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    Yikes, that is a pretty sticky situation. Etiquette states that all SOs need to be invited despite your personal feelings towards that person.

    I'm sure she's well aware that she'll be walking into a situation where very people already have negative connotations about her, but the correct thing to to do would be invite her with your father and let her make the decision if she wants to come.

    You don't need to give her a corsage or have her seated at the same time as any special people that you're seating individually or recognize her in any other way except to say "thanks for coming."
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    Unfortunately, she is his SO and has to be invited to both the wedding and the rehearsal.  That's the extent of it though is the invitation.  
    No need to get her a corsage (as most people get parents/sibs flowers).  She can seat herself quietly with the rest of the guests, you don't have to have her escorted as part of the processional.  Many brides end up having one parent sit in the front row and the other parent sit in the 2nd row with affiliated family members so keep the exes and new SO's from having to sit with one another.  I'd probably skip announcing parents of the bride and groom as part of a grand entrance at the reception all together- we just did wedding party and us, but if you wanted to, you could see if your parents would walk in together and just announce them.
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    Everyone should really be able to suck it up for the rehearsal dinner and wedding. They're all adults. Your mom and your dad's girlfriend don't have to act like besties, or even interact with one another, but yeah.. I don't see how it would be a big issue.
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    How does your mom feel about this?  I know it's not proper ettiquette, and yes, this is the E board, but I'd go with my mom's feelings over proper etiquette.  If she's uncomfortable, I wouldn't invite the mistress.  
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    It may not be in line with the straight etiquette rules - but I agree with you, I wouldn't want her there.  The day is about your and your fiancee and your families and the woman who played a role in breaking up your family should have the grace not to show up.  It's sweet of your mom to try to keep the peace but I'm sure she'd be somewhat uncomfortable.  I'd talk to your dad and ask him to just leave her home, out of consideration for everyone involved.  Hopefully he'll see reason.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-situation-with-dad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2c8ed69-f23c-4ac5-a6d7-e70a97787858Post:80102d5b-9acb-4571-883e-9af843889a62">Re: Awkward situation with dad..</a>:
    [QUOTE]@MrsG- My mom keeps saying "don't worry about me" and I know that she wouldn't make a scene or cause any issues, but she was pretty surprised when I told her that my dad planned on bringing his GF. I think we both have the same thought--why would she want to go? Seems like torture to be at an event knowing that the bride and groom don't want you there. As a side note, I understand that people move on. I would have no issues with my dad bringing a woman he was dating-I just think it's inappropriate for him to bring the woman he decided to "date" while he was still *married*.<strong> Isn't there some kind of etiquette regarding not bring a mistress who helped break up a marriage to a marriage ceremony?! ;)</strong>
    Posted by phfiely[/QUOTE]

    <div>Unfortunately, not.  If they consider themselves a couple you have to invite her.  Whether she comes or not is up to her.</div>
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    I wouldn't invite her and I would talk to your Dad about why your not even though etiquette says otherwise there are always exceptions to the rules and a women who took part in ending their marriage should be an exception. My parents are recently separated and my mom had been seeing someone since before it was official which I am not ok with. She knows this and know not to bring him up with me or that I would be ok with meeting him. Some may say it's childish but even without having to talk about it my mom knows he's not invited to my wedding. It's my day and I feel that I shouldn't have to play nice with someone like that on my day and a lot of my parents focus is going to be on helping me that day and not their date anyways so overall is best that they don't come.
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    rsannarsanna member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited August 2012
    To everyone saying don't invite the woman.  What will OP do if her father marries said woman?  Not inviting her and shunning her will only make the situation worse.  And to use the party line, as soon as you invite people it is not longer just about you.  So invite the woman and stop acting like a brat.

    ETA: OP, I understand why you're stressed, and it looks like you are going to invite your dad's GF.  My response was meant to also address the other terrible advice-givers in this post.  But honestly, it isn't immature to want your SO at an event with you, when SOs aren't supposed to be separated. 
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    I think Loopy gave some great advice. Just minimize the woman's involvement in the wedding without completely excluding her. 
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    rsannarsanna member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-situation-with-dad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2c8ed69-f23c-4ac5-a6d7-e70a97787858Post:23e8780b-6ebf-4cfc-a15d-95c6e0f94f88">Re: Awkward situation with dad..</a>:
    [QUOTE]Rsana, kinda strong.  I do not see OP as a brat, I see her as someone who doesnt like this woman who has acted terrible.   I do agree, that OP should discuss with her dad.  It seems that dad may not heard his daughter's feelings.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    <div>That is because you are also encouraging poor advice.  Look, the wish that the dad would leave his GF at home, is not bratty. But she shouldn't voice it, unless her dad asks what she prefers or what she would like. If she follows through with the advice that you agreed with and talks to her dad and asks him to leave the GF at home, THAT IS bratty and rude.  Because it is not all about the OP.  Yes, it is her wedding day but that doesn't mean she gets the go-ahead to act like a spoiled and rude brat. </div><div>
    </div><div>ETA: And again, I am not sayign the OP is a spoiled brat.  But that she will come across that way if she brings this up with her dad. Two wrongs don't make a right.</div>
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    In Response to Re:Awkward situation with dad..:[QUOTE]Phfiley,When you speak to your dad, you might mention that when you are walking down the aisle, his GF is a sign of the break up of marriagenbsp; and your childhood home, and that isnbsp;not something you want to think about.nbsp;nbsp;Yes, he had an affair too, but he means many other things to you, good things.nbsp; Have you thought about who will give you away?ETA my god this is your father, not some random guest, of coure you can and should speak to him if not, he is just a guest. Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    Actually that is even more reason not to talk to him. She has to spend holidays and birthdays with him. Just because someone is family gives them no reason to be rude.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-situation-with-dad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2c8ed69-f23c-4ac5-a6d7-e70a97787858Post:a7722baf-12af-4726-90f2-90b8e0e5457b">Re: Awkward situation with dad..</a>:
    [QUOTE]Rsana, OP said she was already uncomfortable when GF included at holidays.   I agree, OP should think about conseqences, but it hardly seems she wants to be included in shindigs with the GF.  Now that OP is gaining more relatives, it might be as good a time as any to explain to dad why and what she feels.  <strong>Maybe Dad's GF should have thouht about consequence of having affair.  </strong>
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]
    Really? Why blame the other woman? <div>
    </div><div>The GF comes to holidays (it doesn't really matter if OP likes it or not). Obviously, since Dad has brought it up he wants her to be there. </div><div>I really think OP should suck it up and invite her. What happens if they stay together for the long haul? </div><div>This could be a major grudge she would have against OP for a long time. </div><div>
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    In Response to Re:Awkward situation with dad..:[QUOTE]Rsana, OP said she was already uncomfortable when GF included at holidays.nbsp;nbsp; I agree, OP should think about conseqences, but it hardly seems she wants to be included in shindigs with the GF.nbsp; Now that OP is gaining more relatives, it might be as good a time as any to explain to dad why and what she feels.nbsp; Maybe Dad's GF should have thouht about consequence of having affair.nbsp;nbsp; Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]
    But what will that accomplish except people thinking she is acting like a spoiled brat and very likely pushing her father away? If she is that uncomfortable with the GF, then just dont invite the dad. Problem solved. It is called being an adult. My BIL is a semiabusive, threatening, alcoholic ass. But he will still be invited to my wedding as long as he is still with my sister. Because I care about my sister and what she wants.
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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2012
    I'm sorry you father put you in this situation.    Fact of the matter is your FATHER broke up your family.  Sure the woman was involved, but it was your FATHER who made the vows to your mother.  It was him who choose to ignore those vows and break up your family.

    You are directing your angry to the other woman instead of your father on what happened.   Completely understandable, but I think misguided.

    You don't have to like her, but she is apart of your father's life.  He wants her there I think you should invite her.  Or should I say let your father have the option of bringing her.  Just 'and guest' him.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    I am in your exact situation except that my dad's gf didn't want anything to do with me and of course I wanted nothing to do with her and bc of that we have never met in the last 8 yrs. Talk to your dad about it and tell him how you feel. I just talked to my dad and he said that if it made me uncomfortable he would respect my wishes and not bring her. My solution for now is that I did not invite her to the engagement party which is in a month. Reason: more intimate and it is my in laws hosting plus we are mainly doing an engagement party bc fi family has to travel for the wedding and we are pretty sure that most of his family will not make the wedding. As for the wedding I didn't think it would be fair for my mom to bring her boyfriend my mom actually told me that he probably is not going to come just bc he doesnt want to and not my dad. So I told both of them to work it out. If they both want to invite their SO then both do. If they both agree not to bring anyone then so be it. I know this is not correct ettiqute wise but I think it will be what works best for our family. Good Luck!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-situation-with-dad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2c8ed69-f23c-4ac5-a6d7-e70a97787858Post:0b929b9d-5169-4cd6-8733-f0b336f60ea6">Re: Awkward situation with dad..</a>:
    [QUOTE]@rsanna- I'm not sure why you got so bent out of shape. I asked for advice or similar personal experiences and I was given the correct etiquette advice. Other posters also shared their feelings when they were in the same situation. That doesn't change the fact that my feelings are hurt that my dad would choose to bring her to *one* event on one evening that obviously is very important to me. I have shared my feelings about her with my dad in the past (about non wedding related things). He's my dad, and I don't think honest communication is bratty. That's absurd. Talking (not arguing or throwing a tantrum) to someone about how you feel about their behavior is a mature way to handle things and I'm not sure how you construed that as me being spoiled. It seems incongruous that such a bratty rude person as myself would reach out for advice on an etiquette board. Thanks to the girls who gave constructive advice. It's also nice to hear from people who have dealt with something similar.
    Posted by phfiely[/QUOTE]

    <div>Obviously OP, as I mentioned before I did not intend to come off that way towards you, but more to the other people giving you bad advice as I mentioned in my first post. This is the way I see you: "Dad, your GF makes me uncomfortable."  That is okay.  This is the way the some of the other posters are coming across: "Dad, your GF is not allowed at my wedding.  I don't like her and she makes me uncomfortable."  The first is expressing yourself.  The second is breaking etiquette and telling your dad what to do.</div><div>
    </div><div>Also ditto Lynda and Stage.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-situation-with-dad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2c8ed69-f23c-4ac5-a6d7-e70a97787858Post:0e91a419-3d3d-4b4a-aa52-c234ad0621a2">Re: Awkward situation with dad..</a>:
    [QUOTE]@SJmiller-I thought my dad would have the same understanding that your mom has and would not even consider bringing her. <strong>That's why I was shocked when he mentioned what type of dress she should wear.</strong> Since he doesnt seem to get why this would be stressful for me, I'm forced to be the one to act mature and invite her and just hope she doesnt come.
    Posted by phfiely[/QUOTE]

    <div>Really? He asked what kind of dress she should wear? I would tell him that since she is just a guest it doesn't matter, and I would tell him that she will not be escorted down the isle. That is reserved for mothers/step-mothers and grandmothers of the bride and groom. Now if he was married to her, then unfortunately she would be escorted down the isle, but in this situation there is nothing that says she is anything more than a guest. </div>
    ~Emily~
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    edited August 2012
    In Response to Re:Awkward situation with dad..:In Response to Re: Awkward situation with dad..:rsanna I'm not sure why you got so bent out of shape. I asked for advice or similar personal experiences and I was given the correct etiquette advice. Other posters also shared their feelings when they were in the same situation. That doesn't change the fact that my feelings are hurt that my dad would choose to bring her to one event on one evening that obviously is very important to me. I have shared my feelings about her with my dad in the past about non wedding related things. He's my dad, and I don' think honest communication is bratty. That's absurd. Talking not arguing ornbsp;throwing a tantrumnbsp;to someone about how you feel about their behavior isnbsp;a mature way to handle things and I'm not sure how you construed that as me being spoiled. It seems incongruous that such a bratty rude person as myself would reach out for advice on an etiquette board. Thanks to the girls who gave constructive advice. It's also nice to hear from people who have dealt with something similar.Posted by phfielyObviously OP, as I mentioned before I did not intend to come off thaway towards you, but more to the other people giving you bad advice as I mentioned in my first post. This is the way I see you: "Dad, your GF makes me uncomfortable." nbsp;That is okay. nbsp;This is the way the some of the other posters are coming across: "Dad, your GF is not allowed at my wedding. nbsp;I don't like her and she makes me uncomfortable." nbsp;The first is expressing yourself. nbsp;The second is breaking etiquette and telling your dad what to do.Also ditto Lynda and Stage. Posted by rsanna How can you ditto Stage when her response was completely opposite of yours? OP, it's one thing to tell your father that you are uncomfortable being around her at non wedding related things. You should be honest with him and let him know how you feel about her being at your rehearsal and wedding. You sound like a much sweeter person than I am because if it were my father I would tell him he was outside his mind to think he could bring her. Especially to the intimate rehearsal and front row seat at your ceremony.
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    SVPW, because Stage did say to invite her to the wedding. Just not the RD.
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    I've not been in this situation, but I do have stepparents, some who I am closer to than others.  OP, I would do whatever is going to be least hurtful to your dad and to your relationship with him.  That probably means inviting GF to the rehearsal dinner (although I can see Stage's point if you have a relatively small group, say less than 20) and to the wedding.  She doesn't need any of the pomp and circumstance, doesn't need to sit in the front row, doesn't need a corsage - and you don't need to give her any dress guidance.  She's a guest, albeit one who is less welcome than others.

    I do think this is one of those times where keeping in mind that the wedding itself is one day is helpful.  You don't want to hurt your relationship with your dad over this one event, especially since you have been close.  Yes, it would be fabulous if this woman decided not to attend, but she may not be that perceptive, and since she seems to be a significant part of her father's life, being the bigger person and being cordial will be important in the long-term.  Good luck! 
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    NYU The Dad's GF is not at fault here. She would have had no one to be with if the father was not looking outside his marriage. It's his fault. OPpersonally, my parents are divorced. My mother is now very promiscuous. I didn't want to allow her to bring a guest because I didn't want some random guy at my wedding. I put on my big girl panties and decided it would cause too much drama to not allow her a guest. Because the wedding stops being MY DAY when I started including other people. You need to pick and choose your battles here.
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    willywally5willywally5 member
    First Comment
    edited August 2012
    I love how some of these Daddy's girls tend to overlook the fact that their dear sweet daddies HAD AFFAIRS ON THEIR MOTHERS and place all the blame on what they feel are home-wrecking sluts, even though they are the women THEIR FATHERS CHOSE. 

    But when these girls become brides, it's all peaches and cream about having daddy walk them down the aisle and have a father/daughter dance. And, oh yeah, at least in some cases, to let him foot the bill for the wedding. (Don't know if that's the case with OP or not, but it has been with others.) 

    What a crock of crap. 'He's my beloved daddy and he was somehow lured away from our happy home by this gutterslut Siren who overpowered him with some sort of magical spell." Completely contradictory to reality and absurd. And using such a bogus idea to justify being a rude snot to your supposedly beloved daddy makes me stabby. (Especially if you are OK enough with his choices enough to accept his money, but won't accept his SO.)

    Dad's girlfriend is his choice for a companion and his SO at this point in his life. If you don't like her, fine. But since you seem to think your father can do no wrong, then you'd damn well better learn to deal with his choices and respect him and whoever he chooses as a mate as a social unit. 

    Invite dad's SO to the wedding and RD and treat her like any other guest. She gets to sit next to Daddy Dearest, where ever you deem is appropriate, whether it be front row, third row or in the goddamn coat room of the church. (If grown ups can't sit quietly and civilly in the same row for a ceremony, they have some serious growing up to do.) Since they aren't married, you don't need to do anything else. 

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-situation-with-dad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2c8ed69-f23c-4ac5-a6d7-e70a97787858Post:20302e0a-68a6-40b7-8330-9d8ad62bfbbe">Re: Awkward situation with dad..</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you for the thoughtful advice above. I hadn't even considered the parent annoucements-good point. I'll ask my DJ what he's done in similar situations for announcements. As someone mentioned about corsages, I only planned on getting them for our actual mothers (all grandmothers have passed away). I'm trying to avoid my wedding being uncomfortable for me as well as all of the family attending.<strong> I guess I'm more surprised that my dad would even want to bring her. I would absolutely die of shame if I were in her situation, but I guess we already know she doesn't have a strict moral code lol.</strong>
    Posted by phfiely[/QUOTE]

    <div>But your dad shouldn't 'die of shame" and DOES have a 'strict moreal code'?  Interesting. </div><div>
    </div><div>I totall get not feeling OK about this woman being around. But blaming solely her is absurd. And I'm no fan of infidelity by any means and think it's deplorable. Both of them are to blame. </div><div>
    </div><div>And if you can put up with her at Christmas or other holidays, you can put up with her at the wedding. There will be about a zillion other people there for you to entertain. Take a cue from your seemingly gracious mother and just roll with it. </div>
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    willywally5willywally5 member
    First Comment
    edited August 2012
    I totally agree that all the cheaters are asshats, and this woman is a homewrecking slut for sure. What I don't agree with is this blind reasoning that it's ALL one persons's fault. The dad is equally to blame. It definitely takes two to have an affair. In the couple of cases I've seen recently here on TK, it's Daddy Dearest who seems to be Mr. Innocent. 

    Not going to judge about your aunt and her H; she isn't your parent. Big difference in my book. 

    Also, your uninvited Uncle Douche has an actual history of behaving horribly at weddings, so you at least have a precedent to argue and possibly justify it. OP and NYU's precedent is 'She screwed my dad and messed up my nuclear family.' While that sucks, I'm pretty sure that Daddy Dearest and his slut-puppy GF aren't going to screw in the middle of the reception. 


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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-situation-with-dad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2c8ed69-f23c-4ac5-a6d7-e70a97787858Post:7d42478d-269e-4e44-9c2c-bc81ad77d167">Re: Awkward situation with dad..</a>:
    [QUOTE]I love how some of these Daddy's girls tend to overlook the fact that their dear sweet daddies HAD AFFAIRS ON THEIR MOTHERS and place all the blame on what they feel are home-wrecking sluts, even though they are the women THEIR FATHERS CHOSE.  But when these girls become brides, it's all peaches and cream about having daddy walk them down the aisle and have a father/daughter dance. And, oh yeah, at least in some cases, to let him foot the bill for the wedding. (Don't know if that's the case with OP or not, but it has been with others.)  What a crock of crap. 'He's my beloved daddy and he was somehow lured away from our happy home by this gutterslut Siren who overpowered him with some sort of magical spell." Completely contradictory to reality and absurd. And using such a bogus idea to justify being a rude snot to your supposedly beloved daddy makes me stabby. (Especially if you are OK enough with his choices enough to accept his money, but won't accept his SO.) Dad's girlfriend is his choice for a companion and his SO at this point in his life. If you don't like her, fine. But since you seem to think your father can do no wrong, then you'd damn well better learn to deal with his choices and respect him and whoever he chooses as a mate as a social unit.  Invite dad's SO to the wedding and RD and treat her like any other guest. She gets to sit next to Daddy Dearest, where ever you deem is appropriate, whether it be front row, third row or in the goddamn coat room of the church. (If grown ups can't sit quietly and civilly in the same row for a ceremony, they have some serious growing up to do.) Since they aren't married, you don't need to do anything else. 
    Posted by willywally5[/QUOTE]

    <div>first - Listen to Willy - she is wise.  She is spot on  here.</div><div>
    </div><div>Willy - gutterslut siren.  I love you.  I will find a way to worm that little phrase into conversation several times over the next week.  Hope DD's wedding is coming together, you are down to the wire!</div>
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    willywally5willywally5 member
    First Comment
    edited August 2012
    Two weeks from tonight, KMM! AHHHH! Things are coming together nicely. YAY!

    ETA: I can't take credit for gutterslut. I learned that fab word here on TK. Just added the siren part. : )
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    Ditto Wally on all counts. WallyI just love your way with words.
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    What wally said was what I was trying to say. She just did it better.
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    In Response to Re:Awkward situation with dad..:[QUOTE]MrsG My mom keeps saying "don't worry about me" and I know that she wouldn't make a scene or cause any issues, but she was pretty surprised when I told her that my dad planned on bringing his GF. I think we both have the same thoughtwhy would she want to go? Seems like torture to be at an event knowing that the bride and groom don't want you there. As a side note, I understand that people move on. I would have no issues with my dad bringing a woman he was datingI just think it's inappropriatenbsp;for him to bring the woman he decided to "date" while he was still married. Isn't there some kind of etiquette regarding not bring a mistress who helped break up a marriage to a marriage ceremony?! ; Posted by phfiely[/QUOTE]

    I personally think your "lack of etiquette" in not inviting her is way less than her lack of etiquette in sleeping with your married father. I wouldn't invite her, no way in hell, but that's up to you to break the etiquette rule here. You will probably upset your father but putting myself in that position I wouldn't be catering to either of their feelings after what the two of them put your family through. I'm pretty spiteful, though.
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