Really need advice with bridesmaid!

rooinvt

I'm going to make a long story short.
One of my bridesmaids is Betty, she is my FI's sister in law. She has been a PAIN since the start of planning the wedding.
She is overweight, and therefore did not like ANY dress that we picked out. We finally agreed on one, and she still hates the dress and complains about it.
Her daughter is the FG. I don't like the traditional FG dresses, as I wanted the FG to be in a color close to the BM's, so I picked a nice easter like lavender dress. Betty wanted her to be in a wedding dress.
Betty asked me the other day if I wanted the FG to wear a crown/tiara, and I said no. That was the end of it.
Betty is going beind my back to my FI family and to another BM who is related and saying how she just wants her daughter to be the star, and be cute.

Do I say something, and risk causing drama with the family, or bite my tongue?
It's just sad that one of the BM's is going behind my back.

nextrightthing

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you are being really nice.  "She is overnight, and therefore did not like ANY dress that we picked out."  Did you try to find something she would like, considering she had to pay for it and is he one wearing it?  Or did you go into itwith the attitude that she would hate it because she is overweight?  Just the way you said that makes you sound really judgey and insensitive. 
Bite your tongue.  She isn't even saying anything that is remotely a big deal.

rooinvt

I don't  think you understand, but thanks.

We went to Davids Bridal, and told her to pick out ANYTHING she wanted. She said she didn't like any of them. Really? Out of 100 BM's dresses, you don't like one. She has been a huge pain.

I'm a pretty simple person, maybe someone else wil lhave some advice.

rooinvt

She's mad because she said she wants her 6yr old FG to be the center of attention. What kind of attitude is that?

[Deleted User]

My MOH didn't like the David's Bridal dresses either, so I don't exactly blame Betty. We went with a dress from Ann Taylor that came in petite and regular, so no one would have to have them altered--but that is neither here nor there. ETA: She doesn't have to like the dress, she only has to wear it--and only wear it once, at that. It's too bad she doesn't, but it might be a little late to fix that one.

Do you really care if she's going behind your back and complaining? It makes her look bad, not  you. If you don't want the FG wearing a tiara, you get to decide--that's your call as the bride. It's not the FG's PPD, nor her mother's, it's your wedding.

Just let it slide.

Lizzieyounce

Why not just let her pick out a dress she does like, in the color and length that you want?   It doesn't have to be from DB.  All you need is a swatch or the pantone number.  Then she can find something that she is comfortable in and that she feels is flattering to her.

As to the FG's mom, just ignore what you're hearing.  You will be the center of attention on your wedding day.

rooinvt

I guess I should have chosen my BM's better! My fault!

rooinvt

The dress is ordered, and that is done. The issue now is just with the FG. She will tell anyone she wants her to be the center of attention, and will do anything to make that happen. I've just never heard of such a thing.

rooinvt

The daughter is 6, and loves the purple sparkly dress we picked out, the problem is her mom, who wants her to one up the bride(in HER words)

Jen4948

She's jealous. 

Tell her, "No, you'll have to wait for her to get married for her to be the center of attention at a wedding.  It's not happening at this one.  Consider the subject permanently closed."

As for the dresses, just ignore her b!tching and rise above it.  If she or her daughter show up in the wrong dress, that sounds like a passive-aggressive way of saying she took them out of your wedding party.  In which case, you'll have dodged a bullet.

And don't share any other wedding information with her that she doesn't absolutely need to know.  She'll diss or manipulate it in her own favor.

nextrightthing

Is she your friend, or did you pick her because of her relation to your FI?

No matter what her mom says, she isn't going to one up you because you will be the bride.

Kate61487

First: You don't say anything.  If anyone's going to say something it should be your FI sinc e it's his family.

If picking dresses actually went the way you describe in your second post I agree she's being unreasonable; but in your OP you say "did not like ANY dress that we picked out" which makes it sound like you were giving specific options and "we finally agreed on one" which makes it sound like you're putting all the BMs in one dress and picked it without her consent, KWIM?  If you truly gave her free reign over any dress in the store then she was being a little unreasonable, but that's over so there's nothing you can do about it now.

Wanting her daughter in white with a tiara is a little silly, but as long as she dropped it after you said no I don't think it's so ridiculous.  Did she get any input on the FG dress?  It sounds like you picked it 100% on your own; as the mom she should have had input on cost and possibly some features (like no spaghetti straps, etc.).

Basically we need more info on what she's doing NOW.  It's a little AWish, but her telling her family members that she wants her daughter to be adorable for your wedding really isn't that big a deal.  If she's saying mean things about you or planning to sabotage your wedding so her daughter is the only thing left standing then by all means have your FI say something to her, but otherwise just accept that she's a little difficult and move on.

winelover123

A FG - while cute - will not one-up the bride. All she has to do is walk up the aisle throwing petals or whatever - a FG will never one up the bride. I'd just ignore anything this BM says about it. Don't share other wedding details with this BM - tell her what time and where to show up.

rooinvt

She is absolutely saying mean things about me, almost every day.
She asked me if I wanted the FG in a traditional white dress, etc, and I said no. I would like some kind of purple dress. She then texts me about 20 pictures of white dresses.
She knows what she's doing.
We finally agreed on a nice purple one.

I said pick out a purple dress, whatever style you want.

lyndausvi

Do you really not have anything else to complain about?    She wants her 6 year old to look cute and be a star.   Odd?  Yes, something to get your panties in a wad?  No.  Just ignore them.

I had a 6 year old BM.  She was so freaking cute and a little ham that drew her a lot of attention.  Oh and my 2 9-year old nephews?    Wow, did they get attention walking my mom down the aisle.   As did my 3 -10 year-old nieces and my 13 year old niece who were also BMs.   As a group they got a lot of attention.  The 10 year olds even choreographed a dance just for us and performed it on the dance floor in front of everyone.

They did not take any attention from me.  Really, you are being ridiculous.

rooinvt

I haven't been telling her any plans, she tries to control everything. She complains about everything because it's one day that's not about her and her daughter.

NYCMercedes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_really-need-advice-with-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:334bfbfd-19d3-4522-be19-9f201b8cfb4bPost:b1f006c9-6243-4efb-8592-b133361f2d7e">Really need advice with bridesmaid!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to make a long story short. One of my bridesmaids is Betty, she is my FI's sister in law. She has been a PAIN since the start of planning the wedding. She is overweight, and therefore did not like ANY dress that we picked out. We finally agreed on one, and she still hates the dress and complains about it. Her daughter is the FG. I don't like the traditional FG dresses, as I wanted the FG to be in a color close to the BM's, so I picked a nice easter like lavender dress. Betty wanted her to be in a wedding dress. Betty asked me the other day if I wanted the FG to wear a crown/tiara, and I said no. That was the end of it. Betty is going beind my back to my FI family and to another BM who is related and saying how she just wants her daughter to be the star, and be cute. Do I say something, and risk causing drama with the family, or bite my tongue? It's just sad that one of the BM's is going behind my back.
Posted by rooinvt[/QUOTE]

Let it go. Forget Betty. Be the bigger person. Let her think the FG will be the center of attention. Everyone else will know the bride is.

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_really-need-advice-with-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:334bfbfd-19d3-4522-be19-9f201b8cfb4bPost:8233711a-a8b7-4434-b30b-41097996866f">Re: Really need advice with bridesmaid!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>She is absolutely saying mean things about me, almost every day.</strong>She asked me if I wanted the FG in a traditional white dress, etc, and I said no. I would like some kind of purple dress. She then texts me about 20 pictures of white dresses. She knows what she's doing. We finally agreed on a nice purple one. I said pick out a purple dress, whatever style you want.
Posted by rooinvt[/QUOTE]

Like what?  Complaining incessantly about the BM and/or FG dresses is not mean things about you and are likely just making anyone who hears her mildly irritated with her.  If she's actually saying insulting things about you and/or calling you inappropriate names then have your FI confront her. If a member of his family is outright insulting you he should be standing up for you.

Djinxs

You know how hard it is to find flattering dresses if you're overweight? It's not fun. Especially in stores where everything is made for a size 2. Dress shopping can be so frustrating and often times, yeah, I'll walk into a whole department store and not like ANYTHING because none of it looks right on me. It can be hugely discouraging and depressing.

As for the flower girl, parents always want their kids to be the star, from what I can see. Not just at weddings, in general. I would just let it go. And frankly, from the tone of some of your posts, my guess would be that not ALL of this is on her end...

rooinvt

Ahh, you haven't met her. Ever met someone who framed her ex-hubby for murder? Yea, didn't think so.

Thanks ladies.

wittykitty14

Um....I have actually met someone who did that.  Maybe it's a Vermont thing

As for the rest, it would be helpful on our end if you gave us more examples of how she treats you every day.  It sounds like it's a big issue, because you vaguely mention it just about every post.  We'll be able to give you some better tips on how to deal with her if you give us more information. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_really-need-advice-with-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:334bfbfd-19d3-4522-be19-9f201b8cfb4bPost:cbb42a7c-b419-4688-9c9e-43a1aaf15625">Re: Really need advice with bridesmaid!</a>:
[QUOTE]A FG - while cute - will not one-up the bride. All she has to do is walk up the aisle throwing petals or whatever - a FG will never one up the bride. I'd just ignore anything this BM says about it. Don't share other wedding details with this BM - tell her what time and where to show up.
Posted by winelover123[/QUOTE]

This exactly. Even if the FG is in the biggest, whitest, poofiest dress with a giant pageant crown, a six year old won't one-up the bride. So just let it go.

As for the BM dress, it's ordered and done. Let her complain as much as she wants. If she decides she won't wear the dress, she's removing herself from the WP.

For the rest, if she's that nasty, just don't talk to her. Not even just about wedding stuff. just don't talk to her period. If she texts you a million pictures of dresses, don't respond. If she complains behind your back, she looks like the idiot. Just cut her out as much as you can. It's the best you can do. Saying something to her will REALLY only add fuel to her fire and make it worse.

Peledreamsofrain

This story is changing a whole lot with each post.  Either OP is redirecting rage and focusing it on dresses, or this is MUD.

winelover123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_really-need-advice-with-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:334bfbfd-19d3-4522-be19-9f201b8cfb4bPost:12cbca37-7abb-4b37-9c09-800b34f2f77e">Re: Really need advice with bridesmaid!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ahh, you haven't met her. Ever met someone who framed her ex-hubby for murder? Yea, didn't think so. Thanks ladies.
Posted by rooinvt[/QUOTE]

Why on earth did you ask her to be a BM? You seem to not even like her. And since I haven't mastered the skill of putting two quotes in one post I'll respond to your other post as well:

She cannot control anything she does not know about. <em>Stop sharing your wedding plans!</em> If she asks, "What kind of cake are you having? You need to go with this baker" you say, "We haven't decided yet. I'll keep that in mind." Or "It's a surprise!" Or "mhm" - ignoring her suggestions if the previous don't work.

misshart00

I could be wrong, but if you frame someone for murder, doesn't that mean you committed the murder?

nextrightthing

OMG I totally want my flower girl draped in a real mini solar system.  I will settle for nothing less, and her mother better buy it for my special day.

STARMOON44

You put someone in your bridal party who framed her ex for murder? You deserve whatever drama you get.

MuppetFan

Let me share with you my deepest sympathy......

Can you hear my tiny violin? I’m playing a song for you my friend

Do you like the melancholy sound of how much I care?


ETA: You can download her theme song here

FizzySips

Are internet strangers on an etiquette board really supposed to be responsible for stoking your ego to make you feel better that your BM/FSIL is not fawning over you and acting how you think she should? Of course she has motives that don't line up with yours! The dresses are both ordered and you told her no tiara. I would stop manufacturing drama where there isn't any.

MuppetFan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_really-need-advice-with-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:334bfbfd-19d3-4522-be19-9f201b8cfb4bPost:38c9c054-311f-4419-aae7-460e98e49f37">Re: Really need advice with bridesmaid!</a>:
[QUOTE]Am I the only one picturing this .... <a href="http://youtu.be/JY3e8P7cnvY" rel="nofollow">http://youtu.be/JY3e8P7cnvY</a>
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

I dunno, I picture this:
<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/13/12/0de2188c-8019-4d20-8c92-1bb028676c3d.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/13/12/0de2188c-8019-4d20-8c92-1bb028676c3d.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>

AddieCake

Well, this was amusing.