Maine

UGH!! (LOOOONG)

My mother is driving me crazy. So way back when we started planning the wedding, we fell in love with our venue and decided that we'd find other ways to cut back if it meant that we could have the place. One way we talked about cutting back was doing a pot luck reception but I decided I really wanted to at least have the main course catered and then we could do apps and things in a pot luck fashion. My aunt (on my dad's side) is in the food service industry and has catered a few events in her time and she said she could help me with the catering. I told her my food budget for 100 people including all the serving dishes and any outside help she might have to hire would be $1500. When we first started planning, my mom volunteered a significant financial contribution. She is very frugal and cost conscious so she obviously wanted to know exactly where the money was going. Totally reasonable. I made sure that the food was not an area that her money would be going toward because she was very adamant that a pot luck reception was a way better idea than hiring someone to cater, even if that someone was my aunt. Well now that we're getting down to the wire, I had to give my aunt the money for the food order and she actually came in about $500 under budget. I was thrilled. Then my mom gets involved and tells me that I was absolutely insane to give her a $1500 budget and that she wants to know exactly where every cent of the money was being spent. I told her to leave it alone please and just let my aunt do her thing, but she said she didn't think it was unreasonable for her to just ask my aunt for a breakdown of exactly what food/equipment is being ordered/rented and the cost of each thing. Fine I said.Today I get an email from my aunt basically scolding me for not communicating better with my mother who apparently went to her this morning and not only asked for a detailed list of all the costs associated with the catering but also asked her to change things and omit things that she thinks are unnecessary (like she thought we didn't need both rice and potato, and she wanted to not have my aunt make a vegetarian course and instead ask her sister to make a vegetarian lasagna). I'm so unimpressed. I've told my mother a thousand times to leave well enough alone and she just can't. And yet I feel bad getting upset at her when it's just a huge part of who she is to be frugal and try to save money. Especially since she's contributed so much to this wedding financially, I don't want to upset or offend her, but I'm so grateful to my aunt for offering to cater this for me that I don't want to upset or offend her either. Can it just be Sept. 12th already? I'm so excited for this wedding, but I'm over the planning.

Re: UGH!! (LOOOONG)

  • edited December 2011
    Oh Angeliza, I am SOOOOO right there with you! If your mom's money isn't going to the food, then it's really none of her business, right? Obviously, however, she cannot just "let it go" like you'd want her to.I think your mom and my mom should get together and go bowling or something! Seriously!If it helps, I think you should make it clear to your aunt that she doesn't owe your mom any breakdowns or explanations and that she should simply disregard your mother's attempts to control the issue. Then just smile at your mom and say "yes, mom, thank you for the input." and then-- as long as whatever you're talking about doesn't involve her money-- just do what you wanted/planned anyhow.That seems to work best with my mom. She's a control freak extraordinaire. And she will never change. And she HATES that I am not letting her have any say in the wedding. She's not paying for it, either, so I have a little more leeway (and the very extensive and involved support of my father and sister).Hang in there, Kiddo! It will be the 12th soon enough! Don't you worry about that! :-)
    "Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky." -- Ranier Maria Rilke BabyFruit Ticker image Me:37 MH:38 TTC since Oct 2011 BFP/Beta#1: 13 6/20/12; Beta#2: 20 6/22/12; MC/Beta#3: 9 6/27/12 BFP#2/Beta#1: 9/21/12 S/PAIFW
  • edited December 2011
    Oh Daniele, I knew I could count on you for some reasonable advice! I'm glad I'm not the only one with a control freak mother. It makes me feel better just to know there's someone else out there who knows where I'm coming from. :) I emailed my aunt and apologized for my mom's behavior and explained that I'm more than happy to let her do her thing and so grateful for what she's doing for me. I also told her that I've asked my mother several times to leave the food issue well enough alone and that she is certainly welcome to ignore my mother's meddling and tell my mom that I've already spoken to her about what I want and therefore she's going with that. Hopefully that will stop the worst of this. At least I sincerely hope so!
  • edited December 2011
    Sept 12 is right around the corner! You're almost there! It sounds like you are handling things beautifully. Just continue doing what you are doing--keeping the lines of communication open, being gracious and thankful but clear and firm on what you want--and you'll get through bumps in the road with your mom. Pretty soon, you'll be so close enough to your actual day that there won't be time for new issues to crop up.
  • edited December 2011
    Angeliza, when our weddings are both over, we'll have to touch base and see how our moms did! LOLMine has taken over the rehearsal dinner and then keeps asking me about details (timeline, food options, etc.) but when I answer her and she doesn't like the answer, she just keeps asking me the same question over and over in different ways until I finally agree with her. Or, she gets cranky at me. So I've given up! It's just not worth it! LOL And I have taken her out of the loop on so many other decisions... Hang in there! You're going to have a great, fun day-- at the end of which, you'll be looking to the next 65+ years with the man of your dreams! Hooray!
    "Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky." -- Ranier Maria Rilke BabyFruit Ticker image Me:37 MH:38 TTC since Oct 2011 BFP/Beta#1: 13 6/20/12; Beta#2: 20 6/22/12; MC/Beta#3: 9 6/27/12 BFP#2/Beta#1: 9/21/12 S/PAIFW
  • edited December 2011
    Daniele, that's exactly what my mom has been doing too! If she doesn't like my answers she just asks again and again and again until I change the answer or get mad and start an arguement. It's not awesome. :-pHave you checked the extended forecast on accuweather.com yet? It's looking like showers in the morning on my day but sunny and 70s for you!
  • edited December 2011
    Angeliza, don't do this to yourself! New England weather changes so quickly! I'm not going to check the weather until about Wednesday or Thursday of next week (I have to give the Regency notice by Friday if I am moving the wedding indoors). This way, I don't drive myself nuts worrying about something I can't control-- and/or getting myself worked up about weather that will change by the time they finish saying the forecast.In the meantime, however, I'm going to keep fingers and toes crossed that the entire weekend is sunny and slightly cool (or warm, rather than hot) and not too windy. For both of us! Think positive and we'll think this good weather right into existence! Are you with me???
    "Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky." -- Ranier Maria Rilke BabyFruit Ticker image Me:37 MH:38 TTC since Oct 2011 BFP/Beta#1: 13 6/20/12; Beta#2: 20 6/22/12; MC/Beta#3: 9 6/27/12 BFP#2/Beta#1: 9/21/12 S/PAIFW
  • edited December 2011
    Totally with you! And you're completely right, the weather forecasts for this area are not accurate beyond the day of anyway. Not worth stressing over! :)
  • AngelSmittyAngelSmitty member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Angeliza,Sorry you're having to deal with your mom being a bit overbearing right now.  Right before my wedding I was totally feeling like I was soooo over the planning and ready to just have my wedding too!  Your mom can nag and pitch fits as much as she wants, but when it is finally Sept 12th, none of that will matter because it will be YOUR day and things will seem just perfect :)  Less than 2 weeks till you're a Mrs.!!!
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    Sarah, you're way too sweet! Thanks. :) I need reminders like that.
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