Snarky Brides

Spotlight stolen by my MOM again!

Just needing a place where no one knows me to vent. My wedding is in July; last night my mom calls to tell me that her and her (half ass) fiancé have finally set their date; for AUGUST! Like not even 30 days after mine! First and foremost I do not like her fiancé and their relationship is not a healthy one. Second they have been dating like 10 years what is the all of a sudden rush? She lives in CA and I live in SC so I would have to fly out there and take time off work. But the kicker is I am starting a new job and only have enough time for my own wedding and honeymoon. I have no vacation time to fly to CA for a THURSDAY wedding. I feel like she is being inconsiderate of my wedding. Now while I am in the crunch of my wedding planning the time when I need my mom to be there the most, she is now planning her wedding.
I say she stole the spotlight again because she worked at my high school and even went to my senior prom, in one of my dresses! I shared those experiences with her I sort of wanted to act like a Mom not a peer during this wedding stuff.
I know I am being a little selfish, but I am just hurt.
Thanks for the vent.

Re: Spotlight stolen by my MOM again!

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Deep breath. Your mom is not stealing your spotlight. She is planning her wedding an entire month after yours. That is perfectly acceptable and does not take away from your wedding in any way!

    And you're still stuck on something that happened in high school? Get over it! Sounds like a sucky thing she did but come on that was high school. No need to dwell on what went wrong a prom.

    If you are upset that she is planning her wedding for a time you can't make it I think that's fair and it would be okay to talk to her about that but the rest of your post is ridiculous and you need to get over it.


  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_spotlight-stolen-by-my-mom-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:e7d6cade-c0ad-47c5-9ecf-9ef6465162d3Post:e1086e04-0e2f-4c6f-b02e-7134ea2b9d9f">Re: Spotlight stolen by my MOM again!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Spotlight stolen by my MOM again! : #1:  A whole month is not stealing the spotlight.  It may end up being incovenient for some traveling guests, and it's a shame that you might not be able to get off to go, but she's not diminishing the happiness of your wedding/marriage. #2: you can not like the fiance, but you can't determine if their relationship is valid or not.  With the attitude you have, I'm not sure why you are surprised that she's not more accomadating of your time. #3: What she did in the past (prom and god forbid, working at your school) has no bearing on your wedding.  Even if she does steal your thunder on the regular, be the bigger person and let it go.
    Posted by tarradesign[/QUOTE]

    All of this.

    If she tries to "outshine" you on your wedding day she will just look like an AW and idiot.

  • Okay, I see that I was being dumb about the high school ordeal. The guy is just not my favorite he smokes pot, has not had a job in 5 years while my mom works 70 hours a week. I do not feel he can take care of her. Plus my younger sisters still live in the house and him doing illegal activity is not a good example for them. There are many underlying issues and perhaps its more than just stealing the spotlight. I just wish they were more stable before they got married.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_spotlight-stolen-by-my-mom-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:e7d6cade-c0ad-47c5-9ecf-9ef6465162d3Post:20d7b9d1-3667-49f1-adbb-ceb1dba2f0f8">Re: Spotlight stolen by my MOM again!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay, I see that I was being dumb about the high school ordeal. The guy is just not my favorite he smokes pot, has not had a job in 5 years while my mom works 70 hours a week. I do not feel he can take care of her. Plus my younger sisters still live in the house and him doing illegal activity is not a good example for them. There are many underlying issues and perhaps its more than just stealing the spotlight. I just wish they were more stable before they got married.
    Posted by AngeChristine[/QUOTE]

    I think all of these are perfectly reasonable issues to discuss with your mother. But don't make it about your wedding. All of those issues are separate from that.


  • Sierra524Sierra524 member
    500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_spotlight-stolen-by-my-mom-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:e7d6cade-c0ad-47c5-9ecf-9ef6465162d3Post:20d7b9d1-3667-49f1-adbb-ceb1dba2f0f8">Re: Spotlight stolen by my MOM again!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay, I see that I was being dumb about the high school ordeal. The guy is just not my favorite <strong>he smokes pot, has not had a job in 5 years</strong> while my mom works 70 hours a week. I do not feel he can take care of her. Plus my younger sisters still live in the house and him doing illegal activity is not a good example for them. There are many underlying issues and perhaps its more than just stealing the spotlight. I just wish they were more stable before they got married.
    Posted by AngeChristine[/QUOTE]

    Just because somebody smoked pot does not mean they are an awful person. Its not a big deal. Although I do agree that he should not be doing it in front of your younger sisters. Does he really smoke pot directly in front of them? Anyway, no use in spending time worrying about your mom marrying him. If she feels like its right and she is happy, the best thing you can do is try to be supportive, even if you may not agree with it.
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  • Her relationship with her fiance is none of your business. I can understand being annoyed that they would choose a date so close to yours, but at least it's after your wedding. Don't waste your energy worrying about this. You are still having your wedding so focus on that. And if you end up having to miss their wedding because you can't afford to take more time off from work (a valid reason to talk to your mom about her date choice) then that's the consequence she will deal with for choosing that day. Don't worry about it. 

    Also, who cares if he smokes pot? That is none of your business either. Does he have a medical card? If so, it's not illegal for him to smoke pot in his own home. Believe it or not marijuana is actually used medicinally and is harmless (and by that I mean it's far less harmful than cigarette smoking and alcohol). 

    If you truly believe your younger sisters are in danger or being exposed to a bad example you can speak to your mom about this... but really, she's their parent and will be the one responsible for them, not you.

    Please relax. You are working yourself up over things that are beyond your control. Let it go.


    Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_spotlight-stolen-by-my-mom-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:e7d6cade-c0ad-47c5-9ecf-9ef6465162d3Post:ad5ffbb9-86c5-436f-b41e-585bb1d9c568">Re: Spotlight stolen by my MOM again!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Spotlight stolen by my MOM again! : The OP lives in South Carolina. There is no medical pot, just like here in Texas, pot is illegal. I understand where she is coming from with her post. She is concerned about illegal activity going on in the same home with her younger sisteres.
    Posted by Ctexasgurl26[/QUOTE]

    <div>Please read the OP again! She clearly states that her mother, mother's FI, and sisters live in California! Which is also the reason she wouldn't be able to attend their wedding so soon after her own, due to the need to travel across the country to do so.</div><div>
    </div><div>And there IS legal medical marijuana in California, that is why I made that comment. </div>

    Anniversary
  • Bubblegum5586Bubblegum5586 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2013
    I think its funny this turned into about the Moms Fi smoking pot! Pot is harmless for adults who have their act together. If he's already lazy and doesn't work... pot likly makes it worse.... and you don't want to expose it to kids!

    But back to the OP. That stinks about your mom! I can see why that would be frusterating and I think its good you vented. But don't let it ruin everything. Communication really is the best thing in this situation, maybe talking about it with your mom will help. If not.... just put it aside and concentrate on yours and your life with your future husband!!!
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    Anniversary
  • I would just tell your Mom that you don't have enough vacation time to get out of work (especially with the wedding on a Thursday). Send them a nice gift.

    As someone said before, they've been dating for 10 years...unfortunately it sounds like your Mom is not going to change her mind because of your dislike for him. It sucks, but it is HER life.

    I agree about the pot thing though. Hopefully he's not doing it in front of your sisters, and hopefully it won't become an issue for them later in life (like him getting caught and arrested or getting them using it as well). Or maybe they just see him using it and walk out of the room rolling their eyes.
  • OP, I think this hurts so much because you expected your mom to act differently for your wedding than she has for the rest of your entire life. If she has always been an attention seeker, she is not going to change just because you are getting married. I empathize with you, I really do, and I'm sorry that she is not behaving how you would want her to. It might help if you realize that she is just being herself, and it really has nothing to do eith you or your wedding.

    Take her wedding as a separate issue, because I expect that your wedding made her realize she wants one. If you can't attend, tell her that, and explain that you would like to be there as a member of the family. Don't bring up your own wedding and how annoyed you are, just tell her that you are out of vacation days. Like PP, I expect she will try to change it. You don't have to like her fiance, but, assuming she is aware of his shortcomings, you have to let her make her own choices. 
    Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_spotlight-stolen-by-my-mom-again?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:e7d6cade-c0ad-47c5-9ecf-9ef6465162d3Post:20d7b9d1-3667-49f1-adbb-ceb1dba2f0f8">Re: Spotlight stolen by my MOM again!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay, I see that I was being dumb about the high school ordeal. The guy is just not my favorite he smokes pot, has not had a job in 5 years while my mom works 70 hours a week. I do not feel he can take care of her. Plus my younger sisters still live in the house and him doing illegal activity is not a good example for them. There are many underlying issues and perhaps its more than just stealing the spotlight. I just wish they were more stable before they got married.
    Posted by AngeChristine[/QUOTE]

    <div>You have every right to feel like she has stolen the spotlight. She is your mother before she is a bride. She needs to support you. When you came out of her that put you first in her life until she is no longer breathing.  I will pray for your family and that she can take her life in a mature direction just as you have yours. God Bless you and your upcomming marriage.</div>
  • Do you own a pair of big girl panties? I suggest maybe you slip those bad boys on.

    My mom and I have our issues, she is also a thunder stealer, and she does a lot of hurtful things to me and to my othr family members and her friends. But if I want to have her in my life, I have to deal. Yes, I get upset when I find out "she's done it again..." but its important to stay calm and keep things in perspective. I know my mom and I know I can't rely on her for anything, and I can't ask her to help me plan things because she tries to take over and makes everyting about her. I know that and I let it go.

    If you can't make it to the wedding, don't go. Don't feel like you have to be there, especially if you don't support her marriage. Don't show up with your sourpuss if you aren't going to be supportive of the couple. It will be more hurtful to have her daughter show up to the wedding and be bent out of shape the whole time than if you didn't show up at all.
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