Vent

laurenclaire1386

Just got off the phone with FI.  He spent a pretty large chunk of change without consulting me first.  While we don't have a joint bank account, we've always considered whatever money either of us brings in "our" money.  And therefore, all major purchases needed to be run by the other partner.  We set money ground rules when we first moved in together.  That's always  been our agreement and we've never run into a problem.  Until today.  I'm shaking, I'm so angry.  I have no idea what possessed him to do this, because it's really unlike him.  Just had to get that out before I start crying at work.

lannerjarv

what did he buy?

laurenclaire1386

2 suits.  Yes, he needed them.  It's not the stuff he bought, or the amount of money he spent, just that he ignored an agreement we've always stuck to.

smokeybailey

This is why I am a fan of having a house account.  That way this doesn't happen.

I am sorry.  I would be mad too.

ac_in_dc

Oh shiit. I'm sorry. Try to calm down, if you can. And set aside some time to talk this out in the next day or two.

vallyhoo

I could be mistaken, but didn't you recently admit to him that you had hid a large sum of credit card debt? I hope I'm not confusing you with someone else.

laurenclaire1386

Yup, Vally, that was me.  You're not confused. 

anna.oskar

i know you're upset, but at least he didn't buy something dumb like a new car or gaming system

Brie2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa275809-9228-4e1d-aeee-0f2cfdda5e79Post:ed65b96c-4dd2-4887-9e10-763866e2bd59">Re: Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]I could be mistaken, but didn't you recently admit to him that you had hid a large sum of credit card debt? I hope I'm not confusing you with someone else.
Posted by vallyhoo[/QUOTE]


Yeah, she did.

I would relax about it unless he bought, like, ginormously expensive ridiculous Armani suits or smomething.  I'd be pissed if it was a TV or a Ferrari or something frivolous, but suits are a genuine necessary thing for work and shouldn't have been unexpected.  FI and I just started working and we both had to spend a crapton of money on work clothes...but it was just implied.

laurenclaire1386

And Vally, I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, and it's valid.  Perhaps I'm being a hypocrit.  (sp? I always misspell that word.)

JK10910

Perhaps he thought the fact that you know he needed new suits counted as consulting you?

I'd be upset too, but it doesn't seem like he went out and blew the money on purpose and then tried to cover it up or something.  So take a few deep breaths, get it out here to us, and try to calm down.  Then later tonight or whenever you're together, let him know exactly what you told us.  That it wasn't WHAT he bought, but that he didn't consult you.

Maybe if you haven't already, you guys need to lay out exactly what "consulting" should consist of.  IE: should you knowing he needs them be enough, or should he be calling you right before he purchases to run the amount by you, etc.

ac_in_dc

JK has good advice here.

pinkpinot

Excuse my ignorance because I have no idea how much suits cost but perhaps your FI didn't consider it a large purchase he needed to consult with you on?

vallyhoo

That sucks. I hope you two get on the same page about money. I also hope this isn't his way of acting out.

lyndausvi

This is why we both  have 'fun funds'.  We can by whatever the hell we want out of that fund without asking.   If I want to save my  money from that fund and buy something expensive I can, no questions asked.

laurenclaire1386

JK, I completely agree.  The reason I posted this is so I can have a rational discussion later, when we're both home.  And yes, I am thankful that it wasn't something completely ridiculous.  I did know he needed new stuff for work, I just didn't expect him to spend that much today on his lunch break and not at least run it by me.
 
Thanks for listening and commenting ladies. 

smokeybailey

Yup...Lynda, that is my philosophy.  We have a house account that pays the bills.  His account pays his bills.  If he wants a new suit, a playstation or a donkey, he can buy it out of his account.

New clothes don't seem to fall into the "notification" category though.

lpstl

How much did he spend? Are we talking mens warehouse, or brooks brothers?

I wouldn't consider suits a frivolous purchase, you said yourself he needed them. This may just be a situation where he didn't think it was something he needed to consult with you about.

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa275809-9228-4e1d-aeee-0f2cfdda5e79Post:59ffdba8-ff9d-4a30-b02b-f5df2b289da8">Re: Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]Perhaps he thought the fact that you know he needed new suits counted as consulting you?
Posted by JK10910[/QUOTE]

This.  My FI will make dinner plans with his parents for us without telling me until after it's been settled and he thinks it's ok because a week ago we talked about having dinner with them sometime soon.  I would take some deep breaths and let him know it upset you in a calm way once you've got your anger under control.  GL! :)

punkyb2b

I dont know what you concider expensive but 2 suits are gonna be pricey unless they are POS cheap looking ones.

I dont see the big deal.  It sounds like you knew he needed them,he found a couple and bought them.  If he needed underwear he probably would have bought them withourt asking you either.

Unless he just spend money designated to a mortgage or something, i dont get why you are upset.

JK10910

So really, it just sounds to me (going solely by what you posted) that it was more of a miscommunication than anything.  Hey, that shiit happens.  Obviously you guys just need to get on the same page about the best way to consult each other about purchases. 

laurenclaire1386

$800.  In the grand scheme of things, it's not a huge amount of money.  It's just that I would NEVAR in a million years spend $800 and not at least run it by FI first. 

smokeybailey

Consider a his, mine and ours option.  That way this becomes a moot point.

BTW, $800 for two suits is not bad.  I do hope he got a shirt or two though.

eastunder1

My blood boils too sometimes when Mr Eastunder gets a chunk of new business clothes at once.  Because damn, suits are expensive.  And I hate spending a lot of money.  But I remind myself that these are things he NEEDS and must be bought.  You can't not look professional in business.  And it isn't like he went out and dropped all that money on a single wallet or a Wii.  And then I calm down.   Let yourself be mad for a teeny bit, then move past it. 

laurenclaire1386

Ok, freak out over.  Thanks for the perspective.  And Smokey, I think he did get a couple of shirts. 

Koopa17

I sort of felt the same way last month when my FI went and bought new tires without telling me first.  They were very necessary and I knew it was coming but I was still surprised for a minute, like "oh jeez, you spent $600 today??".  BUT it was a necessary thing, expensive or not.  You've got the right idea by flipping balls for a second online and then being calm with him about it later.

lpstl

$800 is a decent chunk of change, but try to keep in mind why he needed  them (professional purposes, to earn income). I'm sure this was just a misunderstanding about expectations, I would never think to ask H befoe I bought new suits for work.

Maybe you two could sit down tonight and figure out a cutoff point for when you need to consult with each other, or do a yours/mine/ours setup like other have suggested.

laurenclaire1386

I think it's more a communication issue than anything.  And yes, I'm definitely keeping everyone's suggestions about yours, mine, and ours in mind. 

lyndausvi

I think we forget that men's clothes are expensive.  But we also forget they do not buy them that often, they can wear a good suit week after week for years.

On the other hand a lot of woman do not always make large one time purchases.  We tend to buy a few things here and there. At the end of the year I think woman tends to spend more.  They just do not realize it because it's spread over time.

laurenclaire1386

Good point Lynda.  I can't think of one single thing in women's clothing that I could spend $800 on.  Not even my wedding dress.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Do you have a certain $ amount you need to spend to consult someone? Like, if someone spends over $100, they ask the other? Maybe he thinks consulting is just for big "fun" purchases, like a PS3 or something.

I don't think you're being hypocritical. You confessed your credit card debt to be more honest about your finances, and you feel like with this, he's being secretive about his finances. Totally understandable freakout, IMO.