Groom's family involvement

Matty143

I don't get why you wouldn't be invited to her shower if you see her almost weekly and you do hang out sometimes? Thats odd to me.

Megbo2012

Alex, I'm really sorry.  It seems like you are putting in all the effort, and FSIL still isn't including you.  I think the bachelorette is one thing, but the shower/RD is another. I was under the assumption that immediate family would be invited to both of those. 

J&K10910

Guys, the bride doesn't control the shower guest list, and there is no RD.

AlexBT89

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:61c970a4-2c27-453b-9558-2d1e981c33f9">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't get why you wouldn't be invited to her shower if you see her almost weekly and you do hang out sometimes? Thats odd to me.
Posted by Matty143[/QUOTE]

I find it a bit odd too, but I have heard of the groom's female relatives not being invited to showers before and I know some brides do include the groom's female relatives at the showers.

AlexBT89

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:e7c7fb06-c25a-4256-8207-a1e558f50091">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you close to your brother?  I would think it was a little strange if you were close and no people in your family were participating in the wedding when the bride's family will be (although being a guest book attendant or passing out programs can be crap jobs).   If you're not good friends with the bride, I don't see why you would be invited to the bachelorette.   We had all of our siblings participate in the ceremony (my two brothers, DH's brother and two sisters).  
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

Those jobs might seem like crap jobs, but I wouldn't mind doing them to represent my brother.

KellyBrian2013

I still think the beef here should be with your brother. Is there a reason he chose not to include his sisters at all?

FWIW, I have both FI's sister and FI's SIL standing with me. I admit, I'm not particularly close to either of them but we get along and, as it is a blending of families, I'm excited for them to stand with me. FI is also including my brother as a GM. That said, when you look at who (family) is involved in the wedding, I have: my brother. FI has: 2 brothers, 1 sister, 1 SIL, 2 cousins.

If my family feels slighted, they haven't told me - but it wasn't intended that way. FI picked who he was closest to, I picked who I was closest too. It never occurred to me that it could be misconstrued as one side being favored over the other - perhaps your brother is unaware of how you feel?

AlexBT89

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:95ff0cda-4f5b-4aee-a2e6-da2966065292">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
[QUOTE]I still think the beef here should be with your brother. Is there a reason he chose not to include his sisters at all? FWIW, I have both FI's sister and FI's SIL standing with me. I admit, I'm not particularly close to either of them but we get along and, as it is a blending of families, I'm excited for them to stand with me. FI is also including my brother as a GM. That said, when you look at who (family) is involved in the wedding, I have: my brother. FI has: 2 brothers, 1 sister, 1 SIL, 2 cousins. If my family feels slighted, they haven't told me - but it wasn't intended that way. FI picked who he was closest to, I picked who I was closest too. It never occurred to me that it could be misconstrued as one side being favored over the other - perhaps your brother is unaware of how you feel?
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

I don't think my brother is aware and I agree the beef should be with him. I am a bit disappointed that the brides has refused our offers to help her.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:bb9853a3-4b22-4cd5-9f35-0a1448da9548">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's family involvement : I don't think my brother is aware and I agree the beef should be with him. I am a bit disappointed that the brides has refused our offers to help her.
Posted by AlexBT89[/QUOTE]

Please don't take it personally... I have gotten very minimal help from FIs family despite it being offered. To be honest, it's been sort of fun for something me and my mom can bond over since I moved out of her home. We've done most everything just her and I (or with FI, but he generally drags his feet because he doesn't really seem to care about wedding stuff)...

I did ask FMIL and FSIL if they'd like to go dress shopping with me, so they were there when I bought my dress. But FSIL ran out for Chinese food when I had my "ah-ha!" moment with my dress LOL). And FMIL joined us to look at 2 of the venues when we first started searching, but that's about the extent of the inclusion. It's nothing against them... it's more that I don't really feel like I need the help, especially when my mom has been so awesome about helping.

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:bb9853a3-4b22-4cd5-9f35-0a1448da9548">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's family involvement : I don't think my brother is aware and I agree the beef should be with him. I am a bit disappointed that the brides has refused our offers to help her.
Posted by AlexBT89[/QUOTE]

<div>It sounds like you need to have a serious talk with your brother.  PP (I think it was J&K) suggested some good ideas, like offering to throw her a shower for the groom's side or a local girls' night out.  </div>

AlexBT89

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:86e0b216-1782-46d3-bcb4-f906b5894c6a">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's family involvement : It sounds like you need to have a serious talk with your brother.  PP (I think it was J&K) suggested some good ideas, like offering to throw her a shower for the groom's side or a local girls' night out.  
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

I will think about possibly doing those things more, but I wouldn't know how to tell her about the idea of having a shower for the groom's side, I don't want to offend her there.

RebeccaB88

Guys, don't we always tell brides that they are to choose and involve those they are closest to, and whom they want to involve, and that they don't have to justify those choices to anyone?  So why should we encourage the OP to force her brother to involve them, just because they feel left out? 

The groom has chosen not to involve them. The bride prefers to do things herself or have her family members help.  That sucks for the groom's family, but we do tell people that they don't HAVE to involve everyone, and it's okay to tell people that they've got planning under control. 

FWIW, my FI's family will not be involved in the wedding at all, except as guests.  This is on request of my FI, and I respect this.  One of his cousins will be a bridesmaid, but that's because they are close and I consider her a friend as well as future family member.  Otherwise, they get an invitation.  (He does not have sisters, so I don't have to worry about that part.)  I truly don't need their help, and they aren't paying for anything, so they don't get a say in how we do things.  I was my sister's MOH, and I had absolutely no involvement in planning, and was just told what dress to get and when to be there. 

For some people, this process is extremely personal and private.  They're more comfortable doing things quietly, at their leisure, and making their own decisions. Others want to make a party out of everything, want help making decisions, and like lots of involvement. No one way is better than the other. 

I do think that, if you feel left out, reach out to her as a friend and future family member, not as a bride. Leave the wedding out of it.  Invite her for lunch, or on some non-wedding activity, or call her just to see how she's doing.  If she repeatedly turns these things down, then check with your brother to see if something might be up. 

KellyBrian2013

No one is telling the OP to beg her brother to let her be a BM. But if she is harboring hurt feelings over not being included in any way, it may be worth it to discuss with her brother - rather than the bride - that they are willing to host a shower or help in another way.

I, for one, would be really upset if I found out after the fact that my brother was hurt at not being included in my wedding (if he wasn't a GM, that is)... I'd have to ask why he wouldn't bring it to my attention. If OP is close with her brother (which she says she is), then she should be able to approach him about the situation.

That said, there is a BIG difference between saying:
"Bro, how come I'm not a bridesmaid? How come I'm not invited to XYZ events?"

And saying:
"I understand that FSIL has things pretty well covered, but we are filling a little left out of the loop and would like to be more involved. Is there anything we can do for you, like hosting another shower or XYZ?"

Jana711

If you're not particularly close to the bride, there is no reason that you should be invited to her B party or even the shower, IMHO.  Those parties are usually reserved for the bride's nearest and dearest family and friends.

Also, it is quite possible that the bride already has anything under control and just doesn't need any help.  It's also known that involving too many people in your plans can be chaotic.  That's exactly why FI and I are the only ones involved in the planning and organizing of our wedding.

Try not to take it too personally.

COSmitty

FMIL has offered repeatedly to help... each time FI and I are planning on working on something I ask if he's mentioned it to her and it's usually... oh ok I will. Then a week or so later she asks me a question and I realize for ever 200 words I tell him she gets 10 of them and usually he forgets to ask her.

I know my family- I know who I can ask for what and that if I throw a fit they'll still love me and put up with my tears. Wedding stuff is stressful (even just assembling little things) and let me tell you I don't necessarily want FI's family (who I'm not super close to) exposed to me at my frustrated point.

So it may just be she doesn't want you to see her at her crazy stressed. It may be that she's cool with you but men can be lame at communication. And it may just be that she's not certain how to involve you. 

We have a different challenge... FI's family hates things with crowds and my family is a crowd so hopefully we strike the right balance.

Good luck and give them the benefit of the doubt. 

sweetcanadian1979

I think it is weird that you are not invited to the shower, yes groom's family is not always invited but usually IMMEDIATE family would be. I would talk to your brother about this immediately. 

My ex best friend's SIL did not invite her or her mom to any events at all (yes the bride doesn't do the inviting but usually they DO give a list), she made all their favors & a whole bunch of stuff for them & they were treated like crap the whole time. I hope that won't be the case for you.

As for the bachelorette party as many pps suggested you invite your closest friends. I was thinking of inviting FSIL's but then someone said to me would you invite them if they were not married to your fiance's brothers, i said nope & that settled it. I won't be inviting any of them. The shower of course they all are invited. 

AlexBT89

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:ef7ce522-752c-4e83-a5b7-fc3b81a11fa4">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
[QUOTE]Guys, don't we always tell brides that they are to choose and involve those they are closest to, and whom they want to involve, and that they don't have to justify those choices to anyone?  So why should we encourage the OP to force her brother to involve them, just because they feel left out?  The groom has chosen not to involve them. The bride prefers to do things herself or have her family members help.  That sucks for the groom's family, but we do tell people that they don't HAVE to involve everyone, and it's okay to tell people that they've got planning under control.  FWIW, my FI's family will not be involved in the wedding at all, except as guests.  This is on request of my FI, and I respect this.  One of his cousins will be a bridesmaid, but that's because they are close and I consider her a friend as well as future family member.  Otherwise, they get an invitation.  (He does not have sisters, so I don't have to worry about that part.)  I truly don't need their help, and they aren't paying for anything, so they don't get a say in how we do things.  I was my sister's MOH, and I had absolutely no involvement in planning, and was just told what dress to get and when to be there.  For some people, this process is extremely personal and private.  They're more comfortable doing things quietly, at their leisure, and making their own decisions. Others want to make a party out of everything, want help making decisions, and like lots of involvement. No one way is better than the other.  I do think that, if you feel left out, reach out to her as a friend and future family member, not as a bride. Leave the wedding out of it.  Invite her for lunch, or on some non-wedding activity, or call her just to see how she's doing.  If she repeatedly turns these things down, then check with your brother to see if something might be up. 
Posted by RebeccaB88[/QUOTE]

My sister and I don't want to help her make any decisions we would like to be around when she is planning or doing certain things. If we had gone cake tasting with her we wouldn't given our opinions.

I have invited her several times for non-wedding acitivies and I communicate with her a couple of times a week on phone or online. I might ask my brother if something is up.

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:ef7ce522-752c-4e83-a5b7-fc3b81a11fa4">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
[QUOTE]Guys, don't we always tell brides that they are to choose and involve those they are closest to, and whom they want to involve, and that they don't have to justify those choices to anyone?  So why should we encourage the OP to force her brother to involve them, just because they feel left out?  The groom has chosen not to involve them. The bride prefers to do things herself or have her family members help.  That sucks for the groom's family, but we do tell people that they don't HAVE to involve everyone, and it's okay to tell people that they've got planning under control.  FWIW, my FI's family will not be involved in the wedding at all, except as guests.  This is on request of my FI, and I respect this.  One of his cousins will be a bridesmaid, but that's because they are close and I consider her a friend as well as future family member.  Otherwise, they get an invitation.  (He does not have sisters, so I don't have to worry about that part.)  I truly don't need their help, and they aren't paying for anything, so they don't get a say in how we do things.  I was my sister's MOH, and I had absolutely no involvement in planning, and was just told what dress to get and when to be there.  For some people, this process is extremely personal and private.  They're more comfortable doing things quietly, at their leisure, and making their own decisions. Others want to make a party out of everything, want help making decisions, and like lots of involvement. No one way is better than the other.  I do think that, if you feel left out, reach out to her as a friend and future family member, not as a bride. Leave the wedding out of it.  Invite her for lunch, or on some non-wedding activity, or call her just to see how she's doing.  If she repeatedly turns these things down, then check with your brother to see if something might be up. 
Posted by RebeccaB88[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>DH and I planned our wedding ourselves.  However, I still asked that my MIL and SIL be invited to the shower, and we would have found some way to involve them if they had asked.  My MIL gave us a fabric floral thing that she had dyed for us to use as a decoration.  Not something we would have picked, but we found a spot to put it--it's not worth offending family over something so trivial.  </div><div>
</div><div>I don't think anyone is saying that OP should be a bridesmaid, be at every fitting, appointment, etc., but she's going to be part of the family, the bride could find some way to involve her.  My guess is that OP's brother isn't that involved in planning and has no clue that his family wants to be involved or what they could be helping with, but I think that a conversation with him is the best place to start.  In your case, your FI has asked that his family's involvement be limited, so I see it as a totally different scenario.</div>

GracieWeds

I have to say, I think it's rude for the bride not include your family. Esp, if your brother is having her family members in his wedding party, she should recipricate and involve you and your sister. I just think that's the kind thing to do.

That being said, talk to your brother and express your concern. Tell him how you feel and that you really want to be there for youf FSIL.

AlexBT89

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:9713dea2-88d9-4d25-81f9-4db6bf7f97af">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's family involvement : DH and I planned our wedding ourselves.  However, I still asked that my MIL and SIL be invited to the shower, and we would have found some way to involve them if they had asked.  My MIL gave us a fabric floral thing that she had dyed for us to use as a decoration.  Not something we would have picked, but we found a spot to put it--it's not worth offending family over something so trivial.   I<strong> don't think anyone is saying that OP should be a bridesmaid, be at every fitting, appointment, etc., but she's going to be part of the family, the bride could find some way to involve her. </strong> My guess is that OP's brother isn't that involved in planning and has no clue that his family wants to be involved or what they could be helping with, but I think that a conversation with him is the best place to start.  In your case, your FI has asked that his family's involvement be limited, so I see it as a totally different scenario.
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

This part is what I mean. It's not that I want to be every planning event or be a bridesmaid. I just to be involved in some way.