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Moms and Maids

MOH is becoming a bad friend and bridesmaid-zilla

I got engaged nearly a year and a half ago and my best friend who I chose as MOH was excited and willing to give advice and idea's and help with plans until a few months later and she seemed less and less involved fast forward to now and  I'm getting married in a little less then 3 months and am having some serious issues with my MOH, she now wants me to buy her dress and shoes for the wedding because she was laid off, which i told her long ago I couldn't do because I'm on a very tight budget for my wedding and can't afford to cover the cost of her dress, my dress, and my fiance's suite. We've been having a lot of issues in our friendship too and fighting a lot off and on for the last several months though right now we are on fair terms though the other night while talking to her I made a comment about being excited that I would be starting to send my wedding invitations out in the next week to which she responding by saying "I love you, but I don't want to hear anymore about your wedding."I was hurt and angry about this comment, she has made similar comments in recent weeks, which has seriously made me consider asking her to step out of my bridal party and possible not to even attend my wedding. My question to all you ladies is do I have a right to ask her to step down from my wedding party, because of her nasty behavior, which has been causing me untold amounts of stress and depression? Also is there even a diplomatic way to do this? I've tried several times to talk to her about her attitude which she corrects for a couple of weeks then just goes right back to it.

Re: MOH is becoming a bad friend and bridesmaid-zilla

  • Oh boy. The one thing you should really get from this is nobody and I repeat nobody will care about your wedding as much as you will. 

    Your MOH has a life, talking about your wedding is not always going to be her choice of topic. You need to give it a rest. Kicking her out of the wedding is a friendship ending move that will only make you look bad. Want to talk about you wedding? That's what we're here for! Share your ideas, stories and frustrations with us, the ladies on here are incredibly helpful and you can learn a ton. And don't forget this is your FI's wedding as well. He should be as involved as you are.

    Her one and only goal as the MOH is to purchase the chosen dress (taking her budget into consideration) and show up sober. She can't afford it? Let her wear something she already owns. Let her figure out what she can do. Stop the wedding talk with her, she has already stated she doesn't wish to talk about it anymore.
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  • I gave my bridesmaids the choice to pick their dresses, as long as they were the color I wanted and length I wanted them to wear beyond that I didn't care what it looked like so each girl could pick a dress within her budget or in her closet, something my friend knew when I first got engaged and started making plans. I don't care so much that she stopped being an active part in the planning process. But, one thing I forgot to mention is that she's been also being disrespectful and in some cases antagonistic and aggressive to my other bridesmaids, friends who are helping me actively with my wedding plans, and to my fiance who she's known even longer than she's known me, and some of my fiance's friends who are helping with planning things on the grooms side. It almost seems like she's jealous is the only way I can describe it for lack of a better word, I know her behavior is starting to seriously upset others. Also, the stress and worry her behavior has brought on is now affecting my physical health.
  • Unless she makes a legitimate threat or tries to sleep with you or your FI you can't kick her out. I'm sorry that she's coming off as aggressive and antagonistic, but your BMs are adults. If she doesn't want to help then she doesn't want to help. Everyone needs to just leave her alone. 

    Did you speak with each BM privately about their budget? So long as you went by their budget and, like you said, chose only the color and length then you're fine. If she doesn't get the dress then she takes herself out of the wedding. Since she is the MOH it's incredibly easy for her to get away with a dress different from the BMs. 
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  • Do not ask her to step down. If she asks again for you to pay for it, just keep repeating that you are unable to do so and change the subject. If she is unable to stand the day of the wedding, them she has taken herself out of the wedding party. No big deal. Can you elaborate on how this is causing you this much stress? I feel like we are missing part of the story because from what I've read so far it appears to me that you are being over dramatic. She doesn't have to help plan YOUR wedding if she doesn't want to.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-is-becoming-a-bad-friend-and-bridesmaid-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7e92a4de-673b-433b-839a-269f55dddc10Post:0049e53f-7724-4874-bdb4-bcb64fb483db">MOH is becoming a bad friend and bridesmaid-zilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]I got engaged nearly a year and a half ago and my best friend who I chose as MOH was excited and<strong> willing to give advice and idea's and help with plans until a few months later and she seemed less and less involved</strong> <strong><font color="#000080">
    wedding fever can fade off fast when it's not your own wedding. It's excitng at first, but then it gets monotonous becuase she doesn't CARE what sheen your tablecloths have, kwim? And since she's laid off, she has even less time and interest in it.
     
    </font></strong>fast forward to now and  I'm getting married in a little less then 3 months and am having some serious issues with my MOH, she now wants me to <strong>buy her dress and shoes for the wedding because she was laid off</strong>,
    <font color="#000080"><strong>You don't have to buy her dress, but can you take some time to help her find one? Set up a day, go out to lunch (or make her lunch) and go to some local thrift and consignment shops. She's most likely dealing with a whole other slew of problems that are much more important to her than your wedding. </strong></font>

    which i told her long ago I couldn't do because I'm on a very tight budget for my wedding and can't afford to cover the cost of her dress, my dress, and my fiance's suite. We've been having a lot of issues in our friendship too and fighting a lot off and on for the last several months though right now we are on fair terms though the other night while talking to her <strong>I made a comment about being excited that I would be starting to send my wedding invitations out in the next week to which she responding by saying "I love you, but I don't want to hear anymore about your wedding."I </strong>was <strong>hurt and angry about this comment, she has made similar comments in recent weeks,</strong>
    <font color="#000080"><strong>You are ok being a little hurt, but she didn't do anything wrong. The woman is laid off, probably trying to figure out how to make ends meet AND get a dress that she can't afford because she doesn't have an income. She probably needs you to be more of a friend than you're being for her right now. Sure you have a WEDDING OMG, but she has no job! I mean can you really expect her to be all sunshine and butterflies when she has this stuff going on in her life?

    </strong></font>which has seriously made me consider asking her to step out of my bridal party and possible not to even attend my wedding. My question to all you ladies is do I have a right to ask her to step down from my wedding party, because of her nasty behavior, which has been causing me untold amounts of stress and depression? Also is there even a diplomatic way to do this? <strong>I've tried several times to talk to her about her attitude which she corrects for a couple of weeks then just goes right back to it.</strong>

    <strong><font color="#000080">She probably slips into the same attitude because you are asking her to change her behavior without changing your own. </font></strong>
    Posted by wheelz89[/QUOTE]

    So, I think that you really need to step off the wedding train and take care of your friendship. You chose this girl because she was one of your closest friends, and NOW she's going through a really hard time. She needs a friend. But, you're off talking about your wedding, money, cost, and all sorts of other stuff that she has no interest in. You don't get to kick someone out of the wedding because they aren't uber interested. I think that you're having a bit of a zilla moment, so cool off and be her friend, not the bride.
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  • She is causing you stress, so you need to ask her to step down. Nobody should be stressed about their wedding!  She is a bad, bad friend! Doesn't she realize this is your special day and she needs to be there for you?  What kind of friend doesn't want to hear about your wedding?!Frown
    Any fool can make a rule,and any fool will mind it. ~Thoreau photo specialdaygif_zpsac5730d3.gif
  • No one else will be as excited about your wedding as you. It sounds like she has told you more than once that she prefers to not talk wedding all the time. If I was doing something that annoyed a friend, I would hope she would tell me and then would take that cue, so I'd stop talking wedding around her incessantly.

    As far as the dress, explain to her that you are unfortunately not in a financial position to buy one. If you just told the girls to get any dress they wanted in a certain color then I think it's fair to expect her to buy it herself since she can find an option within her budget. If she chooses to not buy a dress, then she has taken herself out of the wedding. But do not kick her out. You don't have a legitimate reason for kicking her out and it will likely be a friendship-ending move.


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-is-becoming-a-bad-friend-and-bridesmaid-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7e92a4de-673b-433b-839a-269f55dddc10Post:2cb9a7bc-d26d-4d16-8b4a-36b976380e15">Re: MOH is becoming a bad friend and bridesmaid-zilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]She is causing you stress, so you need to ask her to step down. Nobody should be stressed about their wedding!  She is a bad, bad friend! Doesn't she realize this is your special day and she needs to be there for you?  What kind of friend doesn't want to hear about your wedding?!
    Posted by speshlsnowflAkE[/QUOTE]

    Snowflake, this is the wrong way to approach this. Asking a MOH to step down is a friendship ending move.

    Getting laid off from a job causes stress and depression and your best friend needs you more than ever. It's okay for the MOH to stand out and wear a different color dress. Let her wear something that she already owns. Or if she is the same dress size as you, she can even borrow a dress from you.

    My MOH had a baby a few months before my wedding. Since the BMs' dress color was discontinued, she wore a different color than the other girls and looked beautiful.

    As for shoes, most women own a pair of black dress shoes. Ask your MOH if she already owns a pair of black shoes.
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Sorry I am on Team Bridesmaid. You have been engaged for a year and a half. I would be sick and tired of hearing about flower arrangements and menu cards also. Give her a break. You asked her to be your BM because she is one of your best friends. Have you considered calling her and asking her what is going on with her? How is she doing since being laid off? And during this call say NOTHING about your wedding.

    However, I will agree with you on one point, you are not required to pay for her dress. Just tell her a color and a fabric and let her find something in her budget.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-is-becoming-a-bad-friend-and-bridesmaid-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7e92a4de-673b-433b-839a-269f55dddc10Post:c2cfc0a5-c3d7-48e8-828a-fa80df167f23">Re: MOH is becoming a bad friend and bridesmaid-zilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH is becoming a bad friend and bridesmaid-zilla : Snowflake, this is the wrong way to approach this. Asking a MOH to step down is a friendship ending move. Getting laid off from a job causes stress and depression and your best friend needs you more than ever. It's okay for the MOH to stand out and wear a different color dress. Let her wear something that she already owns. Or if she is the same dress size as you, she can even borrow a dress from you. My MOH had a baby a few months before my wedding. Since the BMs' dress color was discontinued, she wore a different color than the other girls and looked beautiful. As for shoes, most women own a pair of black dress shoes. Ask your MOH if she already owns a pair of black shoes.
    Posted by ladytori[/QUOTE]

    Snowflake is a troll
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  • Omg, doesn't she know that your wedding makes you the most important person for like, a year? It's your day, kick her to the curb. She'll understand.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-is-becoming-a-bad-friend-and-bridesmaid-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7e92a4de-673b-433b-839a-269f55dddc10Post:3ac5a2d2-dc14-46d1-8811-9734d25fb112">Re: MOH is becoming a bad friend and bridesmaid-zilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH is becoming a bad friend and bridesmaid-zilla : Snowflake is a troll
    Posted by KatWAG[/QUOTE]

    That makes sense since I read some of his/her responses. Snowflake there is no point to deleting your post. You have been quoted.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-is-becoming-a-bad-friend-and-bridesmaid-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7e92a4de-673b-433b-839a-269f55dddc10Post:b4e784c8-1eea-4d41-9bb4-d4b3b7dcb55b">Re:MOH is becoming a bad friend and bridesmaidzilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]Do not ask her to step down. If she asks again for you to pay for it, just keep repeating that you are unable to do so and change the subject. If she is unable to stand the day of the wedding, them she has taken herself out of the wedding party. No big deal. <strong>Can you elaborate on how this is causing you this much stress? I feel like we are missing part of the story because from what I've read so far it appears to me that you are being over dramatic.</strong> She doesn't have to help plan YOUR wedding if she doesn't want to.
    Posted by Weezy56[/QUOTE]

    Glad I'm not the only one. OP, you sound a bit over the top with this. If this is causing you to fall into depression, I daresay you might have some other issues going on that need tending to. Find somewhere else/someone else to share your wedding chat with and let the situation roll out on its own. I was in a similar situation last year (Bride was mad that as MOH I was "excited enough" about her wedding, she accused me of being jealous too). I stayed in the wedding, gave a little toast, posed for some pictures, and all was well with the world.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-is-becoming-a-bad-friend-and-bridesmaid-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7e92a4de-673b-433b-839a-269f55dddc10Post:b4e784c8-1eea-4d41-9bb4-d4b3b7dcb55b">Re:MOH is becoming a bad friend and bridesmaidzilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]Do not ask her to step down. If she asks again for you to pay for it, just keep repeating that you are unable to do so and change the subject. If she is unable to stand the day of the wedding, them she has taken herself out of the wedding party. No big deal. Can you elaborate on how this is causing you this much stress? I feel like we are missing part of the story because from what I've read so far it appears to me that you are being over dramatic. She doesn't have to help plan YOUR wedding if she doesn't want to.
    Posted by Weezy56[/QUOTE]
    This. You're getting yourself worked up over nothing, really. Naturally we all want our bridesmaids to be into the wedding, but some just aren't. And that's ok. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • One party day in exchange for years of friendship?  Sounds reasonable to me!!!!!!!!

    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • Yep, I agree with sydaries. Being a friend is more important here. My guess is that she's under extreme stress, and could use an understanding ear at this time. Here's a little example...

    Former best friend asked me to be MOH at her Sept 2012 wedding, and of course, I said yes! I also designed her invitation packages, and my duet partner and I played at the ceremony. Fast forward a few months into her planning. Apparently, she talked to her commissioner, and wasn't allowed to have me as MOH and performing music, so I was bumped to BM. No biggie for me, but it was weird because I had been in that position before with no issues. More fast forward...I had issues with my parents. Like, huge family blowups, and I needed to talk to her about it, as she had gone through the same thing with her Dad previously. She ended up telling her FMIL, FSIL, rest of the BP, coworkers, etc. that I was nuts, that she couldn't call me her best friend anymore, that we weren't talking, and she didn't even want to see me. Part of that wasn't true; I was designing her invites; we were in constant contact. Long story kinda short, by her not being there in my extreme time of need, and by her badmouthing me, our friendship suffered and continues to suffer. I no longer consider her my best friend, but more of a casual acquaintance, conversations are forced, and if she walked away from our friendship, that would be OK. Don't let this happen to you, OP. Do what you need to do to rectify your friendship with your MOH.


    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-is-becoming-a-bad-friend-and-bridesmaid-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7e92a4de-673b-433b-839a-269f55dddc10Post:07621dc6-db82-4e0a-a9dd-e776a64e9269">Re: MOH is becoming a bad friend and bridesmaid-zilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to MOH is becoming a bad friend and bridesmaid-zilla : So, I think that you really need to step off the wedding train and take care of your friendship. You chose this girl because she was one of your closest friends, and NOW she's going through a really hard time. She needs a friend. But, you're off talking about your wedding, money, cost, and all sorts of other stuff that she has no interest in. You don't get to kick someone out of the wedding because they aren't uber interested. I think that you're having a bit of a zilla moment, so cool off and be her friend, not the bride.
    Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]
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  • I am having a similar issue. One if mine is bossing the others around and all of a sudden, 4 months after buying a dress SHE PICKED OUT, she explodes and says its too expensive. I'm not going to address the issue anymore. If she chooses to step out, it will hurt my feelings but she has done that multiple times now and I'd rather be done with it. She has caused stress to all of my other maids. Some people are just rude and over bearing and we don't see this until the even isn't circled around THEM.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    OP, your friend just lost her job.  I am sure that is causing her mountains of stress.  Stop the wedding talk and just be her friend.  Also, drop the jealous talk because that is not what she is.  She is stressed and worried about her financials.  I seriously doubt she is jealous.

    As for how she is reacting to other people that is their bone to pick with her not yours.  Deal with the situation you are having with your friend and leave everyone else out of it.

    In regards to the dress, I agree that you should not have to pay for it.


    RetreadBride
  • cdshott21 said:
    I am having a similar issue. One if mine is bossing the others around and all of a sudden, 4 months after buying a dress SHE PICKED OUT, she explodes and says its too expensive. I'm not going to address the issue anymore. If she chooses to step out, it will hurt my feelings but she has done that multiple times now and I'd rather be done with it. She has caused stress to all of my other maids. Some people are just rude and over bearing and we don't see this until the even isn't circled around THEM.
    So you decided to drop this into a post that was a month and a half old?
    image
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  • Hey Wheelz,

    I absolutely understand how you would be hurt and upset by her comment, but one thing to bear in mind is that no one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. When FH and I got engaged, yes, there was much talk about wedding planning, etc., with friends and family. But, as time wore on, it became less of a hot topic. Now, I don't talk about it unless someone asks me something about the wedding, and mine is 3 months away as well.

    I also get why this would make you consider not wanting her in the WP. However, you wouldn't be asking her to step down, you would be kicking her out, and ruining a friendship. If you would like to keep this girl as a friend, I would highly suggest you reconsider this move! If this is causing you stress and sadness, I would just stop talking about your wedding plans, and enjoy the process with your fiance.

    As for her dress, no you don't have to buy this for her, especially if you're on a tight budget and were upfront with her from the get-go. She probably didn't foresee the layoff, and while it is unfortunate, if she agrees to be in your WP, and agreed from the start to purchase a dress/shoes for it, then for her to be in your WP, she needs to follow that through. She doesn't need to get an expensive dress; just something that is affordable for her. She may even have something in her closet at home that is appropriate to wear (if it matches your wedding colours)! As for shoes, also go to her closet! Heck, that's what I'm doing...I'm wearing a pair of shoes I bought in 2008, as they're a perfect match to my wedding dress, broken in already, and comfy.

    However, if she doesn't already have something suitable to wear, or if she chooses to not get a dress for the day, she automatically takes herself our of the WP. By the way, you're buying your fiance a suite? Like, a condominium suite that you guys will live in? I'm guessing you meant "suit", but if it is indeed the latter, he should be chipping in as well!
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