Help me to convince BF...

kelley198721

So lately BF and I have been discussing moving in together and marriage quite often lately. Actually, I would say it's been a nonstop topic for the past week or two. 

I want to move in with him but I am hesitant to do so because my family will be strongly against it. I spoke to my parents about the fact that we were talking about moving in together and they were NOT happy. My dad actually said "I would rather you go to the courthouse tomorrow and get married THEN move in. Why can't you do that?"

I am actually fine with this idea. I don't NEED a big wedding. Plus my best friend and her husband got married at a JOP and they are still happily married. They did it that way because they couldn't afford a bigger wedding. And it suited them just fine. 

But BF is adamant and refuses to even entertain the idea of a courthouse wedding. He said "We can do better than that." He also said that courthouse weddings are trashy and have Vegas connotations. He thinks it's ridiculous that my parents want us to go to a JOP before moving in together. He also says that in his family, courthouse weddings are considered tacky and if we got married at a courthouse, it would be scandalous in his family.

So obviously our families are very, very different. 

Anyway, I got a little offended at BF's view of courthouse weddings. To me, they are NOT trashy. My own best friend got married at a courthouse, for God's sake! 

But I feel that he is biased against them because one of his best friends did a JOP wedding to a woman that he can't stand. None of his friends can stand the woman. They all refer to her as "Whore" and refuse to call her by her real name. 

My point is, I think he's biased because of his friend's horrible marriage. And the fact that his family would apparently be against the idea.

Anyway, I told him that people get married at a courthouse for all kinds of reasons. Some can't afford a bigger wedding. Some don't want the attention or fuss of a big wedding. Some want to get married right away and start their lives together. 

But even after I explained all this to him, he still refuses to budge. I just want him to realize that courthouse weddings are not trashy!

I'm not even saying that I want to get married at one. I'm fine with waiting for a bigger wedding. I would never pressure him to have a courthouse wedding if he didn't want one. I'm honestly open to any kind of wedding. To me, it's not about the wedding. A wedding is just one day. I just want to be married to him. 

So please, help me come up with the right words. How can I convince BF that his view on courthouse weddings are wrong? It's a little offensive to me that he feels that way because my best friend got married at one. And also because I wouldn't mind getting married at a courthouse if it meant that we could start our life together that much sooner. 

kmbryant2413

Wow. My mom must be trashy then. I must be trashy for attending her wedding then, too! 

I'm sorry ya'lls views are so different, but that angered me quite a bit. Sorry I don't have any advice for you. Maybe ask him to think about how his words sound to anyone else?

Stina51286

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-me-to-convince-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:701d4540-7415-44ca-a9d6-1f3bd3634d14Post:ea8ceb3d-def8-4f3c-948d-e0e518d11715">Help me to convince BF...</a>:
[QUOTE]So lately BF and I have been discussing moving in together and marriage quite often lately. Actually, I would say it's been a nonstop topic for the past week or two.  I want to move in with him but I am hesitant to do so because my family will be strongly against it. I spoke to my parents about the fact that we were talking about moving in together and they were NOT happy. My dad actually said "I would rather you go to the courthouse tomorrow and get married THEN move in. Why can't you do that?" I am actually fine with this idea. I don't NEED a big wedding. Plus my best friend and her husband got married at a JOP and they are still happily married. They did it that way because they couldn't afford a bigger wedding. And it suited them just fine.  But BF is adamant and refuses to even entertain the idea of a courthouse wedding. He said "We can do better than that." He also said that courthouse weddings are trashy and have Vegas connotations. He thinks it's ridiculous that my parents want us to go to a JOP before moving in together. He also says that in his family, courthouse weddings are considered tacky and if we got married at a courthouse, it would be scandalous in his family. So obviously our families are very, very different.  Anyway, I got a little offended at BF's view of courthouse weddings. To me, they are NOT trashy. My own best friend got married at a courthouse, for God's sake!  But I feel that he is biased against them because one of his best friends did a JOP wedding to a woman that he can't stand. None of his friends can stand the woman. They all refer to her as "Whore" and refuse to call her by her real name.  My point is, I think he's biased because of his friend's horrible marriage. And the fact that his family would apparently be against the idea. Anyway, I told him that people get married at a courthouse for all kinds of reasons. Some can't afford a bigger wedding. Some don't want the attention or fuss of a big wedding. Some want to get married right away and start their lives together.  But even after I explained all this to him, he still refuses to budge. I just want him to realize that courthouse weddings are not trashy! I'm not even saying that I want to get married at one. I'm fine with waiting for a bigger wedding. I would never pressure him to have a courthouse wedding if he didn't want one. I'm honestly open to any kind of wedding. To me, it's not about the wedding. A wedding is just one day. I just want to be married to him.  So please, help me come up with the right words. How can I convince BF that his view on courthouse weddings are wrong? It's a little offensive to me that he feels that way because my best friend got married at one. <strong>And also because I wouldn't mind getting married at a courthouse if it meant that we could start our life together that much sooner.</strong> 
Posted by kelley198721[/QUOTE]

Wow. You are all over on this thing.

1. I am in and out on this board, so I don't know you all that well. How old are you?

2. Would you really want to push up a wedding just so you can live together with your father's approval?

3. Sit down and talk to him and ask him what his exact reasonings are. If he remains strong on those views, let it go.

4. I would highly suggest not running to the courthouse just to get married so you can live together and play house. That is dumb and childish.

5. It is 2013, do you really need your parent's approval to live with someone? Esp., if you are an adult.

Hummingbird125

Honestly - I think you should pick your battles. There's a chance he's just calling them trashy because he doesn't like the idea of getting married that way, and REALLY, REALLY, doesn't want you even to consider it. Maybe he thinks calling them "trashy" will convince you to not consider it. Even IF he really does consider them trashy, I don't think that's a big deal. Sure, he's wrong, and you are right that there are plenty of good reasons to get married at a courthouse, but that isn't what he wants to do anyway. You have much bigger issues to work out than convincing him that courthouse weddings aren't "trashy", IMO.

AprilH81

I would not fight this battle.  I would however remind him that his opinion can be hurtful to those you are close to and to keep his opinion to himself.

Hummingbird125

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-me-to-convince-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:701d4540-7415-44ca-a9d6-1f3bd3634d14Post:c0c18368-b9e2-4829-bf66-b173521cc05c">Re: Help me to convince BF...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Help me to convince BF... : Wow. You are all over on this thing. 1. I am in and out on this board, so I don't know you all that well. How old are you? 2. Would you really want to push up a wedding just so you can live together with your father's approval? 3. Sit down and talk to him and ask him what his exact reasonings are. If he remains strong on those views, let it go. 4. I would highly suggest not running to the courthouse just to get married so you can live together and play house. That is dumb and childish. 5. It is 2013, do you really need your parent's approval to live with someone? Esp., if you are an adult.
Posted by Stina51286[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Also - I completely agree with all of Stina's questions. If you want to spend the rest of your life with your BF, you should care a lot more about his feelings on the when/where of your future wedding than your parents' opinions. You BF does NOT want get married at a courthouse just to move in together with your parents' approval, and you need to respect that. If YOU want to move in with him now, before being married, you're going to have to stand up to your parents and make that decision. Don't pressure your boyfriend into a quickie wedding just to make your parents happy.

</div>

kelley198721

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-me-to-convince-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:701d4540-7415-44ca-a9d6-1f3bd3634d14Post:c0c18368-b9e2-4829-bf66-b173521cc05c">Re: Help me to convince BF...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Help me to convince BF... : Wow. You are all over on this thing. 1. I am in and out on this board, so I don't know you all that well. How old are you? 2. Would you really want to push up a wedding just so you can live together with your father's approval? 3. Sit down and talk to him and ask him what his exact reasonings are. If he remains strong on those views, let it go. 4. I would highly suggest not running to the courthouse just to get married so you can live together and play house. That is dumb and childish. 5. It is 2013, do you really need your parent's approval to live with someone? Esp., if you are an adult.
Posted by Stina51286[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm 25.</div><div>
</div><div>And no, I don't want to push up a wedding just to live together. I agree that it's childish. </div><div>
</div><div>I should clarify on why I wouldn't mind a courthouse wedding. I don't make that much money and neither does BF at the moment. We are financially stable though, as in we pay our own bills and have our own place. We can also afford to live together, if we want to.</div><div>
</div><div>But he said that he didn't want to get married until he was on better financial terms. And to his way of thinking, that could mean 2 to 3 years of waiting to get married. To me, it seems silly to put off getting married just to have a big wedding that costs a lot of money. When we could go to the JOP and save so much money AND be married sooner. </div><div>
</div><div>But I have not been pressuring him about it. I want to get married when we are both ready. I refuse to be one of those girls that pressure a guy into getting married way before he's ready.</div><div>
</div><div>And no, I don't have to have my parents' approval. But I would like it. Is that so bad to ask for? </div>

[Deleted User]

1.  you've only been dating 7.5 months.

2.  you don't need family approval to move in together if that is what you all want to do.

3.  your BF is allowed to have his own opinion on courthouse weddings.  you may not agree with it (I don't agree with it) but you don't have to "convince" him to agree with you on everything. 

4.  you recently posted (like, a few days ago?) about a "pointless argument" you had with your BF concerning waiting for sex before marriage, he had an internal deadline, etc.  it seems to me that you might have a history (of a short 7.5 months) of having conflict dealing with personal values and communication.  referring back to #3, you and your SO are not always going to agree...  even on some really important stuff.  I think you might want to work on ways to have respectful communication and disagreements, and learn to come to terms with the fact that your SO is not you.  he has his own life experiences, feelings, and personality.  I get that you find it offensive because your friend had a courthouse wedding, and also it's just not really a polite statement, but you can't wrestle him down or get super-duper upset every time you guys don't think the same way about something.

5.  you don't have to get married to start your life together.  H and I started our life together before we were legally married.  we didn't LIVE together physically, but our life together had already begun.

6.  I am not trying to be rude or hateful at all (I think my posting history mostly can allude to the fact that I try not to say hurtful things out of spite or fun), but I just get a sense of a little bit of insecurity and immaturity in your relationship.  it seems like you've got a lot of ups and downs and some problems with respectful disagreement and communication, just from your posting history.  obviously I don't know you, your BF, or your situation.  but I just get a sense that there is some insecurity happening.  I only speak to you like I would a good friend, so please don't be offended or hurt.  it's easy to get caught up in our own point of view and sometimes it's helpful to hear from a different point of view.  I also kind of feel like your BF doesn't think before he speaks, and possibly is stubborn about his preconceived ideas on a topic (no sex before marriage is a big deal, courthouse weddings are trashy, for examples). 

relax.  you might benefit from taking a good look at your relationship with your BF and learning more about your interactions and personalities, and how you can strengthen your relationship and improve yourselves as individuals.  when you work on that, the other things just come naturally.  I've learned this is a huge part of a healthy marriage relationship!  your SO should be someone who helps you to see yourself honestly, love and support you, and help you strive to become a better you.

kelley198721

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-me-to-convince-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:701d4540-7415-44ca-a9d6-1f3bd3634d14Post:3bb6bc13-f10c-47cc-931e-c77dd3e98968">Re: Help me to convince BF...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help me to convince BF... : Also - I completely agree with all of Stina's questions. If you want to spend the rest of your life with your BF, <strong>you should care a lot more about his feelings on the when/where of your future wedding than your parents' opinions. </strong>You BF does NOT want get married at a courthouse just to move in together with your parents' approval, and you need to respect that. If YOU want to move in with him now, before being married, you're going to have to stand up to your parents and make that decision. Don't pressure your boyfriend into a quickie wedding just to make your parents happy.
Posted by Hummingbird125[/QUOTE]

<div>I do care about his feelings. Which is why I told him that if he didn't want to do the courthouse thing, I wouldn't pressure him or nag him about it. I told him I would drop the idea and that would be it. We will only get married when we are both ready and we will have the wedding that we BOTH want. Believe me, I am taking his feelings into consideration. </div><div>
</div><div>What I'm mainly looking for is him to at least consider changing his opinion of courthouse weddings in general. It is a little offensive to me that he views them this way because of my best friend. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

Stina51286

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-me-to-convince-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:701d4540-7415-44ca-a9d6-1f3bd3634d14Post:625f7139-839c-46b5-ab55-6a331ac6c3d0">Re: Help me to convince BF...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help me to convince BF... : I'm 25. And no, I don't want to push up a wedding just to live together. I agree that it's childish.  I should clarify on why I wouldn't mind a courthouse wedding. I don't make that much money and neither does BF at the moment. We are financially stable though, as in we pay our own bills and have our own place. We can also afford to live together, if we want to. <strong>But he said that he didn't want to get married until he was on better financial terms. And to his way of thinking, that could mean 2 to 3 years of waiting to get married. To me, it seems silly to put off getting married just to have a big wedding that costs a lot of money</strong>. When we could go to the JOP and save so much money AND be married sooner.  But I have not been pressuring him about it. I want to get married when we are both ready. I refuse to be one of those girls that pressure a guy into getting married way before he's ready. And no, I don't have to have my parents' approval. But I would like it. Is that so bad to ask for? 
Posted by kelley198721[/QUOTE]

The bolded. Just because he wants to wait to get married until he is on better financial terms does not mean that its because he wants a big wedding. To me it means he wants to make sure he is a financially better place in his life. I would have to agree with him.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-me-to-convince-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:701d4540-7415-44ca-a9d6-1f3bd3634d14Post:625f7139-839c-46b5-ab55-6a331ac6c3d0">Re: Help me to convince BF...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help me to convince BF... : I'm 25. And no, I don't want to push up a wedding just to live together. I agree that it's childish.  I should clarify on why I wouldn't mind a courthouse wedding. I don't make that much money and neither does BF at the moment. We are financially stable though, as in we pay our own bills and have our own place. We can also afford to live together, if we want to. <strong>But he said that he didn't want to get married until he was on better financial terms. And to his way of thinking, that could mean 2 to 3 years of waiting to get married. To me, it seems silly to put off getting married just to have a big wedding that costs a lot of money. When we could go to the JOP and save so much money AND be married sooner.</strong>  But I have not been pressuring him about it. I want to get married when we are both ready. I refuse to be one of those girls that pressure a guy into getting married way before he's ready. And no, I don't have to have my parents' approval. But I would like it. Is that so bad to ask for? 
Posted by kelley198721[/QUOTE]


if financial security is important to your BF, then you need to learn to communicate on WHAT financial security means to both of you, and agree on it. 

you thinking that his idea of financial security before marriage is silly is a bit hypocritical:  your OP states that you're upset his idea of a courthouse wedding doesn't match yours.

cu97tiger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-me-to-convince-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:701d4540-7415-44ca-a9d6-1f3bd3634d14Post:ea8ceb3d-def8-4f3c-948d-e0e518d11715">Help me to convince BF...</a>:
[QUOTE]So lately BF and I have been discussing moving in together and marriage quite often lately. Actually, I would say it's been a nonstop topic for the past week or two.  I want to move in with him but I am hesitant to do so because my family will be strongly against it. I spoke to my parents about the fact that we were talking about moving in together and they were NOT happy. My dad actually said "I would rather you go to the courthouse tomorrow and get married THEN move in. Why can't you do that?" I am actually fine with this idea. I don't NEED a big wedding. Plus my best friend and her husband got married at a JOP and they are still happily married. They did it that way because they couldn't afford a bigger wedding. And it suited them just fine.  But BF is adamant and refuses to even entertain the idea of a courthouse wedding. He said "We can do better than that." He also said that courthouse weddings are trashy and have Vegas connotations. He thinks it's ridiculous that my parents want us to go to a JOP before moving in together. He also says that in his family, courthouse weddings are considered tacky and if we got married at a courthouse, it would be scandalous in his family. So obviously our families are very, very different.  Anyway, I got a little offended at BF's view of courthouse weddings. To me, they are NOT trashy. My own best friend got married at a courthouse, for God's sake!  But I feel that he is biased against them because one of his best friends did a JOP wedding to a woman that he can't stand. None of his friends can stand the woman. They all refer to her as "Whore" and refuse to call her by her real name.  My point is, I think he's biased because of his friend's horrible marriage. And the fact that his family would apparently be against the idea. Anyway, I told him that people get married at a courthouse for all kinds of reasons. Some can't afford a bigger wedding. Some don't want the attention or fuss of a big wedding. Some want to get married right away and start their lives together.  But even after I explained all this to him, he still refuses to budge. I just want him to realize that courthouse weddings are not trashy! I'm not even saying that I want to get married at one. I'm fine with waiting for a bigger wedding. I would never pressure him to have a courthouse wedding if he didn't want one. I'm honestly open to any kind of wedding. To me, it's not about the wedding. A wedding is just one day. I just want to be married to him.  So please, help me come up with the right words.<strong> How can I convince BF that his view on courthouse weddings are wrong?</strong> It's a little offensive to me that he feels that way because my best friend got married at one. And also because I wouldn't mind getting married at a courthouse if it meant that we could start our life together that much sooner. 
Posted by kelley198721[/QUOTE]

<div>Short answer: you don't. For his own reasons that are valid to him, he does not want a courthouse wedding. He doesn't want to be judged for having a courthouse wedding. So instead of trying to talk him into your side of things, you try to have a better understanding of what he wants, and then you come to a decision together of what you both want for your future wedding.</div><div>
</div><div>PS - If YOU don't care about being married before moving in together, now's a great time to stand up to your family and create boundaries that you are going to need to create a healthy life together.</div>

kmbryant2413

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-me-to-convince-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:701d4540-7415-44ca-a9d6-1f3bd3634d14Post:ede154cc-4479-4cd1-8a98-bcc75cd6358a">Re: Help me to convince BF...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Help me to convince BF... : Short answer: you don't. For his own reasons that are valid to him, he does not want a courthouse wedding. He doesn't want to be judged for having a courthouse wedding. So instead of trying to talk him into your side of things, you try to have a better understanding of what he wants, and then you come to a decision together of what you both want for your future wedding. <strong>PS - If YOU don't care about being married before moving in together, now's a great time to stand up to your family and create boundaries that you are going to need to create a healthy life together.</strong>
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

<div>Tiger hit it on the head, the bold especially. They'll get over it. At some point you'll have to displease somebody in your family to establish your own life.</div>

kelley198721

Thank you for your input, everyone.

I do feel a little silly now but you know, I am still glad I posted about this. It brought a new perspective that I hadn't thought of before.

Coco, you are right. There is insecurity going on, from my part. It stems from experiences in my past, which I won't go into. BF and I have actually discussed this and I am working on it. And I seem to be improving and getting more confident as time goes on. I'm lucky that BF is patient with me and willing to put up with my insecurity and craziness.

And there has been conflict regarding personal values. And I get why you think there is conflict with communication but I'm not so sure there is. Because yes, I have posted before about disagreements that we've had, etc. But we have always resolved them pretty quickly. I would say we have resolved them and learned from them. We have grown as a couple. Which admittedly, does not seem like it from my posting history. But it is true. BF has said numerous times that he loves that we can talk about anything.

As for our personal values, the only time they have differed is when it came to religion and living together before marriage. We have worked out the religion issue. And I admit, the latter has been more of me trying to please my family than anything else.

But in the past several weeks, I have grown more and more accustomed to the idea of going against my family. I'm actually preparing myself to stand up to them. It's not easy and I still dread the fallout but I think I am getting stronger and stronger. By June 30th, which is when we will officially make the decision and notify the family that we're living together, I will be ready then. And at least I will have BF and our friends' support in this.

As for getting on the same page as far as financial security and what it means to both of us, we are doing that tonight. Last night, we made plans for him to come over tonight. We are going to go over ALL of our finances, bills, debts, etc. And we will come up with a budget for apartment hunting. I plan to ask him what exactly he means by financial security and what it means for our future together.

I think that has covered all the points that y'all brought up. If I forgot to address one, please let me know. And the courthouse thing, I am letting it go. I do need to pick my battles and this is not a worthy one.

See, this is why I like posting about whatever issues that come up with BF and I. I get a new perspective and I think "Oh wow, I am actually being ridiculous about this. Okay, time to grow up!"

So thank you ladies for your input.

princess pop

If you indeed told him you would drop it, then drop it. I don't understand why you are so offended about this based on your BFF having been married at the courthouse, and I'm not sure I believe you about that being your reasoning. Just because he has certain standards as to how he pictures a wedding doesnt mean he has anything against your BFF.

It seems to me that you just really want to get married and move in together ASAP, and hence the courthouse argument. 

His financial reasonings are extremely valid, and since you have only been together 7.5 months there is really no rush to the altar. 

princess pop

Just saw your last post....all that sounds great! good luck!

motoLyn

Coco and Tiger pretty much have covered what I was thinking as I read your post.  My parents were, well ARE traditional because they are immigrants from Vietnam.  Its blasphemy for an unmarried female to be living with her BF or going anywhere overnight with a guy.  But you know what I did..... I moved in with my now husband.  We went and told my parents that we were moving in together and it happened.  I'm happy we did, it was a way for Danish Man and I to grow as a couple.  So just focus on the now and what RIGHT in front of you, which seems to be the chance of moving in together.  Don't start picking up on trying to change his idea of JOP or weddings in general till you BOTH are ready to take that next step. 

kelley198721

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-me-to-convince-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:701d4540-7415-44ca-a9d6-1f3bd3634d14Post:2e900646-8865-4a49-aaf6-4f5fe89748e9">Re: Help me to convince BF...</a>:
[QUOTE]Coco and Tiger pretty much have covered what I was thinking as I read your post.  My parents were, well ARE traditional because they are immigrants from Vietnam.  Its blasphemy for an unmarried female to be living with her BF or going anywhere overnight with a guy.  But you know what I did..... I moved in with my now husband.  We went and told my parents that we were moving in together and it happened.  I'm happy we did, it was a way for Danish Man and I to grow as a couple.  So just focus on the now and what RIGHT in front of you, which seems to be the chance of moving in together.  Don't start picking up on trying to change his idea of JOP or weddings in general till you BOTH are ready to take that next step. 
Posted by motoLyn[/QUOTE]

How did you handle the backlash from your family?

I am a people-pleaser by nature. And once BF and I move in, I'll be dealing with very disappointed looks and phone calls. My grandparents will begin to start praying for me to come to my sense and stop living in sin. My parents will lose respect for me. Actually, my entire family will lose respect for me and BF both. And if we get married, they will not be happy for us. At least not as happy.

And that's what I am dreading. So how do you deal with it? Can you give me any tips for me on how to ignore it or how to not let them make me feel like the worst person on the planet? Because I am not kidding, they will make me feel awful.

peekaboo2011

Kelley, I'm going to say something that might be construed as being mean.  I really don't mean it to be, I'm just being honest.

You were here a few weeks ago with the church issue.  Then it was sex before marriage and how upset you were about it.  Today it's that he doesn't believe in eloping.

I think you really, really need to slow your roll on this.  You guys have been together 7 months, and these are a lot of issues to be having.  You say that you guys have talked about them and resolved them quickly, but from experience, it doesn't really work like that.  I think it would be a really good idea for you two to take a step back and really just enjoy dating for a while.  

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-me-to-convince-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:701d4540-7415-44ca-a9d6-1f3bd3634d14Post:b4463786-e579-4ab1-b5ca-b25d2e2afa87">Re: Help me to convince BF...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help me to convince BF... : How did you handle the backlash from your family? I am a people-pleaser by nature. And once BF and I move in, I'll be dealing with very disappointed looks and phone calls. My grandparents will begin to start praying for me to come to my sense and stop living in sin. My parents will lose respect for me. Actually, my entire family will lose respect for me and BF both. And if we get married, they will not be happy for us. At least not as happy. And that's what I am dreading. So how do you deal with it? Can you give me any tips for me on how to ignore it or how to not let them make me feel like the worst person on the planet? Because I am not kidding, they will make me feel awful.
Posted by kelley198721[/QUOTE]

read the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.  I think it'll be helpful.

Belle2188

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-me-to-convince-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:701d4540-7415-44ca-a9d6-1f3bd3634d14Post:7de41714-bb4c-442f-95ad-cc7bf867d3d9">Re: Help me to convince BF...</a>:
[QUOTE]Kelley, I'm going to say something that might be construed as being mean.  I really don't mean it to be, I'm just being honest. You were here a few weeks ago with the church issue.  Then it was sex before marriage and how upset you were about it.  Today it's that he doesn't believe in eloping. I think you really, really need to slow your roll on this.  You guys have been together 7 months, and these are a lot of issues to be having.  You say that you guys have talked about them and resolved them quickly, but from experience, it doesn't really work like that.  I think it would be a really good idea for you two to take a step back and really just enjoy dating for a while.  
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]
Also not trying to be mean, but I have to agree with this.  Maybe chill out on discussing the serious stuff for a little while and come back to it in a few months if you still think it's a good idea.<div>
</div><div>With regard to his reaction to eloping, are you sure he wasn't just getting defensive because you brought up something he wasn't comfortable with?  I mean, I love my BF and can't wait to marry him <em>now</em>, but if he had brought up eloping at 7.5 months I probably would have word vomited some unfavorable perspectives as well...</div><div>
</div><div>ETA:  Just a side note--I moved in with BF against my parents' wishes as well, but I made it clear from the beginning that it was my choice and my business and everyone pretty much left me alone about it.  When the time comes, you just have to stand your ground and explain that it is not up for discussion.</div>

motoLyn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-me-to-convince-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:701d4540-7415-44ca-a9d6-1f3bd3634d14Post:b4463786-e579-4ab1-b5ca-b25d2e2afa87">Re: Help me to convince BF...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help me to convince BF... : How did you handle the backlash from your family? I am a people-pleaser by nature. And once BF and I move in, I'll be dealing with very disappointed looks and phone calls. My grandparents will begin to start praying for me to come to my sense and stop living in sin. My parents will lose respect for me. Actually, my entire family will lose respect for me and BF both. And if we get married, they will not be happy for us. At least not as happy. And that's what I am dreading. So how do you deal with it? Can you give me any tips for me on how to ignore it or how to not let them make me feel like the worst person on the planet? Because I am not kidding, they will make me feel awful.
Posted by kelley198721[/QUOTE]

Look if your family is going to react that way, then you have to think about what it is you want to happen.  Can you move in with your BF and be able to ignore the displeased looks and comments from your family?  You are 25 and at this point no longer need to please your family, to be treated as an adult act as one.  Else table the discussion of moving in together and come back to it later in the year.  Perhaps ease your family into the idea that if and WHEN you move in with your BF that it is going to happen before you get married.  Peek has brought up some interesting points that you would need to address before going down this road of moving in together. 

As for me, I made my intentions known to my parents.  At this point they understood I am an adult and living on my own for a while now.  Nothing they could say or do would deter me.  I could live my own life and make my own decisions.  They respected those decisions. 

Swazzle

Most of the ladies have already said what I'm thinking, especially Peek. It seems like you're having an awful lot of issues in a short span of time and you guys haven't been together for all that long. Breathe.

bethsmiles

I'm late to this, I know. But I just want to say that the PPs have given you great advice. I do agree with Peek that you might need to slow down a bit because it seems like you are having a lot of issues.

Vintagelove4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_help-me-to-convince-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:701d4540-7415-44ca-a9d6-1f3bd3634d14Post:7de41714-bb4c-442f-95ad-cc7bf867d3d9">Re: Help me to convince BF...</a>:
[QUOTE]Kelley, I'm going to say something that might be construed as being mean.  I really don't mean it to be, I'm just being honest. You were here a few weeks ago with the church issue.  Then it was sex before marriage and how upset you were about it.  Today it's that he doesn't believe in eloping. I think <strong>you really, really need to slow your roll on this</strong>.  You guys have been together 7 months, and these are a lot of issues to be having.  You say that you guys have talked about them and resolved them quickly, but from experience, it doesn't really work like that.  I think it would be a really good idea for you two to take a step back and really just enjoy dating for a while.  
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

This.  I really have no place saying this, but you need to step back, take your eyes off wedding/marriage, and focus on your relationship with your bf. If you work on that the rest will work it's self out and happen eventually. Not right-this-freaking-second but eventually.
That is all.

beanbot2002

Rent an ice rink. Bring a pony. Bam!

renegade gaucho

You both sound way too immature to be getting married anytime soon and you're not even engaged yet, so stop talking about wedding stuff for now.

GoldenPenguin

I didn't post yesterday, because I wanted to say something similar to what Peek said, and I didn't have the balls that she does. I don't think you guys are ready to live together. That might suck to hear, but - based on what YOU have told us - that's the perception I get.

Also, aren't you long distance? Or am I making that up?

annmarie714

Date for a while!

I knew I wanted to marry my now H about a week into our relationship but also knew I had a lot of living/dating/getting to know him first.  4 years after the fact, we got married.  Forever is forever.  You are already with the person, enjoy it for a while then make the next committment.  I really enjoyed the fun, carefree dating days where our biggest decision was what fun activity we'd do.  Not that we don't have that now, but we also have to make financial decisions, plans with both our families (esp around holidays), etc and "life".  Life happens but with a healthy relationship all this can build and strengthen a relationship vs. bring it down and cause problems.  Unfortunately, it sounds like you're in the boat of "life" causing problems for your relationship.  You're in charge of your own destiny--you can make changes to your life to help it turn out how you want.  Work for what you want.  Make a relationship work if it's what you want, but it will take work (just like a marriage!) and bond with your BF.

I think he's smart to want to be financially stable before entering marriage.  Finances are one of the biggest stressors on relationships/marriages and for him to have a goal of alleviating some of that stress--he gets points in my book.

His approach of explaining why he doesn't want a JOP is insensitive but maybe he's always wanted a "big" wedding.  I know I always wanted more than a JOP but I recognize that people who "only" got a JOP are just as married as I am with my "big" wedding. He may feel silly explaining this to you, but he may want a big wedding because of the celebration.  Only you can figure that out by COMMUNICATING with him.

While we're on the topic of communicating--stop all wedding/big future plans talks for a while.  Enjoy dating, enjoy being together.  SLOW DOWN.  FFS, slow down.  Wait until he brings it up again and reiterate that you are sure you want to marry him in the future but you really want to enjoy the here and now.  And actually enjoy the present time you have with him.

Moving in--while I don't think this would be best for you guys, if you're set on it, be a grown up and tell your family you're 25.  You can make your own decisions.  You can live with someone without being married to them and it's not a bad thing.  Do this as a united front with your BF.  You both should be each other's support person so this shouldn't be a problem.

Slow down.  Cool your jets. Enjoy dating.  Praise him for wanting to be financially stable. Don't bring up marriage.  Act like a 25 year old and make your own decisions.

lennonkdc

I agree with PP, they gave some wonderful, spot- on advice.

I just wanted to chime in on the judgy family front- they way ypu deal with it is to let it go- simply Give Zero F@cks (or work really hard at it.). No one, not even yoor parents are going to agree with every choice you make in life. Live your life to bring joy to YOUR heart, so what is best for you. They might come around, they might not. But if you let go of the need for them to approve, you will be so much happier. 

YOU have to live YOUR life, you can't let other dictate how you do that, you'll jjst be miserable. So tell them that you are moving in with BF, accept that that decision may have consequences (judgy looks, etc.) and then move on.Eat an ice cream cone, talk a walk with the BF, whatever make you happy. 

kelley198721

Just wanted to give a little update. BF and I talked and we agreed to completely table the marriage discussion. I didn't realize this but constantly thinking of our future was making me anxious and a bit crazy. And he admitted that the marriage talk was beginning to make him nervous.

Ever since it was brought up a few weeks ago (he brought it up btw), things got out of hand and I went a little crazy for a while. 

As for the moving in together, we also decided to push that back to February of next year. That way, not only do we have plenty of time to save money but we can just date for a while and enjoy our relationship the way it is now.

Thanks for the advice anyway. I admit, it stung a bit but I needed to hear it. It's weird but ever since we decided to stop discussing marriage, things between us seem to be lighter and the pressure is off. And now I feel happy and much more relaxed.