July 2013 Weddings

Gift Concerns

Since we are moving to CA in two weeks (yikes), we can't really take gifts on the plane when I come home for the bridal shower and then the wedding. My FMI told me that she will spread the word that we would like gift cards and money, and told me to let my mom and step-mom know that too. Is that good etiquette? I know that we have talked about this before, I just didn't really pay as much attention (sorry), because it didn't apply to me now.
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Re: Gift Concerns

  • Typically guests send gifts to the couple at their home before the wedding so it shouldn't be too much of an issue. 

    If you're not interested in taking the gifts on the plane or the possibility of having to ship them back home then I would politely decline the shower as showers are for showering the bride/couple with gifts.

    However, I'd like to think that this is something your guests would consider (since they know you live in CA) and will take that into consideration when choosing what gift to give you and how to get it to you.  
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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  • Where in CA are you moving?? I have the same issue really. I moved to San Diego two years ago. My wedding is out here but I am having a large east coast shower. I decided I"m going to take the "not going to worry about it" approach. Everyone knows I live in CA so hopefully they will be conscious of that but I like gifts so getting a lot won't be too upsetting haha. Have you thought of asking someone (perhaps your mom or soon to be MIL) to put money towards the shipping as  a gift? Not sure how you would feel about that.

    Also, there is an awesome website called honeyfund.com where people can donate to your honeymoon. We are doing that so we can get help paying for it. That would help you pay for the honeymoon and you wouldn't have to worry about dragging anything back.

    Have fun with the move! I'm not sure where you are moving but I'm sure you will love it on the west coast!! One of the best decisions I ever made :)
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  • Dont have a shower if you want gift cards/cash. Showers are meant for the bride to be showered with gifts and it can get pretty awkward to have a shower of gift cards/cash.

    If you dont register and dont have any showers, people will get the hint that you do not want any gifts and prefer a cash gift.

    522805_10151186959893168_80368830_n_zps80e4c057
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  • I have to agree with Dileni. Showers are typically for gift gifts, not money and gift cards! Also, some people consider giving gift cards and cash impersonal or rude so they will bring gifts anyway. However, I think you're doing the right thing etiquette wise with just letting your mom and BP spread the word. As for the honeyfund, etiquette board would say that's a nogo, but I certainly understand the appeal!
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  • I think honeyfund is a great idea. What is the difference if they give you cash that you are putting towards your honeymoon or if they just give you a check that they don't tell you what it's for. To me, it's a way they can help you celebrate your marriage and your honeymoon. I couldn't care less what the etiquette board says.
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  • I agree with PP that if you want gift cards/money then you shouldn't have a shower since it is a gift giving occasion. One solution would be to return the gifts to the stores after the shower and re-buy them in your hometown. I would check with the stores first, but I do believe this is possible.

    Your FMIL is correct. If you do prefer money tell your wedding party and family and let them spread the word and do not register anywhere. Do not put it on the invitation. People are smart. They'll get the hint. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2013-weddings_gift-concerns?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a322ad2c-25cd-4d52-b123-096e1e4ecda5Discussion:d299cf60-82f1-4a6a-944d-6836ba700ad6Post:59d0abeb-67de-4d92-91e0-9b8f06acf5a1">Re: Gift Concerns</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think honeyfund is a great idea. What is the difference if they give you cash that you are putting towards your honeymoon or if they just give you a check that they don't tell you what it's for. To me, it's a way they can help you celebrate your marriage and your honeymoon. I couldn't care less what the etiquette board says.
    Posted by kay136[/QUOTE]

    just FTR, I wasn't trying to be rude by negating the honeyfund idea. It's just that I've seen so many posts when I was considering some kind of honeymoon registry like this:

    <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-honeymoon-registry-considered-rude">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-honeymoon-registry-considered-rude</a>

    and:

    <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_honeymoon-registry-okay">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_honeymoon-registry-okay</a>

    and my mom was appalled at the idea, so I ruled it out. We're just going to have a tiny registry or register for things we REALLY need, so hopefully people will get the hint that we prefer cash and gift cards. If not, whatever, a gift is a gift and we'll appreciate anything. You can always return or exchange for store credit, like the PP said! (really good idea, BTW!) Also, I totally understand the appeal of a honeymoon registry, so I personally would not look down at someone for having one. I just would rather avoid the drama from my mama and FMIL! :)
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  • In Response to Re:Gift Concerns:[QUOTE] FTR, I wasn't trying to be rude by negating the honeyfund idea. Also, I totally understand the appeal of a honeymoon registry, so I personally would not look down at someone for having one. I just would rather avoid the drama from my mama and FMIL! : Posted by missquela[/QUOTE] totally understand! To each her own! Didn't mean for my response to sound snarky : i totally understand the need to keep the mom and FMIL happy!
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  • Winnertag1Winnertag1 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited August 2012
    I think honeymoon funds are tacky. You're guests believe that they are paying for a specific part of your trip, say scuba diving - when in reality the company is taking a percentage of what your guest gives you & then gives the rest to you in cash. You are getting less than the guests gave you & the money isnt going towards what they think. If you want money as a gift, dont register, dont have showers & I would highly reccomend staying away from a honeyfund. 

    You're guests shouldnt have to 'help pay' for any part of your wedding, that is the respondability of yourself & your FI (and IF your parents WANT to help). It comes off as exceptionally rude and greedy when you are specifically asking for cash/various amounts of cash. 

    I would never buy anything off of anyones Honeyfund personally. 


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2013-weddings_gift-concerns?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a322ad2c-25cd-4d52-b123-096e1e4ecda5Discussion:d299cf60-82f1-4a6a-944d-6836ba700ad6Post:59d0abeb-67de-4d92-91e0-9b8f06acf5a1">Re: Gift Concerns</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think honeyfund is a great idea. What is the difference if they give you cash that you are putting towards your honeymoon or if they just give you a check that they don't tell you what it's for. To me, it's a way they can help you celebrate your marriage and your honeymoon. I couldn't care less what the etiquette board says.
    Posted by kay136[/QUOTE]

    <div>From an etiquette standpoint, HF is essentially direclty asking for money, which is considered to be the rude part.  Letting guests know via WOM that the OP is concerned about large gifts during travel and is saving up for "x" is a non-offensive way of accomplishing the same goal.</div><div>
    </div><div>I get not everybody agrees and what's traditional in one part of the country differs over another part, but the OP specificially asked about etiquette, so it matters to her.</div>
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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  • Ditto what flutter said, letting people know by word of mouth that you and FI would appreciate gift cards and money is totally fine. Are you doing a registry at all? If you do a small or no registry than people should generally get the hint. I don't suggest doing a honeymoon registry since this is ultimately asking for cash and against etiquette.

    Also, since showers are thrown to 'shower' the bride with gifts and most people bring physical gifts, you may want to rethink having one. You could do a bridal 'luncheon' instead or do something like a recipe shower.  

    Welcome to California :-)

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2013-weddings_gift-concerns?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a322ad2c-25cd-4d52-b123-096e1e4ecda5Discussion:d299cf60-82f1-4a6a-944d-6836ba700ad6Post:cf9ddc54-48df-4f0c-89d6-54b945cd8dcf">Re: Gift Concerns</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think honeymoon funds are tacky. You're guests believe that they are paying for a specific part of your trip, say scuba diving - when in reality the company is taking a percentage of what your guest gives you & then gives the rest to you in cash. You are getting less than the guests gave you & the money isnt going towards what they think. If you want money as a gift, dont register, dont have showers & I would highly reccomend staying away from a honeyfund.  You're guests shouldnt have to 'help pay' for any part of your wedding, that is the respondability of yourself & your FI (and IF your parents WANT to help). It comes off as exceptionally rude and greedy when you are specifically asking for cash/various amounts of cash.  I would never buy anything off of anyones Honeyfund personally. 
    Posted by DileniN[/QUOTE]

    Actually Honeyfund doesn't take any money from what they give you at all. The gifter actually writes you a check and gives it to you. You just print out what you want to use it for. A few of my friends did it and we loved the idea. I'm not going to put "airplane tickets" on it but I will put things like "romantic dinner" etc. They aren't helping pay for any part of my wedding, we are paying for it in it's entirety. My family likes the idea of being able to give us things like romanitic dinners on our honeymoons. Def not rude or greedy.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2013-weddings_gift-concerns?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a322ad2c-25cd-4d52-b123-096e1e4ecda5Discussion:d299cf60-82f1-4a6a-944d-6836ba700ad6Post:3f319714-4053-4e3e-a419-040f31f17ac3">Re: Gift Concerns</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gift Concerns :  but the OP specificially asked about etiquette, so it matters to her.
    Posted by flutterbride2b[/QUOTE]

    Agreed <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />
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  • I'm not trying to argue with you but your honeymoon is part of your wedding and honeymoon arent neccessary. Asking people to help pay for your honeymoon is like asking people to help pay for a part of your wedding. I just think the whole sense of specifically asking your guests to give money & putting various amounts is tacky.

    But to each their own, I guess things differ by areas of groups of people. I had never heard of a honeymoon registry till I had been here.

    522805_10151186959893168_80368830_n_zps80e4c057
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  • Hmmm Ladies. I have to say- all this honeyfund talk has me thinking twice. I thought it was a cute idea for people to think they gave us something romantic and fun to do on the honeymoon. Clearly as you all have pointed out, I know nothing about wedding etiquette. Laughing 

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2013-weddings_gift-concerns?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a322ad2c-25cd-4d52-b123-096e1e4ecda5Discussion:d299cf60-82f1-4a6a-944d-6836ba700ad6Post:4c41d13c-0259-4e86-b8c8-2ff10a6f4f59">Re: Gift Concerns</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not trying to argue with you but your honeymoon is part of your wedding and honeymoon arent neccessary. Asking people to help pay for your honeymoon is like asking people to help pay for a part of your wedding. I just think the whole sense of specifically asking your guests to give money & putting various amounts is tacky. But to each their own, I guess things differ by areas of groups of people. I had never heard of a honeymoon registry till I had been here.
    Posted by DileniN[/QUOTE]

    See my previous post about my second thoughts. I just never thought about it like you say above. I had never heard of it before one of my friends did it last year and I thought it was a cute idea. Oh well- It will have to be something my FI and I decide.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2013-weddings_gift-concerns?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a322ad2c-25cd-4d52-b123-096e1e4ecda5Discussion:d299cf60-82f1-4a6a-944d-6836ba700ad6Post:6ca18a5f-8f7a-41b7-b0e2-30fb1eea0760">Re: Gift Concerns</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gift Concerns : Actually Honeyfund doesn't take any money from what they give you at all. The gifter actually writes you a check and gives it to you. You just print out what you want to use it for. A few of my friends did it and we loved the idea. I'm not going to put "airplane tickets" on it but I will put things like "romantic dinner" etc. They aren't helping pay for any part of my wedding, we are paying for it in it's entirety. My family likes the idea of being able to give us things like romantic dinners on our honeymoons. Def not rude or greedy.
    Posted by kay136[/QUOTE]

    I'm not *not* a fan of HF as much as I am of some of the brides I've heard horror stories about that end up lying to their guests under the guise of them paying for their HM, taking the cash and getting something different completely.  Personally I can't see myself ever contributing to one - if I want to give money I can more easily give cash or a check that they can do whatever they want with.

    I find HF perfectly acceptable under the following circumstances:
    1) The couple is already paying for their transportation & room costs and will go on this particular HM regardless of how much their guests contribute.  A HM is a privilege, not a right, but some entitled brides on TK seem to think that a 5 star honeymoon experience is "owed" to them.  (Not saying you're one of them!)
    2) The couple "registers" for fun outings and upgrades.  A trip to the spa, a romantic dinner for 2 on the beach, a ziplining tour, snorkeling, etc.  Little extras that aren't super extravagant but would still be fun outings.  I'd be much more inclined to purchase a couples massage or a fun outing than I would one of 6 shares of your airfare.
    3) The couple actually does the activities that the guests "purchased" from their registry, and follow up with the guests with pictures and or a description of the experience.   A small gesture that would go a long way with guests knowing just how much their gift was appreciated.

    I think that honeyfund can be tastefully used, but its utilization in such a manner seems to be more of the exception than the rule of what I've seen on-line and with acquaintances IRL.
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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  • Also, I wanted to say *thank you* to all of you wonderful ladies for keeping such a potentially heated topic of conversation at a very mature level.  I know if this had been posted on some of the other boards I've browsed it would have turned into a trainwreck, but you ladies are sooo much better than that!
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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  • Thanks for all of the help ladies!!
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  • Everything you said flutterbride was what I thought about honeyfund. Maybe I'm just too honest but I would never spend the money on something else. I actually wanted to take pictures of us doing whatever someone bought for us and put it in the thank you card for that person. We are def going on the honeymoon anyway and no flight, airfare, or hotel or anything like that would ever have been included on it. BUT with all the negativity towards it it really has me second guessing. To me- it was like the same thing as giving cash but you get to tell us what to do on the honey moon. BUT talked to the FI last night and we decided to just forget it. I would hate for one of the guests to be offended by it and it really seems like more people are against it than for it.
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