Marriage License Now -> Wedding Later

manateehugger

millerp3 said:

Good Morning, I know your post was a month ago, but I figured I would still weigh in since I have experience with this.  I got engaged in november last year.  My man is in the Army and one day in Jan we decided that it would be best to go ahead and get married.  It worked out nicely because it allowed us to get all the logistics out of the way in order to have less stress of changing all the legal info later.  We did a "paper marriage" and got me into the Army's system.  We now have more BAH for rent, I get medical benefits (which is good because I haven't lived with my parents for a little bit now), I am able to move with him early next year and not have to pay out of pocket to transport myself.  We are having a big wedding in October and doing it right! I think you are in the same situation, but your's is more of a pressing issue! Don't listen to what people have to say that aren't in the same situation.  From experience it has been nice to be married already to a military man.  We have already gone on a very nice all-expenses paid marriage retreat at the beach and I have had other opportunities on post since I am a legal dependent now!

I feel like I'm going to start taking on all the "I'm marrying military, so I think you should do what you want" posts one at a time.  No, you are not "doing it right." What you are doing is wanting a fake wedding after becoming a wife. If this upcoming fake wedding was the one that "counts," why does the military give you benefits already? Oh, because this upcoming "wedding" isn't real! 

My FI is active duty Army. So I get the military dependent benefits completely. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to having a decent portion of my living expenses covered. That being said, I am not doing a "paper marriage" just so I can squeeze money out of the government. That's dishonest and disrespectful. The United States government offers you these benefits as a partial thank you for the sacrifices military couples make in life. FYI, that's our tax dollars you're benefiting from...so way to flaunt that in everyone's faces.  

There is no such thing as a paper marriage. There is a wedding, and then there is a celebration. The two words are not synonymous. Have a big blow-out one year anniversary party if you want to celebrate your marriage; I've been to plenty of military anniversary parties after a JOP wedding and always have a fantastic time. A fake re-do wedding cheapens the sacrifices military couples make (not to mention cheapens the institution of marriage as a whole). 

artbyallie

Well said, @PDKH. Getting married and accepting benefits from the government while not considering the marriage 'real' might as well be fraud.

manateehugger

artbyallie said:

Well said, @PDKH. Getting married and accepting benefits from the government while not considering the marriage 'real' might as well be fraud.

Ugh, I totally agree. I hate this new trend among young military couples. It's also horrifying when you realize that most of these couples got married because of the benefits that they couldn't afford pre-wedding, but then somehow have thousands to blow on a fake re-do.

lisabeats

PDKH said:

millerp3 said:

Good Morning, I know your post was a month ago, but I figured I would still weigh in since I have experience with this.  I got engaged in november last year.  My man is in the Army and one day in Jan we decided that it would be best to go ahead and get married.  It worked out nicely because it allowed us to get all the logistics out of the way in order to have less stress of changing all the legal info later.  We did a "paper marriage" and got me into the Army's system.  We now have more BAH for rent, I get medical benefits (which is good because I haven't lived with my parents for a little bit now), I am able to move with him early next year and not have to pay out of pocket to transport myself.  We are having a big wedding in October and doing it right! I think you are in the same situation, but your's is more of a pressing issue! Don't listen to what people have to say that aren't in the same situation.  From experience it has been nice to be married already to a military man.  We have already gone on a very nice all-expenses paid marriage retreat at the beach and I have had other opportunities on post since I am a legal dependent now!

I feel like I'm going to start taking on all the "I'm marrying military, so I think you should do what you want" posts one at a time.  No, you are not "doing it right." What you are doing is wanting a fake wedding after becoming a wife. If this upcoming fake wedding was the one that "counts," why does the military give you benefits already? Oh, because this upcoming "wedding" isn't real! 

My FI is active duty Army. So I get the military dependent benefits completely. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to having a decent portion of my living expenses covered. That being said, I am not doing a "paper marriage" just so I can squeeze money out of the government. That's dishonest and disrespectful. The United States government offers you these benefits as a partial thank you for the sacrifices military couples make in life. FYI, that's our tax dollars you're benefiting from...so way to flaunt that in everyone's faces.  

There is no such thing as a paper marriage. There is a wedding, and then there is a celebration. The two words are not synonymous. Have a big blow-out one year anniversary party if you want to celebrate your marriage; I've been to plenty of military anniversary parties after a JOP wedding and always have a fantastic time. A fake re-do wedding cheapens the sacrifices military couples make (not to mention cheapens the institution of marriage as a whole). 

Cosigned. Just because it's easier not to wait and it starts lining your pockets earlier, that doesn't make it the "right" thing to do. Quite the opposite.

I would never cheapen a marriage, nor take advantage of tax dollars, in the way you're saying. Just because this is a COMMON excuse, doesn't mean it's not one of the worst ones.

And yes, I also cannot wait to marry the man I love who proudly serves, and I also am not going to say I won't appreciate the extra help with finances.

southernbelle0915

This post was over a month ago - I wonder what OP decided to do. @hailbird - what's the word?

latjon26

Marriage Now, Wedding Later.

Me and my husband are planning a formal wedding for next June, but we were married in April of this year with the JOP. I don't see anything wrong with it at all. We only told a select few that we are already married like our parents, and siblings. We want for everyone to be involved in our special day. If getting married now and having the wedding later is better for you and your fiance then do what's best for you two. After all, the marriage and your love for one another is all that matters. Everyone has opinion but at the end of the day it's about you and your husband not about what someone else did you was in your shoes and what tradition says..

lisabeats

@latjon26 @hailbird

The part that is "wrong with it" is the deceit that comes with only telling a few people. You can't get married one day and have a wedding on another- a wedding is an event in which "getting married" happens. There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with a JOP wedding, and maybe even having a party to celebrate it later. But the time for a "reception" has passed (one in which you receive your guests and thank them for coming) and carrying out all the pomp and traditions of a traditional wedding reception should not be included in the party.

tinasueP

In New Mexico anything goes. You or your spouse can even committ forgery and fraud on a marriage license and no one needs to even file the marriage license and your married.  Also in New Mexico the Judges here dont understand that forgery and fraud is a crime so you or your other partner can get by with anything.

manateehugger

lisabeats said:

@latjon26 @hailbird

The part that is "wrong with it" is the deceit that comes with only telling a few people. You can't get married one day and have a wedding on another- a wedding is an event in which "getting married" happens. There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with a JOP wedding, and maybe even having a party to celebrate it later. But the time for a "reception" has passed (one in which you receive your guests and thank them for coming) and carrying out all the pomp and traditions of a traditional wedding reception should not be included in the party.

I completely agree with all of this. I would be LIVID if I took the time to celebrate a friend's wedding only to find out that they had been married for months prior. It's deceitful and hurtful. 

If a wedding is about two peoples' love, and "that's all that matters" why do you need a fake "formal" wedding later?

And @tinasueP, uhhhhh?

Ana Marsh

This distance is going to be the beginning of the rest of your lives. I don't imagine you can follow him to his EVERY assignment and the distance is hardest at first. Would it be better if you experienced it before getting married so that the worst of it won't toll on your marriage?

blueobsidian

latjon26 said:

Marriage Now, Wedding Later.

Me and my husband are planning a formal wedding for next June, but we were married in April of this year with the JOP. I don't see anything wrong with it at all. We only told a select few that we are already married like our parents, and siblings. We want for everyone to be involved in our special day. If getting married now and having the wedding later is better for you and your fiance then do what's best for you two. After all, the marriage and your love for one another is all that matters. Everyone has opinion but at the end of the day it's about you and your husband not about what someone else did you was in your shoes and what tradition says..

It's not about "what tradition says."  It's about the fact that you are lying to people. You are telling people you are getting married when you are not.  Good luck keeping friends once they find out how little you respect them.  Do you enjoy being lied to by your friends?

Seriously, why are so many people OK with being liars?

[Deleted User]

My husband is an active duty Marine. He was able to move off base before we got married due to his age, even though he is still a junior Marine. There were a TON of hoops he had to jump through and we didn't get the all clear until 3 days before I moved 1000 miles from just about anyone I knew. Under certain circumstances, he can get off base without being married...but it is NOT easy...and comes with ALOT of restrictions (if my husband was 1 minute late 1 time, he was back to the barracks, if he defaulted on 1 single bill 1 time, he was dishonorably discharged [he works in finance...if you can't handle your own money, you can't handle the Marine Corps' money], etc...very stressful). 

However, we got legally married about 2 weeks ago and we are currently planning our wedding ceremony with friends and family back home for our 1 year anniversary. My family HIT THE ROOF when I told them we were getting legally married without them there...then they calmed down when I said we were going to still have a ceremony. For us, yeah, we want the party with our family and friends, but mainly it's for the family. Weddings, whether the 1st, 2nd, legal beginning, or just the celebration are HUGE in my family. 

I think that the military adds its own complications to getting legally married and having a ceremony. In the civilian sector, I don't see why someone would get legally married and then have a ceremony later on...they might as well just wait. The benefits are lacking out there for married couples that there would need to be a rush to get married without the ceremony. The military however, means you can be with your loved one, you get health insurance, and there is that boost in income. HOWEVER, I do not believe that people should rush to get married in the military for just those benefits. If you already know you're going to marry them, then by all means, do it. But don't do it just for benefits. 

Just my thoughts congrats, and good luck!

lisabeats

FutureMCwife said:

My husband is an active duty Marine. He was able to move off base before we got married due to his age, even though he is still a junior Marine. There were a TON of hoops he had to jump through and we didn't get the all clear until 3 days before I moved 1000 miles from just about anyone I knew. Under certain circumstances, he can get off base without being married...but it is NOT easy...and comes with ALOT of restrictions (if my husband was 1 minute late 1 time, he was back to the barracks, if he defaulted on 1 single bill 1 time, he was dishonorably discharged [he works in finance...if you can't handle your own money, you can't handle the Marine Corps' money], etc...very stressful). 

However, we got legally married about 2 weeks ago and we are currently planning our wedding ceremony with friends and family back home for our 1 year anniversary. My family HIT THE ROOF when I told them we were getting legally married without them there...then they calmed down when I said we were going to still have a ceremony. For us, yeah, we want the party with our family and friends, but mainly it's for the family. Weddings, whether the 1st, 2nd, legal beginning, or just the celebration are HUGE in my family. 

I think that the military adds its own complications to getting legally married and having a ceremony. In the civilian sector, I don't see why someone would get legally married and then have a ceremony later on...they might as well just wait. The benefits are lacking out there for married couples that there would need to be a rush to get married without the ceremony. The military however, means you can be with your loved one, you get health insurance, and there is that boost in income. HOWEVER, I do not believe that people should rush to get married in the military for just those benefits. If you already know you're going to marry them, then by all means, do it. But don't do it just for benefits. 

Just my thoughts congrats, and good luck!

I'm sorry, but this is false. I understand what you were implying, but there are LOTS of "benefits" that come from being legally married as a civilian. In some cases, they are similar to those in the military, such as insurance eligibility, housing stipends, etc. Not to mention, the right to be considered kin in case of emergencies and death. Those are the rights being fought for on a daily basis by same sex couples (even though some are federal which wouldn't apply, but it's a step in that direction).

The point is- military or not- taking advantage of a system to make something legal, and then belittling that legality by claiming it's not real enough because it didn't come with a celebration is not only against etiquette, it is downright wrong. Lying about doing so (doesn't happen in all cases) only compounds the situation.

[Deleted User]

I'm not going to judge you like a lot of people on here are. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship and I'm not going to assume I do.

My suggestion would be to go to the courthouse with some close family or friends, have a quick marriage, and go out to dinner afterwards. Enjoy being married because that's what you are at that point. Then 2-3 years down the line, do a vow renewal and have a big party and do what you want. No it's not technically a wedding, but it'll be a way for you and your husband to share a lovely day with your friends and family.

Another suggestion would be to stop asking for permission for things on the knot forums. Do what you want.

JericcaRys

I think a lot of people are being really rude and single-minded on here. Do what you feel comfortable with. My husband and I eloped to Las Vegas last summer because we were engaged and wanted to be together sooner than later. We were living in different states (he had recently moved for work-related reasons) and my family had a big problem with us living together before marriage, so instad of stressing about throwing together a big wedding, we eloped with the promise to our families that we would have a wedding later. The big wedding will be this August and it is not a "fake" wedding. It is as real as you want it to be. We have sent out invitations calling it a "celebration of our marriage" and asking the people who love us to come watch as we "restate our vows". We will be having a ceremony with an officiant, who will ask us to remember the vows we took last year and will ask us to restate them in front of our loved ones. We will observe traditions in this ceremony that we didn't get to experience in Vegas. This will feel significant to us, having to say these words out loud in front of people we know for the first time, and it will feel significant to those hearing us say the words for the first time. We will be having our first dance as a married couple because we never had the chance to do that. Why shouldn't we get the party, the acknowledgement, the traditions, and the memories? It is our money and our right to have the expereince just like everyone else- who cares what order we choose to do things in? The same goes for anyone else out there, no matter what your circumstances may be. It is your choice and those who care about you will respect and honor that choice however you ask them to. Those who don't, aren't worth having around anyway. Our big wedding will be no less special than our Vegas wedding was, it will just be special in a different way. Forget everyone else and do what feels right to you and your partner, that is what marriage really comes down to anyway.

Jen4948

JericcaRys said:

I think a lot of people are being really rude and single-minded on here. Do what you feel comfortable with. My husband and I eloped to Las Vegas last summer because we were engaged and wanted to be together sooner than later. We were living in different states (he had recently moved for work-related reasons) and my family had a big problem with us living together before marriage, so instad of stressing about throwing together a big wedding, we eloped with the promise to our families that we would have a wedding later. The big wedding will be this August and it is not a "fake" wedding. It is as real as you want it to be. We have sent out invitations calling it a "celebration of our marriage" and asking the people who love us to come watch as we "restate our vows". We will be having a ceremony with an officiant, who will ask us to remember the vows we took last year and will ask us to restate them in front of our loved ones. We will observe traditions in this ceremony that we didn't get to experience in Vegas. This will feel significant to us, having to say these words out loud in front of people we know for the first time, and it will feel significant to those hearing us say the words for the first time. We will be having our first dance as a married couple because we never had the chance to do that. Why shouldn't we get the party, the acknowledgement, the traditions, and the memories? It is our money and our right to have the expereince just like everyone else- who cares what order we choose to do things in? The same goes for anyone else out there, no matter what your circumstances may be. It is your choice and those who care about you will respect and honor that choice however you ask them to. Those who don't, aren't worth having around anyway. Our big wedding will be no less special than our Vegas wedding was, it will just be special in a different way. Forget everyone else and do what feels right to you and your partner, that is what marriage really comes down to anyway.

The bolded is really rude.  As soon as you invite or involve at least one other person, it is rude to "forget everyone else and do what feels right to you and your partner" if it's at their expense or otherwise inconsiderate of their needs and feelings.  And lying to them about your marital status because you want to claim the benefits of marriage while holding yourself out as "not married" definitely falls in that category.

JericcaRys

How is that rude? It is YOUR marriage, YOUR day. Nobody else has to be involved if they don't want to be involved. The ball is in their court if they choose to support it and be a part of it. The point is, don't worry about other people's opinions because it is not their marriage, it is yours.

Jen4948

JericcaRys said:

How is that rude? It is YOUR marriage, YOUR day. Nobody else has to be involved if they don't want to be involved. The ball is in their court if they choose to support it and be a part of it. The point is, don't worry about other people's opinions because it is not their marriage, it is yours.

Lying is rude.  Helping oneself to legal "marriage" benefits while at the same time claiming not to be married is rude to those persons who actually do consider their legal marriage valid, not to mention those who can't get "legally married," and going through a legal marriage while claiming not to be married in order to have a pretty princess day to do "WHATEVER YOU WANT BECAUSE IT"S YOUR DAY" and to heck with everyone else is rude. 

Sorry, but on TheKnot, whether others "support" your marriage or not, "don't worry about other people's opinions because it is not their marriage, it is yours" is not a polite attitude to have.  If you want to maintain that attitude, this forum is not the place for you.

QueerFemme

Seriously?  What the hell is wrong with people?   We've been gone for a few days and this place turns into weddingbee?  Where people are seriously co-signing horribly rude, offensive and totally tacky ideas? 

If you are married. You are married. Your upcoming "wedding" is fake.  You are lying to your family & friends if you haven't told them that you are already MARRIED.  And if you don't consider your wedding "real" and the "real wedding will be later, then you are basically stealing from the tax payers by getting money, medical and housing benefits that you aren't entitled to.

Your plans are totally offensive and rude.

Viczaesar

What the hell, people?  Seriously.  YOU CANNOT HAVE A WEDDING WHEN YOU'RE ALREADY MARRIED.  It is categorically impossible.  You are not a special snowflake. 

Peledreamsofrain

Post removed due to GBCK

lisabeats

Peledreamsofrain said:

It makes me sad that my tax dollars are abused so horrifically.  I was hoping paying soldiers' salaries would go towards helping them raise a family, not blow it all on some fake circus show whilst lying to their families.

This.

#1- I "loved it" for you.
#2- This is why it is so offensive to military personnel who do honor the system and the tax dollars. I don't want to be taken advantage of by other government offices, I'm not going to take advantage of the one that would benefit me. I'm not implying you do, but please don't think this way of all of us!

jenn5628

I guess I posted this question on a different (very similar) thread, and I'll post it again here.  For all those who 'don't consider yourself to be married', what happens if you (heaven forbid) choose to end your relationship?  Do you get to just break up because you're not really married?  Or do you have to get a divorce?  Face it, you're married in the eyes of the law, there's no way around it.

juliajtew

manateehugger

Oh Dear God. Did you read anything anyone else posted on here? Tell me something, how did this couple get married "without the wedding"? It is entirely impossible. I guarantee you that half the reason they did a "paper marriage" overseas was so that the US Government would pay to ship all her stuff back over here so they could have a pretty princess day (an accurate term for an event that is condescending to anyone who hopes to become legally married). 

Glad you're thanking them for taking advantage of your (and my) tax dollars. Where is my thank you? Or do I not get one because I am mean and actually believe in the legal institution of marriage?

Doing what's best for them and theirs would be to be honest with the government, their family and friends, and to respect the fact that they are legally married. And to not waste money on a fake ceremony. 

juliajtew

They didn't ship her stuff back. They reside, happily, in Austria. Assumptions...

manateehugger

Lovely for them. Must have been nice for her to not really be married but receiving living assistance to live in a beautiful but incredibly expensive country. 

Dreamergirl8812

JericcaRys said:

I think a lot of people are being really rude and single-minded on here. Do what you feel comfortable with. My husband and I eloped to Las Vegas last summer because we were engaged and wanted to be together sooner than later. We were living in different states (he had recently moved for work-related reasons) and my family had a big problem with us living together before marriage, so instad of stressing about throwing together a big wedding, we eloped with the promise to our families that we would have a wedding later. The big wedding will be this August and it is not a "fake" wedding. It is as real as you want it to be. We have sent out invitations calling it a "celebration of our marriage" and asking the people who love us to come watch as we "restate our vows". We will be having a ceremony with an officiant, who will ask us to remember the vows we took last year and will ask us to restate them in front of our loved ones. We will observe traditions in this ceremony that we didn't get to experience in Vegas. This will feel significant to us, having to say these words out loud in front of people we know for the first time, and it will feel significant to those hearing us say the words for the first time. We will be having our first dance as a married couple because we never had the chance to do that. Why shouldn't we get the party, the acknowledgement, the traditions, and the memories? It is our money and our right to have the expereince just like everyone else- who cares what order we choose to do things in? The same goes for anyone else out there, no matter what your circumstances may be. It is your choice and those who care about you will respect and honor that choice however you ask them to. Those who don't, aren't worth having around anyway. Our big wedding will be no less special than our Vegas wedding was, it will just be special in a different way. Forget everyone else and do what feels right to you and your partner, that is what marriage really comes down to anyway.

Marriage is all about being a selfish prick? Good luck with that.

RamonaFlowers

A daughter of a "friend of the family" has recently run off and married a guy in the Army that she's only known for a few weeks. And after doing so, her parents found out through INSTAGRAM (of all things) that she went and got married. And now she's telling everybody after the fact "don't worry, we're going to have a REAL wedding later".

Except that everybody (Including her family) knows she is, in fact, married to Army Guy. No amount of her telling everybody "it's just on paper" isn't changing that for anyone. Her dad has done nothing but cry since she took off, and her mother is looking for every possible loophole that maybe, just maybe, her daughter didn't seriously go and get married without their parents there, because surely their daughter would NEVER do such a hurtful thing. Needless to say, after all of this pain and heartache this has caused her parents, they frankly don't care if the see her walk/escort her down the aisle in a frilly white dress ... they are more than aware that their daughter went off and actually got married without them present.

At this point, there's nothing she can do to make suddenly her family even pretend that a white dress and fancy cake somehow "un-does" the fact that she legally bonded herself as wife to this man. They know she's married ... and frankly, they're way too hurt to pretend that it never happened just so she gets to live her dream of wearing a poufy white dress in front of all her friends and family.

rpgaan

It is ridiculous to me that people put so much weight on a piece of paper that people sign for the state. Marriage licenses and certificates are just another way for the state to make money. In fact, they didn't even exist before the mid 1600s. The meaningful part of marriage is two people promising to love each other forever, whether that is in a courthouse or later in front of friends and family. So much weight is placed on a small piece of paper. It's really pathetic. 

You can easily have your big white wedding down the road. It will still have the same meaning. It will be like turning 21 on a Tuesday but having to celebrate the following Friday. I say do whatever makes YOU happy. You should take advice from people who put so much weight on marriage certificates. They obviously don't understand the big picture.