Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later

hailbird

Now, before anybody warns me that it's frowned upon, or that we should just wait to do an actual wedding, hear me out. (I've done a bit of research regarding this, I just want to hear opinions on my particular situation.)

My boyfriend is in the beginning stages of his military career which means he's away doing training, etc. He got his first assignment which will last between 2 and 3 years. How it works is that he must live on base where they assign him and he does everything from there. For me that means I can't be with him for those 2-3 years. Yet, he is determined that I go with him to his first base. I would love for this to happen, but logistically it just doesn't pan out. I would be living in my own apartment, working my own hours, and I would hardly get to see him or even spend time with him. I would be near him, but still alone, especially since I'll have left all my friends and family behind at home. 

The only way that I know of to make it work would be for us to be legally married. It is only then that he gets housing rights and can live on or off base with dependents. He would also get a boost in his income because he has legal dependants and housing, etc. would be paid for. 

So, that's where I'm coming from. Here's the concern. I have always dreamed of a beautiful wedding, not terribly expensive but still enough to set the magic for the occasion. Yet, if we were to get "legally" married I would be able to be with him, but that would leave VERY little time for an actual wedding (looking at today's date . . . that's about a month and a half, and I still can't see him until June. So, really, two weeks.)

Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't dream of just signing the marriage license and going from there, but it's that or we have years to wait to even be together. (Unless there's some other loophole that I don't know about.) But, logically, this would make the most sense. 

Now, I see a "wedding" after being legally married from two sides. On one hand, you're already married so why have a wedding? I can see where this would upset a lot of more traditional folks. But, on the other, where I come from, you have to have the license signed and official three days before the wedding (so you're already technically married before the ceremony). Putting it like that, you get legally married by the state and then the wedding is just a formal ceremony to celebrate the union (whether it be religious or not). 

Here I leave it to you. What do you think?

lyndausvi

In NJ you are not techinically married when you get the license.  You are married after you have the ceremony and the officiant signs the paper and files the paperwork with the state.

Is there some reason why you think your only options are to get married today and live with him or not get married for another 2-3 years?  Can he not get any time off during the next 3 years?

daria24

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_marriage-license-now-wedding-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:855579d8-8e0d-4711-813f-b57a824e20daPost:b75539ed-4d7a-4782-a4d9-4b7338ec2b00">Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later</a>:
[QUOTE]Now, before anybody warns me that it's frowned upon, or that we should just wait to do an actual wedding, hear me out. (I've done a bit of research regarding this, I just want to hear opinions on my particular situation.) My boyfriend is in the beginning stages of his military career which means he's away doing training, etc. He got his first assignment which will last between 2 and 3 years. How it works is that he must live on base where they assign him and he does everything from there. For me that means I can't be with him for those 2-3 years. Yet, he is determined that I go with him to his first base. I would love for this to happen, but logistically it just doesn't pan out. I would be living in my own apartment, working my own hours, and I would hardly get to see him or even spend time with him. I would be near him, but still alone, especially since I'll have left all my friends and family behind at home.  The only way that I know of to make it work would be for us to be legally married. It is only then that he gets housing rights and can live on or off base with dependents. He would also get a boost in his income because he has legal dependants and housing, etc. would be paid for.  So, that's where I'm coming from. Here's the concern. I have always dreamed of a beautiful wedding, not terribly expensive but still enough to set the magic for the occasion. Yet, if we were to get "legally" married I would be able to be with him, but that would leave VERY little time for an actual wedding (looking at today's date . . . that's about a month and a half, and I still can't see him until June. So, really, two weeks.) Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't dream of just signing the marriage license and going from there, but it's that or we have years to wait to even be together. (Unless there's some other loophole that I don't know about.) But, logically, this would make the most sense.  Now, I see a "wedding" after being legally married from two sides. On one hand, you're already married so why have a wedding? I can see where this would upset a lot of more traditional folks. But, on the other, where I come from, y<strong>ou have to have the license signed and official three days before the wedding (so you're already technically married before the ceremony).</strong> Putting it like that, you get legally married by the state and then the wedding is just a formal ceremony to celebrate the union (whether it be religious or not).  Here I leave it to you. What do you think?
Posted by hailbird[/QUOTE]

<div>First, as to the bolded, that is not true in the states I am familiar with. You are not legally married until you state your intent in front of an officiant and witnesses, and then you sign the paper. The Commonwealth of PA did not recognize my marriage until the day of my actual wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>Second, please lose all the "legally married" usage. You will be MARRIED. End of story. I am only "legally married" as in, I did not have a religious/sacramental marriage, but if you go ahead with your plan, you will be just as married as I am. You want to sign the paperwork and enjoy all the rights and privilages of being married, so just refer to it as a marriage OK?</div><div>
</div><div>Third, life is about choices. Sometimes our options suck. Yes, it feels unfair that you have to deal with the rules of the military and you want your picture perfect wedding. But you are choosing to make your life easier/happier now and reaping the benefits. That choice has a consequence. The consequence is you don't have your dream wedding, OR you go ahead with the giant PPD and look ridiculous in some people's eyes. </div><div>
</div><div>What would I do? It would be important to me to be able to spend my life with the person I love. That outweighs any party/vision of walking down the aisle, etc. Personally I would have the courthouse/JOP wedding, invite those closest to me and take them out to dinner afterwards. But you have the option of throwing a large anniversary party later on down the line with a DJ, meal, etc. But don't have a fake wedding, please. </div>

hailbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_marriage-license-now-wedding-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:855579d8-8e0d-4711-813f-b57a824e20daPost:96627d08-cc60-43c7-8ab2-6c54f880a260">Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later</a>:
[QUOTE]In NJ you are not techinically married when you get the license.  You are married after you have the ceremony and the officiant signs the paper and files the paperwork with the state. Is there some reason why you think your only options are to get married today and live with him or not get married for another 2-3 years?  Can he not get any time off during the next 3 years?
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>He would have leave time, but I'm going off the idea that he has decided that I'm going with him to his first assignment. Which would mean relocating for me, not having a job, a vehicle, or money at first, and it would fall to him to support me. I feel that would be a huge stress. And I personally don't see that plan working out well. The only other way I can see it working would be to become a legal dependent in the eyes of the military. 

With that said, yes, he would get time. But not a lot of time off. And I imagine if his plan to have me come with him as soon as he leaves doesn't work out, something like that would happen. It just wouldn't be ideal with the whole planning process since I would not really get a lot of time to communicate with him.</div>

lyndausvi

My gut says that you should not rush into this paper marriage.   I don't know why I feel this way.  Well I guess I do. I know too many military couples who rush into marriage to get the dependent benefits thinking it's the answer to their prayers to being able to stay together.  It often doesn't work out and just doesn't sit well with me.

hailbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_marriage-license-now-wedding-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:855579d8-8e0d-4711-813f-b57a824e20daPost:0a2f2dee-5dff-408a-8442-19222b71321a">Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Marriage License Now - /> Wedding Later : First, as to the bolded, that is not true in the states I am familiar with. You are not legally married until you state your intent in front of an officiant and witnesses, and then you sign the paper. The Commonwealth of PA did not recognize my marriage until the day of my actual wedding.  Second, please lose all the "legally married" usage. You will be MARRIED. End of story. I am only "legally married" as in, I did not have a religious/sacramental marriage, but if you go ahead with your plan, you will be just as married as I am. You want to sign the paperwork and enjoy all the rights and privilages of being married, so just refer to it as a marriage OK? Third, life is about choices. Sometimes our options suck. Yes, it feels unfair that you have to deal with the rules of the military and you want your picture perfect wedding. But you are choosing to make your life easier/happier now and reaping the benefits. That choice has a consequence. The consequence is you don't have your dream wedding, OR you go ahead with the giant PPD and look ridiculous in some people's eyes.  What would I do? It would be important to me to be able to spend my life with the person I love. That outweighs any party/vision of walking down the aisle, etc. Personally I would have the courthouse/JOP wedding, invite those closest to me and take them out to dinner afterwards. But you have the option of throwing a large anniversary party later on down the line with a DJ, meal, etc. But don't have a fake wedding, please. 
Posted by daria24[/QUOTE]

I understand the dislike for a "fake" wedding, and I can agree with it to an extent. But, I also see a wedding as more of a celebratory tradition for the occurence of a marriage. Weddings are not necessary for a marriage, we both pointed that out. They're just a formality that many (most) people like to use to celebrate and share with their families the union of two people and two families. So, really, it would be more of a ritualistic ceremony commemorating the marriage. Not announcing or making the marriage itself official (since, well, it already is).

I guess what I'm trying to do here is just sort out my thoughts on it. I would like to have a wedding regardless, to share with my friends and families. Because, as you said, married is married, but I feel many would appreciate being able to partake in something like with me, my family especially.

hailbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_marriage-license-now-wedding-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:855579d8-8e0d-4711-813f-b57a824e20daPost:768b6a9e-4c27-4af3-ab2e-cf6685a2e60a">Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later</a>:
[QUOTE]My gut says that you should not rush into this paper marriage.   I don't know why I feel this way.  Well I guess I do. I know too many military couples who rush into marriage to get the dependent benefits thinking it's the answer to their prayers to being able to stay together.  It often doesn't work out and just doesn't sit well with me.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

<div>I understand your concern. And I thank you. =) I also know that the idea is scary, but I believe the idea for marriage is scary at any point for most people. It's a huge event. But, I trust this man with my life and I know he would never do me any wrong, not if it's in his hands. So, where I might be leary with somebody else, I know we can make whatever work. I guess it's part of my philosophy on life speaking, too. You don't just find love, you work for it. And you have to have the courage to do something huge, otherwise you won't be able to do anything at all. So if it is the wrong choice, I may as well live and learn. Because, no matter if we marry fast or in time, if he's the wrong guy, then he's the wrong guy (he isn't =P but, just saying).</div><div>
</div><div>Edit: To note, I could care less about the dependent benefits. Logistically they just make more sense.</div>

bunni727

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_marriage-license-now-wedding-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:855579d8-8e0d-4711-813f-b57a824e20daPost:61c98201-826e-4fe0-b222-98088b6e4126">Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Marriage License Now - /> Wedding Later : I understand the dislike for a "fake" wedding, and I can agree with it to an extent. But, I also see a wedding as more of a celebratory tradition for the occurence of a marriage. Weddings are not necessary for a marriage, we both pointed that out. They're just a formality that many (most) people like to use to celebrate and share with their families the union of two people and two families. So, really, it would be more of a ritualistic ceremony commemorating the marriage. Not announcing or making the marriage itself official (since, well, it already is). I guess what I'm trying to do here is just sort out my thoughts on it. I would like to have a wedding regardless, to share with my friends and families. Because, as you said, married is married, but I feel many would appreciate being able to partake in something like with me, my family especially.
Posted by hailbird[/QUOTE]

I find it unsettling that he has decided you will be leaving your job, friends, and family, to be completely isolated near him.

If you want to get married now, do so. It might not be the fanciest wedding in the world, but the day you get married is your wedding day, so you should make sure you will be happy with it. If you truly want witnesses and to celebrate with loved ones, there's no reason you couldn't put together an afternoon ceremony with cake and punch in a month and a half.

To me, there are very few acceptable reasons for a fake wedding, and I don't think "my FI didn't want to wait" counts as one of them.

thekorsans

i say go with what YOU'RE comfortable with! it's nice to get ideas from people but no one will ever understand what position you're in until you're in it. I'm a Canadian marrying an American and have had to make some tough decisions. if you want to get married in a courthouse so you can live with him while he's at training, then do that and have a wedding when you can! the people that you will invite to your wedding will know the situation, they will be family and friends that love you and will understand and treat the day like your actual wedding! i support you completely!!!

lyndausvi

For me moving to a new place where I didn't know anyone and didn't have a job was scary.  NOT get married.       Getting married just so you don't have to live alone is not a good reason for me to rush into.     

The fact you call him your BF and not FI seems to me you are rushing into this because of his new assignment.   Bad reason to jump into a marriage.

[Deleted User]

Things to consider
* Just because you're married doesn't mean you'll get to live on base with him. There has to be family housing available on the base for that to happen. If there isn't housing available you'll still have to get an apartment  & not be living together since you stated he has to live on base at this time of his military career
*Just because he has a home base doesn't mean he'll be there a lot. I have several friends who were in the Navy and had assigned bases, but that didn't keep them from having to be deployed any where from 6 months to 12 months at a time. Which means, you'll be alone which sounded like a concern of yours in your OP.

hailbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_marriage-license-now-wedding-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:855579d8-8e0d-4711-813f-b57a824e20daPost:67fd3916-91d8-4161-a8ca-2c8691706efb">Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later</a>:
[QUOTE]For me moving to a new place where I didn't know anyone and didn't have a job was scary.  NOT get married.       Getting married just so you don't have to live alone is not a good reason for me to rush into.      The fact you call him your BF and not FI seems to me you are rushing into this because of his new assignment.   Bad reason to jump into a marriage.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

<div>A lot of the relationship title really depends on financial status. Before his military career he made next to no money, the same as me, so though we've been together for a while, but without the means of moving onto changing what people address us as. We're together regardless of whether he's BF, FI, or hubby.

I do feel like it is fast. And the prospect of moving actually doesn't scare me. I enjoy the idea. The only thing scaring me is the complications of the circumstances. But, I have several friends and family members who got married in a year or less and have  been happily together for years. Whereas there are others who took their time, got married after a long stint of BF/GF, and then got divorced after only being married for three years. It just depends on the people.</div>

hailbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_marriage-license-now-wedding-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:855579d8-8e0d-4711-813f-b57a824e20daPost:820c334a-72ad-4c0a-bf1d-b3a2427e2e81">Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later</a>:
[QUOTE]Things to consider * Just because you're married doesn't mean you'll get to live on base with him. There has to be family housing available on the base for that to happen. If there isn't housing available you'll still have to get an apartment  & not be living together since you stated he has to live on base at this time of his military career *Just because he has a home base doesn't mean he'll be there a lot. I have several friends who were in the Navy and had assigned bases, but that didn't keep them from having to be deployed any where from 6 months to 12 months at a time. Which means, you'll be alone which sounded like a concern of yours in your OP.
Posted by Erikan73[/QUOTE]

<div>If he has a dependent he can choose to live off base or on base. If he lives off base they give him extra pay to cover the housing. And, yes, I know with some areas of the military deployment and time is a big issue, but with what he's going into it does not look like it will be a major thing. And on almost all his deployments I would go with him. Besides a select few in dangerous areas (which his job does not deal with).

I mean, yeah, he's in the military. So I have to come to terms with the idea that I will have to suck up being away from him at times. Which isn't desirably, but I know what I'm getting in to. Just have to put on my big girl pants and carry on. But there's no reason we can't try to make it possible to have as much time together as we can. It is a big thing to consider, I'm glad you're pointing it out.</div>

hailbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_marriage-license-now-wedding-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:855579d8-8e0d-4711-813f-b57a824e20daPost:df7ead60-d8ff-4ebf-ad8b-8e58e26f84c3">Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later</a>:
[QUOTE]i say go with what YOU'RE comfortable with! it's nice to get ideas from people but no one will ever understand what position you're in until you're in it. I'm a Canadian marrying an American and have had to make some tough decisions. if you want to get married in a courthouse so you can live with him while he's at training, then do that and have a wedding when you can! the people that you will invite to your wedding will know the situation, they will be family and friends that love you and will understand and treat the day like your actual wedding! i support you completely!!!
Posted by thekorsans[/QUOTE]

<div>Thank you. It's really difficult to step into another's shoes in certain situations. I just hope some family members are as open to the idea. I would rather celebrate for them than for myself (I mean, of course I want to celebrate for myself, but all ceremonial traditions are for the benefit of those viewing it, not for those participating). </div><div>
</div><div>And, to begin, I'm a quirky somewhat nontraditional kind of girl myself. So my idea of a wedding wouldn't exactly be the picture everybody usually paints. If it really is a big deal that it not be a "fake" wedding, then I wouldn't be beyond putting a spin on it to maintain some of the ceremony (for the sake of actually having a ceremony) while addressing it as a "non-wedding celebrating a marriage that already happened." </div>

manateehugger

I'm a lurker. But I'm from St. Louis and am also marrying into military life (to someone who is just also in the early phase of his military career), so I feel like I have to chime in. 

1. Please read up on the Missouri marriage license rules; you are NOT married until the license is signed by witnesses and the officiant (and the officiant mails it back in after the ceremony). Click (here) if you two are planning on a STL county wedding for FAQ's.  

2. You would NOT be going with him on a deployment (aka he is being sent into a combat zone). You may be able to get accompanied orders to various overseas assignments AFTER you are legally married (depending on several factors: that you're registered into DEERS, can pass medical evals, the nature of his assignment). Overseas PCS does not equal deployment. It is also true that you have to be married for his PCS (moving) orders to include you. I don't think you said which service he is in, but please read up on the rules/paperwork for PCS-ing (as well as DEERS). 

3. Marrying into the military does not give you special status. EVERYONE has challenges (personal, career, family, etc.)to overcome in their relationships; you do not get around the rules because your fiance is military. Your wedding is the day you sign the license; there is no second time around.  My fiance and I are currently on year two of a three year separation because he needed to go to training, and I wanted to finish grad school. We would love to be married right now, but the big church wedding (as well as actually living together after we become husband and wife) is important to us. So we are waiting until next summer. These are the choices you have to make as an adult; decide what is most important to the both of you. 

4. The "extra money" he gets from having dependents isn't that much in the long run. Also realize that this "extra money" he'll get for living off base is designed to cover rent and other living expenses...you know, the expenses that are virtually free for on-post housing. If this money is a driving factor in your reasoning for getting married, I strongly urge you to reconsider this marriage.  

5. I know that you are nervous about leaving family, friends, home, etc. but it is important for you to realize that if he makes a career out of the military, you will be leaving all of these things every 2-3ish years. Military families move, they leave behind loved ones, they spend time apart - it's just the way of the life. You and your fiance need to have a serious conversation about whether you can handle this lifestyle  together (my fiance and I went around in circles for years before we got engaged). Find a military wife you can talk to or contact his unit's FRG and realize what your life would look like while married to him. 

vanityink

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_marriage-license-now-wedding-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:855579d8-8e0d-4711-813f-b57a824e20daPost:0df3bd1b-d269-4d4d-b4fc-ad2eb2814bc2">Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later</a>:
[QUOTE]Two things:  1.  I agree that it is odd that you refer to him as your boyfriend and not your fiance.  That is a big clue to me that this is rushing into it.<strong> 2.  Just because you have a marriage license does not mean you're married.</strong> <strong> DH & I got our marriage license 2 weeks before our wedding.  The celebrant signed the certificate side of the license after the wedding.  That's when we were truly married.</strong>
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

Same here. In DC you can get a marriage license whenever you want (it doesn't expire or anything) but you aren't married until you have an officiant sign it and say you got married with them (you don't need witnesses from what I can tell, but you definitely need a when/where you were married and who married you signature that the officiant then mails to courthouse so you're legally married). We got our marriage license in March. We weren't recognized as married until April 6th when we actually had the ceremony.

Peledreamsofrain

I feel like this is a bigger issue that marriage is the 'bandage' solution for.

OP, the facts of life about being with someone on active military duty  is that you WILL be moved away from family and friends if you are determined to live with your SO.  It's just how that life works.  It's not just the military member themself that sacrafices for the country.  Their family does too.

Marriage will not change it.  Even if it temporarily sticks a bandaid on the current situation, he will be reassigned, and you are back to square one and facing the very fear you were trying to avoid with the marriage.  Only at that point, you'll also have potentially sacraficed the wedding you always dreamed of.

That would be a very difficult situation to find oneself in.  And would very easily turn to resentment.

shaylagirl

I guess I just don't understand if you know he'll be deployed (thus gone and you'll be left alone/behind), but he'll be granted leave at some point in the future, why you can't just wait until he's on leave and plan to have your wedding then, and save like crazy until then?

That way you won't be giving up your job, and your entire emotional support system in that rough transitionary period when he's deployed.

Imagine how emotionally hard it's going to be when he's shipped off, and you're left behind WITHOUT the love and support of your friends, family and loved ones.  Here you are in a new place, completely alone.

Granted, I've no personal experience with military living (my dad was out of the AF before I was born), but, is the housing stipend really enough to cover the apartment and all the incidentals from living off-base (lights, gas, water, etc)?  So, if that stipend wouldn't 100% cover all that stuff, it seems like you both would still come out ahead if you stayed behind for this particular time in ya'll's lives.

Why not shoot to have a marriage and not a PPD when he's granted his first leave? 

Yes, him being in training is going to stink.  You'll miss him like crazy.  But you know that soon it'll all come to an end and you'll be married.

The ONLY reason I can imagine wanting to rush is NOT to have access to housing off-base but in case *knock on wood* the worst happens to him when he's deployed, so you could have any benefits from such a thing.  Beyond that, if it's important enough to you that you desire the white dress and the big party, then just wait, save money (and allow him to save money). 

Any which way, good luck to you both.  And, as always, my thanks to him for being willing to serve.

winelover123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_marriage-license-now-wedding-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:855579d8-8e0d-4711-813f-b57a824e20daPost:c20eed88-fb45-4e82-be2a-b2827e5f0902">Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Marriage License Now - /> Wedding Later : He would have leave time, but I'm going off the idea that <strong>he has decided that I'm going with him to his first assignment. Which would mean relocating for me, not having a job, a vehicle, or money at first, and it would fall to him to support me.</strong> I feel that would be a huge stress. And I personally don't see that plan working out well. The only other way I can see it working would be to become a legal dependent in the eyes of the military.  With that said, yes, he would get time. But not a lot of time off. And I imagine if his plan to have me come with him as soon as he leaves doesn't work out, something like that would happen. It just wouldn't be ideal with the whole planning process since I would not really get a lot of time to communicate with him.
Posted by hailbird[/QUOTE]

Why on earth is HE the one deciding this? It really needs to be your decision as to whether you'll be moving with him to his first assignment. Or at the very least both of you together need to make a decision. Based on your posts, I feel like you're rushing into marriage because you don't want to be alone when you move.

NYCMercedes

Hailbird, you're completely wrong on weddings and marriage in St. Louis. Click on the link in PDKF's post. To be married, you will go through a ceremony and be proclaimed married. Done. End of story. Getting a license does not make you married. Your lack of understanding of fundamentals of marriage indicates that you are not ready to be married. You are not engaged, even. If you choose to go ahead and have your wedding this spring, whether it be by a pastor or JOP, then you can have a magical party at a later date. It wouldn't be a wedding, of course, but you could invite friends and family to celebrate your marriage. No ceremony, of course.

lisabeats

With all due respect, you're right about the fact that "it's hard to understand what's going on in someone else's shoes." However, this doesn't mean you're actually the only person to have ever been in these shoes, nor that it makes it okay for you to have a PPD because of them. I'm sorry, it's just a fact of life. I think Stage always says it best- It's about being an adult and making hard decisions. You're either married, or you're not. Consider the fact that military or not, there are always real, pertinent, and pressing reasons that complicate relationships, and most people do not use them as an excuse for this.

I'm marrying into a military life as well, and I have already twice moved across the country to new places (without being engaged- I didn't see that as being reason enough to get engaged) without friends, family, or jobs. It's not easy, nor fun, nor predictable. I would never sign a piece of paper for a bigger paycheck or roof over my head because of these facts. I moved of my own free will and volition, and it made our relationship stronger. And it made things stronger when I waited to do so, too, even though of course it would have been great to be closer to him sooner. I couldn't do it on my own, so I didn't do it. I surely wouldn't have gotten married then.

I strongly urge you to wait. Marriages for the sake of benefits or convenience (not just military) rarely seem to go as planned. Just practice being apart for longer, trust me, you'll need it for when he does deploy.

kaos16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_marriage-license-now-wedding-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:855579d8-8e0d-4711-813f-b57a824e20daPost:c20eed88-fb45-4e82-be2a-b2827e5f0902">Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Marriage License Now - /> Wedding Later : He would have leave time, but I'm going off the idea that he has decided that I'm going with him to his first assignment. Which would mean <strong>relocating for me, not having a job, a vehicle, or money at first, and it would fall to him to support me</strong>. I feel that would be a huge stress. And I personally don't see that plan working out well. The only other way I can see it working would be to become a legal dependent in the eyes of the military.  With that said, yes, he would get time. But not a lot of time off. And I imagine if his plan to have me come with him as soon as he leaves doesn't work out, something like that would happen. It just wouldn't be ideal with the whole planning process since I would not really get a lot of time to communicate with him.
Posted by hailbird[/QUOTE]

Married or not married, you will be relocating, without a job and a car.  Getting married won't change any of that.

What you are planning on doing, which you seem to be inaccurately calling get a marriage licence now and wedding later is offensive to woman who made the adult decision to get married at a JOP or in a courthouse, forgoing the PPD they wanted for personal reasons. 

I'm sorry, but your situation is not unique.  There are many young couples where one is in the military, and they need to make big decisions for what is their best interest in a couple.  Sometimes you miss out on things that you want for the better of your relationship.

Additionally, saying that you are quirky or offbeat or non-traditional does not excuse your idea to essentially have 2 weddings.  It's still inappropriate, and offensive to many.

I know that this is not what you want to hear from all of us, but the most important thing to realize is that if you really want to marry this man, marrying him should be the most important thing to you, not whether you get the fancy party you have invisioned since you were a child.  Marry him in the wedding you can afford and that is right for the two of you, taking with that the consequences of making an adult decision, then work on your marriage during what will likely be a trying time for both of you, instead of wasting energy figuring out how to have 2 weddings.

RamonaFlowers

If you've really "done a bit of research regarding this", you would already know that no, you are NOT "legally married" when you sign the marriage license. You're "legally married" when somebody that is legally allowed to perform a marriage ceremony signs the marriage certificate (Which you can't get, unless you've gone through the process of obtaining a marriage license first) and then files the paperwork with the state.

And yes, regardless of your reasons, this sort of thing is frowned on. Because the day you legally become husband and wife, that is the day of your wedding. Saying it "didn't count" or something because it wasn't some pretty princess dream if extremely offensive, and if you check out the Military Brides board, most of them will flat out tell you that they really don't like it when couples do something like this and then blame it on one or both of them being in the military.

Marriage is for grown ups. Grown ups understand that sometimes things aren't going to be exactly how you want them, and you need to make compromises and sacrifices and make the most of the situation you are in. You have to decide what's more important to you both: getting married rightthissecond, or having a fancy wedding that took more than a few weeks to plan.

QueerFemme

There is nothing special or unique to your story that would make having a fake pretty princess day ok.  If you want to run off to wherever to be witn your boyfriend, and get military housing as his spouse, you are free to get married whenever you want.  Whether that is a courthouse wedding, or a small wedding that he flies home for a leave weekend to participate in, is really your choice.  But, whichever you pick, don't have a fake pretty princess day later.

If you want to have a courthouse wedding, and then in a year or two, or 5 or whenever you two can both make it back "home", have a party to celebrate your recent nuptials, that is fine, but don't have a fake do-over or a big white poofy dress, or whatever. 

If you want a more formal wedding, how about you spend 6 months where you are, plan a small, budget friendly wedding, get a dress form Davids' Bridal $99.00 sale.  You can have a backyard bbq or a nice wedding in a park, and skip the fake re-do.

Dreamergirl8812

It seems like everyday there's someone on here pleading their case for a repeat/fake wedding. Each and every one swears their situation is unique and unavoidable and they just want to make everyone happy and having a PPD later is actually for the benefit of their guests, and not because they want to be photographed in a princess dress.


ETA: Just picture this fake wedding. Is your "officiant" going to ask if you take this man to be your husband? "Ummmm, yeah, he did that a year ago." Your "first dance" is going to be what? Your first dance that day?

dessiemarek

coming from a military family with mostly military friends I can suggest what I have seen a lot of people do which is do the paper marriage and like said you are "maried" then on your first anniversary when he is able to get leave time you can do a vow rewal that has all the bells and wistles of a wedding everyone you know and love will already know you ae married but will most likely love hte ability to celebrate and share in that with you

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_marriage-license-now-wedding-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:855579d8-8e0d-4711-813f-b57a824e20daPost:9bbde798-fa5b-4ebc-8403-2fa8058920c1">Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later</a>:
[QUOTE]coming from a military family with mostly military friends I can suggest what I have seen a lot of people do which is do the paper marriage and like said you are "maried" then on your first anniversary when he is able to get leave time you can do a vow rewal that has all the bells and wistles of a wedding everyone you know and love will already know you ae married but will most likely love hte ability to celebrate and share in that with you
Posted by dessiemarek[/QUOTE]

Military family or not, having a big wedding, with a big white dress, and ceremony, cake cutting, first dance, etc., are against etiquette.  If OP or any other military family wants to get married in the courthouse and have a big shindig later, a vow renewal is fine, but they are normally reserved for milestones (5, 10, 50 years) or after surviving some hardship (cancer, a seperation, etc.).  And vow renewals are more subdued events. They are not pretty princess days.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_marriage-license-now-wedding-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:855579d8-8e0d-4711-813f-b57a824e20daPost:9bbde798-fa5b-4ebc-8403-2fa8058920c1">Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later</a>:
[QUOTE]coming from a military family with mostly military friends I can suggest what I have seen a lot of people do which is do the paper marriage and like said you are <strong>"maried"</strong> then on your first anniversary when he is able to get leave time you can do a vow rewal that has all the bells and wistles of a wedding everyone you know and love will already know you ae married but will most likely love hte ability to celebrate and share in that with you
Posted by dessiemarek[/QUOTE]

<div>Why is married in quotes?  They would be married.  They get to live together on base, get dependant benefits.  Unlike cmg they get to make medical decisions without issue, get tax breaks, get survival social security and/or retire benefits.    </div>

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_marriage-license-now-wedding-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:855579d8-8e0d-4711-813f-b57a824e20daPost:7f2f2615-7f3f-4726-b321-f648c3539356">Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Marriage License Now - /> Wedding Later : Why is married in quotes?  They would be married.  They get to live together on base, get dependant benefits.  Unlike cmg they get to make medical decisions without issue, get tax breaks, get survival social security and/or retire benefits.    
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

yeah!  What she said !   thank you :)

manateehugger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_marriage-license-now-wedding-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:855579d8-8e0d-4711-813f-b57a824e20daPost:9bbde798-fa5b-4ebc-8403-2fa8058920c1">Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later</a>:
[QUOTE]coming from a military family with mostly military friends I can suggest what I have seen a lot of people do which is do the paper marriage and like said you are "maried" then on your first anniversary when he is able to get leave time you can do a vow rewal that has all the bells and wistles of a wedding everyone you know and love will already know you ae married but will most likely love hte ability to celebrate and share in that with you
Posted by dessiemarek[/QUOTE]

<div>Also "coming from a military family with mostly military friends," you could just do what <em>all </em>of the couples we know did, which is either to have a perfectly lovely courthouse wedding or to just buck up and deal with the financial/logistics issues until he can get leave to have the big party wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>Military families are <em>not </em>special when it comes to these issues; plenty of people struggle with insurance, long-distance, and financial issues that could be mitigated by marriage. Suggesting that "paper marriages" are inferior is insulting to all the couples who made the choice to be happily married via JOP. This "trend" among younger military couples is inappropriate and reeks of a sense of entitlement that contradicts the very notions of military service and self-sacrifice. </div>

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_marriage-license-now-wedding-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:855579d8-8e0d-4711-813f-b57a824e20daPost:2d22d4c5-ca23-43be-aa3e-c6a536cd064f">Re: Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Marriage License Now - /> Wedding Later : yeah!  What she said !   thank you :)
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>It's just so sad that people are fighting for the basic right to marry the person they love.  Then you have people like this who take it for granted.  They say  "we'll just get married on paper, get all the benefits, but have our real wedding later".    It's like they are playing house or something and not realizing it's the paper wedding is real.  Very real.  It's the only thing that counts legally speaking.</div>