"Adults Only"? Is it rude?

jwatts2

My wedding is next September and is out of town for both sides of our families. For a variety of reasons, my fiancee and I decided we wanted "adults only" for the ceremony and reception. Due to budget concerns (my family is HUGE, inviting my cousins children would honestly add another 41 people to the menu. My location does not offer a childrens menu either), and the fact that my cousins do not watch their children and I do not want them running all over (I remember their weddings, what a nightmare!) we felt it would be best to have adults only.

Someone please tell me if this is rude? And also the best way to word it on the invitations??

Thank you, this is my first post!

Jodi

tldh

It's difficult to do adults only for OOT weddings because now you're talking about guests having to find childcare for a few days. 

All but two of our guests are coming in from OOT and we're being married in a historic home that does not allow children - it's actually in the contract we signed.

The same day the STDs went out, we e.mailed anyone invited who had a kid and let them know about this.  We didn't want them booking airline tickets if it was going to be a problem.  We didn't have any problems; all of them said grams and gramps were on standby.  One friend who will have a two month old told me that she still had friends in Philly who would watch her newest little one and the other two.  From what I've seen on these boards though, my situation is the rare one.

SaraAndrew2010

It's not rude to have an adult reception.   However, you have to be prepared that some OOT guests will choose note to attend since it makes child care arrangements difficult for them.

There is no polite way to explicitly say it on the invites.  Do not put "Adult Reception"  or "Adults Only" on the invitation.  Address the invitiation only to those invited.  So Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, not The Smith Family.  If guests RSVP with their children (or other uninvited addittions), simply call them up and say "I'm sorry for any confusion, but the invitation was intended for you and Mr. Smith.  We are unable to accomodate little Johnny and Suzy.  I hope you are still able to attend."

banana468

Ditto SaraAndrew.

It's not rude to have an adult reception.  It is rude to state, "Adult Reception" or "No children please" or anything along those lines on the invitation.

Just address the invitation to those in the family you wish to invite.

That said, if you have a website and a lot of OOT guests, I'd do things to make it clear.  For example, BIL and SIL had a link on their website about how they were providing childcare during the reception for guests who were traveling with children and a child's meal would be provided downstairs.

If you're not doing that, you could say things like, "For our OOT guests, if you need a babysitter on wedding day, please contact the following people who can put you in touch with some great local babysitters."

And if people ask if their children are invited or they make comments about how their 4 yo daughter can't wait to see you in your dress, just be honest and nice about it.

lilmizdncnqueen

I agree with the last 2 posts. My wedding/reception is also Adults Only - I didn't list it on the invite itself, but I did address it only to who was invited & I also put the invited people on the RSVP

ie: Jane Doe    accepts   declines

& they can circle & send it back. I figured it could help with the confusion of children not being invited. I also put it on my wedding website so that my guests would know ahead of time. If some fall through the cracks & still RSVP that their children will be coming, we'll have to make that dreaded phone call. But stand by your decision, don't let anyone guilt you into anything you don't want - it's your day!

aerinpegadrak

An invitation should never mention who is being excluded.  Writing "Adults only" would be the same as writing "No gingers." 

We did an adult-only destination wedding, and no one declined due to childcare issues.  This was probably because 1) the wedding was in Vegas, so people were less inclined to bring children even had they been welcome, 2) the two infants in the family were the exceptions, and 3) it was relatively easy for the parents of older children to leave them with relatives; for instance, my brother's stepdaughters just spent the weekend with their bio-dad.

Lisa8888

Nothing wrong with adults only. Agree with above comments about not saying no kids on invite.

ncanduci

I beg to differ with ppl saying not to put "adult reception" on invites and just addressing them to Mr. & Mrs. If you don't make it known that it is adult only from the door it can't lead to an akward situation/conversation with responding guests if they take to upon themselves to add chlidren's names to the rsvp cards (believe me it happens much more that you would expect).
If it is an Adult Reception put it on the invitations your guests not have any problem with you being honest and up front with them and if they do...s**t on them.

ingstadgirl

We too thought that we only wanted adults however I started to think about the beauty that children can bring to such a happy event and have decided to have them come to the ceremony and have babysitters come after the ceremony with Happy Meals while the parents come to the reception.  This cuts the dinner expense and adds to the adult experience.  

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_adults-only-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:0472c79f-b4f2-4892-8870-d28764ed667cPost:f1732818-8faa-48e7-950d-0fd7b92cff48">Re: "Adults Only"? Is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]I beg to differ with ppl saying not to put "adult reception" on invites and just addressing them to Mr. & Mrs. If you don't make it known that it is adult only from the door it can't lead to an akward situation/conversation with responding guests if they take to upon themselves to add chlidren's names to the rsvp cards (believe me it happens much more that you would expect). If it is an Adult Reception put it on the invitations your guests not have any problem with you being honest and up front with them and if they do...s**t on them.
Posted by ncanduci[/QUOTE]

That's a really bad attitude to have.

You don't assume that your guests don't understand how to read in advance.  Address the envelope appropriately and if you have to go back to have the awkward conversation, it's awkward for the guests since THEY made the mistake - rather than you making the error in a rude invitation.

aerinpegadrak

Being rude because it makes life easier for you is still being rude.  People RSVP with extra adult guests too, so writing something exclusionary on the invitation isn't necessarily going to avoid awkward conversations.  And honestly, if you don't have the balls to tell someone, "I'm sorry, but our space is limited and we can only accommodate the people whose names are on the envelope," I'd question if you have the maturity to get married.  It's not that hard.

jwatts2

Thanks for the help everyone. After reading everyone's thoughts, I think it's best to not include adults only on the invitations and only address the invitation to the adults. My family is relatively close knit so word-of-mouth will help and I think they will be understanding. Thanks again!

belgirl

The proper etiquete is to say 'Adults Only Ceremony and Reception' on the reply card only and not the invitation. 

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_adults-only-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:0472c79f-b4f2-4892-8870-d28764ed667cPost:a381e473-f5c2-428e-a601-5183b3292289">Re: "Adults Only"? Is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]The proper etiquete is to say 'Adults Only Ceremony and Reception' on the reply card only and not the invitation.  :)
Posted by belgirl[/QUOTE]


Did you bother to read above?  You are definitely mistaken in your etiquette here.

belgirl

Uh yes, I read, and from doing research, putting exclusions on the invite is considered inappropriate; however on the reply card its acceptable as long as you put "Adults Only Ceremony and Reception" .  Addressing the invite with adult names only is also acceptable.  Your rudeness Is really not necessary

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_adults-only-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:0472c79f-b4f2-4892-8870-d28764ed667cPost:944bd4bc-a299-4b16-a0db-921a920422df">Re: "Adults Only"? Is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]Uh yes, I read, and from doing research, putting exclusions on the invite is considered inappropriate; however on the reply card its acceptable as long as you put "Adults only Ceremony and Reception" .  Addressing the invite with adult names only is also acceptable.  Your rudeness Is really not necessary
Posted by belgirl[/QUOTE]

I'm not being rude.  I was just surprised that you are stating something that isn't correct.

You should not indicate "adults only" anywhere within the contents of the invitation.  I'm not sure where you found that information.  It's incorrect.

belgirl

Actually I think I only put "Adult Ceremony and Reception" on the reply card.  There are numerous invite websites and etiquette experts who say this is acceptable.  Not sure where you got your information from. 

http://www.superweddings.com/interview_ocalastarbanner_1201.html
http://www.beau-coup.com/wedding-invitations-etiquette-proper-wording.htm
http://www.a-wedding-reception.com/wedding-reception-etiquette.html

banana468

Those aren't exactly great sources on etiquette.  It is unfortunate as the paper won't refuse ink. 

Linda Kevich is off her rocker on quite a few points.

Beau Coup misses other wording issues.

And I have no idea what the other reception etiquette site is.  It's off on the adult's only portion at least.

However I can understand why people think it's OK if it's out there.

When in doubt, go to established sources like Crane's.