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I would tell your daughter and her future husband to not accept any money from any parents (yours included), save and have the wedding they want and can afford on their own dime. All of you (parents) are offering money to your children with strings. If you took away the strings, she wouldn't feel as stressed and pressured. Be declining all these "gifts" from the parents, your daughter will have a much more relaxed and stress-free wedding planning process.If you still wish to gift your daughter money for her weddin, then GIFT it. A gift is something given freely without obligation of something in return.
If you had lurked a little before you posted, you would know we are being honest and trying to help you avoid a family meltdown. We are not being rude. I am sorry you are not getting the advice you wanted to hear.