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Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum
Groom not seeing the dress before the wedding superstition...
My fiance and I have been together for 3 1/2 years, living together for almost 3 years. We are both pretty low-key people - neither of us particularly likes the idea of a "traditional" wedding and we thought very seriously of eloping. However, we finally decided we would probably regret not having our families with us and we are having a fairly small outdoor wedding at my parents' farm, with just family and a few close friends. He is my best friend and so when it came time to look for a wedding dress, I really didn't even consider him not helping to pick it out. A few of his family members (and certainly some people at the bridal salons we went to...) were a bit surprised by this - given the whole tradition/superstition of the groom not seeing the wedding dress until the day-of. However, we found out this weekend that his Catholic paternal grandmother is almost livid that my fiance saw and helped pick out my dress. She told my futher mother-in-law that she is "very upset" and she even went so far as to ask, "Is it too late for her to get a different dress?" I paid for my own dress, I like it, and I have no intention of getting a different one! I don't believe in the superstition and we've been living together for years, so I had no idea it would be such a big deal. My question is: What should we say to his grandmother (and the few other family members who bring it up)? I don't want to insult them, but it's a bit hurtful to hear them hint that our marriage might not work out as a result of this...
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Re: Groom not seeing the dress before the wedding superstition...
Also, practice 'the look' or 'the stink eye' in the mirror ahead of time so you are able to respond to comments of this nature. It works on naughty children, rude adults and anything in between.
June 2012 Bride!
He saw your dress, but don't let him see you all dolled up until the day. Maybe that will ease some family members upset feelings about it.
Or, alternatively, if you have a quirky sense of humor, you could explain to them the origins of the superstition:
Back in the days of arranged marriages, people often sent portraits to one another to 'show off' the young potential to the other family. Needless to say, since marriages were more like alliances or business deals, it was in their best interest if the portrait artist 'fudged' a few details, and presented the best features of the potential groom or bride.
The tradition of not seeing each other before the wedding, or not seeing the bride in the dress before the wedding was similiar to the purpose of the veil: hiding what the bride actually looked like until a 'point of no return.' Once the couple was up at the altar, too much public embarrassment was involved to just go "um... no way" if one or the other was..... beauty challenged.
So the next time your mom or other family member gives you guff, give them a history lesson, and kindly inform them that you are far to beautiful to have to worry about such things.
[QUOTE]Just politely ask them not to bring it up, because it hurts your feelings. Don't get emotional or raise your voice, stay calm and explain in a logical manner. Or, alternatively, if you have a quirky sense of humor, you could explain to them the origins of the superstition: Back in the days of arranged marriages, people often sent portraits to one another to 'show off' the young potential to the other family. Needless to say, since marriages were more like alliances or business deals, it was in their best interest if the portrait artist 'fudged' a few details, and presented the best features of the potential groom or bride. The tradition of not seeing each other before the wedding, or not seeing the bride in the dress before the wedding was similiar to the purpose of the veil: hiding what the bride actually looked like until a 'point of no return.' <strong>Once the couple was up at the altar, too much public embarrassment was involved to just go "um... no way" if one or the other was..... beauty challenged. So the next time your mom or other family member gives you guff, give them a history lesson, and kindly inform them that you are far to beautiful to have to worry about such things.</strong>
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]
Hahaha - THIS. I love it. Thanks to everyone for your wonderfully supportive, level-headed responses. I really just needed to blow off some steam. While I don't think I'll be giving FI's grandmother the history lesson, I do think I'll be using this - in an upbeat, polite, "hey, did you know?" way - for any other family members who mention it again.
May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations
I have an "adopted" Catholic grandma (a longtime friend of the family), and you should've seen how ghost-white she got when she found out DH & I were living together before we were even engaged. I'm sure she was equally as apalled that I didn't have covered shoulders during our ceremony. *shrugs*
Sometimes, it's just silly.
[QUOTE]Oh, Catholic grandmothers. They are the best...!!! lqtm. I have an "adopted" Catholic grandma (a longtime friend of the family), and you should've seen how ghost-white she got when she found out DH & I were living together before we were even engaged. I'm sure she was equally as apalled that I didn't have covered shoulders during our ceremony. *shrugs* Sometimes, it's just silly.
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]
Haha I know! I can just imagine your adopted grandma's reaction! And the odd thing is that my FI's grandma really wasn't that upset when we moved in together, so that's why I was so surprised that the dress thing was such a big deal. Ahh well, as PP have said, I'm just going to be polite but firm and hope for the best...
Grandma is just old fashioned but these superstitions have nothing to do with her being Catholic. She'll just have to get over it. It's a dress and him seeing it has nothing to do with commitment or unity.
[QUOTE]Just politely ask them not to bring it up, because it hurts your feelings. Don't get emotional or raise your voice, stay calm and explain in a logical manner. Or, alternatively, if you have a quirky sense of humor, you could explain to them the origins of the superstition: Back in the days of arranged marriages, people often sent portraits to one another to 'show off' the young potential to the other family. Needless to say, since marriages were more like alliances or business deals, it was in their best interest if the portrait artist 'fudged' a few details, and presented the best features of the potential groom or bride. The tradition of not seeing each other before the wedding, or not seeing the bride in the dress before the wedding was similiar to the purpose of the veil: hiding what the bride actually looked like until a 'point of no return.' Once the couple was up at the altar, too much public embarrassment was involved to just go "um... no way" if one or the other was..... beauty challenged. So the next time your mom or other family member gives you guff, give them a history lesson, and kindly inform them that you are far to beautiful to have to worry about such things.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]<div>
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</div><div>oh i love it thank you for sharing this!</div><div>
</div><div>My guy is RIDICULOUS about not seeing my dress...he is so traditional, which, ok...but now at least I can share this with him, a little history lesson in the making ;)</div><div>
</div><div>Thanks OP for brining up this subject...no extra advice from me, except i think you have gotten a lot of good stuff here. AND get used to being told what to do but others...this is just the start wait till you have KIDS lol
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CPT & mama to 9 kids, one SIL & a grandbaby girl!
I was fine with him seeing the dress, but he didn't want to. It's living at my parents' house until October.
I think it's totally fine! People will get over it.
Reply requested by March 23.