Asking about Age (NWR)

StephBeanWed61502

SF, I will say I doubt their intent in asking the question is nefarious.  They're probably just trying to gauge whether your parents are from the same generation as them.  I know FMIL was a little concerned with how old my mom is before they met, because FI and I are 5 1/2 years apart in age (I'm younger) and I'm the oldest of my mom's kids, while FI is FMIL's youngest, so our moms potentially could have been as much as 15 years apart in age, which I suspect would've made FMIL a little uncomfortable.  Turns out FMIL had her kids young and my mom had me "old" (at 28, so not really old, but on the older side for women in her age group), so they're actually less than 5 years apart and have a lot more in common than I think FMIL was originally expecting.  She never asked me directly about it, but she was visibly relieved when she met my mom in person and realized they were "the same age" as opposed to drastically different.

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:01d0585c-f4c4-45e0-b163-ffb61a56136e">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking about Age (NWR) : Insecurity was probably the wrong word. She was never self-conscious about it. She just liked it when my friends had older parents because she had more in common with them.
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

Got it. 

FWIW, I have 2 younger siblings, and I don't say how old they are when asked about them, I say something like "John is a junior at x college, and Jane just started a grad program in physics."  (In fairness, though, it's easier for me to remember what they do than their ages off the top of my head.) 

I don't think that asking to further their speculations about your parents' reproductive choices is really a valid reason.  I have twin SILs that are 8.  I'm a little curious as to if they were conceived naturally, but there's no legitimate reason why I need to know that. 

jemmini6

I agree with Birdie, I don't think it's that odd for your FIL's to take in interest in your family.  It's okay to not feel comfortable answering the question and all, but I don't think it's rude for them to ask.

LP11509

In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:fe0e297a-bee7-4a3c-8d07-10b6be18373d">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]And I'll add that I just don't get being sensitive about your age. It's something you can't control and I don't think anyone should be ashamed of who they are. But this is probably like how some people don't get me being sensitive about whatever is making me emotional at the time (because that happens a lot).
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

<div>Agreed.  My MIL whited out her birthday on her DL because she doesn't want people to know how old she is.  She claims that she is scared of age discrimination.  I think it's ridiculous.  I mean, I get that age discrimination happens, but she doesn't exactly look like a spring chicken, to be honest, so I don't think having it whited out on her license would prevent it from happening if it did. </div><div>
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StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:dac1425b-1c02-4427-ba42-c7bdc657e625">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to  Re: Asking about Age (NWR) : Agreed.  My MIL whited out her birthday on her DL because she doesn't want people to know how old she is.  She claims that she is scared of age discrimination.  I think it's ridiculous.  I mean, I get that age discrimination happens, but she doesn't exactly look like a spring chicken, to be honest, so I don't think having it whited out on her license would prevent it from happening if it did. 
Posted by LP11509[/QUOTE]

If I saw that someone did this, I would assume they were even older than they look, because if you were actually the age you appear to be, why go to such lengths to hide it?

LP11509

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:99bab2d3-ccf6-4edd-8944-6cab3a312ebe">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]SF, I will say I doubt their intent in asking the question is nefarious.  <strong>They're probably just trying to gauge whether your parents are from the same generation as them</strong>.  I know FMIL was a little concerned with how old my mom is before they met, because FI and I are 5 1/2 years apart in age (I'm younger) and I'm the oldest of my mom's kids, while FI is FMIL's youngest, so our moms potentially could have been as much as 15 years apart in age, which I suspect would've made FMIL a little uncomfortable.  Turns out FMIL had her kids young and my mom had me "old" (at 28, so not really old, but on the older side for women in her age group), so they're actually less than 5 years apart and have a lot more in common than I think FMIL was originally expecting.  She never asked me directly about it, but she was visibly relieved when she met my mom in person and realized they were "the same age" as opposed to drastically different.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree with this, too.  My mom asked how old my ILs are because she was curious about this.  I don't know for sure how old MIL is (see my previous post), but FIL is 77.  Which is the same age as my maternal grandparents.

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LP11509

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:635c383e-db31-4c16-9aee-d3d2f9723ea6">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking about Age (NWR) : If I saw that someone did this, I would assume they were even older than they look, because if you were actually the age you appear to be, why go to such lengths to hide it?
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

<div>I almost told her that once, but I couldn't figure out a tactful way of doing it since she's SO sensitive about it.  I think part of it is that FIL is much older than the "typical" father for H's age, so she worries that people will assume that she is also that much older?  I don't know.  I just dropped it and let her do what she wants. </div>

Simply Fated

tortis, both. Actually, definitely more my mom than my dad. It's just not something we talked about, really. I know my maternal grandmother and her sister lied about their ages. We literally didn't find out how old they really were until after they were dying or dead. Both times my mom and I were shocked.

Emily, I just meant that some people would rather not talk about their age, so I can't know what my sibling would want. The friend I have that is most like a sister to me lies about her age. I think if  one of us were still in school, people would be super curious to know our age difference and be curious, in general. Especially since there is a big age difference between my bf's older brother and his little sister. I would understand his mom being curious about my siblings age, if I had one.
is it bad that I don't think my brother would care, but my sister might?


Wanting to know if they were from the same generation makes sense to me. I wish they asked in a better way, though, I guess? I'm not sure what a better way would be... Maybe asking when they went to high school or something like that, I guess.


If it helps, I hate it when people ask how old I am. Most recently... in college last semester, when people found out I was 30, they stopped talking to me. Classmates kept asking because they didnt' understand why I was a new face, but in upper level classes. At first I was vague, but then my real age came out and everyone treated me like I was weird. Well, weirder lol.
 

tenofcups4me

It seems bizarre to me that you won't answer. Not answering is probably making it a far bigger deal than it ever would have been. For example, if I asked you (just out of general curiousity the first time) and you refused to answer, I'd probably keep trying to find out just because I'd be thinking, "Oooh, there must be some sort of story here" and I'd probably speculate wildly (maybe your mom was 14 when she gave birth, maybe your dad was 62, maybe she was 14 and he was 62...so many places for the mind to go!).

I can think of exactly one person I know who doesn't like to share her age. She's 55, looks like she's in her mid-40s and doesn't really want people to know how old she is because she thinks that might be a turn-off to some of the younger (than her) men in our crowd. Personally I think she's incredibly silly -- she looks fantastic and doesn't act "old," so I don't get why it's a secret. I do keep it a secret, of course, because it matters to her.

I'm sure that when I was describing my ILs to my parents before they met, I would have told them they were about the same age, along with other general info, like where they live, their religion (important since they're very religious and a different religion than my family), what they did before they retired, etc.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:82c4a9d2-aa89-41de-b0e4-c70bc1768598">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]tortis, both. Actually, definitely more my mom than my dad. It's just not something we talked about, really. I know my maternal grandmother and her sister lied about their ages. We literally didn't find out how old they really were until after they were dying or dead. Both times my mom and I were shocked. Emily, I just meant that some people would rather not talk about their age, so I can't know what my sibling would want. The friend I have that is most like a sister to me lies about her age. I think if  one of us were still in school, people would be super curious to know our age difference and be curious, in general. Especially since there is a big age difference between my bf's older brother and his little sister. I would understand his mom being curious about my siblings age, if I had one. is it bad that I don't think my brother would care, but my sister might? Wanting to know if they were from the same generation makes sense to me. <strong>I wish they asked in a better way, though, I guess? I'm not sure what a better way would be... Maybe asking when they went to high school or something like that, I guess.</strong> If it helps, I hate it when people ask how old I am. Most recently... in college last semester, when people found out I was 30, they stopped talking to me. Classmates kept asking because they didnt' understand why I was a new face, but in upper level classes. At first I was vague, but then my real age came out and everyone treated me like I was weird. Well, weirder lol.  
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

One way to handle this might be to answer the question you wish they'd asked - example:
PFMIL:  So SF, how old did you say your mom was?
SF: Well, she doesn't like to talk about her age, so I don't know exactly, but I know she graduated HS in 1967.

If it really is just an "I wonder if we're in the same generation" question, this should allay their curiosity without you having to give them information you're not comfortable sharing.

musicxstore

I get asked my parents' ages quite often (they're the same age) because I'm turning 23 and my mom looks younger than she is (FI said she looked like she was in her 30s when he met her, but knew that wasn't true). Also, though his mother is close in age to mine, his gradparents are nearly 25 years older than mine so it's kind of interesting.

My mom's favorite response to the question of age is "I'm turning 29... again." And she'll laugh about it.

I guess the whole thing bothers some people more than others.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:7297b0b0-dbb0-4855-87a2-804baccd36b8">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]I detest when TK eats posts. OP, I think I would answer with something like, they were in HS in the late 60s.  To me that means that they are an early Boomer.  Because my mom is a Boomer and was in HS from 1966-1970. LP, is what your mom did even legal?  I feel like that would be bad if a cop pulled her over.  But I don't know.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

Yep, it's tampering with a government-issued I.D.  Also I worked in a supermarket when I was a teenager, and we had to I.D. literally every single customer who purchased alcohol (they had cameras on us and we got busted if we skipped anyone, even a 90 year old grandmother), and I can tell you that I would not have been permitted to sell her alcohol if her birthdate wasn't readable on her I.D.

raes19

When H and I are talking about our families to people, we often have to explain the ages in his family. His siblings are much older than he is, and his dad and brother have the same name. A lot of times when someone asks who his parents are and hear his dad's name, they think he is talking about his brother because his brother is 23 years older than him.

Birdie1483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:82c4a9d2-aa89-41de-b0e4-c70bc1768598">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE] Most recently... in college last semester, when people found out I was 30, they stopped talking to me. Classmates kept asking because they didnt' understand why I was a new face, but in upper level classes. At first I was vague, but then my real age came out and everyone treated me like I was weird. Well, weirder lol.  
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

I get this at work. People either don't take me seriously because they think I'm younger than I am, or they don't want to talk or hang out with my because I'm "old and married". I'm only 28. So Annoying.

But I was grateful for the grocery lady who told me yesterday I didn't look like I was the age on my driver's license. :) But I'd much rather someone know I was 28 than think I was younger... probably because I've always been the baby of the family and I want people to take me seriously.

amys325

I'm with Birdie and the other posters who agreed with her.  I don't see the big deal.

Age comes up a lot in my family because my mom's siblings were very spread out.  Her sister is 18 years older than her.   I've never thought twice about answering how old my parents are in any situation. 

angryangry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:a28e3737-54aa-44a8-bff7-beea15bcc473">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with Birdie, I don't think it's that odd for your FIL's to take in interest in your family.  It's okay to not feel comfortable answering the question and all, but I don't think it's rude for them to ask.
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

<div>It's not rude to ask once, but it's rude to keep pushing a question when someone hasn't answered it. If I asked what you did last weekend, and you evaded answering it a few times, it would be kind of rude for me to keep pushing, KWIM? The original question might not be rude, but it's rude to push an issue that someone obviously isn't comfortable talking about.</div><div>
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Summer2011Bride

Eh, I think it'd be rude for a complete stranger to come up to me and ask my age. I also think, like others said, in instances where you might be discriminated against based on age that I wouldn't want to disclose that info. I also might find it off-putting if, when they met you for the first time, the first words out of their mouths were, "How old are your parents?" But as your future IL's, and assuming you've been together with FI for a little while at least, I don't find it odd or particularly rude.

I think it's probably innocent, wanting to get more info on your parents since they never met. My parents didn't meet my IL's until H and I had been dating almost four years. My mom asked me plenty of times before then how old I thought his folks were, and I'm pretty sure it came up in conversations with my IL's as well (how old mine were). Unless your parents specifically said to not disclose that info, I guess I don't see the big deal since your IL's will be your family soon. If you want to avoid the answer, I think others have given good suggestions, like "They were in HS in the 70s" or something vague like "I'm not positive, but I think both are in their early 50s," etc.

cindyn9178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:4835007b-8b4e-4a38-8809-d2d0a908594a">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking about Age (NWR) : It doesn't matter how old someone is, or how they look.  Asking is rude, and it's none of Simply's PFILs' business.  She doesn't need to tell them if she doesn't want to.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]
I agreed that it was rude of them to ask.

She wanted to know why people ask her that question and I was giving suggestions as to why people might ask her.

cindyn9178

I'm 33, and I would love it if people constantly thought I was 18. I don't understand why someone would be annoyed or offended by that. I'd be offended if I was 33 and people constantly thought I was 40 or 50, not the other way around.

OP, unless there is more to the story, or a reason why you'd think they have bad intentions with asking the question, I think you are making a bigger deal out of it than it really is. They probably originally asked out of curiosity, and since you have refused to tell them, they continue asking the question over and over again. Not saying that is the right thing to do, but I doubt they are asking for any "bad" reason.
If your mom is insecure about telling people her age, that is not their fault and obviously they don't know that.

My parents are 65 and 66, and they look much younger. People have asked me many times how old they are, and I have never found it rude or offensive and I'm happy to tell them - my parents have no problem with anybody knowing their ages either. If they truly did have a problem with it then I'd just be honest with my in-laws and say "my mom doesn't really like telling people her age, so I'd rather not say, sorry". And I'm sure they'll drop it after that. But by joking around when they ask the question, they probably don't realize how serious of an issue it is for you.

Simply Fated

Thank you guys for the advice and insights! Im appreciating the help, guys, so keep the replies coming!

tenofcups4me

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:c8f552fb-978e-4f27-991a-52843f337e63">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]"I don't release personal information about anyone, including family members, without their permission.  You need to ask them, not me.  I know you understand, and thank you." Refuse to discuss it.  They're nosy and rude.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I cannot imagine how I would respond to such a bizarre and over-the-top response to a simple question. Honestly, I would think you had serious mental issues if you answered a question about how old your parents are that way.

That response might be appropriate if they asked about annual income or how much someone would receive from a will or something else outside the pale of normal conversation, but not to a simple question about parents' age. Even then the phrasing is laughable awkward.

coopsbaby

My mother repeatedly asks me how old fi's parents are. (I tell her, she's just forgetful.) I know her motivation is wanting to have something in common with them. My sis's inlaws are much older than my parents who were boomers (and total hippies) and while they get along, they have absolutely nothing in common.
 
My mom is hoping fi's parents will be of their generation. (Fi's mom is 4 years older than mine, but his dad is 10 years older than mine, so not sure if that works for her or not.)

I don't think it matters, but I would guess that was their original motivation. The repeated questions may be foregtfulness (as it is with my mom), or they think there's a juicy story there. Either way, I'd find some general answer to give them to shut them up. For example- my mom is 64 and dad is 61. I might say they graduated high school in the late 60's, or that they are total hippy baby boomers or something like that. It must be annoying though!