Wedding Etiquette Forum
Options

Students at my wedding?

2»

Re: Students at my wedding?

  • Options
    I'm just going to throw this out there as an option; have you thought about not inviting them to the wedding or reception but instead having some sort of gathering the next time they are all in town to "catch" up. You could find out what has been going on in their lives (since you seem to do so anyways) but you could also bring some pictures from the ceremony and reception for them to see. 

    This would obviously just be for the students who have shown some interest and not as just an open invite. 
  • Options
    Plus kids that age wont understand how to give good presents. 
    image
  • Options
    edited November 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_students-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f482b030-8793-4591-b567-c19bf6309061Post:d3599814-8dd7-42bd-af14-4cf563cd6f4b">Students at my wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]students a mass email indicating basically that I would love for them to be there (which is the truth),<strong> but explain the costs</strong> (they're between the ages of 17-20, so they don't understand the craziness of wedding pricing) and say that they are welcome to come to the ceremony, grab a bite to eat somewhere, and then stop by the reception to boogy the night away, but that I cannot extend a formal invitation to them for the full reception. I realize that this is normally frowned upon to have a tiered reception/guest list for the reception, but considering the circumstance, it is still an option to consider.... Maybe.Posted by ravensbride49[/QUOTE]

    I really feel like this, emailing to explain how much [your parents] are spending on the wedding, is the worst part of what you're proposing with option 2.  First of all, the assumption that they don't understand "the craziness of wedding pricing" is somewhat presumptuous.

    Second, I feel like in nearly all instances it's pretty tacky to tell guests, potential guests, and especially uninvited guests how much you're spending on their dinner (or on the dinner they're not invited to eat.)

    Finally, by using cost as the reason why they're not invited to dinner you're basically quantifying how much they're worth to you.  Think about what you're saying.  You are saying: I value our relationship and would love to have you there, but it's not worth $140 for me to have you there.  Or if you are not saying something about their value to you, you are at the very least saying that they are too young to appreciate a nice dinner, and that of course they should understand that it would be ridiculous for anyone to spend that much money on a dinner for <em>them </em>(while somehow it is not ridiculous to spend that much money on dinner for the rest of the guests.)  And they should be perfectly happy to eat fast food instead.

    Option 4: Set up a kid's table for your 20 year old students and feed them hot dogs and mac and cheese.
    image
  • Options
    Well thank you all for your feedback. There were some valid points raised, certainly. Though I would love to have these three girls there (as one poster pointed out, yes, I have become a family friend and have a closer relationship with these girls and their families. As in, I considered inviting all three entire families to the wedding because I cherish those relationships that much.... Like I said, it was a Christian school setting, which fosters closer relationships than public school settings. I was welcomed into these families, mainly b/c I was a younger teacher w/o any family in the area), there are many different complications of inviting just them. I hadn't even thought about the possibility of them obtaining alcohol, as another poster suggested might happen.

    And, of course, I do not want to hurt other of my former students, despite the closer relationship I have with the three I mentioned (and, for the record, as I said in my OP, I didn't play favorites in the classroom, despite what some have assumed). But, neither do I really have a desire to have them at my celebration (as I stated numerous times, I am NOT their friend, but rather, am more of a teacher-mentor-youth minister. I do not pretend to be their friend and, in the case of crazy mom, who BELIEVED and WANTED her daughter to be my friend and took offense to the idea that our "friendship" had suffered, actually flat out declared my role as a mentor/teacher/etc etc etc and NOT a friend. Please read carefully before you start making judgments. I clearly stated I do not consider these people friends and clarified the relationship from my OP).

    I believe I will let them know that, due to financial constraints and in the spirit of fairness, none will be extended an invitation (which, for clarification, is basically how I was planning to word "option 2." I apologize if I gave the perception of being a complete bimbo or an arrogant bitch, but I would never flat-out tell any potential guests what the actual cost is, regardless of age or relationship to me). I may do what Saisongbird said (for those who asked, tell them they may come to the ceremony but not mention the reception) or something similar to KLB's suggestion (taking out those who are home over summer vacation, as I offer to do each break, and bring photos if they'd like to see them). But, considering the valid concerns some have voiced, I'll be limiting these former students' "involvement," including those three I mentioned.

    As a side note... That is fantastic that all of you that have chimed in with your own philosophies on educator's roles, but unfortunately for me, keeping my personal life personal was never an option. As I said, it was a Christian school where we were encouraged to have a "Christian mentor" relationship with the students. I kept it professional and know where my own boundaries are (which are apparently not as closed off as some of you are with your students-- to each his/her own. I've clarified more than once what kind of relationship I have with these students and it remains in the professional realm). However, as I mentioned, the school did not respect my private life and brought it into my professional one, so even if I had the desire for the strict boundaries that some of you are indignant I don't have, I could not. I lost my job because I made a decision about my personal life that my headmaster discovered (by digging, without my permission or knowledge). I was given a sex talk by the administration, told that my decision to move into the home we will share as husband and wife in five months was inappropriate, and was given the option of either allowing the administration to find me alternate housing with one of the school families (as in, living with a student and their family) until the wedding or resigning. So, despite what you may think, my boundaries are actually fairly conservative by this school's standards and yes, it IS different. Again, snap judgments without actually bothering to ascertain all the facts is really not necessary or helpful.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_students-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f482b030-8793-4591-b567-c19bf6309061Post:adad5921-0cc1-4bf6-91ec-193b4cda0858">Re: Students at my wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I didn't play favorites in the classroom, despite what some have assumed). <strong>But, neither do I really have a desire to have them at my celebration</strong> (as I stated numerous times, I am NOT their friend, but rather, am more of a teacher-mentor-youth minister. I do not pretend to be their friend
    Posted by ravensbride49[/QUOTE]
    Then this really wasn't an issue at all.  If you have no desire to have someone at your wedding, then you probably shouldn't invite them.  Very cut and dry.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_students-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f482b030-8793-4591-b567-c19bf6309061Post:8e14aafa-accd-4b00-b422-7ea2a88cf480">Re: Students at my wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Students at my wedding? : Then this really wasn't an issue at all.  If you have no desire to have someone at your wedding, then you probably shouldn't invite them.  Very cut and dry.
    Posted by vixey[/QUOTE]
    Perhaps you are right...  There were three students I wanted there, but the rest, while I'm not opposed to them witnessing our nuptials, I do not have a desire to have them there (see the distinction?). I guess the question was just about what is appropriate/fair/wise considering my desire to possibly invite those girls and not hurt the rest of them.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_students-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f482b030-8793-4591-b567-c19bf6309061Post:adad5921-0cc1-4bf6-91ec-193b4cda0858">Re: Students at my wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well thank you all for your feedback. There were some valid points raised, certainly. Though I would love to have these three girls there (as one poster pointed out, yes, I have become a family friend and have a closer relationship with these girls and their families. As in, I considered inviting all three entire families to the wedding because I cherish those relationships that much.... Like I said, it was a Christian school setting, which fosters closer relationships than public school settings. I was welcomed into these families, mainly b/c I was a younger teacher w/o any family in the area), there are many different complications of inviting just them. I hadn't even thought about the possibility of them obtaining alcohol, as another poster suggested might happen. And, of course, I do not want to hurt other of my former students, despite the closer relationship I have with the three I mentioned (and, for the record, as I said in my OP, I didn't play favorites in the classroom, despite what some have assumed). But, neither do I really have a desire to have them at my celebration (as I stated numerous times, I am NOT their friend, but rather, am more of a teacher-mentor-youth minister. I do not pretend to be their friend and, in the case of crazy mom, who BELIEVED and WANTED her daughter to be my friend and took offense to the idea that our "friendship" had suffered, actually flat out declared my role as a mentor/teacher/etc etc etc and NOT a friend. Please read carefully before you start making judgments. I clearly stated I do not consider these people friends and clarified the relationship from my OP). I believe I will let them know that, due to financial constraints and in the spirit of fairness, none will be extended an invitation (which, for clarification, is basically how I was planning to word "option 2." I apologize if I gave the perception of being a complete bimbo or an arrogant bitch, but I would never flat-out tell any potential guests what the actual cost is, regardless of age or relationship to me). I may do what Saisongbird said (for those who asked, tell them they may come to the ceremony but not mention the reception) or something similar to KLB's suggestion (taking out those who are home over summer vacation, as I offer to do each break, and bring photos if they'd like to see them). But, considering the valid concerns some have voiced, I'll be limiting these former students' "involvement," including those three I mentioned. As a side note... That is fantastic that all of you that have chimed in with your own philosophies on educator's roles, but unfortunately for me, <strong>keeping my personal life personal was never an option</strong>. As I said, it was a Christian school where we were encouraged to have a "Christian mentor" relationship with the students. I kept it professional and know where my own boundaries are (which are apparently not as closed off as some of you are with your students-- to each his/her own. I've clarified more than once what kind of relationship I have with these students and it remains in the professional realm). However, as I mentioned, the school did not respect my private life and brought it into my professional one, so even if I had the desire for the strict boundaries that some of you are indignant I don't have, I could not. I lost my job because I made a decision about my personal life that my headmaster discovered (by digging, without my permission or knowledge). I was given a sex talk by the administration, told that my decision to move into the home we will share as husband and wife in five months was inappropriate, and was given the option of either allowing the administration to find me alternate housing with one of the school families (as in, living with a student and their family) until the wedding or resigning. So, despite what you may think, my boundaries are actually fairly conservative by this school's standards and yes, it IS different. Again, snap judgments without actually bothering to ascertain all the facts is really not necessary or helpful.
    Posted by ravensbride49[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>If my child's teacher said this, I would be concerned, and forward that comment on the principal. </div><div>
    </div><div>I think you're getting too defensive - you asked for opinions and you got them. 

    </div>
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    edited November 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_students-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f482b030-8793-4591-b567-c19bf6309061Post:7e28a181-670d-4bb9-8202-c5d3dfb7e88f">Re: Students at my wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Students at my wedding? : If my child's teacher said this, I would be concerned, and forward that comment on the principal.  I think you're getting too defensive - you asked for opinions and you got them. 
    Posted by shoegal715[/QUOTE]
    Why would you be concerned? I am saying that the administration wouldn't let me keep my personal life my personal life, despite my wish to do so. If anything, I'd say the concern would be for what kind of administration digs into a teacher's personal life and makes it a professional issue.

    And perhaps I am being "too" defensive. I asked for opinions about different ideas about what to do with the various former students who would like to attend my wedding, yes. And I got some helpful feedback. But I also was judged negatively as a professional and was criticized by people who have no grasp of the professional situation in which I worked, based on assumptions and, even more irritating, just simply not reading my post thoroughly. This is where I take issue-- I wasn't asking for these criticisms and they bore no bearing on the situation for which I asked advice.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_students-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f482b030-8793-4591-b567-c19bf6309061Post:e0fab9a7-151d-4ee4-8d76-17c7e9cfaa93">Re: Students at my wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Students at my wedding? :<strong> Why would you be concerned? I am saying that the administration wouldn't let me keep my personal life my personal life, despite my wish to do so. If anything, I'd say the concern would be for what kind of administration digs into a teacher's personal life and makes it a professional issue. </strong>
    Posted by ravensbride49[/QUOTE]

    That seriously blows that they fired you for something in your personal life that is totally unrelated to your professional life.  Saying that as a consequence you didn't have a choice about keeping your professional and personal life separate is thus true in some ways, however it is not true in others.  They brought your personal life into your professional life but they did not thereby bring your professional relationships with students into your personal life.  I'm not taking any stance on the ethics of your relationship with your students, because as you pointed out we don't have enough information.  But it's misleading to say that you had NO choice about keeping your professional and personal life separate when it comes to your relationships with your students.
    image
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_students-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f482b030-8793-4591-b567-c19bf6309061Post:e0fab9a7-151d-4ee4-8d76-17c7e9cfaa93">Re: Students at my wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Students at my wedding? : Why would you be concerned? I am saying that the administration wouldn't let me keep my personal life my personal life, despite my wish to do so. If anything, I'd say the concern would be for what kind of administration digs into a teacher's personal life and makes it a professional issue. And perhaps I am being "too" defensive. I asked for opinions about different ideas about what to do with the various former <strong>students who would like to attend my wedding, yes. And I got some helpful feedback. But I also was judged negatively as a professional and was criticized by people who have no grasp of the professional situation in which I worked, based on assumptions and, even more irritating, just simply not reading my post thoroughly.</strong> This is where I take issue-- I wasn't asking for these criticisms and they bore no bearing on the situation for which I asked advice.
    Posted by ravensbride49[/QUOTE]

    I am also a teacher as I said in my PP, and I'm not making assumptions of you.  I'm giving you information that you should have learned when you were in college to become a teacher.  Because I can't even count how many times we were instructed to keep our personal lives private.  I understand that your school had a different policy, but that doesn't change my mind.  If you really want further reasoning of my thinking, I can give you specific examples of teachers I know who have had it blown in their face for being too caring and/or compassionate to students. 
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_students-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f482b030-8793-4591-b567-c19bf6309061Post:1ce5b493-c846-4fa4-afd8-cdc826d7dc72">Re: Students at my wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I see no problem withinviting students to the ceremony and not the reception. I am a teacher and am planning on telling my students they can come to the ceremony but there will not be room for them at the reception. I teach student for 4 years straight in a completer program for graduation. The current students I have now, knew me when FI and I started dating and have been there through the relationship and now the engagement and wedding planning. They are even throwing me a shower. So how could I tell them they could not see me get married. I also have several former students that have requested to jsut come to the ceremony. Students understand better than you realize that there is limited space and money and if they really like the teacher would only want to come to the ceremony and would be completely uncomfortable at the reception.
    Posted by Mary Susan and Chris[/QUOTE]


    Oh my. Please check your spelling!

    Also I am sure you didn't mean to word it this way but when you say your students "have been there through the relationship" it makes me cringe.....it sounds like your students are your girlfriends.
  • Options
    The are not my girlfriends but I grow extremely close to them over a four year period. I even currently work with a former student, since I have been teaching this program for over 10 years now. I live and work in a small community where the students come back to teach and live, so running into former students is an everyday occurrence for me. These girls mean a lot to me and I have become their mentor and confidant. But then I am still close to the teacher I had for the same subject in high school and she is also coming to the wedding. But I guess to me my personal life and professional life run together and they are not something I can separate. Just like being a Christian is not something I will leave at the door when I walk into the Public High School I teach at.
    BabyFruit Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards