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Re: Please Remove.

  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 The Witch City member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer

    I would tell your daughter and her future husband to not accept any money from any parents (yours included), save and have the wedding they want and can afford on their own dime. 

    All of you (parents) are offering money to your children with strings.  If you took away the strings, she wouldn't feel as stressed and pressured.  Be declining all these "gifts" from the parents, your daughter will have a much more relaxed and stress-free wedding planning process.

    If you still wish to gift your daughter money for her weddin, then GIFT it.  A gift is something given freely without obligation of something in return.

     

  • Avion22Avion22 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited February 2013
    I couldn't make it through your post either.

    Weddings aren't about using money to manipulate people into doing things your way. And they CERTAINLY aren't for a power-play between the Bride's divorced parents.

    My advice -- give your daughter and future son-in-law whatever "gift" you feel comfortable giving them, and let them do what they want with the money (wedding, honeymoon, downpayment on a house, whatever).  If you don't want to pay for ANY of the wedding, then don't.  It's not your responsibility -- it's the Bride and Groom's responsibility to pay for and plan their own wedding.

    Edited for wording.
    DSC_9275
  • I am a daughter of divorced parents, and I think I see what some of the issues are...

    You say you have no ill will toward your ex, but clearly you do when it comes to the alimony you pay her. This has nothing to do with your daughters wedding. Please try to separate your feelings about the two. Get your attorney to try to adjust it if your financial situation has changed.

    If your daughter is uncomfortable with the wedding, she and her FI need to sit down and talk about what they really want. If they don't want a big party, they can refuse the money being offered from parents and pay for the wedding they do want.

    If they go with the big wedding and you would still like to help pay (which is not required), then you are well within your rights to say "This is how much I can contribute." No explanation needed. How they spend the rest of the money is not your concern.

    I think you have the best intentions for your daughter, but it seems like negative feelings toward your ex and her family are creeping in. I hope you all can come to some agreements before it blows up.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-for-father-of-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f20dabda-72e6-4db7-ad46-8bfab25eb33dPost:0dfc24ea-9521-449a-a339-225017e7621d">Re: Help for Father of the Bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would tell your daughter and her future husband to not accept any money from any parents (yours included), save and have the wedding they want and can afford on their own dime.  All of you (parents) are offering money to your children with strings.  If you took away the strings, she wouldn't feel as stressed and pressured.  Be declining all these "gifts" from the parents, your daughter will have a much more relaxed and stress-free wedding planning process. If you still wish to gift your daughter money for her weddin, then GIFT it.  A gift is something given freely without obligation of something in return.
    Posted by kjhowd[/QUOTE]

    <div>This. I think I read that you want to give her money but you only want it to be used for xyz. Either give her X amount of money and let the couple spend it how they choose for the wedding, or don't give her any. It shouldn't matter to you exactly how she divies it up. </div><div>
    </div><div>ETA: And no, it's not right of any of those people to be pressuring you for more money if that is what's happening. Just offer them what you can afford and be done with the negotiations.</div>
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  •  It was very generous of you to offer help pay, but how any one else spends their $$ isn't really any of your business. Now, if you have issues with the way yoru daughter & her FI are spending your $$ well then you have every right to indicate how you'd like it to be spent.

    It sounds to me like your daughter & her FI need to re-work their budget so that they can accommodate all the guests they wish to invite.  Are they contributing to the wedding at all?  It's not anyone's responsibility to pay for the wedding except theirs. 
  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 The Witch City member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-for-father-of-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f20dabda-72e6-4db7-ad46-8bfab25eb33dPost:37ed64e8-8b23-4d6b-8cc6-8ce818c339c8">Re: Help for Father of the Bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am a daughter of divorced parents, and I think I see what some of the issues are...<strong> You say you have no ill will toward your ex, but clearly you do when it comes to the alimony you pay her. This has nothing to do with your daughters wedding</strong>. Please try to separate your feelings about the two. Get your attorney to try to adjust it if your financial situation has changed. If your daughter is uncomfortable with the wedding, she and her FI need to sit down and talk about what they really want. If they don't want a big party, they can refuse the money being offered from parents and pay for the wedding they do want. If they go with the big wedding and you would still like to help pay (which is not required), then you are well within your rights to say "This is how much I can contribute." No explanation needed. How they spend the rest of the money is not your concern. I think you have the best intentions for your daughter, but it seems like negative feelings toward your ex and her family are creeping in. I hope you all can come to some agreements before it blows up.
    Posted by cbrown828[/QUOTE]

    As another child of divorce - I completely agree with this.

    Now, neither of my parents contributed to my wedding (mom couldn't afford to and dad's money would have come with strings, but he didn't offer anyway and I wasn't asking); but they both managed to act like grown-ups (mostly) about how I planned my wedding.

     

  • If you had lurked a little before you posted, you would know we are being honest and trying to help you avoid a family meltdown. We are not being rude. I am sorry you are not getting the advice you wanted to hear.

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  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 The Witch City member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-for-father-of-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f20dabda-72e6-4db7-ad46-8bfab25eb33dPost:384a1040-1ea2-4f7f-afe9-08820bb677c2">Re: Help for Father of the Bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]No need to be rude.  I offered my daughter a sum of money for her wedding, a generous part of which is to be their gift. My ex wife wants to take her yearly check from me and pretend she needs it instead of giving money to our daughter for the wedding to pay for her own parents, siblings, and their children. I know she does not need this money and I do not appreciate having to support her anymore. I do not want to pay for HER guests. My daughter is having a lot of financial stress put on her from her future in-laws to have me (but NOT my ex wife) produce more funds. My daughter will not ask for any more money from anyone, I want her mother to pay 60/40 (her 40). My daughter is saying she would rather elope now than deal with this. She says the money that has been offered between myself and her mother more than covers what her future in-laws are asking for us to reimburse and does not understand why I care specifically which portion of the wedding my money pays for. 
    Posted by IAmTheFatherOfTheBride[/QUOTE]

    No one was rude.

    You still aren't getting it.  You are offering your daughter money for her wedding with STRINGS.  You are telling her how she can/cannot spend the money.  You are causing her just as much stress as everyone else.

    I reiterate, tell your daughter to refuse all monies from anyone but her and FI bank account and she won't have any issues. 

     

  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    In Response to Re:Help for Father of the Bride:[QUOTE]No, my daughter and future soninlaw did not want a big wedding. My daughter has extreme anxiety runs on my side and her mothers, unfortunately and hates large groups and confrontation. They were originally going to have a small destination wedding, very small backyard wedding, or something else equally small and inexpensive. I offered this money either way, as did her mother, from what my daughter tells me. His parents are the ones that have turned the wedding into this large event. This is their last child to get married, they are a family that turns every event into a big celebration. They did not want their last son being the only one without a large wedding. My daughter and her fiance were going to pay for everything themselves, but it was going to be very small. Posted by IAmTheFatherOfTheBride[/QUOTE]

    Then they need to turn down his parents money and plan the wedding they want.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-for-father-of-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f20dabda-72e6-4db7-ad46-8bfab25eb33dPost:e3e2ad0b-d5d8-4484-bc2a-68ea9c35d52e">Re:Help for Father of the Bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Help for Father of the Bride: Then they need to turn down his parents money and plan the wedding they want.
    Posted by misshart00[/QUOTE]

    This exactly.
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  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited February 2013
    <div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-for-father-of-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f20dabda-72e6-4db7-ad46-8bfab25eb33dPost:134e5df4-d376-453e-b105-ae8fbf30bbf5">Re: Help for Father of the Bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]No, my daughter and future son-in-law did not want a big wedding. My daughter has extreme anxiety (runs on my side and her mothers, unfortunately) and hates large groups and confrontation. They were originally going to have a small destination wedding, very small backyard wedding, or something else equally small and inexpensive. I offered this money either way, as did her mother, from what my daughter tells me. <strong>His parents are the ones that have turned the wedding into this large event. This is their last child to get married, they are a family that turns every event into a big celebration. </strong>They did not want their last son being the only one without a large wedding. My daughter and her fiance were going to pay for everything themselves, but it was going to be very small.
    Posted by IAmTheFatherOfTheBride[/QUOTE]

    Then it is up to your future son in law to speak with his family and tell them exactly what type of wedding he and your daughter would like to have.</div>
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  • I fail to see where anyone was rude to the original poster.  OP, if you think people here are rude, I can see why you have some issues with those around you.  Don't offer money with strings, or don't offer it at all. Simple.
  • Love the irony of complaining about people telling her how to spend her money while you tell her how to spend her money cause you gave it to her, and it isn't yours anymore. Her mothers finances aren't your concern. Obviously a court has decided that alimony is appropriate. If you disagree, challenge that. Don't throw a temper tantrum about the wedding.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-for-father-of-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f20dabda-72e6-4db7-ad46-8bfab25eb33dPost:384a1040-1ea2-4f7f-afe9-08820bb677c2">Re: Help for Father of the Bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]No need to be rude.  I offered my daughter a sum of money for her wedding, a generous part of which is to be their gift. My ex wife wants to take her yearly check from me and pretend she needs it instead of giving money to our daughter for the wedding to pay for her own parents, siblings, and their children. I know she does not need this money and I do not appreciate having to support her anymore. I do not want to pay for HER guests. My daughter is having a lot of financial stress put on her from her future in-laws to have me (but NOT my ex wife) produce more funds. My daughter will not ask for any more money from anyone, I want her mother to pay 60/40 (her 40). My daughter is saying she would rather elope now than deal with this. <strong>She says the money that has been offered between myself and her mother more than covers what her future in-laws are asking for us to reimburse and does not understand why I care specifically which portion of the wedding my money pays for. </strong>
    Posted by IAmTheFatherOfTheBride[/QUOTE]

    I don't understand this either. Why do you care so much exactly what your money pays for? If you want to give her a wedding gift separate from the amount you want to contribute to the wedding, then write the cheque for the "gift" amount and give it on their wedding day. If you're demanding that she not touch part of a sum of money you've already given for the wedding because you want it to be a separate wedding gift, I honestly think you shouldn't have given it yet in the first place. I hope that makes sense.
  • no one is obligated to pay for a wedding except the couple marrying.

    give your daughter what you can afford and want to give her.  its up to HER to put her foot down with her FI/IL's - if she doesnt do this now, they will surely walk all over her for their entire marriage which isnt good.

    as a side note, i feel for you on the child support/alimony.  courts are not father friendly.  i have several hard working men on my payroll who are forced to live with their parents because they have ex-spouses who take close to 1/2 their income each month because of a state guideline formula that takes nothing into account other than the man's income.  in one or two cases, it was the woman's choice to leave and the man didnt want it.  one guy pays $1400 a month for one child and the ex-wife lives in a rent/expense free situation.  and yeah, he's at home with mom and dad at age 45.
  • On a side note, I am glad to see several other daughter's of divorced parents who made it through wedding day :) We have had zerio issues so far, but there is always a tiny bit of anxiety in my mind. Some of your comments have helped me shut that silly anxiety up.
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  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    In Response to Re:Help for Father of the Bride:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help for Father of the Bride:In Response to Re: Help for Father of the Bride : No one was rude. You still aren't getting it.nbsp; You are offering your daughter money for her wedding with STRINGS.nbsp; You are telling her how she can/cannot spend the money.nbsp; You are causing her just as much stress as everyone else. I reiterate, tell your daughter to refuse all monies from anyone but her and FI bank account and she won't have any issues.nbsp;Posted by kjhowdNo, I don't believe you're getting it.She does not care about the wedding. If his parents want to throw a big party, the kids don't care. If that is how they want to spend their money, that is fine. His parents want to take more of the money for the wedding than I expected to pay for our guests, leaving less for a gift. Her mother needs to accept responsibility here also because this is now money being taken from our daughter because my ex will not cover her family. My daughter refuses to ask anyone for money because she says it would be rude but her mother is the one being inconsiderate. Posted by IAmTheFatherOfTheBride[/QUOTE]

    I'm stressed out just reading this. Just give her the amount you want to give her for the wedding. If you want part of it to be their wedding gift, wait and write them a check on their wedding day.
  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 The Witch City member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-for-father-of-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f20dabda-72e6-4db7-ad46-8bfab25eb33dPost:514a2d92-7afe-4c9c-9418-aee8dea3ed53">Re: Help for Father of the Bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help for Father of the Bride : No, I don't believe you're getting it. She does not care about the wedding. If his parents want to throw a big party, the kids don't care. If that is how they want to spend their money, that is fine. His parents want to take more of the money for the wedding than I expected to pay for our guests, leaving less for a gift. Her mother needs to accept responsibility here also because this is now money being taken from our daughter because my ex will not cover her family. My daughter refuses to ask anyone for money because she says it would be rude but her mother is the one being inconsiderate.
    Posted by IAmTheFatherOfTheBride[/QUOTE]

    No I get it just fine.  You are trying to control how a gift is used.  Once a gift has been given, it is not longer the gifters to control.  It doesn't matter if it's $5, $50 or $500K or toaster.  By trying to control that a "portion of the gift" is her wedding gift and not to spent on the wedding, you are attaching strings to your gift.

    And as several others have told you - you have no right and no say in how other people spend their money; it doesn't matter if it's your ex-wife or your daughter's future in-laws. 

    Again, by making issue of how the money is spent, you are causing your daughter just as much stress as the others.

    Your FSIL needs to put his big boy pants on and stand up to his parents if this is not what they want.

     

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-for-father-of-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f20dabda-72e6-4db7-ad46-8bfab25eb33dPost:514a2d92-7afe-4c9c-9418-aee8dea3ed53">Re: Help for Father of the Bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help for Father of the Bride : No, I don't believe you're getting it. She does not care about the wedding. If his parents want to throw a big party, the kids don't care. If that is how they want to spend their money, that is fine. His parents want to take more of the money for the wedding than I expected to pay for our guests, leaving less for a gift. <strong>Her mother needs to accept responsibility here also</strong> because this is now money being taken from our daughter because my ex will not cover her family. My daughter refuses to ask anyone for money because she says it would be rude but her mother is the one being inconsiderate.
    Posted by IAmTheFatherOfTheBride[/QUOTE]

    No she doesn't. Maybe it would be nice if she would, but you cannot make her. Get your expectations in line with reality. Maybe reality sucks for you right now, but as long as you spend all your emotional energy "should"ing all over your ex, you are going to stay miserable and frustrated about it. I will again reiterate that your daughter and her FI need to step up and take some control back. This is their wedding, and no one else is responsible for paying for it.
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  • Another child of divorce here, and of a mean, nasty, messy one that is STILL being kinked out in the court 15-16 years after it was finalized.

    1) If you would like a reduction in alimony, you need to speak with your lawyer. How she spends the money is none of you business. Child support is your business, but alimony is not. Does it suck, yes, but it has nothing to do with your daughter or her wedding.

    2) You are not required to pay for ANYTHING. If your daughter asks you for more money, kindly tell her that you cannot afford to give anymore.

    3)Take her out to lunch and chat with her. Encourage her to speak with her FI and hash out what THEYYY want. If they don't want a big wedding, ask her to encourage her FI to stand up to his parents, declining their money if necessary. Their wedding may be smaller with fewer guests, a lower-key meal, etc, but it will be without strings.

    4) If you are giving money, you are entitled to request that your family be there, but you CANNOT request that your ex's family or anyone else not be invited. As Liatris said, just because they aren't your family doesn't mean they're not hers.

    5) Your financial input for you're daughter's wedding is yours alone, you have no right to dictate how much her mother decides to give, nor do you need proof.

    Based on how you wrote about your daughter, you two seem to be on good terms and if you want to keep it that way, I highly suggest that you quit speaking or asking about her mother. Regardless of whether the conversation is harmless, it can feel like she's being put back in the middle of you two.
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  • s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-for-father-of-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f20dabda-72e6-4db7-ad46-8bfab25eb33dPost:514a2d92-7afe-4c9c-9418-aee8dea3ed53">Re: Help for Father of the Bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help for Father of the Bride : No, I don't believe you're getting it. She does not care about the wedding. If his parents want to throw a big party, the kids don't care. If that is how they want to spend their money, that is fine. His parents want to take more of the money for the wedding than I expected to pay for our guests,<strong> leaving less for a gift</strong>. <strong>Her mother needs to accept responsibility here also</strong> because this is now money being taken from our daughter because my ex will not cover her family. <strong>My daughter refuses to ask anyone for money because she says it would be rude</strong> but <strong>her mother is the one being inconsiderate</strong>.
    Posted by IAmTheFatherOfTheBride[/QUOTE]

    Only give x amount for the wedding. Take the "gift" off of the table. Tell them you are going to give it to them after they get back from their honeymoon.

    ETA: some bolds and -

    And it YOUR money, not your ex's, so she doesn't need to take ANY responsibility for anything, even covering her own family. It's not her party - she doesn't hae to pay for anything.

    Maybe her mother IS being inconsiderate, but that isn't your burden to bear, it's your daugters, and you are probably exacerbating it if you are mentioning it to your daughter. As you said, she is already under a lot of stress.

    And, your daughter is right, asking anyone for money IS rude.
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  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 The Witch City member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-for-father-of-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f20dabda-72e6-4db7-ad46-8bfab25eb33dPost:efb8b328-74ea-4894-9e94-936b3d765b48">Re: Help for Father of the Bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]On a side note, I am glad to see several other daughter's of divorced parents who made it through wedding day :) We have had zerio issues so far, but there is always a tiny bit of anxiety in my mind. Some of your comments have helped me shut that silly anxiety up.
    Posted by cbrown828[/QUOTE]

    We had no drama the day of; but I will tell you there was some leading up to it (and it was a doozy).

    My parents have been divorced for 20+ years and have had several weddings to practice the "I'm going to ignore you in a very civil manner" routine.  :)

     

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-for-father-of-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f20dabda-72e6-4db7-ad46-8bfab25eb33dPost:134e5df4-d376-453e-b105-ae8fbf30bbf5">Re: Help for Father of the Bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]No, my daughter and future son-in-law did not want a big wedding. My daughter has extreme anxiety (runs on my side and her mothers, unfortunately) and hates large groups and confrontation. They were originally going to have a small destination wedding, very small backyard wedding, or something else equally small and inexpensive. I offered this money either way, as did her mother, from what my daughter tells me. His parents are the ones that have turned the wedding into this large event. This is their last child to get married, they are a family that turns every event into a big celebration. They did not want their last son being the only one without a large wedding. My daughter and her fiance were going to pay for everything themselves, but it was going to be very small.
    Posted by IAmTheFatherOfTheBride[/QUOTE]

    If both your daughter and her FI want a small wedding; then they need to return the money to his parents and pay for the wedding THEY want. If you want to contribute; then gift them the money and they could invite whoever they want. Just like you said your ex-wife THINKS you're in a better financial position than your are; you are doing the same thing to her. Maybe she doesn't have "40%" to give.
  • I literally have no idea what you're talking about even after reading all of the replies. 

    If you want to give a gift for the wedding, then give them a card at the wedding with however much you want that gift to be. Don't give them money now, and say "I want __ to go to the wedding, and I want you to keep ___ and call it a gift." WTF is your reasoning behind doing that?? 
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  • I do understand what you are saying - but what you don't seem to understand is how much YOU are causing your daughter stress.  I am not the daughter of divorced parents, but my parents are paying for my wedding, and it's not my mother I've been fighting with the last year and a half, it's my dad - because this money came with strings, and I've had to navigate that.

    A few points:

    1) Your daughter needs to turn down the inlaw money if she wants a small wedding.  Seriously, this needs to start now so that she doesn't get walked all over for the rest of her marriage

    2) "Your money" versus "your ex wife's money" frankly all gets pooled together here in the aggregate.  You can believe all day long that your money is paying for your side and your ex wife's money is paying for her side, but that's not how catering bills work.  It's going to be one bill.  Your daughter will pay for it out of a single account.  We call that commingling.

    3) Your DAUGHTER, not your ex is the one who needs to take responsibility for the size of the guestlist.  If she wants more of a "gift" from the funds you are providing, then she simply limits the guestlist.  This really does not involve your ex wife at all.

    4) Alimony is adjustable by courts if you can show cause.  So show cause - weddings are stressful enough for the couple without parents bickering.

    5) Tell your daughter no when she asks for more.  No is not a four letter word.

    6) We aren't being rude - we are being honest and blunt.  Sugarcoating doesn't really help anybody in these situations.
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  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    In Response to Re:Help for Father of the Bride:[QUOTE]Again, they don't care if this is what his parents want to spend their money on. No "standing up" needed.nbsp;And yes, there are strings attached to money for her wedding. My daughter is smart enough to know that this is how the world works. It was the same when it was time to give her car back for not being responsible and showing up for visits on time. It was the same when her mother and I split up, you want to be disorganized and live with no purpose like your mother, you can figure out your own college education and housing. Not my problem. I am her father and it is my job to teach her the ways of the world. I am amazed at how some of you seem to feel about money. Posted by IAmTheFatherOfTheBride[/QUOTE]

    I actually have no problem with some strings on money that's given, since you're giving it for a specific purpose, not just a gift. If they don't like the strings, they can turn it down.

    You can put strings on your money. That's not a problem. What you cannot do is put strings on other people's money. That's what you're trying to do.
  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    In Response to Re:Help for Father of the Bride:[QUOTE]As I've said over and over again, my daughter is not the one asking me for money. She knows not to do that. She is simply telling me what is going on in her life. She has said to everyone that she does not want another dime put into this wedding. My daughter has always been independent and good with her money, as she has been taught. Posted by IAmTheFatherOfTheBride[/QUOTE]

    Then what is your question?
  • so if you want to give her, say, $10K, and you really want $6K of that to be a gift, then just give her a check now for $4K and put the other $6k into an account for her and be done with it.

    if she hasnt learned the value of a dollar and how to save by now, she probably never will.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-for-father-of-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f20dabda-72e6-4db7-ad46-8bfab25eb33dPost:bfffeb96-0877-4c69-a056-f7570b06188a">Re: Help for Father of the Bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]Again, they don't care if this is what his parents want to spend their money on. No "standing up" needed.  And yes, there are strings attached to money for her wedding. My daughter is smart enough to know that this is how the world works. It was the same when it was time to give her car back for not being responsible and showing up for visits on time. It was the same when her mother and I split up,<strong> you want to be disorganized and live with no purpose like your mother, you can figure out your own college education and housing.</strong> Not my problem. I am her father and it is my job to teach her the ways of the world. I am amazed at how some of you seem to feel about money.
    Posted by IAmTheFatherOfTheBride[/QUOTE]

    I really hope you didn't say this to her.

    And I really hope online/to your uninvolved friends is the only places you are airing these concerns. I cannot begin to explain how frustrating, depressing,angering and defeating it feels to be associated with the negative qualities of a parent.

    The posters on here are giving you solid advice, especially about the "gift" portion. Speak with your daughter and her FI and explain the change in the situation, that because you want to ensure aht $X is kept for them as a gift that they won't recieve it until after the wedding.

    You can only control YOUR actions. Please remember that

    -- From a broken-hearted daughter
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-for-father-of-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f20dabda-72e6-4db7-ad46-8bfab25eb33dPost:bfffeb96-0877-4c69-a056-f7570b06188a">Re: Help for Father of the Bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]Again, they don't care if this is what his parents want to spend their money on. No "standing up" needed.  And yes, there are strings attached to money for her wedding. My daughter is smart enough to know that this is how the world works. It was the same when it was time to give her car back for not being responsible and showing up for visits on time. It was the same when her mother and I split up, you want to be disorganized and live with no purpose like your mother, you can figure out your own college education and housing. Not my problem. I am her father and it is my job to teach her the ways of the world. <strong>I am amazed at how some of you seem to feel about money.</strong>
    Posted by IAmTheFatherOfTheBride[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Here's the problem with this statement:  you are calling this a gift.  A gift, by definition (both common and legal) is something a gifter gives to a recipient and it then becomes 100% the recipient's property.  The recipient can do whatever she wants with it - spend it, save it, donate it, whatever.</div><div>
    </div><div>If it has strings, do not call it a gift.  Mine has strings as well, and the problem with strings is that my father (as close as we are) has certain viewpoints that just don't follow etiquette.  I've had to spend a lot of time explaining why certain things need to be the way they are, and he has gotten hung up on some of the strangest things.  Our wedding would have been 200 (yes 200) people smaller if my dad had just written us a check and let us plan the wedding we originally talked about.  I don't resent it, and I know that it's his money, but this is why the board is getting hung up on "gift" versus "strings."  Your string seems to be drawing lines about paying for certain guests and not paying for others, when that is NOT HOW IT WORKS because everything comes on a single bill.  Your daughter apparently understands this, and if I were her I would be frustrated trying to explain that to my dad.</div><div>
    </div><div>Of course, if she accepts your money then you get some influence.  But you are trying to influence her wedding in a way that really doesn't work logistically or practically.</div><div>
    </div><div>Again, if she wants a small wedding that is entirely on her and her FI.  It has nothing to do with FI's parents, you, or your ex wife.  My FI and I allowed our guestlist to balloon to 325 people, and that's on us.  If I really wanted to be firm with my father, I could have been. She and her FI need to be firm with his parents if they really don't want a large wedding.  And if they do want a larger wedding when all is said and done, why begrudge her the "gift" that you were going to give her anyway?</div><div>
    </div>
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