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Bridesmaid planning her wedding instead of mine

Let me get your opinion on the best way to handle this situation. I have a bridesmaid who is older (40 yrs old) who you would think would be the most mature but has been nothing but drama. I want to tell her she is out but I don' know how to do it tactfully. Here is what happened:

My wedding is an outdoors/rustic/cowboy wedding on September 1st, 2013.


I want the event to be pretty casual and focused on spending time with loved ones rather than a big elaborate party. I asked the BM to be in it because we have been close for 3 years and she is like a big sister that I could always talk to. 
However, she has started playing my other two bridesmaids against each other. She doesn’t like my MOH so she doesn’t include her in anything because my MOH couldn’t be at some dress fittings because her uncle (like a dad to her) was dying with leukemia and was driving 5 hours to go spend his final days with him every weekend until he passed away. I was cool with the MOH not being there because family is more important. 
Then this BM started being really mean to my mom when we went to go look at the venue I had chosen. She basically almost had my mom in tears and my mom said she wouldn’t go to any more wedding functions if she was going to be there. Of course I was mad at the BM I mean that’s my mom for Christ sake but I held my tongue thinking maybe she was just having a bad day. Next thing she did was order her own BM dress to wear without asking me first. This dress was made out of taffeta and brown and honestly a trash bag would have looked better. I absolutely hated the dress and nicely asked her to return it because it was not the sundress style dress that I had pictured the girls wearing. I found a lady out of Florida who makes custom dresses which fit my style perfectly and I was so excited. Everyone loved the dresses except for this BM. The girls could have the dress made with any neckline they wanted so it could complement each girls figure nicely. The only condition is that it had to be the same color (dark purple) with the hand crocheted lace at the bottom. My other girls eagerly gave me their measurements to have the dresses ordered but this BM flat out has ignored any request to get the measurements because she wants her dress not the one I chose. This BM also took it upon herself to schedule my bachelorette party/bridal shower in May. May???? My wedding is September 1st so I asked her nicely to reschedule it for August. I won’t even have save the dates or invitations out by the end of May. Plus who takes a bachelorette party 4 months before the wedding???? She flipped out on me and told me May was my only option so take it or leave it. I responded by saying I’m moving it to August with the other girls and if she can’t be there that’s fine but I feel more comfortable with that decision. She then said she was out but to have good luck with the wedding stuff. I said that’s fine and that I asked her to be a part of an important event in my life because I valued our friendship but I’m not going to force someone to be in the wedding if they don’t want to be. I must admit I felt some immediate relief. However, 30 minutes later one of my other girls called saying this BM put herself back in the wedding and is planning stuff still. How do I nicely tell her to get out and stop planning stuff? I want to ask my sister to be in the wedding instead so there is less tension and stress between the wedding party.

Re: Bridesmaid planning her wedding instead of mine

  • no one is going to read this unless you break it up into paragraphs
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  • I'll try to touch on each of the important points...

    Regarding the bachelorette party, I agree with you that it is rather early to have your bachelorette party 3-4 months before the wedding.  However, since this is a party being given in your honor, you can't really dictate any details of the party.  If she wants to have it at what you feel is an innapropriate time, all you can really do is share that with her.  If she decides to cancel the party altogether, so be it.  Lots of people don't have bach. parties, it's NBD.

    Regarding the dress, did you talk to each of your BMs privately about their budget.  I'm just making sure this is not an issue of cost.  If the dress fits in her budget but she still refuses to buy it with no expanation, she's kind of taking herself out of the wedding. 

    Regarding kicking her out, it's never a good idea unless you want to terminate the friendship.  That being said, if you want your sister to be a BM, go ahead and ask her regardless of this other BM.  You do not need to have even numbers of BMs/GMs. 
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-planning-her-wedding-instead-of-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:43c2db0f-8c87-47d6-8d8b-ec999f427190Post:27899bc5-3858-4fb7-a22e-b9e9e326523d">Bridesmaid planning her wedding instead of mine</a>:
    [QUOTE]Let me get your opinion on the best way to handle this situation. I have a bridesmaid who is older (40 yrs old) who you would think would be the most mature but has been nothing but drama. I want to tell her she is out but I don' know how to do it tactfully.

    Here is what happened: My wedding is an outdoors/rustic/cowboy wedding on September 1st, 2013. I want the event to be pretty casual and focused on spending time with loved ones rather than a big elaborate party.

    I asked the BM to be in it because we have been close for 3 years and she is like a big sister that I could always talk to.   However, she has started playing my other two bridesmaids against each other.

    She doesn’t like my MOH so she doesn’t include her in anything because my MOH couldn’t be at some dress fittings because her uncle (like a dad to her) was dying with leukemia and was driving 5 hours to go spend his final days with him every weekend until he passed away. I was cool with the MOH not being there because family is more important.  

    Then this BM started being really mean to my mom when we went to go look at the venue I had chosen. She basically almost had my mom in tears and my mom said she wouldn’t go to any more wedding functions if she was going to be there. Of course I was mad at the BM I mean that’s my mom for Christ sake but I held my tongue thinking maybe she was just having a bad day.

    Next thing she did was order her own BM dress to wear without asking me first. This dress was made out of taffeta and brown and honestly a trash bag would have looked better. I absolutely hated the dress and nicely asked her to return it because it was not the sundress style dress that I had pictured the girls wearing. I found a lady out of Florida who makes custom dresses which fit my style perfectly and I was so excited. Everyone loved the dresses except for this BM. The girls could have the dress made with any neckline they wanted so it could complement each girls figure nicely. The only condition is that it had to be the same color (dark purple) with the hand crocheted lace at the bottom. My other girls eagerly gave me their measurements to have the dresses ordered but this BM flat out has ignored any request to get the measurements because she wants her dress not the one I chose.

    This BM also took it upon herself to schedule my bachelorette party/bridal shower in May. May???? My wedding is September 1 st so I asked her nicely to reschedule it for August. I won’t even have save the dates or invitations out by the end of May. Plus who takes a bachelorette party 4 months before the wedding???? She flipped out on me and told me May was my only option so take it or leave it. I responded by saying I’m moving it to August with the other girls and if she can’t be there that’s fine but I feel more comfortable with that decision.

    She then said she was out but to have good luck with the wedding stuff. I said that’s fine and that I asked her to be a part of an important event in my life because I valued our friendship but I’m not going to force someone to be in the wedding if they don’t want to be. I must admit I felt some immediate relief. However, 30 minutes later one of my other girls called saying this BM put herself back in the wedding and is planning stuff still.

    How do I nicely tell her to get out and stop planning stuff? I want to ask my sister to be in the wedding instead so there is less tension and stress between the wedding party.
    Posted by missyjjay[/QUOTE]

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Ok now that I can read what you wrote (paragraphs are your friends), I can comment.

    For any issues that are occuring between the members of the bridal party you need to stay out of it.  They are all adults, even if they don't act like it, and they should work it out amongst themselves.

    As for her making your Mom cry, that is unacceptable.  I hope you spoke with her about what she did and that it not only hurt your Mom but you as well and that she should never speak to your Mother the way she did again because it is rude and thoughtless.  I would also stop inviting her along to wedding planning appointments if that is how she acts.  Honestly, you don't need to have your BMs with you at those type of appointments.  The only people who need to be there are you, your FI and whoever is paying for it (if that isn't you).

    As for the BM dress, she was wrong to just purchase a random dress she liked without so much as some guidance from you.  As the bride you are allowed to dictate some sort of style and color and even complete dress as long as it is in your BMs budget and you have taken their ideas into account.  If she does not give you her measurements then she won't be purchasing the dress which means she did not ful fill her one and only duty thus taking herself out of the wedding.

    As for the bachelorette party.  There is no timeframe as to when to have it and when not to have it.  I had mine in April and I got married in July.  It is what worked best for me and my friends schedule.  I certainly didn't care that it was 4 months out from my wedding.  Also, by that point you should have your STD out.  They usually go out about 9-12 months prior to your wedding date.  If you don't have them out by now I would most likely just scratch them.  You had every right to turn down the bach party but your reasoning for it is silly.  Now if everyone else could not make it that day then I could see you wanting her to change the date, but just because you thought that it needed to be closer to your wedding date, that is a bit ridiculous.

    The only person that can remove her from the wedding is her.  By kicking her out you will most likely end the friendship.  Also, if she does remove herself you should not replace her.  That will only make your sister feel like a second fiddle.

    I would stop talking to her about wedding stuff from this point on.  If she doesn't know what is going on then she really can't contribute or comment.  Give her a deadline for getting her measurements to you for the dress (and money if that is necessary).  If she misses the deadline then she has removed herself from the wedding.  If she continues to plan pre-wedding parties, politely decline them and move on.

  • The dresses are $60.00 so they aren't as expensive as the $200 dresses that they were looking at. Budget is really important to me so I kept that in mind. I just feel like she is not taking into consideration that this is my wedding and my day. She had her day 20 years ago so she can stop being rude to everyone.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-planning-her-wedding-instead-of-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:43c2db0f-8c87-47d6-8d8b-ec999f427190Post:dff86278-60ef-41fd-9629-4c6248aa0bde">Re: Bridesmaid planning her wedding instead of mine</a>:
    [QUOTE]The dresses are $60.00 so they aren't as expensive as the $200 dresses that they were looking at. Budget is really important to me so I kept that in mind. I just feel like she is not taking into consideration that this is my wedding and my day. She had her day 20 years ago so she can stop being rude to everyone.
    Posted by missyjjay[/QUOTE]

    What you need to remember is that some women, regardless of age and marital status, tend to get a bit cookoo when it comes to weddings.  This is why you need to back away from her slowly with the wedding planning crap.  If you don't talk to her about it, she will hopefully return to normal.

    Weddings tend to bring out the best in some people and the worst in others.  I have a funny feeling she really has your best interests at heart, but she is just too consumed in the wedding world to see that she is actually not helping but hindering and hurting you.

  • stay out of inter-BM discussions and any/all shower / b-party planning.  They should make sure you're free and that the guests are all wedding guests and that's about it.  It doesn't matter if it's 4 months or 4 day before the wedding.

    As for the dress issue:  she doesn't have to return the other dress, she can keep it if she wants, but she won't be wearing it to stand up in your wedding.  As Maggie said, give her the deadline to get you measurements or she has taken herself out of the wedding. 

    Other than that, cease all wedding communication with her.

    You *could* kick her out, but it will end your friendship and make you look bad to any mutual friends/acquaintances, regardless of how awful she's been.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-planning-her-wedding-instead-of-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:43c2db0f-8c87-47d6-8d8b-ec999f427190Post:9b115f4d-a87d-4ac1-bd43-f56a3e80062e">Re: Bridesmaid planning her wedding instead of mine</a>:
    [QUOTE]Stop sharing your plans with her, and stop taking her to vendor appointments.  She doesn't need to do that anyway. Limit her involvement to getting her dress and showing up for the ceremony.  End of issues. Her behavior has been atrocious, but kicking her out will end the friendship permanently.  Only you can decide if you want to save it or not at this point.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    What she said.
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • Is your BM tanning mom?
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