Advice on meeting his daughter

Pastrytackle61

Hi ladies,

I apologize for this not being wedding-related, but I am looking for some advice for when I meet my SO's daughter this weekend.

He and his ex wife have been amicably divorced for 8 years; in that time, his daughter has met her mother's boyfriends, but never anyone her dad dated. She lives out of state, so she is not physically involved in his day-to-day life and is not aware of how serious he and I are.

I am panicking a little (alright, more like a lot) as I remember what a *joy* I was as a teenager when I met my dad's girlfriend and how unpleasant I was in subsequent meetings. (This weekend also seems to be the last "big moment" we have before moving towards a lifetime commitment, so I would like it to go well.)

I know what I disliked - trying too hard, trying to be too close too fast, feeling like I would lose out on time/attention. I have a genuine interest in getting to know her and making her feel comfortable, but I want to avoid coming across as the things I didn't like.

I know every situation is different, but if anyone has any advice to share, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you!

Marrin713

When I met H's son for the first time (he was 17 at the time), the three of us had dinner together.  H was instrumental in moving the conversation along.  I have experience with teenage boys; mine was once one, but I really didn't know what to talk about.  I would say keep the conversation general.  Does she have interests that your FI can clue you in on?  Maybe there's some commonality?

right1thistime

If this is a visit that would normally just be him & her (and those are infrequent), expect a little territoriality.  Who gets to sit in the front seat of the car with him??  Who sits next to him at the restaurant?  etc.

At 8 years old, I would let her "win" that battle.  And don't expect that you & he will have a conversation that doesn't include her, such as, "so how was work". 

If she announces something designed to get a rise out of her Dad (Mom said I can get a tatoo when I am 10), but says it to you, hand it off to her father without comment.  She's looking to see if you will badmouth her Mom. 

And yes, like any new acquaintance, look for  common ground, but don't force it. 

Most of all, just be yourself. ~Donna

MikesAngie

My DSD was 16 and coming home from a foreign exchange and we were almost 2 hours late in picking her up (the program gave us the wrong date of arrival they didn't account for the time change), when I met her for the first time.  She did an exchange program for 8 months in Japan and by the time she got back I was already living in her childhood home.  She was totally aware of this, and was okay with it.  We mainly started off talking about her trip and moved on from there.   She bonded with me really quickly, as her bio-mom was an alcolohlic and abandoned her child and husband in favor of passing out nightly. The bio-mom passed away last year from complications due to alocolism. 

Every situation is different and she may respond with wanting to be close to her dad or she may be more curious about you and how you met her dad.  It depends on her understanding of relationships and how she views yours.  My DSD saw us as a bonded and loving couple and was excited to experience what it was like to be a child in that situation.  She did have certain power plays that we worked past but that is to be expected even with biological children. 

Pastrytackle61

Thank you for the responses! They definitely helped calm my nerves a bit...fingers crossed this will be a successful meeting.

Sue-n-Kevin

My daughter was 12 when she met my now-husband, and his daughter was 14 when I met her. Our first visits in both cases were at events; we brought my daughter to a Tiger baseball game, with his daughter we went bowling. It worked out well, but then, as a parent, I know how to deal with kids.

I agree with everything else that's been said. You can inquire into her likes & dislikes, ask about her interests, but I do think you have to get some background info from her dad.

My daughter was the toughest to get on board, because I waited 8 years after her dad left before dating. She and I had a lot of together time, "girl time", and we dated for 4 years before we married. In your case it sounds like she's meeting you and the next time she's around you will be married?

Just be yourself. Her dad fell in love with you for a reason, and while she doesn't have to love you, you will have to co-exist at times. Girls can be very protective of their dads, mine was when her dad was dating. But then, he dated & married the wicked witch of the west, so I'm sure that's entirely different, LOL.

Be cordial, but not nosy. Be confident, but not arrogant. Think of it as a job interview. You want to put your best foot forward, but understand she may not "hire" you for a while. Just kidding!

I'm sure it will be fine. I know this because you asked for advice and care.

Good luck.

glitterunicorn13

I just had to do this very same thing last month and I just resolved to be myself.  She also had not met any of her dad's girlfriends (in my case FI).  She was very excited that he found someone that makes him happy. So, approval all around.  Let me also mention, it was her (his daughter's) wedding so the ex was there too.  I was calm and myself... that is the only thing I can advise is to remain calm and be true to you....

Lisa50

How old is the daughter?  Did I miss that?  My answer would depend (somewhat) upon her age.

Pastrytackle61

Thank you all again for your responses! The meeting went well, and we had a chance to get to know one another over dinner; what a polite, articulate teenager she is. I spent so much time worrying what would happen if it didn't go well, that I didn't think what would happen if it did. I am pleased to know we will be moving ahead with our commitment to one another. Thanks for the reassurance, it was much appreciated!