Calling the BM tonight

CowgirlK39

Backstory for new members: All my BMs liked a dress we picked except one, so we changed the dress choice to something she saw online. I gave them a date, and all were ready except her. She told MOH that she didn't intend to order the dress until mid may, totally disregarding the date I gave.

So I intend to call this BM, Sam, today. She and MOH went on vacation together and right after that she sent me a text informing me that she is so far unable to find any one who sells this dress in her city. I have 5 days left to order before incurring rush fees. She has had 5 months to try on this dress, whether it meant coming back here to try it or doing some searching by her. We changed the dress choice to accomodate her, and she hasn't even tried it on yet. I was thinking of calling her and telling her either she give me her measurements and deal with the dress, or she is more than welcome to attend as a guest if this is too much to deal with right now. I cut her a lot of slack because she was having life issues, but there are deadlines in life and this one is closing in.

Does this sound like a good idea? I of course will be as polite and positive as possible but I cannot wait around for her any longer, and quite frankly am a little ticked that she blew off the date I gave.

BMcLeodTeam

I would just give her a final date, and if she hasn't ordered by that date order all the rest minus hers. She will either find it and pay to rush order it or pull herself out of the wedding at that point. Just be clear that you can't wait any longer, so you are putting the order in on x date.

lbarr088

Are you paying for all of the dresses and why would you pay the rush fee... wouldn't she?  Sorry I don't know the whole story here and before I give my opinion I'd like to know

AshnRobo

Are you paying for the dresses? If so, I would just ask her to go get measured by a seamstress and send you the measurements. Give her a deadline for the info a few days before the cut off for late fees so you can order the dress.

If you are paying, another idea might be to say you can still pay for the dress, but if she is late ordering it then she will have to pay the late fees. You can either have her pay it upfront or reimburse you. That might cause some problems though.

I don't think I would tell her you would like her to attend as a guest is a good idea unless you're ready to end the friendship. It may not end it, but it very well could. I would just remind her that you love her, but you really need her to take care of this b/c it is a costly thing to put off.

lbarr088

Without knowing details I would say that you need to be incredibly FIRM with this BM.  I was with mine to ensure that they knew I meant business about ordering their dresses.  They got them all by mid-April because I wanted to make sure that nothing bad happened.  Also, I would stop the politeness at this point because it really hasn't gotten you anywhere with her... some people need a little fire under their ass, KWIM?  Give the date and simply say "Dresses for those who will be in the wedding party must be ordered by xx/xx/xx."  If she can't handle that, which honestly is the only responsibility of the BM, then that's pretty bad.

Also, is this a lazy issue or monetary issue?  I guess I still need more details...

volleygurl0306

I think it can be perceived wrong saying "I'd still like you to attend as a guest" but you know better than us how she reacts to things.  I kinda always found that phrasing passive aggressive I guess (let's just say what you mean at that point....it is an ultimatum).  You haven't mentioned paying for your girls dresses before so did you mean that you'd have to order it for her and front the rush fee since she can't find the dress near her and then also have to wait for her to pay you back for the dress and fee?  Maybe I'm too blunt/honest/whatever but if this was one of my closest friends (typically the case for a BM) and I did all this bending over backwards for her, I would just be upfront with her and not sugar coat it.  I wouldn't even order it for her before the rush date or not.  She's a grown woman.  She can just as easily get measured and call a store near you to order over the phone as you go in.  I think you should call her and explain everything you've done to make this easy on her and this is the deadline and it isn't flexible.  Leave it on her from there because if it is this difficult to get her to order, you are never going to see the money back if you front the cost. 

Sorry if this is harsh.  It is probably totally stemming from my vent the other day about my BM who likes to act like she isn't 24 years old and capable of figuring things out.  But I think if you are grown enough to commit to being a BM, you are grown enough to order your own dress if the bride has been totally reason about it (which you've been above and beyond reasonable).

CowgirlK39

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_calling-the-bm-tonight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:669128d4-ea6d-464f-8a9a-f48a95eb61bdPost:3a4cbe4b-41d8-4a7a-b39b-cf0e49620f38">Re: Calling the BM tonight</a>:
[QUOTE]Without knowing details I would say that you need to be incredibly FIRM with this BM.  I was with mine to ensure that they knew I meant business about ordering their dresses.  They got them all by mid-April because I wanted to make sure that nothing bad happened.  Also, I would stop the politeness at this point because it really hasn't gotten you anywhere with her... some people need a little fire under their ass, KWIM?  Give the date and simply say "Dresses for those who will be in the wedding party must be ordered by xx/xx/xx."  If she can't handle that, which honestly is the only responsibility of the BM, then that's pretty bad. Also, is this a lazy issue or monetary issue?  I guess I still need more details...
Posted by lbarr088[/QUOTE]

Basically, the history is that MOH and I picked a dress we loved. Sam said it was not a "fall style" even though it was comfy and affordable. So MOH went down to see her and they looked around online. MOH came back here, showed me the dress that Sam liked online, and we decided to just go with that. Other BM likes it too. So I sent out a few emails making sure we were all ok with this. MOH was ok, other BM was ok and I got nothing from Sam. So I sent a final email giving them the date to be ready to order by, and MOH informed me that Sam did not want to order till mid May, regardless of the date I gave, simply because that's what she wanted to do.

Never once has Sam told ME these things. She doesn everything through my MOH. I am NOT directly paying for the dresses, but since two girls are OOT, I will order them along with MOH's dress at the same time from a place here to avoid the dye lot issue. They are then supposed to repay me. However, this whole time I have been under the impression that Sam has at least tried the thing on, or has been aware of where to get it. I sent emails to be clear about what needed to be done when, and she still has done nothing. This is not a monetary issue. She is a Nuclear Engineer and goes on vacations all the time. She and MOH went to hawaii last week, which is why I wanted them ordered by April so it would be done before their vacation. The salon told me the absolute latest I could order them would be May 22nd. That day is approaching and she doesn't even know if she wants this dress.

ErinW1912

I have been in alot of weddings and girls have ordered their dresses from different places and times and never had the dye lot issue-(Alfred Angelo, David's Bridal, 

so I would tell her you need her measurements by May 20 b/c you are ordering the dresses that date and if she has not given them to you then she is responsible for ordering the dress whether that is over the phone or in person at a salon and she will have to pay the rush fees b/c it is not fair to the girls that are all set and ready to order to be rushed on the alteration end all b/c she will not do as you ask. I think you have been reasonable and you do not need anymore stress in your life. 

I finally had to do that with my MOH and one of my bridesmaids b/c they are determined to loose weight but need to order their dresses (I asked to have them ordered by end of April to be on the safe side 2 BM did so but one BM and MOH did not and when I asked last week both had not ordered, one is doing it today and the MOH said she is doing next week so we will see. I told them it is getting crunch time and you are probably going to have to pay rush fees and alterations timeframe are now going to be tighter at the end).

jjswin

I agree with BMcLeodTeam. If she can't take 10 mins from her day to get measured and order a dress then your wedding is not important to her and she should not have the honor of being involved.