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Choosing Bridesmaids is what is going to drive me crazy?!

Ok so I have always wanted a small wedding but my fiance and I have huge families.  We have been pressured to invite every freaking person we have even the slightest bit of blood in common (my parents are paying for the wedding so we have to respect their wishes).  Needless to say we are having a large wedding ~200.

  On top of that I have 4 sisters, 5 nieces, 1 sister in law, and my very best friend / female soul mate as well as three close female friends.  If I ask everyone that would mean 2 maids of honor, 7 bridesmaid, 2 junior bridesmaids and 3 flowergirls.  (It would be chaos!)

Right away I knew I wanted my very best friend (M) and one of my sisters (Je) to be my co-maids of honor.  I couldn't do it without them right by my side. 

Now for the sticky part. 

My fiance HATES one of my sisters (Ka) and has basically forbidden me from having her in the wedding party.  What the heck do I do? 

My sister (Jes) assumes she has already been chosen and keeps telling me how gorgeous she would look in the colors. 

Also my sister-in-law (R) (who is 42) has said she just wants to be a guest at the wedding unless i realllyyy want her to be in the bridal party. 

My oldest sister (Ke) hates my best friend (M) and isn't the biggest fan of my fiance.  She told me it was up to me whether I have her in the wedding. (at Jes's wedding she said she didn't really want to be in it so Jes didn't ask her and Ke was PISSED)

My parents expect my nieces to all be in the wedding so that is already decided for me.

Also with my three friends I would have to pick all or none.  Two have already expressed to me that they are waiting for me to ask them. 

Sooo what am I to do?!  Just say screw it and have them all and deal with the chaos as it comes? I really wanted a small wedding.... at least in some way.   With a bigger wedding party brings more of an expense, not that I am paying but I don't want to bankrupt my parents!  What I am kind of thinking of doing is just having my two maids of honor and all of my nieces.  That would take care of some of my problem i guess.  I just don't want to hurt anyone.  :( 
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Re: Choosing Bridesmaids is what is going to drive me crazy?!

  • In Response to Choosing Bridesmaids is what is going to drive me crazy?!:
    [QUOTE]Ok so I have always wanted a small wedding but my fiance and I have huge families.  We have been pressured to invite every freaking person we have even the slightest bit of blood in common (my parents are paying for the wedding so we have to respect their wishes).  Needless to say we are having a large wedding ~200.   On top of that I have 4 sisters, 5 nieces, 1 sister in law, and my very best friend / female soul mate as well as three close female friends.  If I ask everyone that would mean 2 maids of honor, 7 bridesmaid, 2 junior bridesmaids and 3 flowergirls.  (It would be chaos!) Right away I knew I wanted my very best friend (M) and one of my sisters (Je) to be my co-maids of honor.  I couldn't do it without them right by my side.  Now for the sticky part.  My fiance HATES one of my sisters (Ka) and has basically forbidden me from having her in the wedding party.  What the heck do I do?  My sister (Jes) assumes she has already been chosen and keeps telling me how gorgeous she would look in the colors.  Also my sister-in-law (R) (who is 42) has said she just wants to be a guest at the wedding unless i realllyyy want her to be in the bridal party.  My oldest sister (Ke) hates my best friend (M) and isn't the biggest fan of my fiance.  She told me it was up to me whether I have her in the wedding. (at Jes's wedding she said she didn't really want to be in it so Jes didn't ask her and Ke was PISSED) My parents expect my nieces to all be in the wedding so that is already decided for me. Also with my three friends I would have to pick all or none.  Two have already expressed to me that they are waiting for me to ask them.  Sooo what am I to do?!  Just say screw it and have them all and deal with the chaos as it comes? I really wanted a small wedding.... at least in some way.   With a bigger wedding party brings more of an expense, not that I am paying but I don't want to bankrupt my parents!  What I am kind of thinking of doing is just having my two maids of honor and all of my nieces.  That would take care of some of my problem i guess.  I just don't want to hurt anyone.  :( 
    Posted by Jlp818[/QUOTE]

    1. The people in your wedding should be your nearest and dearest. They should be the people that you couldn't imagine getting married without them. If that is M and Je, then so be it. Make sure they are there with you.
    2. Since your parents are paying for the wedding, you are right that you have to listen to what they want. If they want your nieces in the wedding, then yes, they should be in the wedding.
    3. It concerns me that your FI hates your sister (Ka) to the point where he "forbids" her from being in the wedding. Really? It's your wedding too, and since she is your sister, I feel like you have more of a say (especially since your parents are paying). If you want your sister there, then you need to have a serious heart to heart with your FI. What's he going to do in the future? Refuse to ever let you see her or spend time with her? She IS your sister.
    4. If your sister-in-law (R) would prefer to be a guest at your wedding, then let her be a guest. You have to respect your guests and put their comfort above your wants. If she would be comfortable being a guest, then let her be one.
    5. As for your oldest sister (Ke - I assume different than Ka), if you want her to be in the wedding then ask her to be in it. It's not about whether she would get mad or anything. If you want her there, then ask her to be there. I'm sure she can put aside her petty feelings of hatred toward your friend (M) and your FI for one day.
    Don't worry about what people expect of you or are waiting for you to do. All that matters is what you, your FI, and your parents want. If you only want to ask two of your three friends, then do it. But be prepared that that could cause some issues and might even end a friendship.
    Also - you shouldn't be worrying about this right now. Your wedding isn't until September 2013. Don't choose your wedding party members until about 9 months out from the wedding since relationships can change and/or your parents could change their minds about what they want. Who knows? You might not even be friends with some of these people in December/January when you ask them.
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  • I agree with previous poster about not choosing your wedding party quite yet.  I also think you could explain to your parents that, while you respect their wishes and you concede to the guest list, you don't want a huge wedding party.  Then, sit your sisters down and have an honest conversation with each of them.  Explain that you don't want a huge wedding party...   talk to each of them about whether they even WANT to be in the wedding party, and only if you actually WANT them there.  

    As far as having all 5 nieces in the wedding party.  I'm sorry, but I think that is serious overkill.  that is way to many kids to manage in the ceremony for my taste.  You could involve them in a different way.  Have them all dress the same or similarly and take pictures with them, but you don't need them in the actual ceremony. 
  • In Response to Re: Choosing Bridesmaids is what is going to drive me crazy?!:
    [QUOTE]As far as having all 5 nieces in the wedding party.  I'm sorry, but I think that is serious overkill.  that is way to many kids to manage in the ceremony for my taste.  You could involve them in a different way.  Have them all dress the same or similarly and take pictures with them, but you don't need them in the actual ceremony. 
    Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]
    I completely agree. While your parents are paying and they do get a huge say, you and FI are the ones getting married- you should include those that are nearest and dearest to you. I can't imagine wrangling 5 kids and having everything run smoothly.

    I also agree that you have a ton of time to think about who both you and FI want to ask, and as far as your sister assuming she's in the WP- master the art of beandipping, which basically means changing the subject. Quite frankly, what she's doing is rude.

    I also would respect your SIL's wishes of just being a guest. I wouldn't worry about including her.

    If there's one thing I've learned from my own wedding planning, it's to know that you really can't satisfy everyone all the time. Plus to not only anticipate bumps along the way, but expect them.
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  • Thank you ladies!  I will definately push back deciding on a wedding party.  I think it was just the excitement over getting engaged that has everyone hounding me on choosing everything now.  (Not to mention I am a planning (details) nut as well).  In the end I just want to have fun and marry my amazing guy.  Everything will fall into place eventually.       Right?!
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  • I would just have the two co maids of honor and say that you are not going to have bridesmaids.Say that you want a small wedding party.
  • In Response to Re: Choosing Bridesmaids is what is going to drive me crazy?!:
    [QUOTE]Thank you ladies!  I will definately push back deciding on a wedding party.  I think it was just the excitement over getting engaged that has everyone hounding me on choosing everything now.  (Not to mention I am a planning (details) nut as well).  In the end I just want to have fun and marry my amazing guy.  Everything will fall into place eventually.       Right?!
    Posted by Jlp818[/QUOTE]

    Right. I didn't ask bridesmaids until 6 months before the wedding. By then people realized how much it was cost wise/ time etc.I would still ask people do help do stuff like wedding dresses etc if you want. They can still go as friends etc. 
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