To shower or not...

kepack

I’m on the fence about having a bridal shower and would love some input!  My “issues” – My finance and I are not 20-somethings starting a new life where we need a blender, etc.  Our registry is for money for our honeymoon, but I did a small traditional store registry incase people did not want to do just cash. 

My family is scattered all around the country as well as my fiancé’s friends and family – so a local shower isn’t going to happen.  My friends who I consider “my girls” and who I would want a bridal shower with are in another state.  They are not in my wedding, but invited, so it’s not a BM duty for any of them and I don’t have any plans to see them before my wedding.  My BMs are scattered around too.  My mom is really not all that interested in my wedding – she has her own issues which are for another discussion board!  I’d love my mom to do a surprise shower for me in my hometown with my friends and family there.  But, that will not happen. 

So, a friend of mine, who is also a co-worker and invited, wants to throw a bridal shower for me after I mentioned to her that I didn’t think I was going to have a shower due to this issue and that.  But, I just can’t get jazzed up about it and am on the fence to tell her thanks, I appreciate it, but no thanks.  The friend who wants to throw the bridal shower wants to do a couples shower aka happy hour and is inviting all people from the office.  She is the only person being invited to the wedding from the office.  I’m hugely uncomfortable about doing a shower with people who are not invited to the wedding.  It feels like a gift grab and I’m uncomfortable about gifts from co-workers that I don’t hang out with outside of the office.  And, being all office people, it doesn’t include my friends outside of work – but it’s a big enough crowd with co-workers, I’d hate to ask her to add in more people.

Then, my friend has made some recent “complaints” about having to organizing a shower and is slowly starting to put a lot of the details on me…  Then on the other hand, I have a friend who said she had like 10 showers, including an office thing and invited people who weren’t attending her wedding.  She said people are happy for you to get married and are happy to be involved, even if just a shower and they’re not invited. 

So, do I just go along with it and be gracious and grateful – or say thanks, but no thanks?

Brie2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_shower-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f37bb3a1-0857-4001-b036-0e5846fdeb79Post:4b5677d2-30d1-4395-aa81-0d4316075f36">To shower or not...</a>:
[QUOTE]I’m on the fence about having a bridal shower and would love some input!   My “issues” – My finance and I are not 20-somethings starting a new life where we need a blender, etc.   Our registry is for money for our honeymoon, but I did a small traditional store registry incase people did not want to do just cash.   My family is scattered all around the country as well as my fiancé’s friends and family – so a local shower isn’t going to happen.   My friends who I consider “my girls” and who I would want a bridal shower with are in another state.   They are not in my wedding, but invited, so it’s not a BM duty for any of them and I don’t have any plans to see them before my wedding.   My BMs are scattered around too.   My mom is really not all that interested in my wedding – she has her own issues which are for another discussion board!   I’d love my mom to do a surprise shower for me in my hometown with my friends and family there.   But, that will not happen.   So, a friend of mine, who is also a co-worker and invited, wants to throw a bridal shower for me after I mentioned to her that I didn’t think I was going to have a shower due to this issue and that.   But, I just can’t get jazzed up about it and am on the fence to tell her thanks, I appreciate it, but no thanks.   The friend who wants to throw the bridal shower wants to do a couples shower aka happy hour and is inviting all people from the office.   She is the only person being invited to the wedding from the office.   I’m hugely uncomfortable about doing a shower with people who are not invited to the wedding.   It feels like a gift grab and I’m uncomfortable about gifts from co-workers that I don’t hang out with outside of the office.   And, being all office people, it doesn’t include my friends outside of work – but it’s a big enough crowd with co-workers, I’d hate to ask her to add in more people.   Then, my friend has made some recent “complaints” about having to organizing a shower and is slowly starting to put a lot of the details on me…   Then on the other hand, I have a friend who said she had like 10 showers, including an office thing and invited people who weren’t attending her wedding.   She said people are happy for you to get married and are happy to be involved, even if just a shower and they’re not invited.   So, do I just go along with it and be gracious and grateful – or say thanks, but no thanks?
Posted by kepack[/QUOTE]

No.  Honeymoon registries are tacky.  Showers for honeymoon registries are even tackier.

Please decline.

baystateapple

First, paragraphs are your friend.

Second, you're right, it's rude to have a shower where certain guests are not also invited to the wedding.  You can tell your coworker that you appreciate her offering to throw you a shower, but you don't think it would be polite or fair to invite people who are also not invited to the wedding.  Then go from there.

danieliza1127

I think you need to tell your work friend, "thanks but no thanks".  For one, it sounds like maybe she just offered because she felt bad for you.  Also, you don't really even want it.  Also also, you shouldn't invite anyone to any pre-wedding parties if they aren't going to be invited to the wedding.  Usually work showers are an exception here, but with everything else going on, I think I'd just say no.  It doesn't sound like this is the kind of "shower" you want and I would feel awkward inviting my co-workers out for happy hour and expecting them to bring me wedding gifts because it's a "shower".  My vote is just say no.

Sloane99

I think with larger groups, churches, offices etc, that it's normal to want to celebrate and there's a recognition that you can't invite everyone. Smaller, organized afternoon-type showers are rude to have people that aren't invited and it's extremely gift-grabby.

What about just going for drinks with co-workers to celebrate your upcoming nuptials, bring your FI and have a good time? Not a shower, this doesn't even really sound like a shower to me but a way for everyone to get together.

Also, FYI in regards to actual showers you really shouldn't be that involved, just let people know you'd rather not do one. I think with your guest list scattered across the country this isn't really appropriate anyways.

kikibaby

Two things first:  1) Paragraphs 2) Punctuation.

I think you should say thanks, but no thanks to the shower.  Because this?: She said people are happy for you to get married and are happy to be involved, even if just a shower and they’re not invited. 

Not true.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_shower-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f37bb3a1-0857-4001-b036-0e5846fdeb79Post:54b84b6c-bfa7-427c-b8f9-097135d7270d">Re: To shower or not...</a>:
[QUOTE] What about just going for drinks with co-workers to celebrate your upcoming nuptials, bring your FI and have a good time? Not a shower, this doesn't even really sound like a shower to me but a way for everyone to get together.
Posted by Sloane99[/QUOTE]

I just think something like this would be better after the wedding, not before.   It's kind of presumptuous to think that all of your co-workers want to celebrate your upcoming wedding that they aren't invited to.  I think something like this definitely needs to be organized by someone else, not the bride or groom.  For example, when I got married, my co-workers surprised me with a cake and a card that had a gift card in it that they all  pitched in for.  It was an awesome surprise!  However, that's quite different than me planning my own thing and asking everyone to come celebrate me and my wedding.  You know what I mean?

I guess I'm saying, if your co-worker who originally offered is now putting it on you to throw it, just say no thanks.

Sloane99

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_shower-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f37bb3a1-0857-4001-b036-0e5846fdeb79Post:84fb98af-172a-4dea-abad-26c1be1a0da1">Re: To shower or not...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To shower or not... : I just think something like this would be better after the wedding, not before.   It's kind of presumptuous to think that all of your co-workers want to celebrate your upcoming wedding that they aren't invited to.  I think something like this definitely needs to be organized by someone else, not the bride or groom.  For example, when I got married, my co-workers surprised me with a cake and a card that had a gift card in it that they all  pitched in for.  It was an awesome surprise!  However, that's quite different than me planning my own thing and asking everyone to come celebrate me and my wedding.  You know what I mean? I guess I'm saying, if your co-worker who originally offered is now putting it on you to throw it, just say no thanks.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

Fair point, I agree after is better, I was just trying to think of an event that wasn't shower-like.

MacFreitas7

OP YOU SAID: "Our registry is for money for our honeymoon, but I did a small traditional store registry incase people did not want to do just cash."
 


thanks, but no thanks.

kepack

First, I added some paragraphs!  lol!  I was in a hurry when posting and didn't even think about it! 

Second, my initial feeling was the whole thing was not good idea and I was very uneasy about it.  Thanks to your comments I can say thanks but no thanks without feeling like I am being rude or ungrateful.  I appreciate the advice!  

But, based on the comments - now I have to ask is our honeymoon registry really tacky??  My fiance and I have been living together for 3 years, we own our house and we're 100% paying for our wedding ourselves.  We have even paid for our honeymoon.  Our wedding invitees are 80% family - who I presumed will give us money if they're giving anything so I thought why not just do the honeymoon registry so they can give money towards something versus just writing a check.  I was also hoping the honeymoon registry would deter our family members from buying random stuff.  We did a small store registry to cover those who may want to do a traditional gift.  

Thanks again!  I'm 59 days away from our wedding and am losing my mind and second guessing everything!  Eek!!   

twinkie757

The acceptable practice when you'd perfer to get money instead of gifts is for it to be spread by word of mouth. Please don't be the person spreading this information though.

danieliza1127

My H and I had also been living together for 3 years when we got married but we found tons of stuff to register for, like a nice set of dishes and baking stuff and a food processor and utensils, all the stuff I wanted but wouldn't necessarily spend money on for ourselves.  We got a LOT of gifts and we did get some cash as well.  I think you'd be surprised.  People do like registries because it gives them an idea of what you want, some people just don't like to give cash. 

Is there really nothing you guys want?  New towels or sheets?  Kitchen gadgets?  Small decor items like shelves or ottomans?

I don't have an opinion on the honeymoon registry but yes there are people here who do have STRONG opinions against them.

LuluP82

I think honeymoon registries are tacky just because everyone knows it's just cash anyway. And sometimes, they charge your guests for the priviledge of giving you cash. If people want to give money, they will. You can also have people spread the word you'd rather have cash.

My super close friends have asked me what we really want, and told me to be honest. I said we'd rather have cash, since we're saving for a downpayment. They're telling anyone who asks them.

We also registered for a bunch of upgrades, and random stuff we could use more of. We've also lived together for awhile, and have clearly not been eating off paper plates for the past 3 years. But still, we know some people would rather give an actual present, so we've registered for some stuff. If I were you, I'd nix the honeymoon registry and just add items to your traditional registry if it starts running low.

TTiger03

I had a friend that didn't register at all.  She got a few random gifts, but her family (traditional Vietnamese women) all brought red envelopes with money.  I don't know if that is tradition or not, but since she didn't ask for anything they all did it.  --My gift to her was helping her with the wedding since she wanted something more "American" and needed a LOT of help.

I say if you don't want to register for anything at all (though it's likely you can find something you might like as the previous posts have suggested) then anyone who wants to give you money will give you money anyway.  

Anyway you cut it, don't expect gifts from anyone.

As for your original post, agreed -- skip the shower.  They aren't a wedding requirement and it doesn't sound like you would have fun anyway. If the work friend wants to/ insists on doing something you can suggest a double date or something else you would both enjoy and leave the rest of your coworkers out of it.