Asking about Age (NWR)

Simply Fated

People, more specifically my boyfriend's parents (PFIL= Possible Future In-Laws), keep asking me how old my parents and grandmother are.
I just don't see it as any of their business.

Awhile back Dear Abby or Ann Landers suggested to a reader that they just answer with a joke, "Oh, I think my mother turned 30 at her last birthday, again."

At first this worked just fine, but now they keep pushing it.

"How old is your dad?"
"He says he's younger than Derek Jeter, so I just play along."
"haha. No, really, how old is he?"

Is there a polite way to refuse to answer them other than bean dipping them forever?

Also, does anyone know why people are always asking me this? I've been given a theory as to why by my friend, but I don't think it sounds right. I have my own theory, but I don't like it so I'm hoping one of you guys could help me out.

baystateapple

I don't know why, but I do know that it's rude as hell.

A salesperson asked H how old he was when they were trying to get out of issuing him a refund when we were in Key West.  She was so patronizing.  My MIL leaned in and said "Why?  How old are you?"  I love my MIL.

cindyn9178

I understand that it is kind of rude for them to ask, but why not just tell them their age, or is it some kind of secret? If my in-laws asked how old my parents were (they already know, because they've met numerous times and talked about it in detail), I woud just tell them the truth.
As for why people ask you this question, are you really young? Have they already met your parents and they look really young or really old? Do you have a sibling who is a lot older or younger than you? Those are reasons that I would wonder how old your parents are.
For example, if you had a 40 year old brother and you are 20, I'd wonder how old your parents are.

Birdie1483

You could always say you don't know. That would probably put a stop to the questions.

Is there a reason why you don't want to tell them? It just seems like a pretty harmless piece of information to me, at least when asked by someone that could be your future in-law.

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:cc302f90-2468-47b2-97cc-14b1f734c61e">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand that it is kind of rude for them to ask, but why not just tell them their age, or is it some kind of secret? If my in-laws asked how old my parents were (they already know, because they've met numerous times and talked about it in detail), I woud just tell them the truth. As for why people ask you this question, are you really young? Have they already met your parents and they look really young or really old? Do you have a sibling who is a lot older or younger than you? Those are reasons that I would wonder how old your parents are. For example, if you had a 40 year old brother and you are 20, I'd wonder how old your parents are.
Posted by cindyn9178[/QUOTE]

It doesn't matter how old someone is, or how they look.  Asking is rude, and it's none of Simply's PFILs' business.  She doesn't need to tell them if she doesn't want to.

jessicabessica

That's weird.  I can't recall anyone asking me my parents' or grandparents' ages.  I don't see why it matters.  My ILs are older than my parents, but they get along fine. 

I would just say something like "why do you want to know?" or "why is that important to know?" (or just "why?").  I've found that sometimes forcing people to make up some BS answer or just admit that they're nosy ends the questioning. 

annakb8

That is really weird. I'd probably just get fed up and say "Why do you want to know?" next time they ask. 

Birdie1483

I guess I just don't see it as rude in this situation. Asking a clerk behind a desk - yes. Asking your son's daughter about her parents? I don't really think so.

I know my mom liked to know my friends' parent's ages because she always kind of felt insecure about being and "older mom". She liked to know that there were other "older moms" out there.

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:22780c8f-08ea-493e-8b26-14d25cc9570c">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]That's weird.  I can't recall anyone asking me my parents' or grandparents' ages.  I don't see why it matters.  My ILs are older than my parents, but they get along fine.  I would just say something like <strong>"why do you want to know?"</strong> or "why is that important to know?" (or just "why?").  I've found that sometimes forcing people to make up some BS answer or just admit that they're nosy ends the questioning. 
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

<div>Miss Manners often recommends this!   I find asking "Why do you want to know?" usually works, especially when accompanied by an innocently confused facial expression.    </div>

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:22780c8f-08ea-493e-8b26-14d25cc9570c">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]That's weird.  I can't recall anyone asking me my parents' or grandparents' ages.  I don't see why it matters.  My ILs are older than my parents, but they get along fine. <strong> I would just say something like "why do you want to know?" or "why is that important to know?" (or just "why?").  I've found that sometimes forcing people to make up some BS answer or just admit that they're nosy ends the questioning. </strong>
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. I have that found that to be useful when trying to get people to stop asking nosy questions.

Birdie1483

I think it's weirder that SF wouldn't just tell them the first time, but that's just me. I'm pretty open with my IL's.

Simply Fated

Things like age and weight are personal information that not everyone likes to give out. It's not my place to give out information on other people.


Why do they need to know how old my parents are? I mean, sure, it's perfectly fine to be curious, but some questions shouldn't be asked.

Birdie1483

Hm. I guess I've just never equated age to weight. I understand some people are embarrased by their weight, but I don't think anyone should be embarrased about your age. You can't control how old you are. I can understand in situations where you might be discriminated against because of your age, but if it's just coming up in conversation with IL's or something, I think it's just something to talk about.

But like I said, that's just me. It doesn't mean everyone else has to feel that way.

Mark&Steph

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:22780c8f-08ea-493e-8b26-14d25cc9570c">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]That's weird.  I can't recall anyone asking me my parents' or grandparents' ages.  I don't see why it matters.  My ILs are older than my parents, but they get along fine. <strong> I would just say something like "why do you want to know?" or "why is that important to know?" (or just "why?"). </strong> I've found that sometimes forcing people to make up some BS answer or just admit that they're nosy ends the questioning. 
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]
This. Now I'm just really curious as to why they care so much. You might also be able to say something like, "They prefer that I not share personal information with people they haven't met" [if they truly haven't met] or "Our family doesn't generally share personal info with others" or something. That is strange though, that they continue to press the issue.

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:5216bab8-c7b6-4376-ae0c-f228e468196a">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]Things like age and weight are personal information that not everyone likes to give out. It's not my place to give out information on other people. Why do they need to know how old my parents are? I mean, sure, it's perfectly fine to be curious, but some questions shouldn't be asked.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

Maybe just tell them that. Although not sure why they keep pressing the issue.

Birdie1483

I agree with Duds. Or they could just be trying to get to know you and more about your life. I know my IL's asked me random questions like that over the 5 years I dated their son before I got married.

jessicabessica

Birdie, didn't you just post about your mom's insecurity about being an "older" mom?  Not saying that your mom would be upset about someone revealing her age to another person, but it is an example of people feeling self-conscious about their age, which I think could translate for some people into not liking to discuss age. 

chumlee7478

I get asked that all the time personally, and I can't stand it.  I'm 34 and look 18.  I get mistaken all the time for a student, even in full makeup and a suit. I do not appreciate it at all. I'm not ashamed of my age, but I hate getting mistaken for being that young.

My parents and extended family ask all the time about the ages of FI's family.  There's a huge age difference between FI and his sister, and his parents have passed on.  My aunt asked how old my FSIL is this weekend, and I just said, "I have no idea, why, how old are you if she asks me how old people are in my family?" That stopped her dead in her tracks.  If she's going to ask, she should prepare to be asked herself. 

emilyinchile

Would you find it rude if they asked you how old your siblings are? Or is it only rude because your parents may be at an age where they're getting sensitive about age?

I'm with Birdie. I understand that age can be sensitive, but I don't think it's weird to take an interest in your (potential) FDIL's family and try to have a picture in your mind of what the family looks like, one component of which is age. I think you not telling them is a lot weirder, actually, because I wouldn't have thought twice about answering the question the first time.

Simply Fated

I'll try to answer all your questions... the replies are coming in faster than I thought they would lol.


cindy, I'm an only child.

duds, no they never met. If they wanted to know common ground, I would think they would ask what they do for a living or what music they're in to. Age seems irrelevent to me, ya know?

Birdie, if they want to know about my parents, I think that's great. I think they'd get along really well. I'm just not sure how their age factors into it.

bmoruzzi

I agree with Birdie.  I don't see this as a big deal.  If you're going to be related to these people, I'm sure they'll meet your parents at some point.  

StephBeanWed61502

I'm with Birdie on the "I don't get why this is a big deal" train, but my mom is unusually open about how old she is - she'll pretty gladly tell random strangers she's 54.  That said, if it's a big deal to SF's parents not to reveal this information (FMIL, for example, is very sensitive about people knowing her age), then I get why SF wouldn't want to reveal it to PFILs (I know my FI isn't comfortable sharing his mom's age unless she's given the prior okay that the person be told).  That said, instead of ducking the Q endlessly, just say what you've said here - it's personal information that you're not comfortable sharing on their behalf.

Birdie1483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:0d685ed3-5ec8-4a39-80c3-9a5188ff27bf">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]Birdie, didn't you just post about your mom's insecurity about being an "older" mom?  Not saying that your mom would be upset about someone revealing her age to another person, but it is an example of people feeling self-conscious about their age, which I think could translate for some people into not liking to discuss age. 
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

Insecurity was probably the wrong word. She was never self-conscious about it. She just liked it when my friends had older parents because she had more in common with them.

jessicabessica

Have they seen pictures of your family?  Maybe if you showed them some pictures from your childhood and some recent photos, they'd get enough of an answer to their question, plus they'd learn a little more about your parents. 

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:ae74233b-698d-4e03-901b-c3c04f366795">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking about Age (NWR) : I think a lot of people see age as a common ground.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

<div>For sure. Maybe not 62 and 3/4, but having a general idea of being in your 40s vs. your 70s. Not that people can't be friends of different ages, but there are certain commonalities.</div>

Birdie1483

And I'll add that I just don't get being sensitive about your age. It's something you can't control and I don't think anyone should be ashamed of who they are. But this is probably like how some people don't get me being sensitive about whatever is making me emotional at the time (because that happens a lot).

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:7b8e527f-a4c3-46ea-b970-6cff0219385d">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]Have they seen pictures of your family?  Maybe if you showed them some pictures from your childhood and some recent photos, they'd get enough of an answer to their question, plus they'd learn a little more about your parents. 
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

I agree with this, that way they could probably tell from the pictures about how old your parents and learn more without you saying anything you're uncomfortable with.

tortis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:a287b347-2520-4a89-adbe-6a49ff27baad">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]Would you find it rude if they asked you how old your siblings are? Or is it only rude because your parents may be at an age where they're getting sensitive about age? I'm with Birdie. I understand that age can be sensitive, but I don't think it's weird to take an interest in your (potential) FDIL's family and try to have a picture in your mind of what the family looks like, one component of which is age. <strong>I think you not telling them is a lot weirder, actually, because I wouldn't have thought twice about answering the question the first time.</strong>
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

<div>This. </div><div>
</div><div>Are you not telling them because YOU find the question rude or because your parents have asked you not to disclose the information? In other words, who is actually offended here- you or your parents? I find a lot of times that things my ILs do/ ask/ say annoy me a lot more than they annoy anyone else, but that's usually at the end of a visit where they've been staying with us in our tiny apt and everything annoys me.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: I ask because that would determine how I responded to their questions. If I was annoyed by the constant questioning, I'd probably go with the "why do you want to know" type of answer. But if I knew my mom was really sensitive about her age or something, or there was a huge age gap between my parents that people were nosy about, I'd stick with the jokes about being younger than a certain celebrity (I forget who you said).</div>

Simply Fated

Emily, I don't have siblings, so I'm not certain how that's done, to be honest.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-age-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f907e147-e3d0-4151-87ec-65282c5700f0Post:3013f18b-655c-4de0-891b-acad5c7a9a2a">Re: Asking about Age (NWR)</a>:
[QUOTE]Emily, I don't have siblings, so I'm not certain how that's done, to be honest.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

<div>Well I don't either (full disclosure: I have a much older half-sister who I've never lived with, but that doesn't come up much), but really? Can you not imagine how that conversation would go just from having heard other people or even from having asked the question yourself?</div><div>
</div><div>"So, do you have any siblings?"
"Yeah, I have a younger sister."</div><div>"Oh nice, how old is she?"</div><div>
</div><div>People want to take an interest. They find it relevant to know whether your sister is a twin who's 5 minutes younger or if she's a surprise who's only 5 years old. I can't imagine anyone not answering that question, so it's hard for me to undersand why parents would be any different.</div>

ElisabethJoanne

I agree with the photos idea, also that you don't have to tell them. I sometimes say, "I dutifully lost count of my parents' ages when they turned 35" with a dumb-blonde smile. Depending on how closely I can guess the reason for wanting to know the age, and the context, I sometimes say something that doesn't answer the question, but gives the asker a good ballpark: "They just celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary." "Mom's been a surgeon for 25 years now." "Dad went to college in the '70s." Sometimes these can be even more informative than a bare number.

If my siblings were over age 21, I'd try to remember not to give out their ages.