Alcohol dilemma

antandbee

I have a somewhat strange dilemma.  FI and I are planning to have a wedding with limited alcohol consumption.  Reason 1: Ever since I can remember I have had a vomit phobia, and have been to plenty of weddings where too much alcohol resulted in that occurring.  Reason 2: We are going to be married in the church, with the reception to follow at the church hall.  I feel that out of respect we should keep the drinking to a minimum anyway - kind of the way I was raised, I feel a little uncomfortable about "drunk at church".  We are planning to have wine on the tables, along with champagne for a toast. 

So, my question is, how can we tastefully request that people don't bring booze to the wedding or show up hammered?  I don't mind if they go to a bar afterward and drink as much as they want, but on our wedding day I would prefer to not spend it paranoid because of my stupid phobia.  I just want to have a good time and enjoy celebrating with my family and friends.  I trust that our friends will respect that, but have been told people will bring their own alcohol anyway.  FI agrees with me and has my back on this.  How do I get the message across tastefully? 

strlzfan11

Does the church allow you to brink alcohol into the reception hall?  Mine alowed it for my grandmother's second wedding (wine toast only) as long as nobody underage participated, but there were only 25-30 people there (and that number might be high).

Check your church's policy before you start thinking about purchasing anything.

LesPaul

You can't make this request tastefully.  What time of day is your wedding?  Do you honestly expect your guests will show up to a church wedding with a bottle in the glove box or already several drinks in?  Do you honestly expect to see your guests vomiting from overcosumption outside your church venue?

I do agree with respecting that the venue is a church and not encouraging people to drink to excess.  We did beer wine with a champagne toast, and no one was hammered (we were not in a church).  Now, I don't know your guest list, so I can't say what people will do, but you can't announce or ask people not to drink on the way to the ceremony.  I'm hoping that your concerns are overblown.

Simply Fated

So, my question is, how can we tastefully request that people don't bring booze to the wedding or show up hammered?

Do either of those things usually happen at weddings you attend? o.o
I mean, you are having at a church... I would hope everyone would be somewhat respectful and not sneak booze inside or show up already drunk.

sbc2013

I am sure you will get responses on the etiquette of this from others, but here's my two cents on the practicality of it: However you say it, if you tell your guests not to bring alcohol, you will only be perpetuating their decision to bring alcohol. I personally would just listen to you, but I attended a wedding with FI where "dry wedding" was listed on the invitation. Guess what FI and future in-laws chose to do? Drink before hand, and bring alcohol. I'm not a big drinker, but I don't think you need to tell guests to please not hide a flask in their suit. If nothing about alcohol was mentioned, I wouldn't think to myself, "Well, I guess I should drink beforehand/put a keg in the trunk, since she didn't mention there would be cocktails." Just my thoughts, though.

lyndausvi

Off all the things to be worried about drinking at a wedding your Reason #1 is silliest thing I have every heard.

I'm Catholic, so I don't get reason #2 either.  Our halls have built in bars and tabs.  

::shrugs::

To answer your question.  If you think people bringing alcohol to the wedding will be an issue sure you can say something.  (it's something I've never heard of guests doing, but whatever.)   

Asking to not show up hammered puts you in bridezilla territory.   IME those who show up hammered would not listen to you anyways.  Those who wouldn't would be wondering why you felt the need to even bring up the subject.

Simply Fated

I'm going to totally agree with sbc and lynda....
If you're afraid people are going to bring alcohol and show up drunk because that's the sort of thing they do... you telling them not to isn't going to stop them.

Summer2011Bride

Is it normal for people in your circle to bring their own alcohol to weddings? I'm assuming you mean they'll try to sneak in a flask or something? I just find that weird, but maybe it's a thing in your circle. If so, I  think the best way to go about it is bring it up individually with friends who have said they were planning on doing this or who have done this in the past. Just maybe, "Hey, it's not going to be cool to bring in a flask to our wedding since it's at a church. They're going to frown on it, but we will be providing some wine and champagne." I think if you are close friends with someone, saying this shouldn't be offensive. And again, I would only say this if someone brings up, "Hey, we're gonna sneak a flask in at your wedding" or something that tells you they will, not just go up to every guest and say this.

Beyond that, i wouldn't say anything and trust your guests to know how to act at a church wedding. Especially if it's a day wedding, I don't think anyone would show up plastered. I mean, if they do, it's going to reflect poorly on them and there's not much you can do.

Loopyseven

I agree with Lynda and SF.  The people who would do something like that will not be deterred by you telling them not to, and you'll likely only offend those who know better.

antandbee

Well, one of my bridesmaid's husband downed a bottle in his car at our Engagement Party, knowing I have a strong aversion to being around drunk people... not a prude, just have a phobia of throwing up.  I know it is irrational to most of you, but for me it's very real.  I would imagine that the day wouldn't be very fun for me if I had to worry about that happening, and I have been to a couple weddings where it did, so I just want to cover my bases before it happens.  I'm sure it sounds silly but I can assure you I am far from a bridezilla, or I wouldn't even be considering the etiquette behind this question.  I just want everyone to have a good time and I want to have happy memories of the day without being afraid.  People brought bottles in their car to my brother's wedding (daytime) and were trashed at the reception.  I am providing dinner wine and champagne toast, so I'm not trying to kill everyone's fun, just want it to be respectful of our wishes...

katehar01

I can see you're kind of in a tough situation, OP, especially if it's somewhat the norm in your circle to bring alcohol to weddings.  But unfortunately, there's really no good way to say to people "don't get irresponsibly trashed at my wedding."  As others have said, people who would do that will ignore you, and those that wouldn't will be offended. 

I would say all you can do is a) talk to people that you're close to who you're concerned about (i.e. your BMs about their husbands).  Hopefully you could explain it to close friends in a way that wouldn't be too offensive.  b) make no mention of what's being served on the invite, and don't really give people details.  In my area, open bar is the norm, so if that's true for you, people might assume that if you don't say otherwise (and therefore not bring anything).

GL OP!  I'm sure it won't be a huge issue, although I understand your phobia makes you anxious.

sbc2013

I don't think you fear is irrational; I don't think we get to judge. I just am not sure how you could convey to your guests that they CANNOT do something BEFORE they arrive to your ceremony/reception without some scoffing from your guests. The same goes for keeping them from walking outside, drinking and coming back in, unless you want to enforce some, "Can't leave and return," rule. 

This is sounding a little ridiculous even to me, but will you have a DOC, or is there someone else at the venue that could be in charge of cutting off belligerently drunk guests? Note that I think this would be RUDE--these people are (presumably) adults and should be able to handle their own alcohol consumption. But if you are adamant about not having a single drunk guest, I don't see another option. 

Having said that, I don't think it would be a bad idea to get yourself used to the thought of what is unlikely, yet possible: someone might vomit. It happens, not just at weddings. I don't really think TK is the venue for exposure therapy, but I would hate for you to spend your day paranoid and worried, and since I don't think you can control your guests' behavior off-site, spending some time working on this phobia might not be the worst idea ever. 

ETA: I think the suggestions katehar01 gives above are much better than mine. 

Simply Fated

Well, one of my bridesmaid's husband downed a bottle in his car at our Engagement Party, knowing I have a strong aversion to being around drunk people

Right, so what can you say this time that will stop him? What I mean is, we can brainstorm plenty of ideas on polite ways to phrase things, but you already know from experience that telling someone to leave the booze at home and don't show up drunk doesn't work.
I totally get that you don't want people throwing up and that's fine, but I'm not sure telling them "no" is a good idea.

katehar01

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcohol-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1033adb-52df-44fc-804e-fa81a7ed0c82Post:2324591e-0d7f-46d5-b5ca-56fb29212bdc">Re: Alcohol dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]Having said that, I don't think it would be a bad idea to get yourself used to the thought of what is unlikely, yet possible: someone might vomit. It happens, not just at weddings. I don't really think TK is the venue for exposure therapy, but I would hate for you to spend your day paranoid and worried, and since I don't think you can control your guests' behavior off-site, spending some time working on this phobia might not be the worst idea ever.
Posted by sbc2013[/QUOTE]

This, also.  Not to imply you're not working on it, OP, maybe you are.  But if not, it's something to think about.  People vomit - from drinking, or just from being legitimately sick.  If you plan to have children one day, they WILL vomit. A lot.  Obviously this might not be something you can resolve by your wedding, but just a thought.

RebeccaB88

I unfortunately have to agree with Stage.  If your phobia is truly this severe, you do need to be seeking help for it. (And you might already be, but I didn't see you mention it.)  People throw up. It's part of life, albeit a distasteful part.  Kids throw up A LOT.  As in, if you can't get on top of this phobia, you probably shouldn't have kids, because you have to deal with it.  And you really can't go around to people telling them to please be sober at the wedding so they don't throw up.  Someone might even attempt to throw up just because you made such a big issue over it.  Granted, bringing booze to a purposely dry wedding and getting trashed on it isn't a very mannerly thing to do either, but you can't demand they don't do it.  Your phobia is no one else's problem but yours, and it's not up to your guests to protect you from it.  It sounds like you have a very supportive FI, so maybe he can help you find someone to work with on this so you don't have to live your life in fear.

Blue_Bird

"how can we tastefully request that people don't bring booze to the wedding or show up hammered?"

You can't.  That said, where in the world do you live that vomiting and guests showing up drunk or with alcohol in tow is common?  Good Lord.  If you feel you mus say something, mention it to the people who told you it would happen.  I have to assume that if they are rude enough to bring alcohol however, they will do what they want to do anyhow.

DramaGeek

We both come from hard partying families with hard core drinkers. Wee had a dry wedding. No one came drunk, no one brought their own booze, and everyone was on the dance floor having a great time. The fact that people would be so disrespectful and immature add to show up hammered would lead me to decide not to invite those people.

MrsBradshaw2014

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcohol-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1033adb-52df-44fc-804e-fa81a7ed0c82Post:29ed0fb9-0725-42b3-a742-c1fee8ea67a2">Re: Alcohol dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]Off all the things to be worried about drinking at a wedding your Reason #1 is silliest thing I have every heard. I'm Catholic, so I don't get reason #2 either.  Our halls have built in bars and tabs.   ::shrugs:: To answer your question.  If you think people bringing alcohol to the wedding will be an issue sure you can say something.  (it's something I've never heard of guests doing, but whatever.)    Asking to not show up hammered puts you in bridezilla territory.    IME those who show up hammered would not listen to you anyways.  Those who wouldn't would be wondering why you felt the need to even bring up the subject.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Reason #1 isn't silly at all. Many people have these phobias. Maybe its because so many people don't understand the severity of something like this, but I do because I have the same thing. Don't make her feel bad because you think it's silly.

</div>

MrsBradshaw2014

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcohol-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1033adb-52df-44fc-804e-fa81a7ed0c82Post:413e647e-b158-4e60-ab0b-7579c6c6687f">Re: Alcohol dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, one of my bridesmaid's husband downed a bottle in his car at our Engagement Party, knowing I have a strong aversion to being around drunk people... not a prude, just have a phobia of throwing up.  I know it is irrational to most of you, but for me it's very real.  I would imagine that the day wouldn't be very fun for me if I had to worry about that happening, and I have been to a couple weddings where it did, so I just want to cover my bases before it happens.  I'm sure it sounds silly but I can assure you I am far from a bridezilla, or I wouldn't even be considering the etiquette behind this question.  I just want everyone to have a good time and I want to have happy memories of the day without being afraid.  People brought bottles in their car to my brother's wedding (daytime) and were trashed at the reception.  I am providing dinner wine and champagne toast, so I'm not trying to kill everyone's fun, just want it to be respectful of our wishes...
Posted by antandbee[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm sure I might get some grief from this from others as well, but I totally get where you are coming from OP. The best way you can tell people not to bring alcohol is to just let them know it's going to be a dry wedding besides wine served with dinner and the champagne toast. It's a wedding at a church, I would hope people would respect your wishes. If you see someone way too drunk for your liking, ask them to leave. You have the right to do so. If you see someone sneaking in alcohol or making a bunch of trips to the parking lot confront them. We are having a dry wedding for that same reason, that's why we chose a place that doesn't allow alcohol. I've learned over the years that people aren't going to understand the phobia and many will try to push it as far as they can to test you. Until you put your foot down, they just aren't going to understand. Talk to your bridesmaid for sure about her hubby.. if she's really your friend she will understand. I wish you the best of luck with your wedding. If you need to talk about anything else, feel free to contact me!!</div>

jessicabessica

I don't really see how telling people it will be dry beforehand will encourage them not to pre-game or BYOB, but YMMV.  

I wouldn't say anything, for reasons mentioned by PP.  I would talk to someone at the venue, or a DOC (consider hiring one, or a security-type person, if you weren't planning on it), to be on the lookout for people w/flasks.  However, I strongly encourage you to consider therapy for your phobia, if you are not already doing so.  You don't need to live paralyzed by fear and paranoia--not on your wedding day, not ever.  (Also, not sure if you plan to have kids or not, but if so, vomiting will probably become a known occurence for you--I'm sure I'm just pointing out the obvious here.)

nextrightthing

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcohol-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1033adb-52df-44fc-804e-fa81a7ed0c82Post:b392d288-168c-4f62-96e1-4589ef92e1d8">Re:Alcohol dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you have a phobia of vomit or of drunk people? The two aren't usually inherently inclusive, and even when they are, it often happens at a toilet. You sound like this is a severe phobia and you should be seeking treatment for it. Your therapist will be able to help you come up with some coping techniques for dealing with your anxiety over this issue. But to answer your question, there is no tactful way to do this, because accusing your guests of being sloppy drunks is never tactful and that is exactly what this would imply.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

This.  I truly don't mean to be mean, but I think a therapist could help you be able to enjoy your wedding!  I highly doubt you will be confronted with vomit at your wedding, even if a guest happens to come drunk.  I think it is unlikely anyone will, because your wedding is at a church and most people know better. 

mica178

I would think that most guests upon seeing that a wedding reception was going to be at a church would not show up drunk or carry flasks.  If I knew someone was so disrespectful as to show up to a wedding hammered, I might reconsider the invitation (obviously before the invitation or STD was sent).

Therapy is a good idea.  Vomit is gross, but if you are really that worried about people vomiting at your wedding (usually a very rare thing), you need to consider counseling.

AdeleDazeem

Antandbee - I also have a vomit phobia.  I've had it since I was 10 years old (I'm now 31).  I recently sought treatment to get over it and wrote a blog about it.  People will tell you it's irrational and crazy - I know.  People will tell you to get over it - I know.  People won't understand unless they've been through it. 

When you are ready to face it, there is help out there.  I started from being completely unable to even watch a vomit scene in a movie and, eight weeks later, I youtube videos of idiot 18 year old boys chugging beers, milk, and eat too many pies. 

I know right now might not be the best time to start - you have a lot of other stressful things going on - but keep it in the back of your mind.

Good luck!

EDIT: PM me if you want to read the blog (it has a lot of information about treatment in it).

tpender13

OP, I'm just going to agree with PPs and say there is no nice way to tell people not to get shitfaced. If you don't mention anything about what kind of alcohol will or won't be there, perhaps your guests won't think to bring their own liquor. The one dry wedding I've been to was in a church basement. I sure did go out to a parking lot with my now inlaws for some wine a few times. We didn't get hammered, come inside, and vomit all over the place though. I totally understand your aversions, even though I don't share them, but I think they may be causing you to overthink this and turn it into a bigger deal than it could be.

Calypso1977

ive puked at weddings and other public events, but i always make it to the toilet.  do people actually puke on the dance floor?

someone did sneak a bottle into our wedding reception, so it does happen, but she also didnt really make a scene about it.  i heard about it a week or two later.

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcohol-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1033adb-52df-44fc-804e-fa81a7ed0c82Post:3a12ab6e-12b4-4632-9bba-abb711a8d5c4">Re: Alcohol dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>ive puked at weddings and other public events, but i always make it to the toilet.</strong>  do people actually puke on the dance floor? someone did sneak a bottle into our wedding reception, so it does happen, but she also didnt really make a scene about it.  i heard about it a week or two later.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

<div>Ew. Is this a common occurrence? What kind of public events are we talking here? Maybe that's something you should look into.</div>

abbitha7

OP, I totally understand where you're coming from with the vomit phobia. I have the same issue. It's getting better for me though, with more exposure during my college days. It used to be that if I even knew someone was sick, I would get sick myself. Now I just turn away if it happens to someone or is on a movie.

Unless this is really common, I honestly don't know that people would be so rude as to get hammered at a dry wedding. I was worried for my wedding; some of my friends are into substances (got into things in college), and they went on about how they were going to drop acid, take ecstasy, and smoke pot at the reception. For those people who said that, my H let them know that if they had to drop acid to have fun at the wedding (which was nowhere near dry), then they didn't respect us, and shouldn't come to the wedding. When the day came, we had no problems. No one brought drugs and everyone had a good time.

I would say that unless people bring it up, there's no reason to remind them that you don't want them bringing alcohol and getting wasted. As PPs have said, it's offensive to those who wouldn't dream of doing it, and the people who really want to do it will do it no matter what you say.

pkontk

** Joy2611 ** you have a PM from me.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcohol-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1033adb-52df-44fc-804e-fa81a7ed0c82Post:86a00fd0-63d1-4218-bd4e-f494dcc307ab">Re:Alcohol dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Alcohol dilemma: With all due respect, most of us are NOT downplaying it or telling her to get over it. We're advising her to get help for it. I am arachnaphobic. Truly, clinically, arachnaphobic. I completely understand having an irrational fear to the point that it is debilitating. The sad truth is that people DON'T understand true phobia if they haven't experienced it, which means that requesting people not show up drunk and pukey is just going to insult them, and probably won't do anything to help her enjoy her wedding anyway, since the irrational part is what makes it a phobia. I think the best plan is to plan a dry wedding and seek some professional help that will be able to keep her from spending the entire night searching for possibly drunk people.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I was speaking more of the general "people," Stage... not people in this thread in particular.

Knittibell

Emetophobia is a real thing, and like all phobias, of course it's mostly irrational, but that doesn't mean it's not a real issue. I'm a sympathetic vomiter, so I also hate it, but for other reasons. Ugh.

That said, I'd ask close friends and family members to spread the word that you're vomit phobic, and if anyone pukes at your wedding, there will be hell to pay! They can say it in a sort of joking way, but still get the point across that this is something that would really upset you. Beyond that, I'm not sure what you can really do. I've never gotten that drunk at a wedding, or been in the presence of anyone who has.

If it's a day wedding, maybe skip the wine at the tables and only do a champagne toast?

I hope it works out!

lyndausvi

I completely understand having a fear of vomit.  I vomit when I see vomit.

I just do not understand equating drinking with vomit.  I've been to countless weddings and other events that have alcohol.  Maybe once or twice I've seen someone get sick in the bathroom, but not in public areas.  I attend events a few times a week and never see people getting sick.  Drinking does not = getting sick.  Well, not to the normal drinker.

If your friends are the type who will drink enough to get sick, especially because they know of your fear, then you need new friends.