religion woes

mamameech

FI and I attended his cousin's wedding on Saturday in a tiny little town in Quebec (the family that supplied us with the maple syrup). The church was literally a room... it had about a dozen pews and an altar, but it was just a square box built in like 1700 lol. It was quaint and totally "farm" which I found very endearing despite the uncomfortable heat.It was all going well until the Pastor started talking... and oh boy did I want to get out of there. He really reinforced all my concerns about having a church wedding and I am soooo worried that anything even remotely close to what was said at their ceremony will be repeated at ours (it's the same denomination).The Pastor started talking about love and how so many people today don't know what love is... like "the gays"... I grew up catholic and I know the views of the church on all that but to actually start talking about how "wrong" it is and bashing "gay love" during a wedding ceremony was just so appalling to me. Then, he followed that by "I may offend some people by saying this..." - which I found kind of amusing and intriguing after his previous speech - "If you do not attend church together every Sunday, you're marriage is doomed." He went on about that for a bit and then asked if anyone in the church was offended... Oh boy it took everything in me to keep my hand down; I just nudged FI instead lol.I do feel that FI's Pastor is a bit more with the times but it definitely worries me... I don't want anything even close to that being said during our ceremony.

kellycatalo

Did you guys get to pick your pastor/officiant? I think that really makes the difference, more than the denomination. I am catholic and have attended catholic masses all my life. some of the priests we have are awesome, some are terrible. I didn't have my wedding at my childhood church because the priest there is so awful and close-minded, and they wouldn't let me bring in anyone else.

instead, i'm having it at a different church, and bringing in my college priest who is AWESOME and so with the times. he does the college masses so he appeals more to people my age (i graduated 2 years ago). he's really with it and cool and a majority of the reason that i continued going to church during college.

i think if you get the right person, you shouldn't have to worry.

volleygurl0306

I am totally with you on that NOT being okay.  I too was raised Catholic but have not been okay with going to Catholic church because I am sooo over people (especially Christians) using religion as a way to tell other people how to live.  Just yesterday I told FI how I want to be Christian but want to find a church that is about "be nice to people" not "be nice to people as long as they think exactly like you."  I think this gives you a perfect time to speak up.  I would flip my lid if those hateful things were said at my wedding.  I think you should sit down with FI first then FI and your pastor and say "You will not bring up gays, you will not bring up divorce, you will not say church is the only way to succeed in marriage."  Demand what you want!  We've all heard the saying "a family that prays together, stays together" and thats a nicer way of saying doomed.  It is perfectly reasonable for a pastor to say God can help your marriage as that is the tone a church wedding sets.  You can seek God for strength in your marriage, etc etc.  But, dooming you is unnecessary.  Tell the pastor you want it positive and upbeat.

Don't know if you are a Sex and the City fan but if you are this reminds me of when Miranda and Steve went to baptize Brady and Miranda said they couldn't talk about the devil or hell or eternal damnation....at a Catholic baptism!  It was great. 

But in all seriousness it is your wedding and I know that it isn't 100% your beliefs so i think it is more than a fair compromise to leave out the judging of others.

Sarah&Eric2012

I can understand your concerns.  I would feel the same way.  Is there a way to express your feelings to your minister before the ceremony so that he won't go down that road at your wedding?

I feel the same way when I attend the church that my family in Northern Maine goes to.  The minister there has a way of making me feel very uncomfortable and very judged when I'm listening to his sermons.  FI and I pretty much try to plan our trips to avoid Sundays for that reason. 

mamameech

I have asked to sit with the Pastor a couple times to chat about my concerns but he has yet to get back to me. I also asked 3 times about the portion of the ceremony where I'd like to include my son but no response to that either. It's getting really frustrating. I think it's time for FI to contact him; it's his church so maybe they'll get back to him faster.

BMcLeodTeam

You definitely need to speak with the Pastor to discuss what is going to happen as far as what he's saying. We're bringing our Pastor with us on a 7-8 hr trip to our DW just because I know I'm going to feel more comfortable with him doing it than anyone else that I don't know.

AriesAngel86

I totally get your concerns...that would be a huge turn off for me as well! What does you fiance say about his pastor's style?

ErinW1912

I would go nuts if someone mentioned that and my BM would punch the pastor if gays are mentioned. I would definently sit down and talk with pastor and have him go over what he plans in saying at the ceremony. 

volleygurl-try out different churches different denominations are more welcoming then others. I go to a different church then my parents and have since I was a jr. in high school and the youth pastor at my parents church told me I was going to hell for going to college in Vegas. Uncle and father being decons and on board of church had him fired for saying that but still did not feel comfortable attending their church and went and attending a different church. I would look at evangelical churches and non denominational churches. The important thing to remember is you probably will not agree with everything a church believes in-I never have and probably never will. If I can agree and believe in pretty much everything and it fits great then I attend there if not then I do not. I do not deal well with pushy pastors and ppl that try to push their beliefs on me. 

CowgirlK39

It 100% depends on the priest and the congregation. Some are way more serious than others. We thought my cousin's wedding this weekend was going to be a hit-you-over-the-head preachin' session, but it was actually really fun. I was disappointed that we could not get a Fransican Friar to perform our wedding because of catholic rules. I really wanted that aspect in our wedding but it was forbidden for a number of reasons.

However, the priest that my grandparents were close with told us this joke at my grandma's funeral:

A catholic priest was holding his usual sunday service, but on this day, there was a famous supermodel in attendance. It was time to give communion and the priest handed pieces to each person, repeating 'The body of Christ." The super model walked up, the priest took one look and blurted out "CHRIST! What a body!!!"

So, it really does depend on the officiant :P

mtnbrooke7

Oh my gosh, I would have had a REALLY hard time not saying something when he asked if he offended anyone!!  A wedding is really not the appropriate place to preach about things like that to a group of people that you have no idea of their beliefs.  I hope the bride and groom weren't offended, sheesh!  FI and I are not religious at all, so I think if the person marrying us even tries to do a prayer, FI would be pissed. lol  So we're planning on writing out our ceremony, then going over it with the officiant to make sure we're all on the same page about what we want. 

Sarah&Eric2012

One of the first weeks that FI and I started attending my church (I had left for a period because I didn't like the minister and they'd just hired a new minister) the minister gave a speech about how he wasn't going to shove anything down anyone's throats.  He said that our denomination (Congregationalism) is about people being able to discover the Bible and their beliefs on their own and be supportive of each other in the process.  That sealed it for me.  My mother, however, couldn't wait to get out of there.  She's of the "gays are sinners, persecute them" mindset and we don't talk about religion or politics because it always turns into a battle.

SCogs18

OMG that is just awful!  FI and I met with our minister a few weeks ago at a fast food place (his new church is really far away) and we reiterated several times that no one was to be made uncomfortable or like a sinner at our wedding.  We have gay family and friends.  We were approached by a gay woman who was apairently there eating with her wife and their three children.  She said how thankful she was that we would think of that for our wedding.  I was touched and honored.

Stick to your guns!