2nd Baby Shower Question

gmcr78

Hello all,
I saw the baby shower post below and it reminded me of a question I had.
One of my BMs and her husband (a GM) are planning to start trying for their 2nd child likely next year.  Their son turns 5 this fall, so by the time they could potentially have baby 2, he will likely be at least 6 years old.
I was thinking that if they do end up expecting, I'd love to throw her a baby shower, however, I've read on here quite a bit that registries and baby showers for add'l children are frowned upon.
What I'm not clear on is if it's bad etiquette for a 2nd child when there's a fairly large gap between the 2 children.  Or does that even matter-is it poor etiquette across the board?  Should I completely scrap this idea? 
TIA!

itzMS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:168c5a18-7e24-4487-8782-1829223ef469">2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello all, I saw the baby shower post below and it reminded me of a question I had. One of my BMs and her husband (a GM) are planning to start trying for their 2nd child likely next year.  Their son turns 5 this fall, so by the time they could potentially have baby 2, he will likely be at least 6 years old. I was thinking that if they do end up expecting, I'd love to throw her a baby shower, however, I've read on here quite a bit that registries and baby showers for add'l children are frowned upon. What I'm not clear on is if it's bad etiquette for a 2nd child when there's a fairly large gap between the 2 children.  Or does that even matter-is it poor etiquette across the board?  Should I completely scrap this idea?  TIA!
Posted by gmcr78[/QUOTE]

Scrap it. If you want to host a party for them to wish them well and say congrats, cool. But don't call it a shower or diaper party or anything like that.

fuerst37

I think a welcome baby party is fine, but people get all sorts of funny about second baby showers.

Jessa617

I don't think the time between kids matters. A second or third is still not the first.

Get your friend a gift when the baby comes if you want to, but I wouldn't host a shower.

gmcr78

Thanks for the feedback!  I'll scrap it.  I'd hate to commit a breach of etiquette or make them look bad in any way as well. 
If/when the time comes, I'll get them a nice gift.
Thanks!!

Maggie0829

A shower for the second kid (and any following that) are usually frowned upon.

Honestly, I may get flamed for this but whatever, I think having a bridal shower when it is your second wedding (or more) is not really ok either.

Showers, in my mind, are for the first go around of things.  I view them as a way to help prepare the couple for their first year of marriage or for their first child, seeing as both are expensive when first starting out.

Now I am not saying that you shouldn't celebrate your second marriage or your second child.  Go ahead, celebrate your butt off but showers just should be taken off the table.

ugh, I am having a hard time expressing myself with this post.  I must be having 3pm-itis.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:b19c8239-fef4-4746-b1ef-393cc0254fde">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Gotta be honest, this is one of those etiquette things I have never gotten. I wouldn't do it because it's considered rude, but I have honestly wrapped my head around why.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I think maybe because showers are more about "big ticket" items then just a few blankets and onesies.  Unlike with a bridal shower, usually couples have absolutely nothing for a baby when having their first so they need a lot of stuff.  Then when the second one comes along they should have leftover items from the first to use for the second so having a shower just seems a bit much.  KWIM?

MayDay513

Celebrate the second child! Don't call it a shower. It will be an awesome party!

gmcr78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:afdf1935-de9b-44a4-bb60-109ff42742f0">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:2nd Baby Shower Question : I think maybe because showers are more about "big ticket" items then just a few blankets and onesies.  Unlike with a bridal shower, usually couples have absolutely nothing for a baby when having their first so they need a lot of stuff.  Then when the second one comes along they should have leftover items from the first to use for the second so having a shower just seems a bit much.  KWIM?
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

I totally get this, but I think when there's a gap between children (as in the case of my friends) they no longer have any of the baby stuff.  Crib got switched for a big boy bed years ago, etc etc. 
That would honestly be the reason I'd want to throw it in the first place.  I'm not going to, since it's considered rude, but I am with Stage on this one. That's the whole reason I wanted to ask the question in the first place.  I visited the Miss Manners site and she was pretty clear in general terms, but I didn't find anything that clearly addressed larger gaps between children. 

bunni727

I need to preface by saying that all varieties of showers in my very specifc area/family are total freakshows.

I don't mind multiple showers.

We don't really do "big ticket" items at showers. Grandparents usually buy a crib, and siblings of the mom and dad might give stroller/bouncy chair type stuff, but mainly it's a shitton of diapers, onsies, cute outfits, and bottles. Most people in my family have had multiple showers, but stop after the second or they have both genders covered. One cousin had one for her very unexpected 3rd pregnancy (she told her husband and he had a heart attack. literally) but it was much more scaled back. It was at her mom's house instead of renting the community center, cake and punch, fewer invitees.

I would only host a 2nd shower for someone in my family, because I'm aware they are accepted to us. I wouldn't do it for a friend, since I wouldn't want her to be side-eyed by family and friends.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:d2a82074-2407-4f5c-abb7-c770c1d038fc">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]So, a couple should store an entire nursery's worth of furniture indefinitely? Where does said baby go then when they need to move onto later big ticket items? See that's my issue. If the kids are close in age, baby 1 is still using carseat, crib, stroller, playpen, etc. If the kid is old enough not to be using that stuff anymore, it takes up a ton of storage room as opposed to reselling it to help pay for all those other expensive things that kids need as they grow that aren't provided at baby showers. Not to mention wear n tear. After the third time a tot jumped through the bottom of his crib, I think it's safe to say mommy shouldn't have to trust it to hold a newborn. Kids don't stop being expensive after being babies and the second baby is often no cheaper than the first. I get the sentiment, it's just not logical.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I agree with all of this especially the point about kids not being any less expensive when they get older as they are when they are babies.  But I am also under the belief that the really really big ticket items like furniture should not be put on a baby registry at all.  I just think that should be the responsibility of the parents to purchase.  I don't think that they should keep furniture indefinitely but I think having another shower for your second kid 7 years down the road just to get some furniture and other big ticket items again is a bit much.

I don't know, I am just not big on showers to begin with.  I know they are perfectly acceptable to have, I had one myself when before I got married, but I guess I have just seen one too many showers that are ridiculously huge and everyone under the sun was invited and they just felt gift grabby.

Anywho that is my opinion on it.  I certainly wouldn't be angry if a shower was thrown for a second baby, I probably just wouldn't attend the shower and keep my thoughts about it to myself.

ETA:  Just wanted to mention that I know it is the responsibility of the parents to purchase everything for their child, but in regards to showers, asking for a crib is a lot difference then asking for a pack of diapers and wipes.

itzMS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:d2a82074-2407-4f5c-abb7-c770c1d038fc">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]So, a couple should store an entire nursery's worth of furniture indefinitely? Where does said baby go then when they need to move onto later big ticket items? See that's my issue. If the kids are close in age, baby 1 is still using carseat, crib, stroller, playpen, etc. If the kid is old enough not to be using that stuff anymore, it takes up a ton of storage room as opposed to reselling it to help pay for all those other expensive things that kids need as they grow that aren't provided at baby showers. Not to mention wear n tear. After the third time a tot jumped through the bottom of his crib, I think it's safe to say mommy shouldn't have to trust it to hold a newborn. Kids don't stop being expensive after being babies and the second baby is often no cheaper than the first. I get the sentiment, it's just not logical.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I guess the way I look at it is, a Baby Shower for the couple's first child is kind of like the "OMG CONGRATS SOOOO EXCITING HERE'S A BUNCH OF GIFTS!" Share advice, wisdom, wish them well on this new experience in life.

Showers for the subsequent children are gift-grabby IMHO since it's a personal choice for the couple how long they wait between children, how many they have (and if they choose to save or not save baby items).

Would I want brand new stuff for each of my kids someday? Sure. Who wouldn't?! But I wouldn't accept a shower each time and expect gifts because DH & I chose to have multiple children.

MoonlightSilver

I think for second babies, it's great to ask friends and family if they have any old (clean, gently used) items they could give to the couple. I know in my family, my younger cousins grew up wearing my clothes and playing with my stuffed animals because my mom passed them on to my aunt. 

ETA: If you hosted a "welcome baby" party and gave those passed down gifts then, I wouldn't side-eye it. But I probably wouldn't wrap them or anything.

itzMS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:bc730b12-01e2-4a9c-893a-0864997f49f3">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Maggie, I actually agree with you, but in that case, I don't get it either because it's about the smaller things that don't usually survive more than one kid. So the whole "you already have a kid, you shouldn't need that stuff" really doesn't apply then either. ItzM, <strong>every shower is a gift grab. They are literally parties with the sole purpose of giving a gift. And by your logic, showers for people who already live together are also inappropriate, no?</strong>
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Agreed on all counts. Showers are silly, but first showers can at least be fronted with the ZOMG excitement of it being your first time around.

Second time around (and subsequent) showers are so pointless. "Oh, hey, you've done this before. Here's a present."

FWIW, I didn't have bridal showers and also won't have any baby showers should they become a part of my life.

Sierra524

My cousin just had a baby a few months ago. Her first child is already 9 years old. This baby was completely unexpected & she had NOTHING from her first son. We had a baby shower for her, but it was just family & a few of her friends. She didnt have a registry but everybody brought her gifts. My parents actually purchased her pack and play for her. Someone purchased the video baby monitor. But, for the most part they bought everything themselves. We really just had the shower because we havent been able to spend alot of time with her throughout the years. She has been in the Army for 10 years already and has spent a lot of time away from the family. We really wanted to be there for her & this was the perfect chance. The gifts were not needed (or asked for) but I know she greatly appreciated them.

Ophelia0326

I don't know why, but this seems like it's becoming a trend. One girl I know had a shower for her second baby, and I asked a mutual friend why she was having one and she goes "Well it's a girl this time!".

Yeah, cause that makes it okay.

Good on you, OP.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:bc730b12-01e2-4a9c-893a-0864997f49f3">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Maggie, I actually agree with you, but in that case, I don't get it either because it's about the smaller things that don't usually survive more than one kid. So the whole "you already have a kid, you shouldn't need that stuff" really doesn't apply then either. ItzM, every shower is a gift grab. They are literally parties with the sole purpose of giving a gift. And by your logic, showers for people who already live together are also inappropriate, no?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Very true.  I guess it comes down to you either are ok with showers for second kids or your not.  I guess with such a strong argument on both sides that is probably why it is considered not a good thing to do because you don't know who is ok with it and who isn't.

But even if no shower is thrown for a baby (whether it is your first or 10th) the parents will still most likely get gifts from friends and family.  I know if one of my friends was having a kid and no shower was planned I would still get her some cute clothes and a gift card to Babies R Us or Target.

As for your point about wedding showers, I think that is the way I am starting to lean.  I mean, H and I lived together before we got married but when my sister wanted to throw a shower I told her I didn't really know if I wanted one but she insisted so I told her that I wanted something very small because I just didn't feel right having 50+ people buy me presents when H and I had already accumulated so much stuff.  So my shower consisted of 15 people while my registry was kept small with less expensive items that were almost a necessity (like towels and sheets because ours were old and had holes).

I guess in the end it all depends on your and your friends/family feelings about the situations as to what should and should not be done in regards to showers.

antibride2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:218ab475-f9ff-45f0-a1f6-a7e5702833d3">Re: 2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]A shower for the second kid (and any following that) are usually frowned upon. <strong>Honestly, I may get flamed for this but whatever, I think having a bridal shower when it is your second wedding (or more) is not really ok either. Showers, in my mind, are for the first go around of things.</strong>  I view them as a way to help prepare the couple for their first year of marriage or for their first child, seeing as both are expensive when first starting out. Now I am not saying that you shouldn't celebrate your second marriage or your second child.  Go ahead, celebrate your butt off but showers just should be taken off the table. ugh, I am having a hard time expressing myself with this post.  I must be having 3pm-itis.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

The bold part. I completely agree with you.  Showers should be for the first time around.  I think showers for second anything are very tacky.  Registries as well.

My cousin just had baby #2.  His <em>wonderful </em>(ick) wife registered for everything, like it was their first baby.  Wife planned to return EVERYTHING bought for them for store credit.  I decided a savings bond was a nice gift. 

Simply Fated

To me, it's the same as a married couple registering for a vow renewal. Or an anniversary party.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:99a7d9e3-54ea-4832-bbeb-1b79b9ecd41f">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]To me, it's the same as a married couple registering for a vow renewal. Or an anniversary party.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

Woah, wait, what?  People do this?

bunni727

I think I would disagree that second wedding showers are tacky, unless you marry the same person twice. If my H had been married before, and we were getting married, I think we'd still want to replace all the stuff that his imaginary jackwagon ex picked out with him (Obviously she's the jackwagon, because he certainly wouldn't be the cause ). No way would I want to use the china or sheets they picked out together.

gmcr78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:99a7d9e3-54ea-4832-bbeb-1b79b9ecd41f">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]To me, it's the same as a married couple registering for a vow renewal. Or an anniversary party.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

WTF.<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-surprised.gif" border="0" alt="Surprised" title="Surprised" />  Do you know someone who has done this?

itzMS

@ Stage...

Indifferent to first showers. I'll usually attend as a guest and/or send a gift.

I'm anti second (third, fourth...) showers entirely.

Being the guest of honor at a shower is not for me because I do agree that they are entirely gift grabby. Not my style.

shaygray88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:d2a82074-2407-4f5c-abb7-c770c1d038fc">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]So, a couple should store an entire nursery's worth of furniture indefinitely? Where does said baby go then when they need to move onto later big ticket items? See that's my issue. If the kids are close in age, baby 1 is still using carseat, crib, stroller, playpen, etc. If the kid is old enough not to be using that stuff anymore, it takes up a ton of storage room as opposed to reselling it to help pay for all those other expensive things that kids need as they grow that aren't provided at baby showers. Not to mention wear n tear. After the third time a tot jumped through the bottom of his crib, I think it's safe to say mommy shouldn't have to trust it to hold a newborn. Kids don't stop being expensive after being babies and the second baby is often no cheaper than the first. I get the sentiment, it's just not logical.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I'm curious...do you have kids?

Sierra524

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:d2a82074-2407-4f5c-abb7-c770c1d038fc">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]So, a couple should store an entire nursery's worth of furniture indefinitely? Where does said baby go then when they need to move onto later big ticket items?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I am curious about this too. What if a couple has only 1 kid, gets rid of all the baby stuff because they are not planning to have another child, and then 10 years later they unexpectedly get pregnant again? So, they should just keep this stuff "just incase"?

itzMS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-baby-shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56c879b4-8e1d-475d-a23a-1793c361c387Post:0749cd73-db86-4a6f-b912-1b3b7ff7b31a">Re:2nd Baby Shower Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:2nd Baby Shower Question : I am curious about this too. What if a couple has only 1 kid, gets rid of all the baby stuff because they are not planning to have another child, and then 10 years later they unexpectedly get pregnant again? So, they should just keep this stuff "just incase"?
Posted by Sierra524[/QUOTE]

No, not necessarily, but you aren't entitled to another shower just because you had an "oopsies".

I'd actually feel silly to have a shower if I was the "oopsies" preggers lady in question.

1026pumpkin

Hi Ladies- I've been lurking a bit since the great advice I've received the other day...but I was going to throw my opinion into the ring here... I'm on The Bump shower board all the time, and I've thrown at least 3-4 showers a year for my friends over the past few years.  The party line on 2nd showers on The Bump is that they are generally frowned upon because they are meant to welcome a new mom into motherhood and "shower" her with gifts and advice.  Ultimately family planning and outfitting a child/children is the parents' responsibility, and many people judge showers after the first child for this reason.  Some people give a "pass" for extenuating circumstances, like a family that lost a child and got rid of baby items out of grief, a second child after a long gap, or a remarried mom having a child with a new husband- in these cases it's recommended the showers be very small, limited to immediate family and friends, with little overlap of the guest list from the first shower.

I personally think all new babies are a cause for celebration, but that the celebration doesn't need to take the form of a shower.  I always buy gifts for my pregnant friends (no matter how many kids they have) and usually drop off some food and another small gift after they bring the baby home.

lauralaur

I don't know, I received an invitation for a second baby shower today and I will not be attending. I understand why it is being thrown, the couple planned the pregnancy but was surprised with twins, and these are girls. But, they already have two boys under age 5! So I get it, there will be two of them and they are a different gender, but this couple has always, always known that they want a large family. I just feel like if that is the case, then it is their responsibility to plan accordingly.

And I'm someone who will look at this situation and say "Oh! They must be needing a lot of things then, we should get them a gift." I think it's that they have REQUESTED the gifts rather than my offering that bothers me, when they already have two kids.

Another friend of ours had a second child that is seven years younger than her son. The son is from a previous relationship, and they registered for the new baby, but I never heard boo about a shower. It was a small registry and it was simply meant to be a guide for people such as myself asking if there was anything they needed. I think that's the difference to me, I sought it out, rather than them seeking me out.

banana468

I have mixed feelings about a shower for a second child.    The way I've seen it done in DH's family is that they do "sprinkles" and they're much more intimate for the second child.

There is no registry for the 2nd shower and they're just clothing items.


I get what you're saying Stage about equipment.   You need to buy more of it if you're not spacing the children that far apart anyway.   I think that's why a lot of parents space their kids a few years apart.  

Peledreamsofrain

I don't think is a purely black and white issue. Weddings don't accidentally happen when you aren't financially prepared, babies can. Sure if the family knew they had kids coming, I think they should hang onto stuff. Hand me downs are a way of life for many families. But no birth control is 100 percent. And sometimes right after a divorce, a woman doesn't see any possibility of a new life ahead, and throws things out. Then several years later everything changes, and it's a first baby for the new family unit.

Pookieson

I don't mind showers for second time brides (I'm having one, I declined initially but friends and the inlaws insisted but it is very small) as long as there is a decent gap between first and second weddings and kept at a reasonable number.

My take on second baby showers, I think they are fine.  I will have years between my children (if and when I have a second).  We have no baby stuff.  I got rid of all of it when she was out of them.  I was a divorced, single mom in an apartment, I wasn't keeping babycribs, strollers, swings, bouncers etc because didn't have space.  If someone offered to have a shower for me, I would take it, but I also wouldn't register for huge ticket items, i'd buy those myself and I would keep it to immediate family and close friends.