My MOH is being being difficult to say the least. Is there anyone else who has or had a maid of honor who is being less than cooperative? What did you do?

Re: MOHzilla!

  • Texas Same-sex wedding here! My Man-of-Honor AND groomsmaids have been total Zillas! The worst part about it is that every time I try to assert myself, they all begin to laugh and call me a fell out of control WAY too fast. I had to take a step back and reflect on the situation.

    Mistake #1: I was so excited and looked forward to experiencing the whole wedding planning process that I wanted to include my grooms party (bridal party for you).

    Mistake #2: I was completely open to all suggestions/ideas. That made everything confusing, unfocussed, and chaotic.

    Mistake #3: *I did not do this, but this is probably the worst idea* ....bringing bridal party to important meetings (church, venue, caterer, planner, decorater, florist, etc.). You lose control and get nothing done. 

    How I turned it around: Give the MOH a to-do list or book to keep him/her preoccupied The MOH already has a lot to do on his/her own. Grooms/Bridal party-I realized that their outfits were really important to them. So, I gave each one of them a job; one picks the dress, one picks the hairstyle, one picks the makeup, accessaries, etc. Of course, let them know that the decision will be finalized by you. You see, everyone gets to feel like they have a unique job, yet YOU will still have all the control. As for important meetings such as vendors or what have you, the maids NOR the moh need to know when those take place. That is between you, your fiancé, and the vendor ONLY! Do not even think about inviting mom, dad, or anyone else(if they are paying, then all they need to know is costs so they can create the budget). Back to the MOH and the maids, the only info that they need to know is the color scheme, and the wedding theme.(period)

    Good luck love! And do not lose focus as to what this day is celebrating. This is supposed to be an amazing and memorable experience for you, don't let anyone take this away from you! 
  • At my first wedding my MOH called 2 hrs before the wedding and said she didn't like her dress after all and would not be at the wedding, because she would not wear the dress. She picked it out and the color....
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  • edited April 2012
    KJeffs... Oh HELL no! What did you do????
  • edited April 2012
    Not much I could do...Just told her " fine, at this point I don't even care." Then hung up and cried for ten mins. When I got to the wedding venue she was there so it worked out, but I was mad and hurt enough I really wouldn't have cared if she hadn't shown up.
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  • edited April 2012
    haha MonsieurChai - you took the words right out of my mouth. I cannot believe someone would do that!

    Now - that being said - YEARS ago, i was asked by my brother to be in his now wife's wedding party, feeling on the spot I said yes. But not one inch of my being wanted to be part of it - my brother and I have a tumultuous relationship at best and I just felt very fake standing up there with him and his wife. I did give it a month or so, but before we went to try on dresses etc I called them and told them i didn't feel comfortable in that role, that I would be at all the preceding events (showers, stags etc) and would absolutely support them that way - i live 5 hours away from them - but that I felt strongly that they should have people standing with them that are close and important to them - not just to follow the rules, because i'm his sister.
    It was hard but I did it, and feel good about it even now - but I will say, I can't imagine leaving them in the lurch so close!

    Any threads about bad MOH's just make me realize how lucky i am with my girl - she is so excited about all the details, i told her to pick whatever dress she wants, and is comfortable in, she insists she wants me to pick it, she won't let me pay for it, etc etc. I am so so lucky

    KJeffs- i'm curious - are you still friends with your MOH? Did you ever discuss it again?
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  • We had been friends since we were 4 so I was really upset. We still talk sometimes but no we are not really friends. All she ever said after the wedding is when she got dressed she decided she didn't like the dress after all and didn't want to wear it.  I was her MOH 6 months before. It was weird to me that after picking the dress trying it on more then once she waited tell 2hrs before my wedding to call me??
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  • OMG. I'm so sorry for everyone with attendent issues.

    I wish maid(man) of honors, groomsmen, bridesmaids, and any other form of the fore-mentioned understand that it is there job to go with the couples flow and to show up and help when asked. I understand wanting to have a dress you feel good about but it's not your choice as an attendant and if the couple are letting you choose  you really have no room to complain.

    I'm lucky my maid of honor is five (my future niece) so there is no drama.
  • Ugh. I can't imagine acting like that as a MOH. When I was MOH for my best friend, I did everything I could to be perfect. I was so happy to have been asked to be part of her big day, that I wanted to make sure that everything was perfect for her. Maybe I was just over enthusiastic.
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  • Hello! I feel your stress with the moh who is more of a pain then help! I actually just told my moh that since she cant help me with anything and she doesnt want to give a toast at my wedding that I'm going to pick someone else who has more time. I actually think she was more relieved then sad by my un-moh her. Maybe have a talk and tell her how you feel, hopefully that will help you out. I had 3 talks with her before i decided enough was enough!!

    *monica *
  • Sounds like a MOH got cold feet! lol
    Glad everything worked out either way, sad that it seems to of really ruined the friendship though. :(

  • Thanks for all the great advice!!!

    ... She's still giving me grief though. We've had to post-pone the shower three times now. We finally settled on a date (which is now only 2 weeks away). I just found out today from my finace's sister, that the invites still haven't been sent out. We settled on this date over a month ago and my mom stepped up to the plate to do as much planning as she could (even though its uncouth for the brides mother to plan the bridal shower). All she had to do is send out the invites. 

     I've asked her if the whole maid of honor thing was too much for her and she keeps insiting that its not and that she's so excited to help ect... but all she's done so far is make me feel like I'm not that important to her. She's out almost every night posting pictures on facebook of her going out to bars and concerts. 

    I've read that it's really important to avoid "firing" anyone is the bridal party and I am worried that would ruin our friendship... but at this point I don't know if there will be much of a friendship afterwards.
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