/QUOTE]

There shouldn't be other guests who couldn't bring their SOs.

banana468

Exactly Laura.  You should be inviting all guests with their SOs.

And living together is not a good measure.  I didn't live with DH until we were engaged but we were definitely serious at that point.

No one wants to feel marginalized  - and this friend of your mother is feeling marginalized by the younger generation.  You made a mistake here.  Own up and fix it.

hugz415

Ok so I get that the rule books may say you should be inviting every guest who has a SO even if they were only dating a week.  But in the real world some of us have large families (my dad is the oldest of 8, I am the oldest of 27 grandchildren)and budgets to worry about so what is more offensive...not inviting the SO or cutting out your friend completely bc you can't afford to invite them with their SO?

Midgetth

This isn't her daughters fault so don't take it out on her. And yes that seems to be what you are doing. You need to be a grown up and either write her an email or call her & explain to her that you cut it off at engaged and married couples only. And let her know that everyone else who has a boyfriend or girlfriend will not be bringing them because you can not afford to nor do you have room to have them all there.

jillross

Sorry but I agree with some of the above - it the date wasn't invited then she shouldn't have been as well. When an invite list is put together you have to assume singles are plus one. In anycase what's done is done and her behaviour is inappropriate. 

As for her daughter I wouldn't bumb her because of her mother - if she's a BM maybe she can talk to her mom and calm her down a little for you. 

mstar284

I would be offended if I couldn't bring my FI (well when he was my boyfriend). We had just as much "validity" as a couple a month ago as we do now as an engaged couple. Sharing events like this with your SO makes it more fun. I would be upset if my FI was invited to a wedding and I wasn't allowed to go. 

I wouldn't think to invite her estranged husband either. But maybe she would like to bring someone to accompany her.

salt78

She has terrible handwriting. 

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_check-out-she-wrote-reply-card?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0483b2d-037e-4f84-82bb-9805db305f13Post:99e28c0b-435c-4ca4-bae3-209319b36b1a">Re: check out what she wrote on my reply card!! what do to???</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok so I get that the rule books may say you should be inviting every guest who has a SO even if they were only dating a week.  But in the real world some of us have large families (my dad is the oldest of 8, I am the oldest of 27 grandchildren)and budgets to worry about so what is more offensive...not inviting the SO or cutting out your friend completely bc you can't afford to invite them with their SO?
Posted by hugz415[/QUOTE]

DH and I are no strangers to big families.  My mom and his dad are each one of six.  He has 23 first cousins and they have many children.  We budgeted to invite all adults with a guest - and it was a great thing we did.  His cousin and his girlfriend attended our wedding and we attended THEIR wedding just 9 months ago.  I would have felt AWFUL if we excluded them. 

The OP KNEW that this person was in a relationship for quite a while.  Even if it was on again and off again, the thing to do is to be on the side of respect for the couple - not to make assumptions.