MOG problems:(

crybaker737

My MOG has always been pushy in our relationship and childrearing and now she is trying to take over the wedding. She was in mexico when we decided to get married (we have been engaged for years but didnt decide on a date till thanksgiving) and she didnt return until January. Were getting married april 21. This past month she has called me MANY times trying to change our colors, the clothes I picked out for the kids, even the RING me and my f picked out for him together. And she keeps telling my f that im taking my parents ideas but none of hers (may i add that my parents are paying for most of the wedding and me and my f are covering the rest) Were having a small cermony of 30 people (95 % family) and she keeps inviting her friends then being mad at me when i explain to her (again and again and again) that we have a 30 person max in our budget and we didnt invite many of our own friends so they cant come. i dont know how to get her back off but i now dread answering my phone. i know she is his mom and all but most of the decisions were made while she was gone and didnt want to pay international phone prices to talk about the wedding... any suggestions with getting her to just accept our choices and just be happy were getting married?

em01092

1. Stop sharing plans with her. If she isn't paying, she doesn't need to have a say. If she gives you an unwanted opion, say thank you but we have that covered, and change the subject. 

2. Don't answer her phone calls. 

3. Tell your FI to talk to her. You guys need to establish boundaries with her NOW or this is never going to get any better. If he won't stand up to her for you, expect this to be a familiar occurrence. 

Question- Is your FMIL Hispanic? (Asking because of the being in Mexico part) My MOH's FI is Hispanic (Puerto Rican), and his mother is giving my MOH a lot of grief about wedding related things as well. In their culture/circle/area, weddings are huge events and everyone is invited, but MOH wants a small affair. Apparently they don't even do RSVPs, they just cook for an army and see who shows. A friend of mine who is Mexican said the same thing about weddings and quinces in her circle as well. 

crybaker737

shes not hispanic she is dating a guy who is and got deported back so she went to stay with him for 5 months.  And my Fl has never been able to stand up to his mom (he wouldnt even say anything when she kept butchering our daughters hair whenever she took her for a night) so ive learned to have to stand up to her when i need to. I really dont want to hurt her feelings (im marrying her baby who has babies as she calls him) but i think not answering the phone is my only choice at this point. ive tried telling her everything is finalized but she still will not stop. altough funny thing is my fl just called saying his mom called him asking if i was mad cause i didnt answer my phone lol.

em01092

Man. I know what it's like to have a crazy FMIL. Mine said and did some really mean things a few months ago. However, my FI had my back the whole time, and he let his mom know (after she calmed down enough to answer his calls) that the way she spoke to me was unacceptable. Luckily by that point she agreed and apologized. 

So, yeah, that would really bother me if my FI wouldn't stand up to his own mother about the way she is/was treating me, or what happens to his own child. 

I don't mean for that to sound harsh, and I'm not saying your FI is a bad guy or anything, but I just hope you are in for the road ahead. I couldn't do it. Your FMIL will probably never stop doing behaving this way unless a) your FI stands up to her and/or b) you limit or sever ties and communication to only required contact or until she gets the point. She may not really take you as seriously as she would her own child saying something about her actions. Plus, it's his mother. He should be dealing with her. 

You guys are adults and you are starting your own family. It's not about hurting her feelings, but more about her realizing you guys are parents/adults and she needs to respect that. It doesn't seem like she gets it. 

inhisname2010

I definitely agree with Erica. If he's not standing up to her now..you're in for a long road. I have been having FMIL issues for quite some time but the great thing is that my FI stands up for me. I feel bad because it is his mother but it makes me feel better that he defends me.

rlavach

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2012-weddings_mog-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:05427f07-4ba2-44d6-9271-99a7af1ee5c0Discussion:826fd67d-8762-4763-b67a-a57535749c6aPost:c7d0ceca-b775-4ceb-be67-d51abd60d752">Re: MOG problems:(</a>:
[QUOTE]Question- Is your FMIL Hispanic? (Asking because of the being in Mexico part) My MOH's FI is Hispanic (Puerto Rican), and his mother is giving my MOH a lot of grief about wedding related things as well. In their culture/circle/area, weddings are huge events and everyone is invited, but MOH wants a small affair. Apparently they don't even do RSVPs, they just cook for an army and see who shows. A friend of mine who is Mexican said the same thing about weddings and quinces in her circle as well. 
Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]
OP, I really feel for you. I can't imagine having to deal with someone like that. Like PP said, your FI really needs to man up and protect you. YOU are his new family now & that comes first.<div>
</div><div>Just wanted to comment on the idea of Hispanic families having large weddings. This is a topic that seems to come up a lot on TK. While I'll admit I have seen that before, I honestly haven't seen that as the norm. There is a high density of Hispanics in this part of the country. My family is Cuban and we grew up with a lot of Cubans, Dominicans, Puerto Ricans and those from Central/South America. House parties are usually huge, yes. But weddings aren't these crazy affairs where you invite the whole world like that. Maybe everyone I know is the exception, but I just have a hard time believing that everyone from our culture views a wedding as an 'open house, more the merrier' event.</div>

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2012-weddings_mog-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:05427f07-4ba2-44d6-9271-99a7af1ee5c0Discussion:826fd67d-8762-4763-b67a-a57535749c6aPost:ccb6258e-da1a-4cb8-be03-3a6c21d28be4">Re: MOG problems:(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOG problems:( : OP, I really feel for you. I can't imagine having to deal with someone like that. Like PP said, your FI really needs to man up and protect you. YOU are his new family now & that comes first. Just wanted to comment on the idea of Hispanic families having large weddings. This is a topic that seems to come up a lot on TK. While I'll admit I have seen that before, I honestly haven't seen that as the norm. There is a high density of Hispanics in this part of the country. My family is Cuban and we grew up with a lot of Cubans, Dominicans, Puerto Ricans and those from Central/South America. House parties are usually huge, yes. But weddings aren't these crazy affairs where you invite the whole world like that. Maybe everyone I know is the exception, but I just have a hard time believing that everyone from our culture views a wedding as an 'open house, more the merrier' event.
Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yeah I wasn't trying to stereotype or generalize, but it's just the way several Hispanic families are around here that I know, so I thought that might have been OP's situation too. That's why I also said, if you see my post, "circle/area" because I didn't want to make it a blanket statement about Hispanics in general. Perhaps I should have left off "culture". I didn't mean it in a bad way or anything. It just causes some friction when either side is used to weddings being one way and the other side doesn't want that. Religion and culture can be part of the reason, but obviously not necessarily. My FMIL is used to huge weddings that double as family reunions, and that is not how my family does weddings. 

</div>

harm1781

OK see I'm dealing with a regional issue. I see that weddings vary by taste quite a bit and this is not a blanket statement. But up in the Mid Atlantic, Northeast I have seen a lot of HUGE very formal weddings. So we are trying to communicate to grooms family that is not what we are going for. There have been some really harsh words said behind my back, thank goodness my FI is standing up for me. But he is much better at forgive/forget.

And i have already said it to him that today its the wedding, tomorrow its our unborn children.

But I just can't get over the things she says, and I keep thinking that it isn't her just being mad, that she has some real issues with me... ugh. On top of that I feel like im totally forgetting things with the wedding. Just to add ot the feelings of inadequecy. Its like everyone things we are just born with the knowledge of how to plan a wedding for a bunch of people we barely know...

vent over, sorry.