Wedding Invitations & Paper

How to not include children?

13

Re: How to not include children?

  • My point being: just breathe and relax, at the end of the day, you will be married!

  • Love the idea of putting the specific names on the response cards...but his niece got married last summer and did that, and 2 different family members still brought their kids!  Of course these are also family members that will be invited to our August reception.  Our wedding will be a "destination" wedding for my side of the family (over 3 hours drive), and have already been told by my cousin he wont be attending if he cant bring his 3 children. 

  • PP, the fork and knife rule exists do a hostess knows when to clear a plate so s/he knows when a guest has completed the meal. Not doing this isn't awful but it can lead to a hostess opting not to clear the table so as not to offend the guest. And I know saying x seats reserved can backfire. That's why you need to actually write out the names if those invited so guests just check accepts or declines next to their names that you specifically write out on the response cards. Its tine consuming but if you want to be appropriate, THAT is the way to be extra clear. Stating who you intend to exclude never was nir us appropriate no matter how much you'd like to claim it may be. And if a guest states that he's bringing an uninvited child or not attending say, "Oh it's an adult event but if you can't leave little Fuss Pot let's make plans to get together when we get back from the honeymoon. There's nothing wrong with clarifying things for those who are daft. There IS something wrong with assuming that people lack intelligence in the first place. Again, these aren't debatable things. You can opt not to follow proper etiquette but you can't claim that you're doing the correct thing as you break those rules of correct behavior.
  • I do not think it is weird or rude. What is rude is you address the invite to the parents and they show up with their children anyway.  Not everyone has a lot of common sense to know that an invitation address only to the adults of the home means their children can not attend. So you basically you have to dumb it down for them and say adults only. 
  • I'd also like to remind posters that it's really important to read the entire thread before responding. You may find that what you think is a natter of opinion actually isn't if you read through all posts in the thread.
  • Just a thought - and it depends on your venue - we have some friends who are coming a long way and I know they don't have any baby-sitting options, so we are hiring a baby sitter and a hotel room (the reception is in a hotel and the hotel actually helped us find a good sitter and gave us a great rate on the room). Parents can pop up and check on their kids any time and the kids can have dinner and play in the room. 
  •  Is there a way to include only immediate family's children -- nieces and nephews?  All of the potential sitters will be at the wedding...Thoughts?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:c86f4934-c748-4765-8a5a-6694d990473d">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
    [QUOTE] Is there a way to include only immediate family's children -- nieces and nephews?  All of the potential sitters will be at the wedding...Thoughts?
    Posted by jmh071978[/QUOTE]



    You can invite just the children of your siblings and that's just fine. If you makeva cutoff just stick to it.
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2010
    If your mother advised you that it's ok to indicate who you intend to exclude then she's remiss in proper etiquette. I recommend you consult established sources like Crane's. And I recommend that your mother do so as well before she makes blunders with future clients.
  • We're putting 'daycare provided' on our invites and my mom believes that people won't bring their children because they don't want to leave their kids with a person they don't know. However the person we are asking to do daycare is licensed. We'll have activities for them to do
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  • I do not plan to have children either, except for immediate family.  I saw an invitation and I plan to copy it.  It said, "Although we love the little bugs due to limited seating please refrain from bringing them."  This doesn't offend people and gets your point across.  Some people may still be offended they just need to get over it.
  • I too have the same issue, even though I have time I have been working with the wording as well. My invitation will state " Respectfully an Adult Event"  I will also make the RSVP cards more personally. So if Jane Doe has 4 people in her house and 2 are adults. Her card will will _______out of 2 people will be attending.

    Hope this helps and don't forget its your day!!!!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:bac26c6f-2988-4e15-8972-285336fd6a31">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to not include children? : All of this. One thing to be mindful of is if you choose to say "2 seats have been reserved," Mrs Smith might choose to include her son, rather than Mr. Smith if he is unable to make it.  You would be better off to either fill in the names already, or leave it blank for people to fill in themselves.
    Posted by shortee426[/QUOTE]

    Regarding the "Mrs. Smith's son" situation:
    This actually happened.  A close family friend's daughter was getting married.  Mom invited close friends The Arnolds.  The Arnolds were unable to make it, but assumed that they could send their son and his girlfriend in their place instead of simply declining.  It didn't occur to them that their son was not invited in the first place for a reason... we are all the same age and since we were 11, NEVER got along.  Mom could not very well say "Um, they were NOT invited, they may not come!"  So Chris and Kris showed up.
    Now, to add insult to injury, Daughter clearly had it in for me for no reason: she seated me at the Dump Table.... with Chris and Kris.... and all the random cousins from her father's side whom I had never met.
    SO GLAD I drove 1200 miles for that mess!!  />:(
    So every sweet with sour is tempered still that maketh it be coveted the more For easy things that may be got at will most sorts of men do set but little store. Why then should I account of little pain That endless pleasure shall unto me gain?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:31c5040b-6f39-43f1-b63a-37de63faf6fc">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I do not plan to have children either, except for immediate family.  I saw an invitation and I plan to copy it.  It said, "Although we love the little bugs due to limited seating please refrain from bringing them."  This doesn't offend people and gets your point across.  Some people may still be offended they just need to get over it.
    Posted by mehr077[/QUOTE]

    But again: is the issue REALLY limited seating, or is it that you don't want kids?  What's to stop a person from bringing their kid and telling you "Oh, he'll just sit on my lap, so we won't need an extra seat."  Or if your room really IS big enough to have fit additional seating.

    If you don't want kids there, that's fine.  it's your party after all, and you control the guest list.  But I'm simply not a fan of lying about why they're not included.

    Saying "limited seating", "budget constraints", "venue restrictions", unless there actually IS limited seating, or budget constraints, or venue restrictions is a lie.  And somehow, lies always come back to bite you.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • shortee426shortee426 member
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:31c5040b-6f39-43f1-b63a-37de63faf6fc">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I do not plan to have children either, except for immediate family.  I saw an invitation and I plan to copy it.  It said,<strong> "Although we love the little bugs due to limited seating please refrain from bringing them."</strong>  This doesn't offend people and gets your point across.  Some people may still be offended they just need to get over it.
    Posted by mehr077[/QUOTE]

    <div>No matter how you word it, it is offense and rude.  I would be more insulted by a cute little phrase/poem than I would be if you simply said "Adults Only."  It makes it look like you know what you're saying is rude and you are trying to cover it up.</div>
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  • shortee426shortee426 member
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:6e61170a-a5fa-42ed-86a6-bfccb62432d9">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I too have the same issue, even though I have time I have been working with the wording as well. My invitation will state " Respectfully an Adult Event"  I will also make the RSVP cards more personally. So if Jane Doe has 4 people in her house and 2 are adults. Her card will will _______out of 2 people will be attending. Hope this helps and don't forget<strong> its your day!!!!</strong>
    Posted by nicholsy[/QUOTE]

    <div>A) It's, not its.</div><div>
    </div><div>B) That will get you nowhere on these boards.  Once you choose to invite others, it is no longer YOUR day.</div>
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  • NEW POSTERS:  For the sake of you and your guests, please listen to what Banana, Trix, and I are saying.  DO NOT put "Adults Only" or any variation thereof on your invitation.  Also, DO NOT lie and say it is due the venue restrictions unless it really is.  Even then, I think it is better to spread that via word of mouth than actually on the invitation.

    As we have said, it is not appropriate to make note of who is not invited.  It is an etiquette rule that has been in place for quite some time and which can not be debated.

    If you are looking for suggestions on how to really get your point across that you do not want children at your wedding, then please reread this thread as some good advice has been given.

    FYI,  I am not inviting children to my wedding and I am not making it known by putting "adults only" on the invitation.  I am making it known by putting only the adults on the invitation.
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  • (intended with the best of intention)

    As a parent myself, I would prefer to be told Adult Only vs someone calling my children little bugs and please refrain from bringing them.   Like they are something to be abhored. 

    Unless there is some cute "bug" theme going on I would reconsider that line...

    Geez, I guess there really just isn't a right or wrong here.   Be blunt and it isn't proper ettiquette.  Being polite and cute may perhaps be offensive to other.  

    Best of luck with whatever you choose....  Just thought I'd let you know my thoughts if it were me....   Then again, I don't know you and this may very well fit your personality and the people who know you best may completely get where you are coming from.   Good luck.

  • We're struggling on this one a bit too due to extremely large families.  We're looking at an extremely large number of kids.  I didn't mind a few kids at the wedding, especially since my fiance has a 5year old daughter along with much younger siblings between 5-17 from both of his parents and their new marriages. 


    The part of me struggles most on this topic is not that need for an adults only reception but whereas I have first cousins that are cut out of receiving an invite if we go adults only.  Some of my younger cousins are godchildren and you can't invite one and not the other.  I then feel that it's unfair I would cut out my first cousins because they're kids and his 1st cousins are all grown up with kids of their own. (wouldn't be such a big deal if we weren't teetering on a a 275+ guest list so far and over a quarter of that are kids)

    Any suggestions with this situation?  I already know that I'm in a lose lose if I try and put other's feelings involved. Adults only, some kids, kids on one side and not the other, someone's going to get hurt and I'm going to be the one getting the earful.  I already verbally tried to set the tone that we are most likely having an adults only Wedding at Christmas and already got some negative kick back

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:c600850e-5cff-4918-a01f-c9eb1715643b">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We're putting 'daycare provided' on our invites and my mom believes that people won't bring their children because they don't want to leave their kids with a person they don't know. However the person we are asking to do daycare is licensed. We'll have activities for them to do
    Posted by knbanks1617[/QUOTE]

    It's lovely that you'll put "daycare provided" on your invites, but that doesn't at all indicate that the children CAN'T attend the wedding.  What will you do about the parent who says "Oh, no.  My little schmootzie won't go to a daycare.  He's going to come to the reception with us."

    Daycare provided sounds nice, but it doesn't clearly make the point that the children are not invited.  I think you need to be less abstruse and let people know that the daycare is mandatory if the parents bring schmootzie along.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:855929df-9f09-41eb-8bda-9a25319418cf">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We're struggling on this one a bit too due to extremely large families.  We're looking at an extremely large number of kids.  I didn't mind a few kids at the wedding, especially since my fiance has a 5year old daughter along with much younger siblings between 5-17 from both of his parents and their new marriages.  The part of me struggles most on this topic is not that need for an adults only reception but whereas I have first cousins that are cut out of receiving an invite if we go adults only.  Some of my younger cousins are godchildren and you can't invite one and not the other.  I then feel that it's unfair I would cut out my first cousins because they're kids and his 1st cousins are all grown up with kids of their own. (wouldn't be such a big deal if we weren't teetering on a a 275+ guest list so far and over a quarter of that are kids) Any suggestions with this situation?  I already know that I'm in a lose lose if I try and put other's feelings involved. Adults only, some kids, kids on one side and not the other, someone's going to get hurt and I'm going to be the one getting the earful.  I already verbally tried to set the tone that we are most likely having an adults only Wedding at Christmas and already got some negative kick back
    Posted by NicnJen01[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Just pick a cut-off and stick with it.  It sounds like for you a good cut-off would be no relations further than 1st cousin.  This would allow you to invite FI's daughter, all step-siblings, and your god children.

    </div>
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  • Saegan2001, you WERE told that your children weren't invited.

    If you shop in a store and see a sign saying, "Polo shirts 20% off" do you think, 'Well the T-Shirts must be 20%" off too".  Of course not!

    The same goes for invitations.  If the person isn't on the envelope, why would you think it's appropriate to bring them?  There aren't hidden messages here.  Name on = invited.  Name off = not invited.
  • I was wondering about this also, however, my situation is a tad different and I'm not sure how to address it. My FI and I have many many kids in our families, and we have about an 150 guest limit. We both agreed it would be better not to have kids there, but, my aunt who has 3 kids is coming from the other side of the country, my uncle who has a younger daughter is also traveling a distance, and I have many cousins who are young. I can't ask close relatives who are traveling at their own expense not to bring their kids, and although they are young, it wouldn't be right to not have my own cousins there. My problem is that I don't want guests at the wedding to see other kids there and wonder why/feel insulted that their kids weren't invited. My grandparents who are helping with the cost of the wedding seem to think it's fine to have kids on our side of the family there because they're paying when FI's family isn't helping at all, but I know that's not really fair. Does anyone have any ideas/solutions?
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  • My mom and I actually had this conversation earlier. The daycare won't be off site, there's a room perfect for the children at our reception site. We are wording it so they know it's not really an 'option' So something like "Daycare will be provided for all children 12 and under"

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:dc7af147-6389-409d-a189-c6db92986ebe">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My mom and I actually had this conversation earlier. The daycare won't be off site, there's a room perfect for the children at our reception site. We are wording it so they know it's not really an 'option' So something like "Daycare will be provided for all children 12 and under"
    Posted by knbanks1617[/QUOTE]

    You're going to put a 12 year old in "daycare"?  Be prepared for pushback and unhappiness on THAT one.  I was babysitting for other kids when I was 12.  My kids were babysitting when they were 12. 

    There is not a 12 year old on the face of the planet that's going to take well being told that they have to go to "daycare" instead of the wedding.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • I am having an adult only reception with the exception of imediate family, meaning both of our nieces and nephews will be there, but other than that, no kids. This is because the cost of kids over 8 is the same as an adult meal and we just can't afford it.   We have been proactive in telling everyone we are not inviting kids. Any time anyone asks about the wedding we explain that only imediate family are able to bring kids. I'm sure some of my friends will be upset and may not come but that is the way it is. We've told everyone so the word is out.

    I don't think writing "adult reception" is rude, but I also don't pay much attention to the etiquitte books; if someone is on my guest list, chances are they know me pretty well and would not be offended.
    I am shocked that people would think they can bring more that who is indicated on the envelope, that is unbelievably rude.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:d236dba1-a24b-4a40-8511-a81803e73419">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am having an adult only reception with the exception of imediate family, meaning both of our nieces and nephews will be there, but other than that, no kids. This is because the cost of kids over 8 is the same as an adult meal and we just can't afford it.   We have been proactive in telling everyone we are not inviting kids. Any time anyone asks about the wedding we explain that only imediate family are able to bring kids. I'm sure some of my friends will be upset and may not come but that is the way it is. We've told everyone so the word is out. I don't think writing "adult reception" is rude, but I also don't pay much attention to the etiquitte books; if someone is on my guest list, chances are they know me pretty well and would not be offended. <strong>I am shocked that people would think they can bring more that who is indicated on the envelope, that is unbelievably rude.</strong>
    Posted by claudinedejoie[/QUOTE]
    It is indeed rude, but you don't head off rudeness with more rudeness.  And again, just because you wouldn't be offended doesn't mean that other people wouldn't.  An invitation should never mention who isn't being invited.  Can you imagine taking one of those long, wordy "We're sorry we can't invite children" explanations and replacing the word "children" with, say, the words "redheads" or "Asians"?  Your guest list is your guest list so you can invite or exclude whomever you want, but making a big deal about who can't come (and any sort of text on the invitation to that effect is making it a big deal, no matter how brief or "polite") is like being the bitchy fifth grade girl who invites everyone except the nerdy girl to her birthday party, and wants to make sure that the entire class knows about it.

    Further, a phrase like "adults only" insults the intelligence of the people who CAN read an invitation and never presumed that their children were invited.  And if it isn't truly adults only, people who happily left their children with a sitter and then show up to see other kids there, even within a reasonable cutoff, are going to be much more hurt and upset than if there hadn't been any such indication of a blanket rule.

    I really don't get why this is so hard for people to understand.  You don't return rudeness with more rudeness, especially not preemptively.  We didn't invite any children except the two infants in the family, and did just the adults' names on the envelope with pre-filled RSVPs.  No one was confused or showed up with a kid anyway.  Give your guests a little bit of credit.
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  • lanejanelanejane member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2010
    I am getting married in a historic mansion, that means antiques and kids and antiques don't mix. The only children invited to my wedding are those in the wedding party and even they have to beat it after the ceremony. We're going to put them up in a hotel room with a sitter (older member of the family, probably a teenager) and get them a few pizzas and a movie. I think they would be happier with this arrangement than chicken and stuffy suits.
    I am still mulling the "adults only" thing but after getting the wonderful advice of printing the names and only giving people a yes or no option, I think it will work. Also word of mouth I think is the best policy anyway.Tthat way you can explain the whole priceless antiques thing and say, "Do you really want to pay for whatever Sally breaks?"

    There will inevitably be those people that bring their kids to avoid paying a babysitter and we have a wedding planner who can politely remind them about our policy and/or send those kids to the hotel room too.
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  • I getting marriend in two weeks and the place its all mirrors my fiancé and me decide to put in our invitation "no childrens" and put the number of guest. A lot of people get mad and they not gonna come to the wedding but its our day and we want enjoy it after all the months of hard work. theres no way to say it like it is.  Good look and congratulations.
  • I have read on several wedding websites, including an article somewhere here on TheKnot, that the proper way to let guests know that they shouldn't bring children is by writing "Adult reception" on your invitation and/or RSVP card. I don't think this is such a big deal. I agree that even writing "2 seats have been reserved in your honour" could lead to "me and my kid" RSVPs.  It is just not clear enough. Then again, we are having a wedding with close family and friends who understand that we are on a limited budget and will not get offended.
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