North Carolina

Should have seen this coming! Kinda long

Hi Ladies,

I'm new to the boards!  My FI and I are (maybe it should be a were now) planning on getting married 9/10/11 at my parents house.  My parents were going to pay for the wedding, however it was still going to be a lot of diy and things like that to keep the cost down.  So...

My mom has a, let's say, special personality.  All my life my family has had to walk on eggshells around her.  I'm not sure if we've had a nice holiday since I was about 5 years old.  A couple of years ago my FI and I decided not to go to our hometowns for the holidays because of the drama.  Well, last year my mom decided to come up and it didn't go very well.  I forgot and her and my dad came up again this year.  Pretty much I was kidding with her and she took it the wrong way so she cried all day yesterday.  Most people will say "well didn't you apologize".  And yes I did but she doesn't want an apology she wants me to grovel for hours/days.  I'm done with this, groveling, and have been for the past couple of years.  

My predicament with the wedding is that in the past  it takes her months to come around and then I still have to apologive, even if I didn't do anything.  Since the wedding is supposed to be at their house and I don't have months to put planning on hold I'm wondering if I should try to find another location and my FI and I just save up and pay for it ourselves. 

My FI and I have also considered going to the courthouse and getting married and then having a wedding later when we can afford it.  Also, my FI and I have dated for 7 years and things have been put on hold due to money and my mom!

Re: Should have seen this coming! Kinda long

  • SD3194SD3194 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry your Mom acts that way. That really sucks. I would definitely try to find another venue and pay for it yourselves to just avoid any future drama. Your mom seems like the type of person that would hold something like that over your head for a long time. Hopefully, she doesn't act a fool at your wedding. Is she on medication? What does your Dad say?

    DO NOT get married at the courthouse and then have a wedding a few months later when you can afford one. It's extremely rude to your guests. Check out the etiquette board. There are alot of heated debates on there about this subject. If you JOP it, that's fine, but don't have a fake ceremony and reception a few months later. Have a big party and remember that it's NOT your wedding day anymore. Your wedding day was when you signed those papers at the courthouse. Don't wear a dress, no cake cutting, NO GIFTS, no wedding party or anything like that. Just a party (not a reception) to celebrate your union. Good luck.
  • edited December 2011

    Hi!!!  I'm new to this board too.  I usually post over in the March 2011 board because that's when I'm getting married.

    My son who's in the service just got married by the JOP and wants to have another wedding in the Summer.  We couldn't really do much for him because he's being deployed and when he comes back he'd like to have the real thing, but questions are arising if this is a good thing or not.

    I told him it was OK to have another wedding because I couldn't be there for his little ceremony.  I sat on my cell phone and heard it all, but it's not the same as being there.  I don't care what the ettiquette is, I think if you want to have a wedding afterward than by all means you should do whatever you want.  People in today's-day-and-age don't follow ettiquette unless they're parents want it that way.

    I hope that you and your FI get things figured out.  When is your wedding supposed to be?  I wish you all of the best and luck with things.

  • SD3194SD3194 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    Yes, people in today's age do follow etiquette. A wedding is not just about the B&G and their families, it's also about the guests. I understand that you want to see your son have a ceremony, I would also.  However, you don't find it weird that he would be having a fake ceremony? As a guest, I would be put off by this. There's nothing wrong with having a nice party to celebrate your JOP marriage, leave it at that. They chose to JOP it... I'm guessing for military reasons if he was being deployed. Therefore, they chose not to have a traditional wedding.

  • Beth0882Beth0882 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Regarding the JOP and later party issue -- My good friends got married on their own in Antigua -- the bride's dad had passed away a few months into their engagement and she just couldn't picture having a big wedding without him there, so they combined the honeymoon and wedding into one.  A few months later they had a "reception" and both wore their wedding clothes (dress and suit), and all their family and friends got to get together to celebrate with them just as if they had just been to their wedding.  Everyone was so excited to get to celebrate with them that no one gave a hoot about "etiquette".  Frankly, if people think its rude, they just won't show up.  Instead of redoing the ceremony, they showed the video of the ceremony from Antigua.  However, if yo do this, I wouldn't call the later party a "wedding", as it really isn't a wedding.  But if you want to wear the dress, etc., I don't see anything wrong with that and your friends and family shouldn't either.

    Regarding the location -- if your mom is really prone to drama, I would cut out the stress right now and find a different venue, whether it is for a real "wedding" or a "reception" if you decide to JOP it.  You don't need to be worrying about the possibility of added stress at the last second!
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina_should-seen-this-coming-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:115Discussion:5c85c45a-adbc-4c22-a730-73f4e05bcd14Post:781034d6-4e10-4d84-8216-81b13f2745eb">Re: Should have seen this coming! Kinda long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your mom seems like the type of person that would hold something like that over your head for a long time. Hopefully, she doesn't act a fool at your wedding. Is she on medication? What does your Dad say? Posted by SD3194[/QUOTE]

    Thinking about it she is the type to hold it over our heads.  She's on a ton of meds for different things, which she may or may not need!! And what my dad says about which part?  Growing up my dad told my brother and I to "play the game", give her what she wanted if it meant groveling then do it.  We did that for so long and a couple of years ago I realized that is not the way to go about dealing with things/her.  My dad caters to her every beck and call and she still expects me to do the same and even my FI now.  I've gone months at a time not talking to her because I wasn't going to be controlled like that and eventually she comes around.  However, with planning a wedding I don't have time for that. 

    I'm looking at cutting people from the guest list to make things more affordable for us.  If my FI and I are paying for it then does it really matter if our parents friends are there? 

    I think my FI thinks I'm overeacting to her getting mad.  However, I know how she is and can be and would hate to have to grovel and beg for 9 months until the wedding just to keep her happy.  We didn't get far on planning and her and I were already bumping heads on planning things, so maybe her not paying and not having as much a say is best.
  • SD3194SD3194 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    "Frankly, if people think its rude, they just won't show up"

    This seems like an awful way to treat your friends and family.


    OP, I wouldn't want to deal with her attitude either. If you guys are already butting heads about planning I would just try to do everything yourselves. Planning should be a fun experience, don't let her take that away from you.

    Also, I think you should post your question about having the JOP/reception on the Etiquette board. The ladies there will give you good, real advice and won't tell you everything you want to hear.
  • tarheelbabstarheelbabs member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think one thing you may wish to keep in mind is that weddings seem to heighten, rather than lessen drama.  I have seen it happen quite a few times with some friends' moms who are very nice.  Emotions just seem to run really high during this time. Sorry you are experiencing this negative drama during what should be a fun, happy time!  Good luck with your decision!!
  • NcsuPsychNcsuPsych member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina_should-seen-this-coming-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:115Discussion:5c85c45a-adbc-4c22-a730-73f4e05bcd14Post:54930303-d7fb-4c0f-a381-c104b7a14053">Re: Should have seen this coming! Kinda long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Regarding the JOP and later party issue -- My good friends got married on their own in Antigua -- the bride's dad had passed away a few months into their engagement and she just couldn't picture having a big wedding without him there, so they combined the honeymoon and wedding into one.  A few months later they had a "reception" and both wore their wedding clothes (dress and suit), and all their family and friends got to get together to celebrate with them just as if they had just been to their wedding.  Everyone was so excited to get to celebrate with them that no one gave a hoot about "etiquette".  Frankly, if people think its rude, they just won't show up.  Instead of redoing the ceremony, they showed the video of the ceremony from Antigua.  However, if yo do this, I wouldn't call the later party a "wedding", as it really isn't a wedding.  But if you want to wear the dress, etc., I don't see anything wrong with that and your friends and family shouldn't either. Regarding the location -- if your mom is really prone to drama, I would cut out the stress right now and find a different venue, whether it is for a real "wedding" or a "reception" if you decide to JOP it.  You don't need to be worrying about the possibility of added stress at the last second!
    Posted by Beth0882[/QUOTE]


    This. . . .

    Don't call it a 'wedding' because you would have already had your REAL WEDDING. It's a 'Celebration' or 'Reception'.

    I don't know if I'd show a video, but that's simply my personal preference.
    Do NOT lie about already being married, whatever you do. Be up front with your guests and let them know that you've already been married.

    I for one enjoy a good party and Im sure many others do. So have a party, if people want to come they will, if they don't, they wont.

    Concerning the venue situation. . I would HIGHLY recommend finding another location and plan for what you and your FI can pay for. If she's capable of holding grudges. . you don't want to be suspended by a thread up until your wedding day. . that's just no fun

    Good luck!
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  • edited December 2011

    My cousin got engaged and 3 days later her FI got his deployment letter that he was leaving like a month later.  So they JOP'ed it with just their parents and siblings then once he got back almost a year later they had a 'vow renewal' and a reception to follow.  She wore a wedding gown and he in a suit and I never heard a single person make a comment about it being odd.

    The invitations stated that Mr. and Mrs. Blank invite you to their vow renewal with dinner and dancing to follow.

    Everything was similar to a wedding reception except the ceremony format and they weren't 'introduced' nor did they cut a cake.  But there were still toasts and a wedding party made up of siblings.

    We still got them gifts, we all ate, danced, and had a marvelous time!  I see absolutely nothing wrong with this!  What I do find wrong is if someone lies about being married and tries to pull it off as an actual wedding or refers to it as their 'real wedding'. 

    If it is someone you love and care about, you won't think twice about it being a vow renewal or anything like that.  It is being their to celebrate the love and committment of the couple whether it is a wedding or a renewal.

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  • edited December 2011
    Thanks everybody for posting.

    I talked to my best friend/maid of honor tonight and I think I will just get prices on venues and start over again.  We've waited 7 years so far, still shooting for 9/10/11 but if that's not possible, what's another year or two.
  • SD3194SD3194 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    Heybe- the military situation is always a sticky one. I've heard alot of girls doing what your cousin did and it worked out just fine. I think the problem is when couples JOP it because they're too impatient or too broke to wait for the "traditional wedding."

    OP, maybe you should just have a low-key, buget wedding? My friends a few years back were broke and had their ceremony/reception at their aunt's house. They had a pig roast, kegs, and a band...it was one of the most fun weddings I've ever been too. It's not traditional but they probably spent less than $3000 and it was awesome.

  • NcsuPsychNcsuPsych member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina_should-seen-this-coming-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:115Discussion:5c85c45a-adbc-4c22-a730-73f4e05bcd14Post:5b53bd25-5005-4ea3-8a45-4b797941cf00">Re: Should have seen this coming! Kinda long</a>:
    [QUOTE]My cousin got engaged and 3 days later her FI got his deployment letter that he was leaving like a month later.  So they JOP'ed it with just their parents and siblings then once he got back almost a year later they had a 'vow renewal' and a reception to follow.  She wore a wedding gown and he in a suit and I never heard a single person make a comment about it being odd. The invitations stated that Mr. and Mrs. Blank invite you to their vow renewal with dinner and dancing to follow. Everything was similar to a wedding reception except the ceremony format and they weren't 'introduced' nor did they cut a cake.  But there were still toasts and a wedding party made up of siblings. We still got them gifts, we all ate, danced, and had a marvelous time!  I see absolutely nothing wrong with this!  What I do find wrong is if someone lies about being married and tries to pull it off as an actual wedding or refers to it as their 'real wedding'.  If it is someone you love and care about, you won't think twice about it being a vow renewal or anything like that.  It is being their to celebrate the love and committment of the couple whether it is a wedding or a renewal.
    Posted by heybekaruth[/QUOTE]

    This is definetly another way to do it. Didn't even think about it last night when I posted.


    And to the poster that said "people that JOP are just too impatient or too broke" are you serious? That is NOT way most people JOP.  Certain circumstances arise and at times some calls like JOPing it must be made.  Please don't generalize.

    To the OP I think you're headed in the right direction. Plan a wedding that'll make you and your FI happy :o) *and not stressed*

    Good luck!
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  • SD3194SD3194 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    I'm sorry but I just don't agree with having a vow renewal/fake ceremony/reception months after you're already married. I think you misunderstood what I was trying to say. I'm not saying that people that JOP in general are being impatient, my parents got married at the courthouse, I have no problem with it. I just think two wedding days is a bit much.

    If you want a JOP then awesome! I just wish people would realize that your wedding day is the day you sign those papers.

    I've been to 3 weddings where the couple went to the JOP and then had a more traditional wedding a few months later when it was more "convenient" for them. As a guest I feel like I'm getting ripped off. One of the brides got pregnant while she was engaged and instead of just pushing the wedding up or postponing she decided to JOP it and then have her wedding 6 months after she had the baby. At her wedding myself and many others were annoyed because we weren't really watching her get married, because *news flash* she already was.

    I don't want to live with my FI before we're married. Should we just go to the JOP tomorrow so we don't have to pay two rents until our May 2012 wedding day? No...it's not right to get married by the JOP just for the convenience.

  • NcsuPsychNcsuPsych member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina_should-seen-this-coming-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:115Discussion:5c85c45a-adbc-4c22-a730-73f4e05bcd14Post:34895ead-a0b5-42b9-9bd5-95f0ab2c3ac5">Re: Should have seen this coming! Kinda long</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry but I just don't agree with having a vow renewal/fake ceremony/reception months after you're already married. I think you misunderstood what I was trying to say. I'm not saying that people that JOP in general are being impatient, my parents got married at the courthouse, I have no problem with it. I just think two wedding days is a bit much. If you want a JOP then awesome! I just wish people would realize that your wedding day is the day you sign those papers. I've been to 3 weddings where the couple went to the JOP and then had a more traditional wedding a few months later when it was more "convenient" for them<strong>. As a guest I feel like I'm getting ripped off</strong>. One of the brides got pregnant while she was engaged and instead of just pushing the wedding up or postponing she decided to JOP it and then have her wedding 6 months after she had the baby. At her wedding myself and many others were annoyed because we weren't really watching her get married, because *news flash* she already was. I don't want to live with my FI before we're married. Should we just go to the JOP tomorrow so we don't have to pay two rents until our May 2012 wedding day? No...it's not right to get married by the JOP just for the convenience.
    Posted by SD3194[/QUOTE]


    Uh last I checked you werent paying for their wedding. . .and you dont HAVE to buy them a gift. So. . .therefore you shouldn't feel 'ripped off'

    OP understands she shouldn't lie about the situation and from the sounds of it, she's just going to re-plan things. You ARENT the ettiquette police and last I checked even though there are 'rights and wrongs' to wedding planning, every person will do what works best for them.

    I'm not saying I fully agree with some suggestions and ways of doing things, but OP wanted thoughts and ideas of what could be done.

    P.s. whats you're living with your FI have anything to do with this? I lived with my DH prior to our wedding because it was more economically smart and responsible as opposed to getting a new lease, then having to sublease (which is a pain in the ass).

    People must do what is best for their situation.

    I'll be sure to bring these thoughts of yours back when you're at the "can I just elope" phase (we all go through that). Keep an open mind for there are many different ways to doing things.
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  • SD3194SD3194 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    OP asked for our opinions and I gave her mine. Nothing wrong with that. By "ripped off" I'm not talking about a gift. I wanted to see my friends get married and it sucks that I wasn't able to just because they were too impatient. I don't go to weddings for the party, I go to see the people I care about get married. I understand that some of her guests will be okay with JOP now/Reception later thing but OP needs to know that SOME of her guests will think its rude of her. I just have strong feelings about this because it seems to be what a lot of people of doing now (at least in my group of friends) and usually it's just unnecessary.

    OPs reasoning for JOP was because she wanted to get married right NOW and have a wedding when she has the money. IMO (which she asked for) I don't think this is a good enough reason. If your FI is being deployed and you want to be married ASAP and have a wedding when he returns, I think this is totally okay. But why is she in such a rush? FI and I don't have money for the wedding we want right now so that's why we're having a longer engagement, her situation isn't much different (from what I can tell). 

    I was just using my living together situation as an example. It would be convenient for us to get married now and then have our wedding later but out of respect for our guests we aren't doing this.

    On a different note, your dog is super cute. I had a basset hound named Madame Wilbur when I was a kid. I miss her :(

  • edited December 2011
    I didn't realize I was "OP", new to this blog language. 

    When FI and I first talked about JOP it was because my grandma was not in good health and I wanted her there, she was there for me growing up more than my mother ever was.  She died over the summer, so there is no real rush anymore.  After my grandma died my parents got their part of the inheritance and my parents were going to pay for the wedding with some of that money.  And I'm not talking a big fancy wedding.

    Ultimately, I've looked at other venues and cannot find one within our budget so I may still use my parents house and my FI and I pay for it ourselves.  I know what this means, my life has not been like most people's and it's not going to start just because I'm getting married.  And honestly, whether I get another venue or not, let my mom be involved in planning or not, none of it will be easy because my mother is my mother.  I have realized that if I want a wedding with family and friends I will have to push through this.  It's either that or let her rob me of one more thing because I didn't want to fight for it.
  • edited December 2011
    I think the JOP and a party later is a fine solution if you continue having problems with your mother. If you are upfront about the fact that you are already married but are having a get together to celebrate it, I don't see a problem with it. If someone is offended by that, they can just stay home.

    It is very hard dealing with family members, especially parents, that have these complexes. Maybe you just continuing on as if nothing has happened she will realize that you aren't mollifying her anymore? Have you ever tried not "playing the game"?
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  • edited December 2011
    Jennb3
    I do not "play the game" anymore.  However, I believe her behavior has been reinforced one too many times, and others in my family continue to "play the game".  I will continue to plan and get things ready with or without her. Thanks for posting.
  • edited December 2011
    I still nothing wrong with either way you want to do it.  If you want to move forward and do it at your parents, great - if you want to JOP it and have a celebration later, great.

    I agree with PP that if a friend is offended then they don't have to come to the celebration/vow renewal, etc.  The celebration, as I stated before, is a celebration of your love and commitment to each other.  If you choose to JOP either with just you and fi or include your family, that is completely up to you.  And it doesn't matter the reason, you don't want to wait, finances, military - to me, the reason is a moot point and a personal decision.  I actually see a bit of romance in 'oh, we are so in love, we just couldn't wait to be husband and wife - but now we will see you at the celebration in a few months'.  Sometimes ppl say 'why rush'...when the answer actually is, 'why wait'?!  (Now if you're under the age of 22 (maybe even 24), I would completely change that opinion! ha)

    If a guest is 'unhappy' bc they weren't invited to the JOP ceremony then that is their perogative - you can clear that up easily by saying it was just us or it was just family.  (Now, if you open the JOP ceremony up to a select group - then I can see feelings being hurt.)

    Your guests should be honored to be included in your celebration, whether it immediately follows your ceremony or takes place months later.  But I suppose I am much more easy going than a lot of ppl and feel that every bride should be able to run her ceremony and reception/celebration as she sees fit for her and her fi.  I also do not know a single friend of mine that would be offended if Nathan and I opted to go to JOP and had to celebrate with us later - they would all be there to party with us.  Some may be disappointed that we chose to do that, but not one would feel 'ripped off' - they would respect our decision and be there for us.
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