Poll: The first time...

kate51485

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:445a7e8a-6b37-459c-94d3-515dccaff3a2">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll: The first time... : But can't you tell if you have sexual chemistry with someone without actually giving it up? I mean, I dated guys where I knew there was no chance because I didn't feel anything when we <strong>kissed or fooled around</strong>. Wouldn't/shouldn't that be a good indicator? (not judging or arguing, asking for other view points)
Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]

It would be a good indicator for sure -- but it sounds like the waiting people don't even fool around...the one girl on chit chat's FI had only seen her in her bathing suit.

louisvillebride21

I can understand that, Kate. We've spent so much time together, and at length, without officially living together. Any time I have a school break, I'm at his house. So that's a lot of breaks, including 3, 3 month summer breaks. I know it's not the same as living with someone for the long haul, but it's something. Regardless, I don't know how much honeymoon stage we're going to have since we'll be packing up and moving away from all friends, family and jobs. I imagine that's goign to cause quite a bit of stress.

laurenclaire1386

For me, the amount of time (or lack thereof) I waited  to have sex with someone was in no way indicative of how long the relationship would last. I had what I thought was going to be a one night stand, and I ended up dating the guy for three years. Other times, I dated someone a couple months, had sex, and then we broke up shortly after.

Morfudd, I didn't mean to come off preachy. The phrase "to each his own" applies even to things I don't understand or agree with Obviously, if you're secure in your decision, then that's all that's important. I just couldn't be sure enough to marry someone without a. having seen them naked, multiple times and b. having shared a bathroom.

NuggetBrain

I'm glad I waited as long as I did, but I'm also glad I didn't wait until marriage just because I know myself and Noodle, and we're horny people, and it would have put a big strain on our relationship to try and wait until marriage.  Also, it might have caused us to rush into marriage so we could do it daily, nightly and oh so rightly.  Which would have been horrible because 4 or 5 years ago we were completely different people than we are now.

SwedishChick2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:00f62633-713b-4467-a249-d2ae36276901">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll: The first time... : It would be a good indicator for sure -- but it sounds like the waiting people don't even fool around...the one girl on chit chat's FI had only seen her in her bathing suit.
Posted by kate51485[/QUOTE]
I think a lot of people who wait do fool around, even if they don't admit it.  Unless they're one of those 6-inch-rule people like the girl's blog that was posted on here a couple weeks ago. 

sarahmk5

Re: living together.  We don't or intend to, but we spend so much time together, almost 24hrs on the weekends, have dinner together pretty much every night, etc.  While there's no way I can absolutely know what it's like to live with him, I feel like I have a good enough idea to know that we're not 100% incompatible.

louisvillebride21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:00f62633-713b-4467-a249-d2ae36276901">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll: The first time... : It would be a good indicator for sure -- but it sounds like the waiting people don't even fool around...the one girl on chit chat's FI had only seen her in her bathing suit.
Posted by kate51485[/QUOTE]

Oh, I didn't read the post. That's crossing into Duggar territory for me. I had no problem fooling around without actual sex. Might seem hypocritical to some, but fooling around just never had the same feeling of being 'special' as sex does.

louisvillebride21

Very good points Nuggs. I never could have waited with someone I was sooo attracted to. It really makes me grumpy when we have to go 3 weeks because of LDR. I can't imagine having waited these 3.5 years from dating to marriage. I doubt our relationship would have made it.

kate51485

LVB - but at least you've been around him for extended periods of time, have spent the night, taken care of meals or picking up after each other, etc.  I am just thinking of people I knew in college who went straight from living in the dorm, never sleeping overnight with their FI, never being in the same place as them, to moving into an apartment together the day after they got married.  I think it would be a lot to absorb all at once.  Granted, they were all very, very religious people.  Maybe if you're super godly you just don't have any problems ever and the lord smiles on you, I don't know.  I guess I should go to church after responding the way I have in this thread.

noelle24

FI was my first and only, and we waited 4 years.

 It had nothing to do with religion, and neither of us are "wait until marriage" people.  I'm just very paranoid about getting pregnant before I want to.  My mom got pregnant with me when she was on the pill, so I'm living proof that BC isn't a guarantee. 

I wanted to make sure that if I *did* get pregnant accidentally,  that I would be more mature and able to handle the responsibilities.  I wanted to have a college degree so that I could support myself and the kid if necessary.  At this point, if the unexpected happens, I feel like we could deal with it.  It would throw a major monkey-wrench into our plans, but we'd be able give the kid a decent home.

And I do think there is some stigma against women who wait.  I've gotten some pretty shocked reactions from people when I tell them how long we waited and why. So I usually just keep this info to myself. 

louisvillebride21

I've said it on here before, but I really, really struggle with my beliefs. I was raised super religious and as I got older, I began to question things. I just can't see God smiting me for having sex with the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. And I don't really remember where he said not to live together. If your'e going to get that technical, you're supposed to go right from your parents house to your husbands. So there goes college. I go to church as much as I can, I just can't make myself feel guilty for something that feels so right (not just good or satisfying, but really RIGHT).

kate51485

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:95f16221-2acc-4b0a-a190-868b29b4e18c">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm glad I waited as long as I did, but I'm also glad I didn't wait until marriage just because I know myself and Noodle, and we're horny people, and it would have put a big strain on our relationship to try and wait until marriage.  <strong>Also, it might have caused us to rush into marriage so we could do it daily, nightly and oh so rightly.</strong>  Which would have been horrible because 4 or 5 years ago we were completely different people than we are now.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

I'm with ya, Nuggs.  I would need both hands to list off the people I know that got married as soon as they did for this exact reason.  I don't get it.

louisvillebride21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:a39450d0-f415-4ef0-a987-d1cda2232a3d">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]FI was my first and only, and we waited 4 years.  It had nothing to do with religion, and neither of us are "wait until marriage" people.  I'm just very paranoid about getting pregnant before I want to.  My mom got pregnant with me when she was on the pill, so I'm living proof that BC isn't a guarantee.  I wanted to make sure that if I *did* get pregnant accidentally,  that I would be more mature and able to handle the responsibilities.  I wanted to have a college degree so that I could support myself and the kid if necessary.  At this point, if the unexpected happens, I feel like we could deal with it.  It would throw a major monkey-wrench into our plans, but we'd be able give the kid a decent home. And I do think there is some stigma against women who wait.  I've gotten some pretty shocked reactions from people when I tell them how long we waited and why. So I usually just keep this info to myself. 
Posted by noelle24[/QUOTE]

I cannot even imagine anyone giving the side eye to that. That's a really responsible, legitimate reason to wait.

noelle24

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:00f62633-713b-4467-a249-d2ae36276901">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll: The first time... : It would be a good indicator for sure -- but it sounds like the waiting people don't even fool around...the one girl on chit chat's FI had only seen her in her bathing suit.
Posted by kate51485[/QUOTE]

My best friend from college waited until marriage.  By that point though, they had pretty much done everything *but* have sex.  So it does vary, and not every person that waits until marriage is a Duggar :-)

goheels05

I don't think living together or having sex before marriage is necessary.  You have a lifetime to work on your sexual chemistry together.  And if you can't work out "living together" issues, there were issues there before you got married that should have been addressed and could have been addressed without moving in together. 

TheBeckmeister

FI and live about an hour away from each other, so we only see each other on weekends.  On weekends, we sleep in the same bed without having sex, and we get to experience "living together" if only for a couple days at a time.  And just because we don't have sex doesn't mean that there's no chemistry and that we don't have a good time - there definitely IS chemistry and we still have fun :-)

kate51485

And I shall also jump on the *The Stacks family is awesome and ridiculously good-looking* train.

Morfudd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:eb249402-d197-48c3-9f17-49cf0586978d">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]For me, the amount of time (or lack thereof) I waited  to have sex with someone was in no way indicative of how long the relationship would last. I had what I thought was going to be a one night stand, and I ended up dating the guy for three years. Other times, I dated someone a couple months, had sex, and then we broke up shortly after. Morfudd, I didn't mean to come off preachy. The phrase "to each his own" applies even to things I don't understand or agree with :) Obviously, if you're secure in your decision, then that's all that's important. I just couldn't be sure enough to marry someone without a. having seen them naked, multiple times and b. having shared a bathroom.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

I didn't think you sounded preachy at all! I was afraid of sounding so myself.

The shared bathroom... now that's the kicker.

laurenclaire1386

Yeah Kate, I didn't mention good looking, but the Stacks are just about the prettiest family I've ever seen.

louisvillebride21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:ea346bd6-638c-4523-9338-e6b1f7bd2274">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll: The first time... : My best friend from college waited until marriage.  By that point though, they had pretty much done everything *but* have sex.  So it does vary, and not every person that waits until marriage is a Duggar :-)
Posted by noelle24[/QUOTE]

I didn't mean to imply that people who wait are Duggar like. I was commenting on the no kissing or any fooling around part-that's how they did it. I give no side eye to people not wanting to have sex, for any reason. But not even kissing? Yup, side ey.

opalsky007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:863e570e-24f0-4ca5-b90d-bd168aad0ac4">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll: The first time... : True.  But I also find it interesting that none of the waited/waiting til marriage people have revealed themselves. 
Posted by kate51485[/QUOTE]

*Waves hi*

I'm just now reading this but might have hesitated to talk about it anyway. I arrived on the board just after that period where the V-carders were incessantly preachy. Anyone who did mention waiting got yelled at not to "turn it into one of THOSE threads". I have only mentioned my own situation on the boards twice before and been flamed six ways from Sunday each time.

My favorite was whoever told me that my "whole family must think we were fucking lying and doing like bunnies". Like I give a crap what my parents think about it.

laurenclaire1386

Morfudd, I mentioned the bathroom thing because I think that's the room that sees everyone's most obnoxious bad habits. If you can successfully share a bathroom, then the rest of the house is cake, IMO.

Kati0105

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:a8644264-2b18-4e63-90e9-2f4321216b4a">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]Morfudd, I mentioned the bathroom thing because I think that's the room that sees everyone's most obnoxious bad habits. If you can successfully share a bathroom, then the rest of the house is cake, IMO.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

I have to admit, I do NOT miss sharing a bathroom with FI.  I'll be a sad panda if we have to move into a place with only one bathroom in Chicago.

Morfudd

Oh, I was totally serious, Lauren. I agree with you.

louisvillebride21

Opal, do I remember that you guys are living together but not doing it? I remember that specific comment actually. That really sucks that people have to flame that hard. It doesnt' effect us in the slightest, or anyone else for that matter.

LC, my issue is the kitchen. We share a bathroom really well (but I have an unusually large apartment bathroom), but I cannot stand him in my kitchen when I'm cooking. And when he rinses off the dishes for the dishwasher, he actually totally washes them. Drives. Me. Nuts.

laurenclaire1386

Kati, we have two bathrooms too. FI and I don't have a problem sharing a bathroom, but let's be honest, trying to drop a deuce (yeah yeah TMI, whatever) while FI is in the shower ain't exactly my cup of tea. As our shower has no door, and neither does the hutch where the toilet is

louisvillebride21

That has never been an issue with us and I doubt it will be. Neither of us have any desire to share our bathroom time like that. Not that we're not comfortable enough to, just that we see no need to. We just always ask if the other has to go before we take a shower.

goheels05

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:d6296896-0f18-4e2a-8994-1c85f6bfdca5">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]FI and live about an hour away from each other, so we only see each other on weekends.  <strong>On weekends, we sleep in the same bed without having sex, and we get to experience "living together" if only for a couple days at a time.</strong>  And just because we don't have sex doesn't mean that there's no chemistry and that we don't have a good time - there definitely IS chemistry and we still have fun :-)
Posted by TheBeckmeister[/QUOTE]

Like I said before, I don't think living together before marriage is necessary, but spending the night together on the weekends is no where even close to the same thing as living together.

laurenclaire1386

LVB, I too want to pull my hair out when FI gets all up in my grill while I'm trying to cook. Cooking is one of the few things I actually know more about than FI does, and really, I don't want his input past what he'd like to eat.

opalsky007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-first-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9e41122-b808-4ee8-97e6-c9bd4d3664e3Post:2755cf8a-be39-43ad-82a5-59ee1d46a668">Re: Poll: The first time...</a>:
[QUOTE]Opal, do I remember that you guys are living together but not doing it? I remember that specific comment actually. That really sucks that people have to flame that hard. It doesnt' effect us in the slightest, or anyone else for that matter.
Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]

Well, we're doing it now. :)

But yeah, we lived together for 2 and a half years before getting married. At the time, it was for purely financial reasons--H followed me up here for school and hadn't found a job yet.

We kept separate bedrooms, not just for the sex issue but also so we'd just each have our own space. In the end, I'm glad we lived together before getting married, because there wasn't that whole mess of getting used to each others' habits and quirks.