uninvited guests (vent)

jessicabessica

We got an RSVP card back today from my mom's second cousin once removed, saying that she and her husband would attend the wedding, but she will be bringing her 3 children to the day before BBQ and day after brunch.  She enclosed a note that she understood her "young adults" (they are ages 15-20) were not invited to the wedding, but she would like to bring them to the other events because they'll be coming up from NYC.  

My mom already told her that her kids are not invited to the wedding.  Now my mom is saying that if they are going to come up anyway, she will feel really bad if they are all alone during the time of the wedding.  This is really frustrating because our guest list is really tight, and we have 3 friends who are in new relationships, so we're going to fill any "no" spots with their sig others (and I would feel bad if we couldn't do so).  We also wanted a smaller wedding (well, I wanted to go to a judge and just get done with it from the beginning, FI wants a party and the family wants something big--which they're paying for), so I don't necessarily want to fill all the no spots with random distant cousins just because we have room.  

Anyway, thanks for the vent.  I generally do ok going through the motions of the big wedding thing, because I know it will make many people I love very happy, but I just can't handle stuff like this sometimes.  

fickrj5

I hear you on this one, going through some of the same stuff.  Are you paying for the night before and day after get togethers? I would find it really rude, if she just told you they were coming and you had to fit the bill for them.  Also, don't forget that you want to have two extra settings (at least) at the reception, for any unexpected guests.  Something tells me that she did this to get you to invite them to the big event.  The problem is with stuff like this is if they show up what are you going to do? throw a tantrum and kick thier asses, nope, we just have to deal with our relatives and thier crap. Lucky us right! 

I would say just stick to what you already have for a guest list.

plato79

I agree w/fickrj - stick to your guns as much as possible. It's really annoying when people try and invite others. I've been through it with several people - some easier to deal with than others. My feeling is: if the person is willing to bring them up and not have them at the wedding and they know that up front, then take them at their word. They know what they are getting into. No need to feel badly to include the kids at the wedding.

Good luck. 

chrispygal

Wow.  I agree with letting them come to the other events, but having them stay home or at the hotel during the wedding.  You can't start making exceptions because then they just snowball.  I understand why exceptions are made - there is guilt, stress, and at some point you just figure 'what the heck we'll just do it' because we want to enjoy the day, and the process leading up to it.  Sometimes it's just easier to let things go.  So whatever you decide it's ok. Just decide it and move on and focus on all the positive parts.

jessicabessica

Thanks for the feedback, ladies.  I talked to my dad last night and he 100% agrees with me that the kids should not be allowed to come to the wedding just because their mom is pushy and rude about it, especially since there are people that we were not able to invite because we didn't have room.  We will see what happens. 

friendofthecouple

I'm sorry, I have to go against the group on here.  You have family coming from NYC to your wedding and they are bringing close to adult children with them and you want them to not only not come to the wedding, but other events as well.  Won't this be a chance for them to see their family as well?

I don't agree with filling slots with friends significant others, especially where you said the relationships were all new.  I would think you would want people at your wedding, who you may still be talking to in 10 years - if it was their fiances yes - new SO no.

Just my opinion!

jpickering8

Nope I completely agree.  If they understood that their children were not invited then they could stay in NY.  This way they wouldn't have to make you feel guilty either way.  I am dealing with this with FI's cousin.  She was coming but then asked me via facebook wall if she could bring her new boyfriend (side note:  Her brother got married May 1st and this boyfriend wasn't there because they weren't dating yet).  FI called her and said regretfully no we didn't have room.  She called back days later saying that she wouldn't be coming, but she'd be driving down her brother & his wife and her and her new bf would be staying in the hotel while the wedding occured.  SERIOUSLY?  She's mad because her brother can bring his wife and she can't bring her new bf of 2 weeks. I can't start making expectations because it will be a ripple effect.  It's ridiculous how rude people can be.

jessicabessica

I am much more comfortable accomodating last minute sig others than children.  First of all, that's what proper etiquette supports, and second, I know who has kids, so I already decided not to invite them, but if someone is in a new relationship, that's not a decision I already made (in fact, I invited friends with their sig others, so maybe I did already kind of decide).  But if you don't have room, there's not really much you can do. 

I would also be pretty annoyed that she posted on your FB wall to ask (in jpickering's story).  People generally need to learn how to gracefully decline an invitation and realize that while receptions are supposed to be about hosting people, they're not all about one person's antics. 

chrispygal

Wow.  And this is my benefit of only inviting 60 people and that includes dates!  lol There are about 7 or 8 kids that were not invited (because we'd have almost as many kids as adult guests so we just kept it to kids of the wedding party) and I've gotten very little pushback.  My FI's step-sister has hinted about her kids but they are seriously terrors and they do not watch their kids at all.  My FI will not move on this.  As bad as I feel sometimes, I just have to stick to my guns (which I am)!

Jpickering, that is really ballsy of her!  I think I get it, because he is traveling with them for the weekend and she wouldn't want to leave him alone, but really a phone call should have been made where she could explain her reason for asking.  If she wants to miss out, she can miss out.  If you end up having cancellations and can give her the date, I'm sure it would be appreciated.  Totally your call and I think either one is ok.  P.S.  I'm surprised aunts/uncles/parents haven't gotten involved in this debate yet. Oy vey!