How to not include children?

shortee426

This is giving me a headache.  What is with all these first-time posters coming here just to give terrible advice?

khayladoll

On the back of our save the dates by the hotel information we're writing that our reception is reserved for adults only. That way everyone knows right from the start & it avoids having to deal with it later on when it is closer to the wedding. I feel if people are upset about that, then don't come. If we included kids it would add about 100 to our guest list, and how do you include some kids and not all. Adults only just works best for us.

aerinpegadrak

We probably got included in that stupid email, that usually brings the newbs out of the woodwork.

It doesn't matter if YOU wouldn't be offended by the words "adults only" or "adult reception" on an invitation.  Someone will, that's why etiquette says not to use it.  Someone might not be offended personally by racist jokes, that doesn't make them any less offensive.  Besides, "adult" as an adjective usually refers to activity that is illicit or pornographic in nature.  Do you really want that implication about your wedding?

Yeah, part of hosting any sort of party, wedding included, is contacting those gauche enough to RSVP for people who clearly weren't invited and politely correct their misunderstanding.  It sucks, but that's part of life.  Don't be rude just to try and make things more convenient for yourself.

DCTheatreLover

We're having an adults only reception because our venue wouldn't be very safe for kids.  We just mention it on our website-- the only people with kids will be web savvy enough to find it.  As for the people who do it anyway...

what do you do when a 5 year old shows up with Mr. and Mrs. Obstinate?  It seems so rude to call attention to it... but unsafe for him to stay.  Suggestions?

khayladoll

Well Ms "post master" who do you think you are to criticize someone for stating their opinion on a blog? Saying, "I'm sick of first time posters giving terrible advice" You're giving me a headache by being so rude. Get a clue & then get over yourself.

shortee426

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:0c4328b3-3b48-4982-96e2-fe8f2d87ea48">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well Ms "post master" who do you think you are to criticize someone for stating their opinion on a blog? Saying, "I'm sick of first time posters giving terrible advice" You're giving me a headache by being so rude. Get a clue & then get over yourself.
Posted by khayladoll[/QUOTE]

<div>a) This is a forum, not a blog.  Learn the difference.</div><div>b) I have a clue, which is why I advised people to do the correct thing, according to etiquette, and NOT put "adults only" on their invites, RSVPs, etc.</div><div>c) I'm not under myself, so how can I get over myself?</div><div>d) I didn't criticize anyone.  I just said their advice was terrible.  Cause it was.  It was not an insult to who they are as a person.</div>

kseedorff

Guests who get nasty and upset because their kids are not invited, are beyond me.  I am trying to do the same thing with my guest list.  If everyone I knew brought their kids, we'd have 100 kids and a couple thousand dollars added to our expenses.  That's so very expensive for all of the people who are too young to ever remember attending.  Also, there is absolutely nothing for children to do at a wedding.  They see the adults act goofy, and in turn, they get goofy. 
My question is:  How do you nicely not include guests' children, but still invite family members who are children?  Do I exclude the flower girl too?
This should not seem so taboo to people.  It's too expensive and it's unneccessary!  If they only knew...

ayannauriel1

I got an email with this forum post from the website like they knew exactly what I was thinking, since we were just struggling with this subject. I certainly appreciate reading everyone's opinion (no matter how many times you've wanted to share your thoughts on this site). Now, I have a ton of different ways to word our recepetion invitations, but I do have an additional question.

We're getting married in Canada (we live in Denver) and will be having a seperate reception at home after we get home from Canada. I'm openly inviting all of my friends and family who are invited to the reception to the ceremony as well (if anyone wants to travel) the only problem we're running into is these kids. Both his brother and my sister have children, his brother's wife has two children that are not his. My sister is planning on travelling to Canada with us and my neice was going to be my flower girl, but we had no place for his brother's children (biological or not) in our wedding. We're afraid that if his brother and sister-in-law decide to come with us to Canada they may be 'offended' that my neice was invited and their brood was not. However, I'm very close with my sister, and my fiance and his brother are not close at all, he found out about their marriage after seeing the certificate. But I do know very strongly that I do not want children running around screaming at my reception after watching that go on at my future in-laws reception, it was horrid. So my qustion is, do I tell my sister to leave her neice with a baby-sitter for the reception, even though she was in the wedding? Do I kick out my flower girl or do I just risk offending the not-so-close brother and sister-in-law?

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:0c4328b3-3b48-4982-96e2-fe8f2d87ea48">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well Ms "post master" who do you think you are to criticize someone for stating their opinion on a blog? Saying, "I'm sick of first time posters giving terrible advice" You're giving me a headache by being so rude. Get a clue & then get over yourself.
Posted by khayladoll[/QUOTE]
This is not a blog, it's an open message board.  If you don't know the difference between the two, you shouldn't use either.

shortee426

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:f7bcef46-cfec-472e-bc67-670cee8131f7">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
[QUOTE]Guests who get nasty and upset because their kids are not invited, are beyond me.  I am trying to do the same thing with my guest list.  If everyone I knew brought their kids, we'd have 100 kids and a couple thousand dollars added to our expenses.  That's so very expensive for all of the people who are too young to ever remember attending.  Also, there is absolutely nothing for children to do at a wedding.  They see the adults act goofy, and in turn, they get goofy.  <strong>My question is:  How do you nicely not include guests' children, but still invite family members who are children?  Do I exclude the flower girl too?</strong> This should not seem so taboo to people.  It's too expensive and it's unneccessary!  If they only knew...
Posted by kseedorff[/QUOTE]

<div>You simply pick a cut-off and stick with it.  Some people use age as a cut off (for example, we are inviting no one under the age of 18).  Others use relation (first cousins only).  Do not exclude FG or RB from the reception.  If someone asks you why FG is there when their child was excluded, nicely point out that she is in the WP and it would be inappropriate to not allow her at the reception.  Our FG and RB (who are J's niece and nephew) will be the only children at our wedding.</div>

juliec413

We're having the same problem. I went with the etiquette and omitted the "adults only" phrase from the invitations, and we allowed guests to fill in their names themselves. I know, risky. However, we gave some very strong messages in the process: first, it's an evening wedding ceremony and reception. Second, the outer envelopes were addressed to just the adults. Third, I wrote out all the inner envelopes to just the adults. We could have gone further to make the point, but I figured that hey, 95% of these people are married, and the rest have at least been to a wedding. As such, they should be able to tell exactly who is invited, and appreciate the implications on us (and the budget) of adding their own extra people. We're been mostly lucky-like others said, most parents are very happy about a night out without the kids. Some have gotten the polite phone call. We've done the best we can to help people--out-of-town guests with children less than a year old have a room with a sitter upstairs in the hotel. I've also noted on the website that we're happy to help them find a local sitter. Anyways, wedding's coming up. I'm really worried that people that didn't mention children at all will just show up with them anyway, and the last thing I want to do is have the awkward, rude conversation of "hey, why did I have to drop $100 to get a sitter when so and so just showed up with their kids?" Ugh. In the end, good advice. I'd recommend omitting "adults only" on the invitation, but go with the individualized response card. Keep tabs on who has children, and try to head that one off in advance if you can (politely). No exceptions. Make the calls yourself or with the help of MOB or MOG, depending on if they're family and who they're closer to. Make it clear on the website, and make sure the guests all know about the website (we did enclosure cards). It's your wedding, so while it's not an excuse to be rude, it is a time when you make your own guest list. It's your party, after all.

Cottage_Couture

We are having a flower girl (3 years old) but no kids at our wedding. I think our friends and family will understand why there is one 3 year old (and possibly a ring bearer) there and no other kids since they're part of the wedding party.

On another note, I completely disagree that it's rude to specify an 'adult only' event. I believe since you know your guests well, you should know if they will get offended by this or not, so you can make the decision to include that based on your guests. *Usually* people are so happy to attend a wedding, they won't get bitchy about how you word it. I had this issue awhile ago when I was asking how to specify a dress code. One poster said to me that it was rude to state 'semi-formal attire' whereas on other sites it says it's completely normal. My advice is say whatever the...you know what...you want and who cares about other people. There's no way you're going to get through the whole planning process without at least pissing off one person, so don't sweat it and just worry about doing what you want!

I didn't mean this to start a battle again, I just wanted to say my opinion . Best of luck everyone in their planning!

jleigh80

I am a little shocked that being a "newbie" and posting your opinion is somehow a bad thing...I thought that everyone giving their opinion and swapping ideas was what this site is all about. I guess that's not the case and only the opinions of the "seasoned veterans" are what matter.

Hate to break it to you that no matter how many message boards you write on, it does NOT make you the authority on this (or any subject).

jleigh80

also just have to add that I doubt that I will EVER reach the apparant level of enlightenment by way of posting over 1000 messages on here, especially if the "regulars" have such an attitude problem. No wonder I never read or write on these message boards, you are always going to have someone who's going to make you wish you hadnt.

Skylagroth

This is such great information everyone! My groom and I are having the wedding and reception at a wine vineyard along a river and the reception is outside. Although we will have children in our wedding party, as for afterwards we find it a safety hazard for the children to be so near a flowing river and acres of land/ vineyard. The "our venue's restrictions cannot accomodate children under 10 years of age" is exactly what we were discussing when we scrolled down and read it. Not only do we want the children to be safe and keep the vineyard intact (we all know how little hands LOVE to grab things-GRAPES ah!), we want our experience to be about our love for each other and to celebrate other couple's  successful marriages. My groom's family is verrry large, and has lots of children under 10, but lets hope everyone understands because it's OUR day<3

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:0f476a42-85f6-43e6-ab8f-cc717b6017af">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
[QUOTE]This is such great information everyone! My groom and I are having the wedding and reception at a wine vineyard along a river and the reception is outside. Although we will have children in our wedding party, as for afterwards we find it a safety hazard for the children to be so near a flowing river and acres of land/ vineyard. <strong>The "our venue's restrictions cannot accomodate children under 10 years of age" is exactly what we were discussing when we scrolled down and read it.</strong> Not only do we want the children to be safe and keep the vineyard intact (we all know how little hands LOVE to grab things-GRAPES ah!), we want our experience to be about our love for each other and to celebrate other couple's  successful marriages. My groom's family is verrry large, and has lots of children under 10, but lets hope everyone understands <strong>because it's OUR da</strong>y<3
Posted by Skylagroth[/QUOTE]

First bolded part:  Saying that the venue's restrictions....blah blah blah.....is fine IF the venue does impose restrictions.  But if they don't, then you're lying to your guests by blaming your decision on the venue. 

What's to keep people from hearing via the grapevine, other folks who have been at this venue, the venue's website, that there are NOT restrictions about children in their facility?

I think it's better to be honest and simply let people know that your wedding guests won't include children.

You address the invite to the people invited.  If people respond with their kids on the reply card, you call them up.  "Hello Homer?  I'm sorry that there seems to have been a misunderstanding.  The invitation to our wedding was for you and Marge.  We are not including children, so we will not be able to accommodate Bart, Lisa, and Maggie.  What's that?  You won't come without the kids?  I'm so sorry to hear that.  You'll be missed, but we'll be sure to get together when we get back from our honeymoon."

I'm also not a fan of the "2 seats reserved in your honor" thing.  That leaves the door open.  Suppose Marge gets sick.  Homer knows that you've "reserved 2 seats" for him, so he says "Let's go, Bart!  Mom can't make it, but they've reserved 2 seats for us."

Your best bet, beyond addressing the envelope is filling out the response cards in advance of sending the invitations:
Mr. Homer Simpson   _____will    ____will not attend
Mrs. Marge Simpson  _____ will   ____ will not attend

Makes it crystal clear who is invited and who isn't.

As for the last bolded part:  it ceases to be just YOUR day when you include anyone else as your guest.  Please stop saying "It's OUR day".

shortee426

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:1eb84c44-23d3-4c16-b7d0-8b7d2cb08b8c">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
[QUOTE]also just have to add that I doubt that I will EVER reach the apparant level of enlightenment by way of posting over 1000 messages on here, especially if the "regulars" have such an attitude problem. No wonder I never read or write on these message boards, you are always going to have someone who's going to make you wish you hadnt.
Posted by jleigh80[/QUOTE]

<div>If someone isn't going to post on these boards again because the "regulars" didn't validate their bad ideas, then that person has much bigger issues.</div><div>
</div><div>OP asked the appropriate way to not include children.  People answered and she was satisfied.  Then people decided to reopen the thread weeks later, and give bad advice in doing so.  I'm not going to tell someone their idea is awesome when it flat out is breaking etiquette.</div><div>
</div><div>Also, as someone who is new this is the first time you are reading this question.  As someone who has been posting here awhile, this is a question that has been read and answered MANY times.  So while I do not consider myself to be "enlightened" I do think I have reached a level of knowledge where I can advise people as to how to correctly inform their guests that children are not welcome.</div><div>
</div><div>But please, feel free to tell us "regulars" how terrible we are.  If you want, I can send you a copy of Emily Post and you can break all the etiquette rules in it while you're at it.</div>

ckny54

I totally disagree. The original poster wants to make sure that people don't assume that kids are welcome. You need to be frank. Adults Only Please will do the trick....that's what I'm doing on mine.

Even if you address it to just the parents, inevitably there will be certain people in your lives that will take a "well that doesn't apply to me" stance. 

ckny54

but what's to stop them from bringing the kids anyway even if they couldn't write their names in? 

ckny54

geezzzzzzz.....you were included in that stupid email...but it is so bad to have newbies commenting? or is this a "old girl's club?"

ckny54

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:b3d38f1c-8356-437f-a550-d847a229d923">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
[QUOTE]This is giving me a headache.  What is with all these first-time posters coming here just to give terrible advice?
Posted by shortee426[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">geezzzzzzz.....you were included in that stupid email...but it is so bad to have newbies commenting? or is this a "old girl's club?"</span></div>

ckny54

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:524d7b93-6fe1-4266-8ed5-422a91166aba">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to not include children? : People are entitled to their opinions. However, what is being debated here is not opinion, it's etiquette.  I never claimed to be the authority on this (or any subject).  However, Emily Post has been dubbed the authority on this and she will say the same thing.
Posted by shortee426[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>RE: invitation language.It's what you feel comfortable with. It's your wedding...not Emily Post's.</div>

banana468

Please understand that etiquette is like religion. You can debate whether your faith is correct but you can't debate the fine parameters of the faith that are stated in writing. Likewise, you can agree or disagree with proper etiquette but that does not mean that you can simply choose to do what you desire and call it appropriate. Remember that once you choose to involve others, it stops being about just what you want. Etiquette exists as way to treat people so they do not get offended. You can go against this social law but understand that if you do so, you do risk offending others in the process. To those who are new and advocating writing "Adults Only" or a variation thereof, please don't do this. It's inappropriate etiquette and as a result, many will find it rude. Address the envelopes to those you wish to invite only. If you want to be more explicit, write out response cards so the guest checks just 'accepts' or 'declines' after his or her name. Please never indicate who is excluded. Finally, the reasoning that it's YOUR day will never hold water. It's incorrect and far too egocentric to even think of being appropriate.

LaurenLain

Ok, so if you are planning on have a kid free wedding but you still want to have a flower girl and a ring barer, do you just make the exception for those two kids? And what if they have siblings? Thanks!

shortee426

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:5cdca791-51d2-40e0-b4f6-24e72209dbdd">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to not include children? : RE: invitation language.It's what you feel comfortable with. It's your wedding...not Emily Post's.
Posted by ckny54[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, it is my wedding and not Emily Post's.  However, what makes me comfortable is NOT offending my guests.  I thought that would be the thing that would make most hosts comfortable, but perhaps I am incorrect.</div>

arcticboolie

I just went through the same dillemma and here's what I came up with:
According to wedding etiquette, only the names of people who are invited should be on the invitation; however, MANY people aren't up on etiquette and then make assumptions about bringing kids or dates.
So what I've done is:
- Made the ceremony start in the early evening and the reception is at night after that.
- I booked the wedding in a hotel, so that couples can take turns looking after their kids in the hotel room, without missing too much of the party.
- And I have specified for the RSVP and Guest information that if people require babysitting, they should let me know. I will be hiring some babysitters that my family members know and trust, so that if both parents want to be at the party, the babysitter can be in the hotel room with the kids, but the parents can check in periodically if they want to, This was the solution for out of town guests. For those who are in town, they have 5 months to find a babysitter.

hope this helps.  If all else fails, be clear and be consistent. If people don't want to come because of your choice and wishes, that is their issue and not yours.

TBtoTH

I also want to prevent children from attending my wedding and reception

to be specific, I don't want kids 12 and under to come

so even though the invite is addressed to two people, if they have teenagers, their teens could come

how do you get around this?

do I list the names of their teens too?

e.g. Mr. Jones will attend __  Mrs. Jones will attend __ Jill Jones will attend ___ (Jill is their 15 year old daughter)

banana468

You'd only list a couple's teenagers on the inner envelope (or on the outer if you gave no inner). They may be upset that the nuclear family is not all included but IMO if you pick a cutoff and stick to it, you at least gave that "rule" under your belt. And ditto with the FG and the RB. If you say , "Oh the only children attending are those in the WP," if people question, you have a hard rule.

TBtoTH

 
thank you!

rachelt00

Etiquette books also tell to never pass the salt at a table without the pepper, and that, upon completion of eating, one should place their fork upside down in the four o'clock position.  I'll bet not one of us ever thought someone was rude for not following this.  As long as you explain things to your guests politely, clarifying 'adults only affair' on some insert (maybe not the actual invitation), is not going to offend any sane people.  My friends who are married basically told me that the 'we have reserved ____ seats in your honor' is not clear enough, so I added an insert about the reception to my envelope.