WDYT: Were we wrong? Long - sorry

neilly18

My shower was this past weekend and my sister, MOH did the invites.  All my bridal party lives out of state but were all aware of the shower so my sister did not send them invites since they were Hosting the party.  Today I got a text from my SIL (Brother's wife) who is in the bridal party hurt that she was not invited to the shower.  I know she was aware of the shower and is infact the only bridesmaid who did not continually call my mom to ask her if she needed help.  I told her "of course you were invited to the shower - you were one of the "hosts" we did not send invites to anyone in the bridal party". My 2 other BMs were fine with not receiving the invitation - one actually came from out of state and the other could not because of her own fmaily obligation. SIL is mad anyway, and I am mad because it is 33 days to my wedding I don't want to have to deal with a family dispute and I am not really the person who does the inviting anyway. Truth be told we did not send invites to the immediate family either because we are so close and personal with each other invites seem not intimate enough. SIL has been in the family a long time and knows how we work.  Were we wrong?

cvl105

um, I don't think so. Seems silly that she hosted it but didn't know enough to come. Sounds like there was just a lack of communication.I would just apologize for the misunderstanding.

neilly18

She lives in Iowa so when she was visiting in July told my mom and sister she would not be able to be there.  I have apologized if she felt slighted and told her we consider her family and in no way want her to be upset. 

cvl105

She lives in Iowa? then WTF...tell her to get over it! lol

kewltif

I think it's a bit odd not to send her an invite, but I don't really see why she is upset. Was she planning to come?

I <3 Seabass

I would have sent her an invite but I don't think she should be upset that she didn't get one if she was aware of the party and wasn't even planning on going in the first place.

neilly18

Chelsea - thats what I was thinking - there were 3 groups of people who did not get a physical invite 1) the bridal party (it was given by them) 2) immediate family (as explained above and 3) out of town friends/family (because we did not want them to see if as a request for gift)  -- She fits all 3 categories. Tiff -  Thanks - I guess I will tell her that I can see where she might view it as odd and apologize again and hopefully 33 days from now she is OK with it all  

love_jael

Maybe she just wanted an invite. She possibly knew she wasn't going to be able to make it. But probably just wanted the actually invite. I could be wrong.

uppereastgirl

I think it is weird to not send an invitation, particularly because you knew she wasn't just going to show up. If you knew she was definitely coming, okay-- maybe you don't send an invitation if you don't have enough or something (like say you're sending out 42 invitations but can only order 40 invitations or 60-- doesn't make sense to order 20 more just to send her and yourself one. I had to do that when I was a MOH because the overbearing sister insisted on ordering the invitations and didn't order enough). I also think it is weird to not send them to immediate family? It isn't impersonal to send them an invitation if you also talk to them about it, and they'd probably really appreciate having the momento.

neilly18

Jael - I agree with that -- that is why I was asking were we wrong - because I honestly had no idea.  I guess my side of the story is that since she was considered a "host" we (BP actually) did not send her an invite, but also I am not sure why she is mad at me because I actually did not send a single invite.

neilly18

Uppereast - I do get all your points and maybe she does think its weird because it may be atypical.  But it is how my family worked this.  Trust me on this my family is open and sincere and inviting on all accounts so the fact that she feel slighted will hurt us all deeply. 

love_jael

Maybe she is not mad at you...she is just hurt and is "taking it out on you" for lack of a better word. I understand what you are saying. I wouldn't worry to much about it-since you didn't send the invites out. Just try to make her feel alittle better/calm down.   

kewltif

I just re-read your original post.She texted you saying she was hurt.Have you called her back?I'd just call her up and explain what you just told all of us. This stikes me as something that can be soothed over with a little apology. I also think it's sort of big of her to actually confront you that she's hurt. I think that's way better than harboring some resentment over not being invited. It's better to put it out there and give you a chance to respond.

neilly18

I did send her a text back and called her but she was not home so I left a message.  I also asked my mom and sister to call her and apologize if she felt slighted.  Regardless if I think we were right or wrong I don't want her to be hurt.  I am a big enough person to apologize and would never let something like this come in between family.  That said it did anger me a little since technically I am not the person who did any of the inviting.

alliecarrie41

i dont see why you wouldnt send an invite to EVERYONE invited, including the BP.  that is a bit rude.  what, was your MOH just trying to save 2 stamps?  your SIL was silly to think she wasn't invited, but then again, when she didn't RSVP or get in touch with your MOH to confirm details, i think your MOH was in the wrong not to triple check. 

alliecarrie41

(and sorry i dont care if invites come in bundles of 20 and you have 21... order 30 then).

cherylanddan0706

Just confirm something your bridal party that your sil is in hosted your shower together right? I understand that they are oot but before I stick my foot in my mouth I want to confirm that.

neilly18

She was not trying to save stamps - my family is not cheap by any breadth or stretch of the imagination. I have been in 6 bridal parties and have thrown 8 bridal showers (2 girls each had 2 showers) and I never sent myself or was sent an invitattion. I guess I thought that was the way it went.  I mean when I host any other type of party I don't offically send myself an invite. Maybe I am the strange one here but I would never think of officially RSVPing to my mom, sister or sister in law when we talk all the time.  We already knew she was not going to fly in from Iowa.

uppereastgirl

(I agree with you Allie about the number of invites... just one circumstance where maybe you could cut out the bridal party if you tell them.  I cut out the stupid sister and myself for my friend's shower and but I made sure to tell her that she wasn't getting an invitation because she idiotically didn't ask me how many we needed before she ordered them without telling me so we were two short.  And I even felt bad about it!)Neilly, you shouldn't be the one to have to feel bad about it because you weren't the one doing the doing-- but it is one of those many situations where it kind of makes sense to follow normal etiquette because while you may swear that your family wouldn't find something rude, it doesn't mean that some of them or other people won't be offended by the departure from the norm.  I was kind of sad that I didn't end up with one of the stupid shower invitations made for my best friend-- I would have held onto it for a long time.  I like wedding momentos, particularly for close friends and family.

neilly18

Cheryl.Yes the BP hosted the shower and even though some of them were not able to make it because they were from out of town my mom included them in the "given by" section because she felt this was appropriate.  SIL is part of the wedding party, was told the date, told even though she could not make it would be included in the "given by"

neilly18

UpperEast -- thanks I do appreciate your input and from now on will follow proper operating procedures when dealing with  my brother's family.  Thankfully I did follow all the rules with the wedding invitations.

melissa82

I just helped host a shower for my best friend. Her sisters (MOHs) sent us all invitations...it's nice to see your work come to fruition. I do think it's odd to not send her an invitation, but if that's the norm in your family then it just seems like a lack of communication. I think MOH should have told them she wasn't sending formal invites to WP members in that case. It seems like maybe it was not clear to her that they weren't getting invites. In any case, I don't think you should be mad, cause I don't see why you would be. You've apologized, and when you talk to her about it, just let her know you don't want her to be hurt and it was just a miscommunication, but you had nothing to do with the planning and invitations.

cherylanddan0706

Okay I have never received an invite for a shower I have hosted that is dumb its like saying my mom should have sent an invite to my sis even though they did everything related to it together. So I don't agree with op on saying the hosts should have received one. Your family I don't know but only you guys do. You are being kind enough to call and apologize for the miscommunication and that's all you can do. This in no way was you or your mohs fault.

melissa82

P.S. I didn't RSVP to the shower...I think it was fairly obvious we were all going since we (all the BMs) were in communication with each other, talked about when we were getting together to set up, etc. It's just nice to get the invitation.

cherylanddan0706

Oh and disclaimer I am not saying its right or wrong I've never done it never received on but this is my opinion. It is nice to get an invite but personally I do not see the point.

neilly18

 I just wanted to see if we were wrong in all of this and it seems like it could have gone either way, but mostly I can continue to extend an apology if her feelings were hurt.

uppereastgirl

Cheryl, I disagree with you-- I don't think it is stupid for your mom to send your sister an invitation.  She maybe would have liked it as a souvenir.  (Also, it was actually not proper for your mom to be the one sending the invitations at all.)

kewltif

Well you haven't actually spoken to her yet. You left a message. Wait for her to call you back, clear the air, and then be done with this.  Unless she has other issues/resentments, I don't really see this blowing up into a big thing. Apologize and then forget about it.

melissa82

its like saying my mom should have sent an invite to my sis even though they did everything related to it together.It's not really the same thing because sis and your mom worked together, whereas this person was helping from OOT and (presumably) didn't see or send the invites.

neilly18

UpperEast -- that is another point of family tradition.  In many Italian families it is commonplace for the MOB to host the bridal shower. My mom listed the Bridal Party as the hosts but paid for the whole shower because she knows they are all raising families and did not want to take money out of there pockets.  Different families have different traditions.

melissa82

In many Italian families it is commonplace for the MOB to host the bridal shower.I am Italian, and I've never heard of a mother hosting a bridal shower. It may be the norm in your family, but that doesn't make it a cultural difference. Mothers not hosting a shower is part of traditional etiquette. I have to say, you seem a little defensive about this. On the one hand you're apologizing to her, but it seems like on the inside you think she's being crazy and that your family is right because its the norm for them. She's not being crazy. That doesn't mean your family is "wrong."